凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

自然栖息地
of real gorillas.
当时听他们一说 我就说：“管它呢 我去”
When they said it, I said, "Fuck it. I don't care. I'll do it."
因为在我的脑子里 我想的是：“一定会有玻璃的”
The reason why is because, in my mind, I was like, "There has to be glass."
对吧？
Right?
一定有玻璃
There has to be glass.
我从没有在 没有玻璃墙的情况下接近过大猩猩
I've never been around gorillas and there hasn't been glass.
一定有玻璃
There has to be glass.
他们说：“凯文 年龄太小的孩子不能去”
They said, "Kevin, your younger kids can't go."
之前就只有我、我老婆 和我那两个十几岁的孩子
So it was me, my wife, and my two teenagers.
我们和另外两拨客人汇合了
We're now with two other groups.
一个白人家庭 一家四口 另外还有四个白人朋友
There's one white family of four,
and there's another white group of friends of four.
我们一共12个人
It's a total of 12 of us.
要去丛林 你得步行穿过公园
To get to the jungle, you gotta hike through the park.
公园渐渐变成丛林 这是真事
The park turns into the jungle. This is a true story.
来到丛林以后 一群士兵加入了我们的行列
When we arrived at the jungle, soldiers joined us.
他们有AK47步♥枪♥ 机关枪 他们穿着作战服装
They got AK-47s, machine guns. They're wearing tactical gear.
还他妈的有手♥枪♥ 绑在大腿上
They had the motherfucking handguns strapped to their legs.
很自然 我看到这阵势 就有问题想问
Naturally, when I see this, I have questions.
“不好意思 这是什么情况？他们来干什么？
"Excuse me."
"Excuse me. What's going on? Why are they here?"
要出什么事？”
"What's about to happen?"
他说：“他们在这里 只是防备大猩猩跑出来
He said, "Oh, they're here just in case the gorillas get out of line,
我们就得把它们放倒”
and we gotta put 'em down."
“你说…它们会怎么样？ 打破玻璃？它们能怎么样？
"When you say-- Like, what do they do? Do they…"
"Do they smack the glass? What do they do? Do they--"
它们能打破玻璃吗？”
"Can they break the glass?"
没人回答 所以我就认为我说对了
Nobody answers me, so I assume the things I'm saying are correct.
这时 我们的导游来了 导游的名字叫安托瓦
We're now joined by a tour guide. Tour guide's name was Antoine.
安托瓦这个人
Antoine is a man that has dedicated his life
一生致力于理解大猩猩
to understanding gorillas.
他对大猩猩的习性了如指掌
He knows gorillas inside and out, top to bottom.
安托瓦是个黑人 我不想 让白人知道安托瓦这个黑人
Antoine is a Black man that I do not want white people to find out about.
安托瓦是我见过的最像大猩猩的人
Antoine was the closest thing
to a human gorilla I've ever seen in my fucking life.
我这么说 乍听可能很疯狂 但我来解释一下
Now, when I say it, it sounds crazy at first, but I'll explain why.
安托瓦负责告诉我们
Antoine was responsible
如果遇到真的大猩猩 我们要怎么办
for telling us what we need to do when we encounter the actual gorilla.
这是安托瓦的原话 他的原话就是这么说的
This is Antoine's exact words. This is exactly what he said to us.
他说：“好的 听我说
He goes, "Okay, listen up."
第一条规则 绝不能 和大猩猩有目光接触
"Rule number one…"
"Rule number one. You must not look the gorilla in the eye."
如果大猩猩看你 你要看地 表示臣服
"If the gorilla looks at you, you look down. You submit."
你向大猩猩表示臣服 因为你没有力量
"You submit to the gorilla because you have no power."
大猩猩有力量 你没有力量
"The gorilla has the power. You have no power."
你和大猩猩相比 软弱无力 你要看地
"You are powerless compared to the gorilla. You look down."
让大猩猩看到 它有力量 你没有力量
"Show the gorilla that he has the power and that you have no power."
你软弱无力
"You are powerless."
第二条规则
"Rule number two."
你必须和大猩猩融为一体
"You must become one with the gorilla."
大猩猩怎么做 你就必须怎么做”
"You must do what the gorilla does."
说着 他就开始 变身成为他妈的大猩猩
He starts morphing into a fucking gorilla in real time.
我简直不敢相信眼前的景象
I can't believe what the fuck I'm witnessing right now.
我有点生气 因为这个黑人当着他妈的白人的面
I'm getting irritated 'cause this Black man is acting like a gorilla
表现得像个大猩猩 我开始生气了
in front of these fucking white people. I'm getting pissed.
那些白人还做笔记 他们在写什么
And the white people were taking notes. They were writing shit down.
我生气了 “贱♥人♥ 你♥他♥妈♥写什么？”
I got mad. I said, "Bitch, what the fuck you writing down?"
她嘘我 “注意听”
She shushed me. "Shh. Pay attention."
“贱♥人♥ 我揍你 别叫我注意听
"Bitch, I'll knock your ass out. Don't tell me to pay attention."
你♥他♥妈♥往那笔记本上写什么呢？” 安托瓦继续…
"What the fuck are you writing down in that book?" Antoine keeps going…
他上蹿下跳 击打地面
He's jumping up and down, smacking the ground.
Pow! Pow!
演示完了 他看着我儿子 说：“现在你试试”
When he gets done, he looks at my son. He goes, "Now you try."
我说：“他绝不会干这种事！
I said… I said, "He will do no such fucking thing!"
我绝不允许我儿子学大猩猩
"I'm not about to have my son acting like no goddamn gorilla
而且还当着这帮白人 你会毁了他的人生
in front of these white people, so you can fuck up his life
就像他们毁了乔丹的孩子那样
like they did them Jordan boys."
我不许你♥他♥妈♥的对我孩子下手
"You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son."
我不许你♥他♥妈♥的对我孩子下手！”
"You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son!"
他说：“你随便吧”
He said, "Suit yourself."
"Suit yourself."
他跑向一棵树 咬下一块树皮
He runs to a tree, bites the bark off the tree.
他开始舔树皮下面的糖
He starts licking the sugar underneath.
他说：“大猩猩 喜欢糖 你也必须喜欢糖”
He says, "The gorillas love sugar. You, too, must love sugar."
他从树丛里抓起一把桉树叶
He grabs a scoop of eucalyptus out of the bushes.
开始拿桉树叶涂抹浑身上下
He starts rubbing eucalyptus all over his body.
他说：“大猩猩喜欢桉树的味道
He says, "The gorillas love the smell of eucalyptus."
你也必须有桉树的味道 现在 我们走吧”
"You, too, must smell like eucalyptus."
"Now, we trek."
他拔腿就跑 跑进那该死的丛林
He takes off, runs in the fucking jungle.
我♥操♥！
Fuck!
因为我们得跟着他啊 我们他妈的得跟着他
Because we've gotta follow him. We gotta fucking follow him.
我们在丛林里徒步 我发誓 这是真事
We're trekking in the jungle. Hand on the Bible. This is a true story.
走了15、20分钟后 他停下了 他说：“停”
Fifteen, twenty minutes into the trek, he stops. He goes, "Stop."
这是他的原话 “它们就在这里”
His exact words…
"They're here."
我说：“玻璃墙呢？ 我到哪里去才能躲在玻璃墙后面？
I said…
"Where's the glass? Where do I get behind the glass?"
玻璃墙呢？”
"Where's the glass?"
各位 我他♥娘♥的♥往左边一看
People, I turned to my goddamn left.
大约七到九只雌性大猩猩 从该死的树丛里走出来了
About seven to nine female gorillas come out the goddamn bushes.
它们两条腿走路 这群畜牲走出来了
They're on two legs. These motherfuckers are walking.
They are walking out.
我从没见过那景象 我立刻就臣服了 我举起手
I ain't never seen no shit like it. Immediately, I submitted.
I put my hand up.
我匍匐在地 我臣服
I hit the ground. I submit.
I submit.
安托瓦想把我拽起来 他说：“凯文 起来”
Antoine tried to pick me up. He said, "Kevin, get up, get up, get up."
我说：“不 你滚开 我没有力量 它们有力量
I said, "No. Get the fuck off me. I have no power. They have the power."
我没有力量
"I have no power."
我很无力 它们有力量”
"I am powerless. They have the power."
我看那边 我老婆 那蠢货 竟然拿出手♥机♥ 还开了闪光灯
I look this way, my wife, dumbass, has got the phone out with the flash on.
她想录像 她想拍视频
She's trying to get video. She's trying to get footage.
我拍打她 “贱♥人♥ 跪下
I hit her. "Bitch, get down."
跪下 臣服”
"Get down. Submit."
我们没有力量 它们有力量 我们软弱无力
"We have no power. They have the power. We are powerless."
现在 它们有大约15个 有他妈的15个
Now it's like 15 of them. It's like fucking 15.
他妈的一大家子 一群侄女、侄子、姑姑、叔叔
A whole goddamn family. A bunch of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles.
这帮畜牲走来走去 我们被围在了中♥央♥
These motherfuckers are walking around, and we're in the middle of this.
一切都来得太快了
It's all happening so fast.
其中一头大猩猩摸我的额头
One of the gorillas touched my forehead.
它没打我 但它把我的额头往上拉扯
He didn't hit me, but he pulled my forehead back,
让我眼睛睁得大大的 我这辈子没睁过那么大
and made my eyes open up wider than they ever have in my life. Like…
他妈的眼白露出来一大♥片♥
I had so much fucking white in my eyes.
这时候 我可以看见那些当兵的
And when I… When I did it, I could see the soldier.
那些兵就在那里 我说 “开枪！你们他妈的干什么呢？
The soldier is right here.
I said, "Shoot it! Like, what the fuck are you doing, man?"
开枪打它！这显然 是对我的攻击 这是攻击！”
"Shoot it!"
"This is clearly a fucking attack. It's an attack!"
它要把我他妈的脑门儿掀起来了 我不知道它在干什么
He's trying to fucking rip my forehead off.
I don't know what he's doing.
所有大猩猩都在玩耍 场面极其狂野 我们看着
All the gorillas keep playing.
They're roughhousing the shit. We're watching it.
无缘无故地 它们同时起来
For no reason, they all get up at the same time.
跑进了丛林 安托瓦站了起来 他兴奋极了
They run in the jungle. Antoine stands up. He's so excited.
他说：“是不是很美？ 大猩猩的生活 现场切身感受
He goes, "Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it beautiful?"
"The life of the gorilla, live, in person."
现在 我们追踪这群大猩猩 看看它们是怎么生活的
"Now, we track the gorilla so we can see the way the gorilla lives."
我们跟着这群大猩猩”
"We follow the gorilla."
我说：“你见鬼去吧 我不干
I said, "Fuck you, man. No."
我才不跟着 该死的大猩猩 不！我要回去
"I'm not following no fucking gorillas. No! I'm going back."
我和我的家人要回去了 我要带一个士兵和我一起走
"Me and my family are going back, and I wanna take a soldier with me
我要个不怯阵的 不像这个贱♥人♥
that's not afraid to do his job, unlike this bitch."
你是个贱♥人♥ 是的 你就是
"You're a bitch. Yes, you are."
你是个贱♥人♥ 它他妈想把我的脑门儿掀起来！”
"You're a bitch. He tried to rip my fucking forehead off!"
他说：“凯文 不 你必须走完这次徒步”
He says, "Kevin, no. You must finish the trek."
"You must finish the trek."
我说：“不 我要回去”
I said, "No, I'm going back."
他说：“噢 不 老大” 我说：“好啊 我要找你那该死的老大
He goes, "Oh no. The boss." I said, "Good. I wanna talk to your fucking boss."
自从我们来到这里 我就对你对待我们的方式有意见”