凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

去哪儿喝酒？夜店在哪儿？ 女人在哪儿？夜店在哪儿？
Where the drinks, where the clubs? Where the bitches, where the clubs?
每天如此
Every day.
45岁就不一样了 现在我们聊的只有伤病和药物
Forty-five is different.
All we talk about now is injuries and medicine.
真的
This is real shit. It's real shit.
过了40岁 你就一直 处在受伤状态 我也不知道为什么
After 40, you stay hurt. I don't know what it is, man.
你一直受伤 但你就是不知道怎么伤的
You stay hurt, but you just don't know how it happened.
每次和人聊天 第一句话准是
Every conversation you have starts off with a question
关于一个你都不知道怎么受的伤
about an injury that you don't know how it got there.
“今天我把脖子弄伤了 我他妈的都不知道怎么伤的”
"I fucked my goddamn neck up today."
"I don't know what I did to my goddamn neck."
过了40岁 大家都 开始关心你的伤情了 人人都想帮忙
Everybody cares about your injury after 40. Everybody wanna help.
“你怎么伤到的？”“我他妈也不知道
"What you think you did?"
"I don't know what the fuck I did to my neck."
可能是我 盯着公路上的一个路标太久了吧
"I think I'm looking at the signs on a highway too long
因为我先是这样 但然后我的头跟着它转”
'cause I'm doing this, but then tracing it back like this."
过了40岁 人人都想告诉你 你需要什么 人人都觉得自己是医生
Everybody wanna tell you what you need. Everybody think they're a doctor.
“你得用点姜黄 用点姜黄 还有鱼油
"You gotta get you some turmeric. Get some turmeric, some fish oil."
脖子上抹点鱼油 加一勺大蒜
"Rub some fish oil on your neck."
"Take a tablespoon of garlic. Bite an onion."
咬洋葱 把左脚泡在热水里
"Put your left foot in a bucket of hot water."
浸泡十分钟” 妈的搞什么？你以为我是吸血鬼？
"Stay in there for ten minutes." "You think I'm a vampire?"
你♥他♥妈♥的说什么呢？
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
过了40岁 你就一直处在受伤状态
You stay hurt after 40.
过了40岁 你再受伤可就惨了 你再也不能彻底康复
Here's a crazy thing about getting injured after 40.
You never make it back to 100%.
每次受伤 你就损失一点元气
You lose a piece of yourself with every single injury.
你无法再百分之百康复
You do not make it back to 100%.
我有证据 看这条胳膊
Here's proof. Look at this arm.
一直举到最高 看见了？在这里 举到最高
Mm. All the way up. See that? Right there. All the way.
这边就不行 就能到这儿 就到这里
Not this side. There it is. Right there.
Right there.
你给医生看 你猜医生怎么说？ 他说：“用那边胳膊就是了”
Showed the doctor. You know, what he said, "Just use the other side."
我说：“贱♥人♥ 治好它！
I said, "Bitch, fix it!"
我都失去平衡了 他妈的 给我治好！”
"Got me out here uneven. Fucking fix it!"
我太嫉妒年轻一代了
I'm so envious of this younger generation.
这些年轻人受了伤也能很快康复
These younger kids get hurt, they bounce right back.
我和这些孩子打篮球
I was playing basketball with these kids.
其中一个孩子扭了脚 他的脚踝撞到该死的地板 我看见了
One of the kids twisted his ankle.
His fucking ankle hit the fucking floor. I saw it.
他扭了脚 脚踝触到该死的球场地板
Twisted his ankle. His ankle was on the fucking court. Pow!
我说：“噢 我靠！肯定骨折了 他扭断脚踝了 我知道他骨折了”
I said, "Oh shit! That's gotta be broke. He broke that bitch. I know he broke it."
你们知道他怎么办？ 他当时怎么做的？
Y'know what he did? Y'know how he fixed it in real time?
他蹲下去 把鞋带重新系紧 跳起来
He bent down, tied his shoe up tight… …jumped up. Aah!
他说：“我没事
He said, "I'm good. I'm good."
我要打完比赛” 我说：“打完比赛？”
"I'mma finish the game." I said, "Finish the game?"
40岁以后 你不可能再那样了
You can't do no shit like that after 40.
你要是扭了脚 你的脚踝触到该死的地板
You twist your ankle, your ankle hit that goddamn court.
第二天你就得穿那种医用步行靴
The next day you're in that boot.
你得穿那种该死的靴子
You got that fucking boot on.
“大家好吗？”
"What's up, y'all?"
“我靠 乔！
"Goddamn, Joe!"
我以为你只是扭了脚踝” “我以为也是
"I thought you twisted your ankle." "So did I."
没想到是我的半月板还有跟腱
"Turns out it's my meniscus and my Achilles."
引发了我的坐骨神经痛 他们说我得休息八个月”
"That started my sciatica. They say I'm out for eight months."
“八个月？
"Eight months?"
八个月！我靠 乔！
"Eight months! Goddamn, Joe!"
你根本没上场啊！”
"You didn't even play!"
“我知道 他们说 是因为我坐下去太快了
"I know. They said I sat down too fast."
你们在外面的时候 一定要慢慢地往下坐
"Y'all gotta stop sitting down so fast when y'all go out there."
慢下来”
"Y'all gotta slow down."
“我靠 乔” 太容易受伤了
"Goddamn, Joe." It's too easy to get hurt.
我不认为人们明白 受伤是件多么容易的事
I don't think people understand how easy it is to get hurt.
那天我下楼 在最后三♥级♥台阶上滑了一下
I was walking down the stairs the other day.
I slipped down the last three steps.
倒是没摔倒 只是脚跟打滑了一下 就是你突然那样一下 懂吧？
I didn't fall. I heeled it. You know that shit, when you do that?
你们知道我在说什么吧？ “哎哟不好” 就那种情况？
You know what I'm talking about? Like, "Oh no." Like that shit right there?
把我吓死了
Scared the fuck out of myself.
顺便说一下 我宁愿摔倒
By the way, I would much rather fall. I would much rather fall.
因为如果你摔倒了 也就完了
'Cause if you fall, it's over with.
这玩意儿呢 你会想…
This shit right here, you're thinking about…
你会想 等你 终于倒下了 会有多么严重
You're thinking about how bad it's gonna be when you finally go down.
“我要在他妈的楼梯上跌破脑袋了”
"I'm about to fuck my head up on the goddamn step."
结果 你会伤害到别人
You end up hurting people.
我前面这个可怜的女士 我把这位老太婆推下楼梯了
Poor lady in front of me. I pushed this old bitch down the stairs.
我惊慌失措了
I panicked. Ahh!
我只听到…
All I heard was…
楼梯很危险
Stairs are dangerous.
我不知道我们为什么需要这么多楼梯
I don't know why we need so many.
不管你去哪儿 都有那么多该死的楼梯
So many fucking stairs everywhere you go.
上楼还好 下楼就成问题
Going up 'em is fine. Going down is the problem.
年纪越大 就越可怕 那天我和我儿子一起
The older you get, it gets scary. I was with my son the other day.
我儿子下楼 这小子隔三跳两地蹦着下楼
My son was going down the steps. Never seen anything like it.
This nigga was skipping stairs going down. He's…
他他妈的一定是个复联超级英雄吧？ 我从没见过那么健康的膝盖
He's gotta be a fucking Avenger. I ain't never seen no better knees.
我儿子居然有如此神奇的膝盖！
What kind of knees does my son have?
我总是侧着身子下楼梯 年龄增长会带来改变 就这样
I go down the stairs sideways.
The older you get, they change, right here.
你们先走 着急吗？从我身边过去
Go ahead. You in a rush? Go around. Go around.
我不想跟你们捣乱 害自己受伤 你们先走
I'm not gonna hurt myself fucking with y'all. Go ahead.
太容易受伤了
It's too easy to get hurt.
那天我走进浴室 一脚踩空 天呐
I stepped in the shower the other day. My leg got away from me. Oh my God.
把我吓死了 我来了个大劈叉
Scared the shit out of me. Got a lot of distance in-between my fucking legs.
我的两条腿 从没有分开那么大过 天呐
I ain't never had that much distance in-between my fucking legs before.
Oh my God.
你不会在意你浴室里的那个扶手
You don't respect all that shit you can grab onto in the shower
直到有一天你需要它了 否则你就是不在意
until you need it. You don't respect it.
那些扶手 因为你根本不理解为什么 安装那些扶手 直到有一天你也需要
All those bars… 'Cause you don't know why them bars are there in the shower
until you fucking need it.
我告诉你 我滑了一下 差点磕破我该死的头
Let me tell you something. I slipped, almost cracked my fucking head,
我抓住了那个扶手
grabbed that little bar.
我说：“谢谢你啊 黑小鬼的救命扶手”
I said, "Thank you, save-a-little-nigga-life-bar."
对
Yeah.
就是那东西 那是一根黑小鬼的救命扶手
That's what that is.
That's the save-a-little-nigga-life-bar.
搞笑的是 我没抓住那个大的
Here's the funny part. I missed the big one.
我想抓那个大的
I… I tried to grab the big one.
我没抓住那玩意儿 只好去抓那个该死的下扶手
I missed that bitch. Had to grab the… …the fucking little one.
我的天呐 我从不知道 原来那两根扶手是干这个用的
Oh my God. I never knew that's why the two bars were there.
我很怕在浴室里摔倒
I've got a fear of falling in the shower.
我想那可能是你能遭受的最严重的伤
I think that's probably one of the worst injuries that you can get.
在浴室里摔倒？天呐 我怕的是这个
Falling in the shower? Oh my God. Here's my fear.
滑倒 伤到动弹不得
Falling and hurting myself to the point where I can't move,
但我正巧摔倒在花洒的下面 水还…
but I fall underneath the shower head,
and the water… the water…
水还不住往下流
The water keeps coming down,
我得坐在那里 拼命地挣扎六个小时
and I gotta sit there and fight for my life for six hours.
六个小时 我就这样…
For six hours, I'm like…
他们发现我时 就是这样子
That's how they find me.
老二缩得不丁点 因为我在该死的水里淋了六个小时
With a little dick, 'cause I've been in the fucking water for six hours.
天呐 你们能想象吗？
Oh my God. Can you imagine?
你快死了
You're about to die.
你听见旁人说的最后一句话是 “哎哟 看他那老二 哟”
The last thing you hear somebody say is, "Ew, look at his dick. Ew."
我靠 我的天呐
Oh my fucking God.
快开枪打死我算了
Shoot me now.
“他的老二怎么长那样啊？哟！”
"Why does his dick look like that? Ew!"
浴巾角塞进了你的屁♥股♥ 因为那是你摔倒前正在洗的部位
Wash rag's sticking out your ass because it's the last thing you washed.
浴巾上还沾了点屎
Little piece of shit on the rags.
“哎哟 浴巾上有屎
"Ew, it's shit on that rag."
一屁♥股♥屎 袖珍老二的家伙 我不想碰他”
"Little, shitty-butt, little-dick man. I ain't touching him."
我他妈的要死了
I'm fucking dying.
你们知道我为什么会想这些？ 是因为我上次受伤
You know why I think like this? Because of my last injury.
我上一次受的伤把我害苦了
My last injury fucked me up real bad, man.
基本上 我把我的老二弄断了 我想不出更好的方式来描述
I basically broke my dick. I don't know a better way to explain it.
今晚我要说实话 这个节目非常透明
I'm being very honest tonight. It's a show full of transparency.
我赛跑时受伤了
I injured myself during a footrace.
不是在跑道上
Not on the track.