凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

我会把你干上天
"I'm about to toss your ass up in the air."
你再挑逗我 我就让你尝尝那久违的滋味”
"You keep playing with me,
you gonna get a goddamn blast from the past."
“随便吧 凯文 随便吧 你总是满嘴放炮
"Whatever, Kevin. Whatever. You're always talking shit."
随便吧 你总是满嘴放炮”
"Whatever. You're always talking shit."
第一天结束的时候 你说到做到
End of day one, you do exactly what you said you was gonna do.
亮出你这辈子最厉害的老二药丸老二
You give out the best piece of dick-pill dick you've ever given in your life.
第二天关键在于跟进 “我说什么来着？
Day two is all about the follow-through. "What did I tell you I was gonna do?"
我不是说我要那么做的吗？ 什么时候想做随我高兴
"Didn't I tell you I was gonna do that? I can do that whenever I want."
就像电灯开关 我可以打开 可以关上
"It's like a light switch. I can flick it on and flick it off."
你不能随时享受那根老二
"The reason why you don't get that dick all the time
是因为你不知道 该怎么表现 所以你不能随时享受
is because you don't know how to act. That's why."
如果你表现好 你就会更经常享受那老二”
"You start acting right, you'll get that dick more often."
“我会表现好
"I'll act right. I'll act right. I'll act…"
告诉我该怎么做才算对 我会好好表现”
"Tell me what I gotta do to act right. I'll act right."
“首先 你可以学会闭嘴”
"You can start by shutting the fuck up."
吃了老二药丸之后 你就像变了一个人
You're a different man with a dick pill in your system.
跟不吃药的时候比起来 你不是原来的那个你了
You're not the same version of yourself that you are without.
你飙脏话都跟平时不一样
Your trash talk is even different.
你会说些你自己 都不知道你能说出口的下流话
You're saying shit that you didn't know you were capable of saying.
“我他妈的叫什么？”“凯文”
"What's my goddamn name?" "Kevin."
“不对！我的全名叫什么？ 我出生证明上写的是什么？”
"No. No! What's my full name, the way it is on my birth certificate?"
“凯文·达内尔·哈特”
"Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart."
“对！”
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!"
我的社保号♥码是多少？
What's my Social Security number?
“什么？我都不知道”
"What? I don't even… I don't even know."
“我的社保号♥码是多少？ 快说 不然我把老二拔♥出♥来♥了”
"What's my Social Security number?"
"You better say it before I take this dick out."
“不 别把老二拔♥出♥来♥
"No. Don't take this dick out."
噢 天呐
"Oh God."
1743222”
"1-7-4-3-2-2-2."
“对啦！
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!"
如果你喜欢这根老二 就举起手来”
"Raise your hand if you lovin' this dick."
“我喜欢这根老二”
"I'm loving this dick."
这么火爆 你的普通老二可接不住
You can't follow that with your regular dick.
你会让你的感情受到伤害
You will get your feelings hurt.
一开始 她就会照你腹部来一记老拳
Right off the gate, she will hit you with a gut punch.
从你放进去那一刻
As soon as you put it in.
“硬起来了吗？感觉跟昨天不一样”
"Is it hard all the way? It don't feel like it did yesterday."
“贱♥人♥ 你说什么？
"Bitch, what did you just say to me?"
贱♥人♥ 你说什么？” “感觉跟昨天不一样
"Bitch, what did you just say?" "It don't feel like it did yesterday."
感觉不像昨天那么充血 昨天你的血脉好充盈啊
"It don't feel like it's got the same amount of blood in it
that it had in it yesterday."
你说只要我做对了 我什么时候想要那根老二都可以
"You said if I act right I can get that dick whenever I wanted,
我做得很对啊
and I've been acting right."
来 我来帮你把更多血充进去
"Here, let me help you… Let me help you get more blood in it."
凯文·达内尔·哈特”
"Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart. Kevin Darnell Hart."
“贱♥人♥ 别念叨我他妈的全名了！ 你♥他♥妈♥说我的全名干什么？”
"Bitch, stop saying my full fucking name!"
"The fuck are you saying my full name for like that?"
“17432221”
"1-7-4-3-2-2-2-1."
“贱♥人♥ 别说我的社保号♥码！
"Bitch, stop saying my Social Security number!"
你戴了窃听器吗？ 你♥他♥妈♥在为谁工作？”
"You wearing a wire? Who the fuck you work for?"
“我要那个老二”
"I want that dick. I want that dick."
“把你那该死的手放下来”
"Put your fucking hand down."
现在反过来了 现在你软了 我的天呐
Now this went in reverse. Now you're you soft. Oh my God.
你和你爱的女人正云雨 你却软了 老天啊！
You just went soft in the session with the woman you love. Holy shit!
太糟糕了 真是糟透了
This is bad. This is as bad as it gets.
这是灾难现场 恐慌级别十级
This is ground zero, level-ten stage of panic.
你得尽你所能挽救你们的云雨
You gotta do what you can to save the session.
必须对你的女人使出挤压揉搓的招术
That's when you gotta hit your lady with the squeeze and squish.
先生 你知道挤压揉搓招术吧？ 那是你最后一招
Sir, you know what the squeeze and squish is?
The squeeze and squish is your last resort.
那是你为了挽救你们的云雨 使出的最后一招
That's your last resort at saving the session.
你得竭尽全力挤压底部
You gotta squeeze the base with everything you got,
尽量把足够的血泵到顶上 直到你完成发射
try to get enough blood at the top until you pop the seal.
这时候 你就变身成为变形金刚
That's when you turn into a Transformer.
就是想找到一点反应
Just looking for a little reaction.
“出什么事了？”“闭嘴！
"What's happening?" "Shut up, Shut up!"
你干扰我了”
"Throwing me off."
现场每个男人都懂我在说什么 你们只是不知道那叫什么
Every man knows what I'm talking about. You just didn't know what to call it.
叫挤压揉搓 不客气
It's the squeeze and squish. You're welcome.
女人今晚回家会说了 “你是不是在挤压揉搓我？”
Women are gonna go home tonight, "Are you squeeze-and-squishing me?"
感觉你是在挤压揉搓
That feels very squeeze and squish-ish.
你知道我的问题是什么？我想我的 问题出在给我提供老二药丸的人那里
You know what my problem was? I think…
I think my problem was my dick pill provider.
问题是我的老二药丸的来源 因为我不想去找医生
My problem was where I was getting the dick pills from.
I didn't wanna go to the doctor.
我不想开一张老二药丸的处方
I didn't want to get a prescription for dick pills.
我觉得那样太激进了
I felt that was too aggressive.
开个老二药丸的处方 老天爷啊
Getting a prescription for dick pills. Jesus Christ.
我是说 天呐 如果他把你的处方作废了怎么办？
I mean, God, what happens when he cancels your prescription?
你就不能再开药了
You can't do it anymore.
你不能再开处方了 因为医生让处方作废了
You no longer get a prescription because a doctor cancelled it.
太丢脸
That's embarrassing.
那样的对话会是什么场景？ “不 我知道 医生
What's that conversation like?
"No, I know. I know, Doc."
我都已经不那样干了 我对天发誓 就这一次
"I'm not even fucking like that no more. I swear to God. This… This is it."
这是我最后一次 别让我这么无助”
"This'll be my last time. Don't leave me out there like that."
我就是无法想象自己处在那种境地
I just can't see myself in that situation.
我从加油站买♥♥老二药丸
I was getting my dick pills from the gas station.
Um…
真的 我不是故意的 是临时起意买♥♥的
I was.
It didn't happen on purpose. It was an impromptu purchase.
我去加油 然后进去买♥♥薯片
I went to go get gas. Went inside to get chips.
薯片的旁边就摆着老二药丸 我心想：“管它呢” 我伸手就拿了
They had the dick pills next to the chips. I said, "Fuck it." I took it right there.
我喝了一瓶C4能量饮料 立刻有感觉了
I drank a C4 Energy drink. Felt it right away.
我的问题出在加油站店员那里
My problem was the gas station clerk.
我有太多问题要问那个加油站店员
I had so many questions for the gas station clerk.
我告诉你们了 我有点焦虑
I told you guys I've got a little anxiety.
我把加油站店员当成医生 我有太多问题要问
I was treating the gas station clerk like a doctor.
I had so much that I wanted to know.
我说：“不好意思 请问一下
I said, "Excuse me. Excuse me. Can you tell me the difference
‘超大犀牛’和 ‘银背猩猩45专业版’有什么区别？
between a Rhino XL and a Silverback 45 Pro?"
这俩有什么区别？
"What's the difference of those two?"
噢 好吧 所以你喜欢‘犀牛’？好的
"Oh! Okay, so you like the Rhino? Okay. Okay."
我对贝类过敏 这里面有什么需要我担心的吗？
"I'm allergic to shellfish."
"Anything I need to worry about?"
没有？我不会有事的？好的
"No? I'll be fine? Okay."
你的顾客感觉如何？
"How do your customers feel?"
你们有回头客吗？他们会不会回购？
"Do you get repeat customers? Do they come back and buy more?"
他们买♥♥了之后 会不会说很喜欢 又来买♥♥？”
"Do they say they loved it and come back and get it again?"
他很直接地告诉我
He told me flat out.
他说：“有个人进来 把我们这里每一种老二药丸都买♥♥下了
"I've got one guy that comes in here and buys every dick pill we have."
装进裤子的屁♥股♥兜里离开了”
"He leaves with 'em in his back pocket."
我说：“世界上只有一个人的 屁♥股♥兜大到足够装下那么多药”
I said, "There's only one back pocket big enough to fit that many dick pills."
迈克尔·乔丹 你这狗♥娘♥养♥的
Michael Jordan, you son of a bitch.
吃老二药丸的迈克尔·乔丹 你这狗♥娘♥养♥的！
Michael Dick Pill Jordan, you son of a bitch!
迈克尔看了这段非宰了我不可 我等不及了 他非他妈宰了我不可
Mike gonna kill me when he sees this set.
I can't wait. He gonna fuckin' kill me.
你们会在新闻上 看到我和迈克尔当街斗殴
Y'all gonna read about me and Mike fighting in the streets.
我会不停地用拳打他的屁♥股♥兜 “你♥妈♥的♥ 迈克尔
I'm gonna keep punching him in his back pocket. "Fuck you, Mike."
去你♥妈♥的♥ 我知道电脑在哪儿”
"Fuck you, man. I know where the computer is."
我真的很害怕吃药上瘾
I really am afraid of being addicted to pills.
这是我真心害怕的事
That's a real fear of mine.
因为我是个45岁的黑人男性
The reason why is because I'm a 45-year-old Black man.
在这种地方 健康的作用 就显出来了 大家要好好保重啊
This is where health and wellness comes into play, man.
Take care of yourselves, people.
在你还可以选择的时候 照顾好自己
Take care of yourselves while you can make the choice.
不要等到 你已经没有选择的时候 好好想想
Do not wait until you don't have a choice. Let that sink in.
在你♥他♥妈♥的还可以选择的时候 照顾好自己
Take care of yourself while you can make the fucking choice.
健康问题是大问题 真的
Health and wellness is very serious.
It is.
It is.
我这么在乎照顾好自己 是因为
The reason why I'm so big on taking care of myself
我的家人有很多问题
is because a lot of shit is in my family.
很多问题 我的家人毛病多极了
A lot of shit. My family is fucked up, man.
不管什么 他们都有
Name it, they got it.