凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

糖尿病、他妈的癌症 高血压、血压高、痛风
Diabetes, fucking cancer, high blood pressure, hypertension, gout.
我是说 没完没了的中风 你随便说一个 他们肯定都有
I mean, strokes left and right. You name it, they're fucking battling it.
我不想自己也那样 所以我他妈的努力预防
I don't wanna be that guy, so I'm trying to fucking prevent it.
我想现在改变 以后就不必改变了
Trying to change myself now so I don't have to do it later.
这是我努力想要去做的 这是目标
That's what I'm trying to do. That's the goal.
Um…
我…
I'll…
我会对我的朋友们说… 在健康问题上 我的朋友是
I'll say to my friends… My friends are probably the dumbest people in the world
全世界最傻的一群人
when it comes to understanding health and wellness.
我的朋友对健康毫不在意
My friends have no respect for health and wellness.
在健康问题上 斯班克可能是最蠢的一个
Spank may be the dumbest when it comes to understanding health and wellness.
我们一起吃晚饭 那是大概一个月前 斯班克喝着一杯葡萄酒 好吧？
We're at dinner. This was a month ago. Spank drank a glass of wine. Right?
喝完酒之后 他说 “我靠 我每次喝葡萄酒都头晕
After he got down the wine, he's like,
"Goddamn, every time I drink wine, I get dizzy as shit."
我该死的眼睛开始模糊 我感觉不到自己的手
"My motherfucking eyes get blurry, I can't feel my hand."
左半边脸好像在变长
"The left side of my face feels like it's getting long."
我该死的胳膊麻木了 我感觉不到我的腿
"My fucking arm is numb. I can't feel my leg."
我的脚好像被尖刺戳着”
"My foot feels like it's got spikes coming in it."
我说：“贱♥人♥ 你中风了 这是中风”
I said, "Bitch, you're having a stroke. This is a stroke."
他说：“我没事 我回家躺下 喝点姜汁汽水就好了“
He said, "I'm all right. I'm gonna go home, lay down,
and drink some ginger ale."
我说：“什么？”
I said, "What?"
“我会躺下 喝点姜汁汽水”
"I'mma lay down and drink some ginger ale."
是谁让黑人相信姜汁汽水是药的
I really wanna meet the person responsible
我真想见见这个人
for convincing Black people that ginger ale is medicine.
我想见见你 一拳打到你那该死的喉头
I wanna meet you.
I wanna meet you so I can punch you in the fucking throat.
那不是药！
It's not medicine!
那他妈的是苏打水 是苏打水！
It's fucking soda. It's soda!
你想知道姜汁汽水里没有什么？姜
You wanna know what's not in ginger ale? Ginger.
我们先说说这件事 怎么样 各位？他妈的姜！
How about we start there, people? Fucking ginger!
人们在小药厨里 存放该死的小瓶姜汁汽水
People got fucking small bottles of ginger ale in their medicine cabinet.
你们这帮该死的白♥痴♥ 那是苏打水！
You fucking idiots. It's soda!
我的朋友非说姜汁汽水管用
My friends swear by ginger ale.
赌咒发誓说它管用 我朋友哈里膝盖有毛病 已经十年了
They swear by it.
My friend Harry, his knees have been messed up for over ten years.
我知道他是半月板问题 我知道
I know it's his meniscus. I know it is. Ask Harry what's wrong with his knee,
你要是问哈里 他会说 “我睡觉姿势不对 活动开了就好了”
he goes, "I slept wrong. I just gotta let it loosen up."
斯班克说：“你得喝点姜汁汽水”
Spank goes, "You gotta drink some ginger ale."
哈里说：“真的？” 这是真事 哈里说：“真的？”
Harry goes, "Word?" This is a true story.
他说：“听我的没错 喝点姜汁汽水”
Harry goes, "Word?" He said, "I'm telling you, drink some ginger ale."
哈里就点了一杯姜汁汽水 喝了下去 站起来 他说：“噢 我靠 真的
Harry orders a ginger ale, drinks it, stands up.
He goes, "Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Yeah!"
真的 我能感觉到” 你这说瞎话的贱♥人♥
"Yeah, I feel that."
You lying bitch.
你告诉我你能感觉到你那该死的 膝盖里有气泡？你屁也感觉不到
Telling me you feel bubbles in your fucking knee? You don't feel shit.
健康问题永远是饮食问题 什么能吃 什么不能吃
Health and wellness all comes down to what you can eat versus what you can't.
这是一场战争 人们每天 都输掉这场战争 有人明白 有人不懂
It's a battle people lose every day.
Some people understand it, some people don't.
什么能吃 什么不能吃
What can you eat versus what you can't.
老年人才不在乎
Old people don't give a fuck. Old people do not give a fuck.
你们有没有试过纠正老年人 告诉他们什么不能吃？
You ever tried to correct an old person when you know the shit they can't have?
“爷爷 你知道你不能吃那么多盐”
"Grandpop, you know you can't eat salt." "Motherfucker, I know."
“混♥蛋♥ 我知道 你以为我在乎你或者医生？”
"You think I give a fuck about you or the doctor?"
他们根本不在乎
They don't give a fuck.
我已经知道 我能吃什么 不能吃什么了
I already know what I can have, and I know what I can't.
我喜欢福来鸡的辣鸡肉三明治
I love the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Chick-fil-A.
不过我不能吃 但我喜欢
I can't eat it though, but love it.
我认为那是全世界最好的三明治 但我不能吃
I think it's the best sandwich in the world, but I can't eat it.
这种三明治是不可战胜的 我的身体和它作战 一回没赢过
That sandwich is undefeated.
It's never lost a battle to my body. Never.
每次我吃那种三明治 它都会 完完整整地从我屁♥股♥里射出来
Every time I eat that sandwich, it comes out my ass like a buckshot.
就一发
One shot. One shot.
就在那里
Pow! There it is. There it is.
我甚至不用回头看 我知道下面一团糟
I don't even look back. I know it's a mess.
我知道 那里他妈的一团糟
I know it's a fucking mess back there.
Bang!
你们知道我最恼火的是什么？
You know what pisses me off about that sandwich? I know I chew it.
我知道我嚼了 我嚼了那个该死的三明治
I chew the fuck out of that sandwich.
那玩意儿不知怎么 居然自己又组合起来
Somehow that bitch put itself back together
完完整整地从我屁♥眼♥里拉出来
and comes out my ass whole.
面包在马桶圈后面 鸡肉饼在他妈的地板上
The bun be on the back of the toilet seat. The chicken patty on the goddamn floor.
我只好把那玩意儿 组合到一起 丢进马桶
I gotta put the bitch back together and put it in the toilet.
该死的三明治 那是屁♥股♥里的火苗 行走的屁♥眼♥火
Fuck that sandwich. It's an ass fire. It's a walking ass fire.
年纪越大 能享受的东西就越少
The older you get, the less you can have.
随着年纪增长 你的肠胃功能会衰弱
Your stomach fucking weakens the older you get.
很多东西不能再吃了 你要是真想笑 就和老年人共进晚餐
You can't eat shit no more.
If you really wanna laugh, go to dinner with old people.
和老年人去吃晚餐 你就会听到他们 告诉服务员他们有哪些忌口
Go to dinner with old people
so you can hear old people tell the waiters the shit they can't have.
包括那些最简单的东西 “不好意思 这水里有柠檬吗？
It'll be the simplest shit. "Excuse me, is there lemon in that water?"
快端走 我要是 吃了柠檬 接下来一个月都完了
"Uh-uh! Get it out of here."
"I eat that lemon, it's over for me for the month."
我要是吃了柠檬 会连续几天拉肚子”
"I'll be shitting for days if I eat that lemon."
“柠檬让你拉肚子？”
"Lemon makes you shit?"
“这面包上是芝麻吗？快拿走
"Is that sesame seeds on that bun? Uh-uh. Get it out of here."
我要是吃一粒芝麻 这一年都完了”
"I eat a sesame seed, I'm fucked up for the year."
“什么？
"What?"
一年？我靠！”
"For the year? Goddamn!"
但变老很有趣
But getting old is fun.
我等不及想要进入老年
I can't wait to get, like, to the other side of old age.
关键是要知道你想要怎样的老年生活
It's all about knowing the version of old that you wanna be.
我知道我想要怎样的老年生活 也知道我不想要怎样的老年生活
I know the version of old that I wanna be,
and I know the version that I do not wanna be.
我已经和家人谈过了
I've already had a talk with my family.
我要是老到一定程度 我就不想再活着了 不再留恋人间
If I get to a certain level of old,
I don't wanna live no more. I don't wanna be here.
我不想老到我会…
I don't wanna get to this point where… where I'm like…
Oh…
Oh…
Oh…
总好像有个人叫了你一声
Where you always look like somebody called you. Oh…
Oh… Oh…
我他妈的就不想活了
I don't wanna fucking live.
等我老到那样了 你们得帮我回忆我曾经喜欢的东西
If I get there, you gotta remind me of all the shit that I used to like.
“爷爷 想吃煎饼吗？” “我不要该死的煎饼”
"Grandpop, you want some pancakes?" "I don't want no pancakes."
“但你喜欢煎饼啊”
"But you love pancakes."
"Oh…"
"Oh…"
“对啊 我的确喜欢煎饼”
"That's right. I do love pancakes."
把我带到后面 开枪打爆我该死的头
Take me out back. Shoot me in the fucking head.
我不会“哦哦”地把人烦死
I ain't gonna be "oh-ing" people to death.
Oh… Oh…
得有人把那黑鬼干掉
Somebody go lay that nigga down.
我也不想老到需要一个小药盒
I don't wanna get to that… to that space where I need that pill box.
那也不是我想要的 那种长条的药盒 还可以标注星期的那种
I don't want that either.
That long-ass pill box with the days of the week on it.
我宁愿去死
I'd rather fucking die.
我宁愿死 也不要他妈的吃晚饭时 从兜里掏出那么个盒子
I'd rather die than pull that out my pocket at fucking dinner.
“哦哟
"Oh boy. Oh…"
谁知道今天星期几？
"Anybody know what day it is?"
星期四？噢 不好 我以为是星期二呢”
"Thursday? Oh no. I thought it was Tuesday. Oh!"
给我一枪吧
Shoot me.
我他妈的不想留恋人间
I don't wanna fucking be here.
如果我不能吹灭 我的生日蛋糕上的生日蜡烛
If I can't blow out my birthday candles on my birthday cake,
那我他妈的就不想活了
I don't wanna fucking be here.
那是你能对老年人做的最过分的事 老人83、85岁了
That's the worst shit that you could do to an old person.
Old people turn 83, 85 years old.
你端上来一个巨大的生日蛋糕 他妈的插满了蜡烛
You get these big-ass birthday cakes with all these fucking candles on it.
生日蛋糕上有85支蜡烛
You got 85 candles on a birthday cake.
你端出来 “奶奶生日快乐 吹蜡烛吧
You come out. "Happy birthday, Grandma. Blow out the candles."
你能行的 奶奶” 不 她真不行了！
"You can do it, Grandma." No, she can't!
我们都等了45分钟了 这贱♥人♥也没把那些该死的蜡烛吹灭！
Been here 45 minutes waiting on this bitch to blow these fucking candles out!
我还得上班！
Gotta go to work!
“奶奶 你行的”
"You can do it, Grandma."
我他妈的不想留恋人间
I don't wanna fucking be here.
我只想活到 我他妈想说什么就说什么的年纪
I wanna get to that age where I can say whatever the fuck is on my mind.
我就想活到那么老
That's the old that I wanna be.
人老到一定年纪 你就开始信口胡说 你不在乎了
There's a certain level of old where you just start saying shit. You don't care.
你♥他♥妈♥的越过了人生的山丘 有些老年人就做得很好
You're on the other side of life. Some old people have done it right.
你们知道谁做得好吗？ 传奇人物昆西·琼斯
You know who did it right? The legend Quincy Jones.
愿这位传奇人物安息 他妈的昆西·琼斯