凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

Rest in peace to the legend himself.
Quincy fucking Jones.
我的天呐
Oh my God.
哎呀 昆西老了以后 就开始信口胡说
Man, Quincy got old, just started saying shit.
你们想听段子？ 看看昆西·琼斯最后的四五次采访吧
You want some comedy? Watch Quincy Jones's last four or five interviews.
他开始信口胡说 跟问他的问题毫无关系
He just starts saying shit.
Shit that had nothing to do with the goddamn questions being asked.
昆西在享受自己的时间 他在做自己的事
Quincy was on his own time. He was doing his own shit.
我看了采访 他们问：“昆西 告诉我们 音乐对你意味着什么”
I watched an interview. They said, "Quincy, tell us what music means to you."
他说：“我♥干♥了至上女声的所有成员” “等等 什么？
He said, "I fucked all the Supremes." "Hold on. Wait, what?"
老天啊 昆西 什么？”
"Jesus Christ, Quincy. What?"
“我才不在乎呢
"I don't give a fuck."
你知道‘至上’是什么意思？ 至上逼 我不在乎
"Do you know what 'Supremes' stand for? Supreme pussy. I don't give a fuck."
我服用可♥卡♥因♥60年了” “我靠！
"I've been doing cocaine for 60 years." "Oh shit!"
昆西
"Quincy…"
昆西 别说了 快别说了”
"Quincy, stop. Stop talking."
“你以为我在乎吗？ 我知道些事 人们需要知道
"Think I give a fuck? I've got shit that people need to know."
我知道一些事
"I know stuff."
这是个惊天内♥幕♥ 史蒂夫·旺德不瞎
"Here's a big one. Stevie Wonder is not blind."
他一直在装
"He been faking it."
一直以来他都是装的
"He been faking it this whole time."
几年前 史蒂夫问我 ‘我怎么和雷·查尔斯竞争？’
"Stevie asked me years ago, 'How can I compete with Ray Charles?'"
我说：‘装盲人装得再像一点’
"I said, 'Be better at being blind.'"
你知道史蒂夫怎么办的？他就这样
"You know what Stevie did? That's what he did."
他看得见钢琴键
"He can see them keys. He can see them keys."
他一直在装”
"He been faking."
“约瑟夫 够了 别再说了 约瑟夫 够了
"Joe, that's enough. No more, Joe. No more."
是我让约瑟夫·杰克逊 揍他的孩子们” “等等 哇！”
"I'm the one who told Joe Jackson to whoop them kids." "Wait. Whoa!"
“他一天也没耽误
"He didn't miss a day. He didn't miss a day."
我还有一个
He… "I've got one more, one more."
我还有一个
"I've got one more."
"I'm…"
是我漂白了 迈克尔·杰克逊的皮肤 是我♥干♥的
"I'm the one who bleached Michael's skin. I did it."
I did it.
他说他想单飞 我说：‘你这样不行’
He said he wanted to go solo. I said, "You ain't gonna make it like that."
漂白 是我♥干♥的！”
"Bleach. I did it!"
那是另一重境界的老年人生 我想达到那重境界
That's a… That's a different level of old age.
I wanna get there.
到那时 你就可以 想说什么说什么了 我快了
Where you just start saying what the fuck you want.
I'm getting close.
有个笑话 我不确定 要不要留着 但还是讲出来吧
You know, this was a…
This was a joke I didn't know if I was gonna keep it or not.
我他妈的讲了吧 那么…
But I'll tell you. I'll… I'll… I'll fucking put it in. So…
还记得 我提到那次家庭聚餐吧？
Remember the dinner that I told you guys about, uh,
我为我侄子安排的 全家人都去了 对吧？
that I had with my family for my nephew, right?
那天晚餐时 我们吃完了饭 服务员进来
So at that dinner, we got done eating. The waiter comes out.
这是真事 服务员进来 他说：“嘿 大家要甜点吗？”
True story. Waiter comes out. He goes, "Hey, you guys want dessert?"
我家人立刻疯了 “妈的 当然 我们要甜点
My family goes ham. "Hell yeah, we want dessert."
给我红薯派 我要柠檬蛋白霜派”
"Give me the sweet potato pie. I want the lemon meringue pie."
“三层巧克力蛋糕 给我红丝绒纸杯蛋糕”
"The triple layer chocolate cake. Ooh, give me the red velvet cupcake."
“噢 拉倒吧 给我苹果派 我想尝尝”
"Oh, fuck that. Give me that apple pie. I'mma taste that."
“对 我要尝尝你的 给我根汁啤酒冰淇淋 多加啤酒”
"I'll taste a bit of yours. Get me the root beer float, extra float."
他说：“哈特先生 你要什么？”
He said, "Mr. Hart, do you want something?"
我说：“不 我不要 我不吃甜的”
I said, "No I'm good. I don't eat sweets."
我叔叔生气了 他说：“瞧瞧这个好莱坞小子
My uncle got mad. He said, "Look at little Hollywood."
瞧瞧这个好莱坞小子
"Look at little Hollywood."
你就那么清高？跟你的家人 一起吃点该死的甜点怎么了？
"Are you too good to eat some goddamn sweets
with your fucking family?"
因为你是完美先生 给我一个理由
"Because you're Mr. Perfect. Give me one reason
为什么他妈的不能 跟你家人一起吃点该死的甜点？
why you can't eat no goddamn sweets with your fucking family."
为什么不能跟你的家人 一起享受点甜点？”
"Why can't you enjoy dessert with your fucking family?"
我说：“我不知道 也许是因为 桌子底下只剩下一堆左脚了
I said, "I don't know.
Maybe because there's only a bunch of left feet under the table."
我就从这里开始说行吗？”
"How about I start there? Huh?"
想想看
Think about it. Think about it.
你听懂了？
You get it? It's a diabetes joke.
这是个关于糖尿病的笑话
It's a… It's a diabetes joke.
在黑人家庭里 人们得了糖尿病的话
So, in Black families, when they get diabetes,
首先会失去的 就是他们的脚
the first thing they lose is their foot.
所以我说 如果你看桌子底下 就会看到只剩下左脚了
So I'm saying if you look under the table, it's only a bunch of left feet
因为每个人的右脚 都切除了 明白了吧？
'cause everybody's got their right foot cut off. You get it?
对吧？
Yeah?
这个笑话的妙处不在于笑话本身
See, the beauty of the joke isn't the joke.
好笑的地方在于找到一个
The joke is actually finding a white person
听了之后一头雾水的白人
that's confused after I say it.
“他们为什么 要他妈的切掉家人的脚啊？”
"The fuck are they cutting off this goddamn family's feet for?"
她大惑不解 “什么？”
She was so confused. "Wait, what? What?"
但我不知道我能不能留着这个笑话
I don't know if I can keep it, though.
我不知道我能不能留着这个笑话 因为我叔叔真的只有一只脚
I don't know if I can keep the joke
because my uncle… my uncle really does have one foot.
真的 我知道 我还会见到他 他会生气的
He does. And I know I'mma have to see him again,
he's gonna have an attitude.
“你真是个搞笑的家伙 是不是 凯文？
"Oh, you're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?"
你真是个搞笑的家伙 是不是 凯文？
"You're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?"
给我一个不应该 过去一脚踢进你屁♥股♥里去的理由！”
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't come over there
and put my goddamn foot in your ass right now!"
他刚刚切除了一只脚 不久前的事
He just got his leg cut off. It just happened.
我看得出来 他还没有完全意识到这个事实
I can tell that he hasn't fully processed it yet
因为他还会 说一些涉及两条腿的话 真的
'cause he still says a lot of two-legged shit. He does.
他会随口说出来
He'd be slipping up.
我作为喜剧演员的天性不允许 我装听不见 我他妈不能装听不见
The comedian in me can't let it slide. I can't fucking let it slide.
那天我们从家里出来 上了车 关上了车门
We were leaving the house the other day, we got in the car, pulled the car doors.
他说：“妈的 真冷 开门 我跑回去取件大衣”
He was like, "Fuck, it's cold out here. Open the door."
"I'mma run and get my coat."
我说…
I said…
“你可以蹦回去取你那该死的大衣
"You can hop in there and get your fucking coat."
你可不能跑了”
"You ain't running nowhere."
现在是个绝好机会 让我确保各位都能理解
It's a great opportunity to make sure that you guys all understand
我通过节目讲了 很多跟我个人有关联的笑话
that I threw a lot of connectivity through the set.
我决定给这场演出 定名为《活到老笑到老》
I decided to title this set Acting My Age
因为我想让大家 关注老年生活重要的一面
'cause I wanted to draw attention back to the fucking important side of old age.
我觉得现在人人都想变年轻
I feel like we're in a time now where everybody's trying to get younger.
人人都想让时间倒流 没人去庆祝人生的另一面
Everybody's trying to turn back the hands of time.
-Nobody's celebrating the other side. -Yeah!
什么叫老年 我来告诉你 老年意味着 走过人生路 意味着阅历、智慧
Old age, let me tell you what it is.
It's the definition of life lived, experience, and wisdom.
没有这些东西 你不可能有人生的成功
Without those things, you don't have the W in life.
那才是人生的成功
That's the W in life.
另外 你也要理解 老年他妈的是福
Also understand old age is a fucking blessing.
它是难以置信的福报 因为你不是一定会走到那一步
It's a… It's an unbelievable blessing 'cause you don't have to get there.
你不一定会走到老年
You don't have to get there.
所以当你到了50岁、60岁 70岁、80岁 要理解那不是注定的
So when you get to 50, 60, 70, 80,
understand, guys, that shit ain't promised.
你是少数人 是幸运儿 是平均数
You're one of the few, the fortunate, and the in-between.
所以 当你活到那些里程碑的年龄时
So stand on a pedestal and celebrate your fucking life correctly
站在人生的高台上 用正确的方式 庆祝你的人生吧 好吧？
when you reach those monumental numbers, okay?
也不要害怕留在你自己的赛道上
And don't be afraid to stay in your lane.
你老了 那就留在 你的老年赛道吧 别变换赛道
When you get old as fuck, stay in your old-ass lane. Don't swerve.
别再换赛道了
Stop swerving.
你会受伤的 我就是这么 伤到我老二的 因为我想换赛道
That's how you get hurt. That's how I broke my dick. Swerving.
Swerving.
我本不应该和那个人赛跑 完全不该
I had no business racing that man. No business.
因为那场该死的赛跑 我的整个 夏天都毁了 糟蹋了我的整个夏天
Messed up my whole summer with that fucking race.
Threw my whole summer in the trash.
我和我家人 本来整个夏天都要去度假的
Me and my family were supposed to take vacations all summer.
因为我受了伤 我们只度了一个假
We only took one vacation because I injured myself.
我们去了卢旺达
We went to Rwanda.
我想带我家人去卢旺达 因为我想要新鲜的体验
Wanted to take the family to Rwanda because I wanted a new experience.
一些我们都能保留住的东西
Something that we could all hold on to.
一些能给我们一点 他妈的文化的体验 对吧？
Something that could give us a little goddamn culture. Right?
理解另一种环境
An understanding of another environment.
我们度假时 “不”这个词 根本不存在 我们拥抱一切
When we go on vacation, the word "no" never exists. We embrace it all.
我们一到卢旺达 当地人就建议 “你们一定要去看大猩猩
As soon as we get to Rwanda, the first thing that's suggested,
they said, "You guys have to go gorilla trekking."
你们必须去看大猩猩”
"You have to go gorilla trekking."
今晚现场观众 有谁不知道看大猩猩是怎么回事
For those of you here tonight who do not what gorilla trekking is,
我会尽力为你解释的
I'll do my best to explain it to you.
基本上 要看大猩猩 你需要走进丛林
Gorilla trekking is when you basically go to the jungle
你会发现一些像是大猩猩脚印的印迹
and you discover what seems to be gorilla footprints,
你循着那些脚印 来到真正的大猩猩的
only to follow those footprints to land you in a natural habitat