凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

女士们先生们
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together
掌声有请凯文·哈特 为我们带来《活到老笑到老》
for Kevin Hart's Acting My Age.
《凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老》
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Wow.
是啊
Yes. Yes.
首先 我要说 我现在的心情真的很好
Now, I wanna start off by saying I'm in a really good mood.
我心情好的原因是 我现在的生活好极了
The reason why is 'cause life is good right now.
老婆很开心 孩子们很开心
Wife is happy. Kids are happy.
我和我的亲戚们的关系也在改善中
My relationship with my extended family is getting better.
Um…
最近 他们让我负责安排家庭聚会
Recently, I've been put in charge of all family gatherings.
有任何事需要一大家子人 聚到一起来 都是我负责操办
Anything that requires the family to get together in bulk, I make it happen.
家庭聚会、庆典、晚宴 都得经过我
Family reunions, functions, dinners… It all goes to me.
我要是告诉你们 这一点都不烦 那也是假话 因为有可能会很烦
I'll be a liar if I told you guys it isn't annoying because it can be.
我侄子来找我 他说
My nephew just came, and he said,
“我有件事要告诉全家人 但必须我亲口说
"Unc, I've got something I wanna tell the family,
你能帮我召集全家人吗？”
but they can only hear it from me. Can you help me get the family together?"
我说：“交给我吧”
I said, "I got you."
我通知全家人 我们都来了 一起去一个餐馆
I call the family. We get together and go to a restaurant.
我在餐馆订了私人包间
I got a private room at the restaurant.
我们走进包间 我侄子站起来
When we walk into the private room, my nephew stands up.
“我把大家召集起来 因为我想告诉你们 我是同性恋”
He says, "I brought y'all here because I want y'all to know I'm gay."
迅雷不及掩耳
It was quick.
干净利落
It was quick.
他甚至没让我们 先坐下吃饭 就是他妈的这么快
He didn't even let us sit down and eat. It was fucking quick.
他这么宣布了之后 谁也没说话 大家都一言不发
And when he said it, nobody said nothing. Everybody was quiet.
我心说：“妈的 谁说句话啊 得有人打破僵局”
I said, "Fuck, somebody's gotta say something.
Somebody's gotta break the ice."
因为我是召集人 所以我必须说点什么
Because I'm now in charge. I gotta be the one to say something.
我说：“侄子 听着
I said, "Nephew, listen."
我想我可以 代表全家人说句话” 对吧？
"I think I can speak for the entire family." Right?
对吧？我们全体成员
Yeah? All of us.
“我要说的是 我们作为一家人…
"When I say that we, as a family…"
Um…
我可以有把握地…你看 听我说
"It's safe to s-- Look, listen."
我想我可以有把握地说 我们…
"I think it's safe to say that we, um…
我们知道”
That… that we know."
没人感到震惊
Like, nobody's shocked.
没人被这个消息震惊
Nobody's shocked by this information.
他说的时候 上身穿件挂颈衫 就那种无肩带露背衫
When he said it, he had on a halter top. Like a little tube top.
It said…
上面写着：“我的屁♥眼♥是棕色的” 上面是这么写的
It said, "My booty hole brown." That's what it said.
是的 当然了 你♥他♥妈♥就是同性恋 好吧？
Yeah, of course you're fucking gay. Hey. All right?
我们才不在乎 我们是一家人 我们爱你
We don't give a shit. We're family. We love you.
我姑妈也想借这个机会宣布个事 我姑妈站起来 她说
My aunt tried to ride that same wave. My aunt stood up.
“是这样 既然我们今天要真心告白 我想告诉你们 我一直在为体重烦恼
She said, "Look, since we're being honest,
I want ya'll to know I've been struggling with my weight."
我觉得我患上了肥胖症”
"I feel like I'm suffering from obesity."
全家人再一次鸦雀无声 没人说话 一片安静
Again, it's quiet. Nobody says nothing. It's quiet.
我心想：“妈的 我又得 来打圆场了 我又得说点什么”
I'm like, "Fuck, I gotta break the ice again."
"I gotta say something again."
我说：“帕特 你那胖屁♥股♥赶快坐下” 这是我说的 真的 我说了
I said, "Pat, sit your fat ass down."
I said that.
And I did. I said that.
“你那胖屁♥股♥赶快坐下 帕特
"Sit your fat ass down, Pat."
你又不是新近才胖 你一直都他妈这么胖”
"That's not new fat, Pat. That's the same fucking fat."
自从我12岁 帕特就这么胖 你那一身肥肉一直都是这样 帕特
Pat's been fat since I was 12. That's the same fucking fat, Pat.
大屁♥股♥ 快坐下吧 那他妈的才不是肥胖症
Sit your big ass down. Ain't no fucking obesity.
把一大家子人维系在一起很难
It's tough keeping the family together.
有很多工作要做 你得有足够的耐心 伙计
A lot of work. A lot of work.
You gotta have a lot of patience, man. Even in your household.
就算在自己家
我是四个孩子的父亲 我的职业生涯中 经常提到我的孩子
I'm a father of four. Talked about my kids throughout my career.
作为明星父亲 我的压力很大
A lot of pressure on me as a celebrity father.
不过我说实话 我觉得我的压力是自己给的
I gotta be honest. I feel like I put the pressure on myself, though.
真的 知道为什么吗？
I do. You know why?
因为我觉得 我的孩子们至少有一个得事业有成吧
Because I feel like… I feel like, at least one of my kids has to make it.
对吧？我没指望 四个孩子都成才 我没有
Right? I'm not expecting to go four for four. I'm not.
I'm not.
我想 凡是有四个或以上孩子的父母
I think any parents in here that have four or more kids…
你都会知道哪个孩子会成才 哪个孩子不会 你知道
You know the kids that are gonna make it and the ones that aren't. Like, you know.
你看得出来 “嘿 看 这小子…
You can tell. "Hey, look, this nigga right here, ey…"
"Get the bail money ready for this one."
为这个孩子准备保释金吧 我不知道”
"Huh, I don't know."
知道我怎么想吗？ 我不想在废物孩子身上下太大功夫
I just… You know what it is, man? I don't wanna pitch a dud.
我不想成为那种名人 费力捧一个 不争气的孩子 很多名人有孩子
I don't wanna be one of those celebrities that pitch the dud.
Lot of these celebrities have kids.
这些孩子长大了 手里空有大把现成资源
These kids grow up and don't do shit with these resources
可是屁也不会
that they have available at their fingertips.
我不希望我的孩子也这样
I don't want that to happen to my kids.
我希望他们好好利用他们面前的机会
I want them to take advantage of the opportunities they have.
我他妈的不想力捧一个废物
I don't wanna pitch a fucking dud.
我可以告诉你们 有些名人捧了废物子女
I can tell you some celebrities that have pitched a dud.
你不像我这样想问题 我是有考虑的
You don't think about it the way I do. I think about it.
我可以告诉你们 我他妈不在乎 我说实话
I can tell you. I don't give a shit. I'll be honest.
我为什么收走你们的手♥机♥ 这就是原因之一 这样我就能说实话
This is one of the reasons why I took your phones.
So I can be fucking honest. Um…
这样我就可以说实话 他妈的怎么想就怎么说
So I can be honest.
Say how I fucking feel.
你们要是告诉别人 我也不承认 我就他妈的不承认
If you tell anybody, I'll deny it. I'll fucking deny it.
我来告诉你们 我认为谁捧了废物子女 我告诉你们
I'mma tell you who I feel pitched a dud. I'mma tell you.
迈克尔·乔丹
Michael Jordan.
迈克尔·乔丹捧了个他妈的废物
Michael Jordan…
…pitched a fucking dud.
我不在乎你们怎么说 迈克尔知道 我知道他心里清楚
I don't care what you say.
Michael knows it. I know he fucking knows it.
你以为迈克尔不恼火吗？
You don't think Michael Jordan gets an attitude
每次看到戴尔·库里在场边 跟史蒂芬和赛斯·库里一起庆祝
every time he sees Dell Curry celebrating on the sideline
你以为他不恼火？
with Steph Curry and Seth Curry?
你们有没有见过戴尔·库里看比赛？
You ever seen Dell Curry watch a game?
戴尔·库里洋洋得意 “看我儿子们在美职篮！”
Dell Curry's like, "Look at my sons in the NBA!"
迈克尔只能看看 沙发另一头坐着的马库斯和杰弗里
Michael's just gotta look down on the other end of the couch
“看看你们两个不成器的蠢材
at Marcus and Jeffrey. "Look at you two ain't-shit niggas."
就知道坐在那里 设计不同颜色的乔丹鞋组合
"Just sitting here coming up with different-color Jordan combinations
他妈的每天玩《堡垒之夜》 看你们这个样子”
and playing Fortnite every fucking day. Look at you."
我也正好趁此机会告诉大家 我和迈克尔·乔丹的关系并不融洽
This is also a good time to tell you all
like, me and Michael Jordan don't really get along.
所以我的很多话 是出于某种奇怪的动机
So a lot of this stuff is… comes from a weird place, man.
迈克尔多年来一直对我有意见
Michael's had an attitude with me for years.
好几年了 迈克尔还生我的气 因为多年前
Years Michael's been pissed at me because I hosted a celebrity event
我为他主持了 一个明星活动 他来晚了
for him years ago, and he came in late.
他来晚了 我想到两个犀利的笑话
He walked in late, and I had two in the chamber.
我也不知道怎么想出来的 但我看见他 就即兴拿他调侃了一下
I don't know where they came from, but I hit him with a quick one.
想都没想 但只是为了搞笑
Pap! It was quick, but it was only fun.
人人都知道迈克尔·乔丹 不懂怎么穿衣服 非常没品味
Everybody knows Michael Jordan's a horrible dresser. Horrible dresser.
迈克尔·乔丹穿过 一些我这辈子见过最丑的牛仔裤
Some of the worst jeans I've ever seen in my life
have been worn by Michael Jordan.
巨大的屁♥股♥兜 真的是巨大的屁♥股♥兜
Huge back pockets. Really big back pockets.
他那屁♥股♥兜里放得下一台戴尔电脑
You could put a Dell computer in his back pocket.
妈的 迈克尔 你屁♥股♥兜里是一台戴尔电脑吗？
Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking Dell computer in your back pocket?
妈的 迈克尔 那是他妈的调制解调器吗？我靠！
Goddamn, Mike. Is that a fucking modem in the other? Goddamn!
他来晚了 我即兴拿他调侃了一下
He came in late. I hit him with one quick.
“迈克尔穿得像个怀孕的女同性恋” 我也不知从哪冒出这么一句
I said, "Michael dresses like a pregnant lesbian."
I don't know where it came from.
因为他的裤子 提得很高 都盖住前胸了
He had his pants up real high, covering his chest.
他这里还有一堆肥肉 耻骨上方脂肪堆积明显
He has that little fat thing, that little fupa thing sticking out.
从那以后 我就没跟他说过话
I haven't talked to him since. I haven't talked to him since then.
好了 我其实根本不在乎
Now, I don't really give a shit.
我真不在乎谁喜欢我 谁不喜欢我
I don't really care who likes me or who doesn't.
我处在一个这样的人生阶段 很不容易被人惹恼
I'm at a point in life where it's very hard to irritate me.
45岁 随着年龄的增长 你就会越来越不在乎
Forty-five years old. The older you get, the less fucks you give.
这是实话
It's a true statement.
It's a true statement.
随着年龄的增长 你会越来越不在乎
The older you get, the less fucks you give.
如果不关乎我的家人 或者我人生的进步
If it's not about my family or forward progression in life,
我就不会为它花时间或倾注精力
it doesn't get any of my time or attention.
我不再是从前的我了 我和我的朋友们 我们都变了
Honestly, I'm not the same man I used to be.
Me and my friends, we've all changed.
天啊 我记得我们以前的样子
God, I remember back in the day how we were.
我们会一天到晚聊同样的事
We used to talk about the same shit every day, all day.
女人在哪儿？ 夜店在哪儿？去哪儿喝酒？
Where the bitches? Where the clubs? Where the drinks?