盛大婚礼（2013）

We were fighting. All the time.
而且
And it just...
然后越来越艰难 他受不了
It just got really hard, and he couldn't take it.
我也明白 所以在他提出之前 我先放了他
And I knew that, so I cut him loose before he did it to me.
阿门 所以
Amen. So...
有没有人想来杯大都会
Who do you have to lynch for a cosmo around here?
-好吧 -我不明白
-Okay. -I don't get it.
她不能生孩子
She can't have children.
抱歉我失陪一下 去
Okay, could you please excuse me, just...
-不 不 不 我去吧 -不 不 唐
-No, no. No. I've got it. -No, no. Don.
我觉得你去不好
I don't think it's a good idea.
在你跳下去之前
Before you end it all,
你应该知道小孩用的游泳池的水是去年夏天灌满的
you should know they filled in the kiddy pond last summer.
所以呢
So?
可以这么说 成人游泳池
Let's just say, the grown-up pool
今年温度高一些
is a few degrees warmer this year.
你在哪儿呢
Where are you?
你后面 一如既往
Right behind you. Same place I've always been.
这样行吗 我
Is it okay if I...
行 恐高症没事吗
Yeah. Thought you were afraid of heights.
高点没关系
The heights are fine.
我不喜欢太低
It's the lows I'm not in love with.
怎么会
How's it coming?
站得高看得远 圣诞节之前我会到那的
Uh, spectacular. I'll get there well before Christmas.
我知道我们应该
I know we're supposed to do this whole
父女在一起好好聊聊
father-daughter Kumbaya on a stick thing,
但是那样行不通
but it just doesn't work that way.
我要坐下了
I'm gonna sit down.
好
Okay.
我知道
I know.
你不止对妈妈不忠
Mom wasn't the only one you cheated on.
我知道
I know.
我还是不明白碧碧在
I still don't know how Bebe sleeps at night
你跟妈妈一起建造的房♥子里怎么睡得着
in a house you and Mom built together.
正确的做法应该是卖♥♥掉它
And the decent thing would have been to just sell it,
或者烧了它
or burn the place down.
抱歉
I'm sorry.
抱歉什么呢
For what?
大多情况下会是事与愿违
That things rarely turn out the way we want them to.
是啊
Yeah.
听我说 亲爱的 安德鲁的事
Listen, honey. You know, this thing with Andrew...
唐
Don.
想喝点吗
Want my cosmo?
闻起来不好
Down to my toenails.
不了 谢谢
No, thanks.
奶奶的
Mother-pisser.
天啊 你肯定很激动
My God, you must be so excited.
多久了 好像四年没见到他们了吧
It's been, what, like four years since you've seen them?
给 亲爱的 吃点蔬菜
Here, sweetie, have some vegetables.
我有点紧张 其实
I'm kind of nervous, actually.
什么 你不必紧张啊 为什么啊
Yeah. What? You don't have to be. Why?
因为我妹妹从来没离开过哥伦比亚
Well, because my sister's never even left Colombia.
太多了
That's plenty.
真的吗 她跟你妈妈一样传统吗
Oh, really? Is she as traditional as your mother?
我想是 她非常腼腆
I think so. She's extremely shy. So...
听我说 我们会竭尽全力
Well, listen to me. We are going to make them feel
让她们有宾至如归的感觉
as welcome and at home as we possibly can.
我是不是必须承诺
Did you know that I have to promise
以天主教方式抚养孩子
to raise our kids Catholic
否则牧师不肯为我们举♥行♥仪式
or the priest won't even perform the ceremony?
拜托 那都是14世纪老掉牙的思想了
Oh, come on. That's very 14th-century of him.
-对吧 -听我的
-Right? -Just, listen to me,
在背后交叉手指 然后说"哈利路亚 耶稣保佑"
cross your fingers behind your back, and just say, "Hallelujah, Jesus."
米西一直都这样说
That's what Missy keeps saying.
但这不是整个事情的原则吗
But it's the principle of the whole thing, isn't it?
不 不是 这是婚姻
No, it's not. It's marriage.
一次妥协了 还有2999000次妥协
One compromise down, 2.999 million to go.
说起妥协
Speaking of compromises,
我有点事求你们帮忙
I have something that I need to ask you guys.
尽管说吧
Anything.
只是 这 这忙不小
It's just, it's... It's kind of a big one.
唐 我的天
Don? Oh, my God!
你知道你儿子刚跟我说什么吗
Do you know what your son just told me?
-哈 -天
-Huh? -Oh, my God.
你知道天主教怎么看待离婚这事吗
You know how the Catholics have this thing about divorce?
我刚刚才知道
Well, it turns out that Madonna
麦当娜对离婚这事的怪异看法
is under some sort of ridiculous impression
她觉得离婚是穷凶恶极的罪恶
that divorce is a great big, fat sin.
麦当娜是谁
Who's Madonna?
爱尔的生母啊 你疯了还是怎么的
AI's biological mother! What are you, nuts?
我没在听
I'm not listening.
她还觉得
And she's also under the impression
这偌大的世界上 罪大恶极的离婚者之中
that of all the big, fat divorce sinners in this whole big, wide world,
不包括咱俩啊
you and I are not among them.
-呃 -唐
-Uh... -Don?
你有在听我说吗
Can you even hear what I'm saying?
-没听 -咱俩没离婚啊
-Not remotely. -We're not divorced!
-懂吗 -你说什么
-Got it? -What?
接下来的三天 你我还要假装夫妻
For the next three days, you and I are husband and wife.
-你说什么 -就是
-What? -Yes!
糟糕
Shit!
唐啊
Don!
我很不爽
I feel terrible.
这年头谁都能上哈佛了 是吧
They're just letting anyone into Harvard these days, huh?
你没告诉她 就因为
And you never told her about them because...
我以为她不可能来这儿啊
I mean, there was no way she was ever gonna come here.
婚前咨♥询♥之后我才知道这事
It never even occurred to me until that Pre-Cana.
-等下 -噢
-Well, wait a minute. -Oh.
万一她知道了真♥相♥怎么办
What would happen if she knew the truth?
你说过领养后 她给你带来多大的折磨
You told me what she put you through during the adoption.
她抛弃了唯一的儿子 只为了让我能有机会过上好日子
She gave up her only son so that I could have a chance at a better life.
事到如今 她跑出哥伦比亚
And now, she left Colombia,
她可是发过誓永远不踏出那里一步啊 还坐着飞机
which she swore she would never do. On an airplane,
她最怕坐飞机啊
which she's petrified of,
来到这儿 发现我一直对她撒谎
only to find out that I've been lying to her
原来过去15年来
about being raised by heathens
养育我的竟然是异教♥徒♥
for the past 15 years.
-无意冒犯 -没关系
-No offense. -None taken.
会伤透她柔弱的小心脏啊
It'd break her poor little heart.
干脆冒牌几天吧 又不是什么大事
Why don't we just fake it for a of couple days? No big deal.
你怎么知道自己能装的跟真的一样
And what makes either of you think you could pull this off?
宝贝 我只有一小点细节搞不明白
Sweetie, there's just one little part that I'm stuck on.
如果你俩还是夫妻
If those two are still married,
那我算什么
then what does that make me?
妾
My concubine?
我还没想到这一步
I hadn't really gotten there yet.
看出来了
I see.
好啦
All right.
还有谁要喝茶
More tea, anyone?
看来某人的日子比我过得还烂啊
I thought my life was a shit storm.
我觉得不对劲
I feel awful.
那你到底还在等什么
Well, then what the hell are you waiting for?
有好戏看了
This is gonna go great.
何不在露馅之前 把她安抚下来
Before we start shitting kittens, why don't we just sit the old gal down
告诉她真♥相♥ 咱俩就是离婚了啊
and lay it all out for her? You and I are divorced.
又不是搬到动物园去住之类的大事
It's not like we moved to a fucking petting zoo or something.
她来自另一个国家
She's from another country.
一个文化迥异的国家
A very different country.
她的价值观跟我们的不一样
And her values aren't the same as ours.
所以还是在周末的时候假装夫妻吧
So just pretend to be married for the weekend.
又不是什么大事