怪猴（2025）

嗨 你好
Hi there.
嘿
Hey.
您知道自己身上沾了很多血么 先生
You know, you got a fair amount of blood on you there, sir.
噢
Oh.
是啊 这不是我的血 只不过是…
Yeah, it's not even mine, it was just this...
不打紧
Never mind.
嘿 听着 我想请你帮我处理掉这玩意
Hey, listen, I need you to take this thing off my hands.
把这颗烫手山芋卖♥♥给别人
lt's making someone else's problem.
我是说我原以为我儿子们会喜欢这个 但是…
I mean, I thought my boys were going to love it, but, uh...
实话告诉你吧 老兄 他们不会的
Let me tell you, man, they will not.
* 儿童玩具不予退货
* 严禁以物易物
*禁止狩猎或闯入
*拒收信♥用♥卡♥
*价格以客人的态度主观变化
不 它不是玩具
No, it's not a toy.
所以别这么称呼它
So just don't ever call it that.
它是个...呃...
lt's a, uh...
它是…
lt's
其实我也不清楚它究竟是什么
Actually, I don't know exactly what it is.
除此之外 它好像已经坏了
Besides, it appears to be broken.
瞧 鼓槌一直卡在举着的位置不动
See, the drumstick seems to be stuck in the up position.
你不会希望那该死的鼓槌落下来的
You do not want the goddamn drumstick to come down.
好吗
Okay?
因为它一旦敲响
Because when it does,
我发誓 我们全都会玩完
I promise you, we are all fucked to hell.
好吗
Okay?
哇哦
Oh.
好吧先生 虽然不能代表您 但是...
Well, sir, can't speak for you, but...
我并没有觉得自己会玩完
I don't feel especially fucked to have.
好极了
Hot dog.
*火焰喷射器 300块
看谁笑到最后 你个狗♥娘♥养♥的…
Who's smiling now, you infernal son of a whore?
啊
Ah!
啊
Ahl
耶
Yeah!
啊
Ah
啊
Ah!
我不知道是否每一位父亲都会传给自己孩子一些可怕的秘密
I don't know if every father passes some secret horror onto his kids,
我叫哈尔·谢伯恩
My name is Hal Shelburn.
这就是我还有我的孪生兄弟比尔
This is me and my twin brother Bill
这是一切发生以前的我们
Well, this is us before everything.
比尔是那种会先跟你说”握握手”
Bill was the kind of kid that would say shake on it
然后就把手缩回去假装摸头发的小孩
But then pull his hand back and pretend to slick his hair.
他比我早出生三分钟并吸走了我妈妈胎盘里的大部分营养
He was older than me by three minutes and ate most of my mom's placenta.
所以他成了我的老哥
So that made him my big brother.
他把这身份看得很重所以一有机会就虐待我
A role he took seriously and treated me like shit whenever he got the chance.
我一直都想告诉你…
I've been meaning to tell you.
妈妈说她恨你 因为你害老爸抛妻所以她现在不得不找新对象
Mom says she hates you because you made dad leave him and now she has to go on dates.
可我依然勉强爱着他
But I managed to love him anyway.
*露易丝
即使有时候我会幻想变成家里的独子
Even if I did sometimes fantasize about being an only child.
我恨你 比尔·谢伯恩
I hate you Bill Shelburn.
我妈至少在她力所能及的范围内独自拉扯我们长大
My mom raised us on her own, for as long as she could at least.
而我妈
And my mom,
我对她仍记忆犹新仿佛还停留在昨天
Well, I can remember her perfectly like it was yesterday.
你们的爸爸
Your father.
你们老爸说出门买♥♥包香烟然后就再也没回来过
Well, your father went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back.
就像炒了盘鸡蛋一样轻松地溜走了
Just made like an egg and scrambled.
当然了 我本来可以成为他众多空姐之一的
And sure, sure, I could have been one of his stewardesses,
可是 很显然那死鬼没带我飞过任何地方
but of course the deadbeat never took me anywhere.
他只带回来过一些瑞士布谷鸟钟和盆栽
We just brought back Swiss cuckoo clocks and bonsai trees.
那些小玩意儿和纪念品把咱家衣柜都塞满了
Knickknacks and souvenirs to stuff our closets full.
而总有一天 我亲爱的儿子们
And one day, my darling boys,
那些破烂将由你们继承
all that horse shit will be yours.
我们知道妈妈把那些东西都当成垃圾
We know my mom thought it was a bunch ofjunk,
但对我和比尔来说 爸爸的衣柜充满了可以研究他的线索
but for Bill and me, Dad's closet was full of clues to who he was.
就是这个
There she is.
渣爹的身份伪装
Old deadbeat's disguise.
那玩意哪来的
The hell's that thing from?
法国巴黎还是哪儿
Paris, France or something?
上面写着”发条猴”
It says organ grinder monkey.
* 注: 原意为”手摇风琴猴子”起源于19世纪手摇风琴表演者
训练的猴子表演 后演变成发条猴玩具的统称
“仿如人生”
Like life.
你是想说“仿生”吧傻席
You mean"lifelike, "dumbshit.
不是
No.
什么
What?
拿来我瞧瞧
Hey, give me that thing
给
Here.
*拧动发条 看看会怎样！
你觉得我转动发条它会报废吗
You think this does junk if I turn this?
不 比尔 这是爸爸的
Don't Bill, it's Dad's.
老爹早没了 傻♥逼♥
Dad's gone, fuckface.
而我是他的下一”袋”所以从法律层面来说
l'm his next of skin, so legally...
这些东西都是我的
everything in here's mine.
反正这玩意也是坏的
Stupid things broken anyway.
不许进咱房♥间 垃圾
Don't come in our room dumb shit.
我坐副驾
Shotgun, obviously.
上帝 还有比相亲更糟的吗
Christ, what's worse than a blind date?
我宁愿碰碰运气 看看能不能遇见一个该死的青蛙王子
I'd rather take my chances and kiss a goddamn frog and see what happens.
好吧 儿子们 刷完牙后不许喝汽水
Okay, boysl Uh, no soda after you brush your teeth,
另外不许玩火也不许玩电子游戏 因为上次那场火灾
and no fires, and no video games because of the Iast fire.
我劝过他们不要玩火 可这帮小子就是控制不住
I tried to tell him no fires, but these boys are nothing but wllish.
多谢 安妮保姆
Thank you, babysitter Annie.
我午夜就回来
I'lI be home by midnight.
好了 孩子们 今晚只有一条规矩
Okay, boys, lve got only one rule for tonight
不许用手去碰餐桌滚烫的部分
Keep your hands off the hot parts of the table.
好吗
Okay?
我尽力 可是
M try, but
这是男人本性
I'm just a man
比尔 别来这一套
Bill, knock it off.
天哪
Holy shi-
也许这样的经历可以把我和比尔的关系拉得亲近
Maybe an experience like that could have brought me and Bill closer,
可事实证明一次古怪的悲剧根本远远不够
But it turned out one freak tragedy wasn't gonna be nearly enough.
她的头怎么还能连着
How is her head still together?
嘘 嘘
Shh, shh, shh.
别多想
Don't think about it too much.
卧♥槽♥
Hoho, fuck.
今天我们为安妮·威尔克斯齐聚这里
Oh yeah, today we're here with Annie Wilkes
因为她的
Oh gone...
意外离开
by accident,
准确来说是意外事故
or rather in an accident,
因为各位都知道并没有什么所谓的”意外”
because you know there's no accidents.
这其中有什么神圣的安排吗
ls there a divine plan?
当然 有这个可能
Sure, you know, ah maybe.
这就像抛硬币 不是头朝上就是花纹朝上
Call it a coin toss, heads or tails.
但不会是安妮的头 因为
But not Annie's head, because.
它已经
that is
呃 分家了
uh, separate.
这是另一个问题了
That's a separate issue.
呃
Uh.
可为什么是她呢
You know, why her? Though.
对吧
Right?
为什么是安妮
Why Annie?
不是你
Why not you?
或者你
Or you?
万事皆有因果 是的
Everything for a reason, yeah.
没错
Totally.
所以 呃
And uh.
事实就是如此
lt is what it is.
呃
Uh
事实就是如此
lt is what it is.
主的话语
The word of the Lord.
一切都是意外
Everything is an accident.