凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

"I don't like the way you've treated us since we've been here."
我对天发誓 各位 我扭头往左一看
Hand on the Bible, people. I turned to my left.
一头真正的银背猩猩 从同一片树丛里走出来了
A real-life silverback gorilla appears from the same goddamn bushes.
我的天啊 当我看到真实的银背猩猩
Oh my God. When I say a real-life silverback gorilla,
我说的可是真的野兽 全是胸肌 看不见腿
I'm talking about a real nigga. All chest, no legs.
All chest, no legs.
这头大猩猩 从不做腿部健身 只做胸部
This gorilla ain't ever did legs. All chest.
如果大猩猩进监狱 它会是这样
If a gorilla went to the penitentiary, he would look like this.
我从没见过这种野兽
I ain't never seen no shit like this.
它走出来了 摸了一下树 那棵树就倒了
He came out, touched a tree. The tree just fell.
树倒在地上
Bow! The tree's on the ground.
各位 我不敢相信
People, I can't believe
我和一头真正的银背猩猩面对面了
that I'm in arms distance of a real-life silverback gorilla.
那一刻 我真♥他♥妈♥的被震撼了
I'm actually in awe of the fucking moment.
其他人都匍匐在地 其他人都臣服了
Everybody else is on the ground. Everybody else has submitted.
只有我还站着 看着那头银背猩猩
I'm the only one standing up, looking at the fucking silverback.
唯一让我回过神来的是我儿子
The only thing that snapped me out of it was my son.
他拍了我腿两下
My son tapped my leg twice.
我转过身 我儿子说
I turn around.
My son said…
"Bye, Dad." I said, "What the f…"
“再见 爸爸” 我说：“你♥他♥妈♥搞…
你♥他♥妈♥什么意思？ ‘再见 爸爸’？什么？”我的天啊
"The fuck you mean, 'Bye, Dad'? What?" Oh my God.
我的天 我猛然意识到
Oh my God. It dawned on me.
我违反了第一条规则
I'm breaking rule number one.
第一条规则是“不要和银背猩猩对视”
Rule number one was, "Do not look the silverback in the eye."
我他妈的两眼 直勾勾地和这头银背猩猩对视
I'm looking this silverback dead in the fucking eye.
现在我害怕了 我他妈的不知道该怎么办
Now I'm scared.
I'm scared. I don't know what to fucking do.
于是我转身问安托瓦 让他告诉我该怎么办
So I turn and talk to Antoine, so Antoine can tell me what to do.
当我转身找安托瓦的时候 安托瓦不见了
When I turn around to talk to Antoine, Antoine was gone.
安托瓦以我这辈子 见过的最完美的姿势奔跑
Antoine…
Antoine was running with the best form I've ever seen in my fucking life.
五指完美并拢
He had his fingers closed up to perfection.
手臂飞快运动
This motherfucker was hitting that bitch.
手掌劈风 就像切蛋糕 听到了吗？
He was chopping that wind like a piece of cake. You hear me?
那一刻 我不知道该怎么办 就是那样
At this point, I don't know what to do. At this point, it is what it is.
我看着银背猩猩 银背猩猩看着我
I'm looking at the silverback. Silverback's looking at me.
我告诉你们 我从来没有怂过
Let me tell you something. I've never been a bitch.
今天我也不要变怂 他妈的事情就是这样了
I'm not gonna start being a bitch today. It is what the fuck it is.
我看着银背猩猩 它决定对我拍击胸脯 它说…
While I'm looking at the silverback, he decided to bang on me. He said…
我来给你们翻译一下
Let me tell you what this means.
当银背猩猩拍击胸脯 它们是在告诉你它们有多强壮
When a silverback hits their chest,
that's the way they let you know how strong they are.
开始厮打之前 它们用那种方式来比试强弱
That's how they gauge who's stronger before they fight.
还有一个知识点 银背猩猩厮打的时候
Here's another piece of information. When silverbacks fight,
打输的那头银背猩猩会输掉一切
whichever silverback loses the fight, loses everything.
你会输掉老婆、孩子
You lose your wife and your kids.
作为银背猩猩 如果你打架输了 你就要一无所有地在丛林中徘徊
You lose a fight as a silverback, you gotta walk in the jungle with nothing.
之后的生活怎么办 你得自己想办法 你一无所有了 对吧？
You gotta figure fucking life out. You don't have anything. Right?
所以它才有那么多 该死的孩子和那么多该死的老婆
That's why he had so many kids and all of them goddamn wives.
他扁过很多银背猩猩 他总是打赢
He done whooped that many silverbacks ass. He done did it.
现在 我要问大家一个问题
Now this is a question. It's a question for y'all.
不用现在回答 之后想想再回答
Don't answer it now. Answer later on your own time.
那真的是损失吗？ 如果我们打架…对吧？听我说
Is that really a loss? Like, if we fight… Right? Listen.
如果我们打架 我打输了 你说你要接手我的老婆孩子
If we fight and I lose, you're saying that you gotta take my wife and my kids,
你往那边走 我可以走这边 白白走掉
and you go that way, and I get to go this way for free.
你是这个意思哇？ 因为这听起来也不像是损失啊
Is that what you're saying?
'Cause it doesn't sound like a loss.
好吧 我看着那头银背猩猩 它看着我
Okay. So, I'm looking at the silverback. He's looking at me.
事情就他妈是这样 我不会拍打我的胸脯回应它
It is what the fuck it is. I'm like, okay. I'm not gonna bang on my chest back.
如果我那么做 它就会知道我是个怂货 我不会那样
If I do, he's gonna know I'm a bitch. I'm not about to do that.
所以我就做了现场每个 处在我这种境况的男人都会做的事
So I did what any other man would do if they were in my shoes.
如果换作你们 这里没有一个男人
There's not a man in this room that wouldn't have done exactly what I did
不会做相同的选择
if you were in my position.
我直勾勾地瞪着那头银背猩猩 我做了安托瓦所说的一切 我说…
I looked that silverback dead in the eye, and I did everything Antoine said. I said…
我上蹿下跳 击打地面
I jumped up. I smacked the ground.
我朝一棵树跑去 咬掉一块树皮
I ran to the tree. I bit the bark off.
我抓起一把桉树叶擦屁♥股♥
I grabbed the eucalyptus, rubbed it in my ass.
我告诉你们的唯一原因是因为我知道
The only reason why I'm telling you all of this is because I know for a fact
那些白人在全程拍摄
them white people taped the whole thing. They got it all on tape.
那场面早晚会被发到网上 只是时间问题
It's a matter of time before this shit hits the Internet,
但我想让你们抢先从我嘴里听说
but I wanted y'all to hear it from me first.
这样你们就会理解 我那么做是为了救我的家人
So you understand that I did
what the fuck I had to do to save my family,
而且那天我学到了宝贵的一课
and I learned a valuable lesson that day.
那就是 我应该 吃另外那种老二药丸的
And that lesson that I learned is that I should've took the other dick pill.
我应该选择银背猩猩45专业版
I should've went with the Silverback 45 Pro.
那款老二药丸效力更强 迈阿密的朋友们 你们是最强的观众
It's a stronger dick pill. And, Miami, you guys are a strong crowd.
非常感谢大家的陪伴
Thank you so much for joining me.
我是凯文·哈特 我爱你们 晚安
My name is Kevin Hart, and I love you. Good night.
（脚本创作兼表演：凯文·哈特）