凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

“没问题 医生 开动起来吧”
"Absolutely, Doc. Let it rip."
他关上了门 我开始听到哔哔声
He closed the door. I start hearing the beeps.
Beep, bop. Boop, boop, boop. Bop, bop, bop.
我崩溃了
I lost it.
我说…我把手按在玻璃上 我说：“他们要提取我的DNA”
I said…
I put my hands on the glass. I said, "They're trying to take my DNA."
我他妈的崩溃了
I fucking lost it.
他们只得给我实施麻醉
They had to put me to sleep.
让我昏睡过去 等我醒过来 我的医生非常诚实地对我说
They put me to sleep. I came to. My doctor was very honest with me.
“凯文 跟你想的一样 你伤得相当严重
He said, "Kevin, it's exactly what you thought it was."
"You messed yourself up pretty bad, Kevin."
你的双侧内收肌撕裂”
He said, "Kevin, you tore up both your adductors."
操！
Fuck!
两侧都撕裂了？
I tore both of them?
眼泪 真的眼泪 立刻夺眶而出
Tears. Real tears, instantly.
我哭了 我他妈的痛不欲生
I'm crying. I'm a fucking mess.
我之所以哭 是因为我根本不知道那是什么
The reason why I was crying is because I had no idea what that was.
之前从没听说过什么“内收肌” 从没听说过 所以我做最坏的打算
I've never heard that before. I never heard it, so I assume the worst.
“你说什么 医生？我没有卵巢？
"What are you saying, Doc? I don't have ovaries?"
你摘除了我的卵巢？你这混♥蛋♥！
"Did you take my ovaries, you son of a bitch?"
你是不是夺走了我的卵巢？”
"Did you take my ovaries from me?"
那天超级郁闷
It was a sad day.
那天我坐了轮椅
I got a wheelchair that day.
各位 我坐了六周轮椅
I was in a wheelchair for six weeks, people.
他们给我一个医院的轮椅 那可能是钱能买♥♥到的最坏的轮椅
They gave me the hospital wheelchair, which is possibly the worst wheelchair
that money can buy.
是那种折叠式的 你♥他♥妈♥的还得折叠
It's the one that you gotta fold. You gotta fucking fold it.
但你必须力大无比 你♥他♥妈♥的必须…
But you gotta be strong as shit. You gotta fucking really…
要把它弄平 唯一的办法就是给座椅来一拳
The only way you get it flat, you gotta punch the seat. Bam!
刹车在轮子后面 你得使出吃奶的劲猛踩才行
The brakes are behind the wheels.
You gotta step on the brakes real fucking hard.
自从我坐过轮椅之后 我对坐轮椅的人更加肃然起敬了
I have so much more respect for people in a wheelchair
after being in a wheelchair.
注意 我是说“更加” 我一向尊重坐轮椅的人
Notice I said "more." I've always had respect for people in wheelchairs.
现在我更加尊重了
I just have more respect now.
你们知道是怎么回事？ 关键就在推轮椅的人身上
You know what it is? It's all about the wheelchair handler.
给你推轮椅的人要是不好 你在轮椅上的人生就会很悲惨
You get a bad wheelchair handler, life in a wheelchair can be shit.
你需要一个好的护工 帮我推轮椅的人糟糕透了 糟透了
You need a good wheelchair handler.
My handler was horrible. Horrible.
第一个帮我推的人 糟透了
My first handler? Horrible.
第一个帮我推轮椅的人是我老婆 那个贱♥人♥啊 我只能这么说
My first handler was my wife. What a bitch to get. I'm just saying.
事实就是这样 我实话实说
It is what it is. I'm being honest.
我坐轮椅的第一天 我回到家 她推我到一扇窗户前
Day one in a wheelchair, I get home. She rolled me in front of a window.
把后刹车刹住了 说：“我马上回来”
Locked the back brakes. Said, "I'll be back."
她把我扔在 那扇该死的窗户前面七个小时
Seven hours she left me in front of that fucking window.
七个小时！你们上次看着窗外 一看就七个小时是什么时候？
Seven hours!
I don't know the last time you looked out a window for seven hours,
但那天 我可看够了
but I saw everything that day.
就像《战栗游戏》里面的“黑人”特集 我他妈完全不知道怎么回事
It was like a Black episode of Misery. I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
又拉又尿 没人给我换衣服 这他妈是怎么了？
Pissing and shitting on myself. Nobody changed me.
"What the fuck is this?"
坐轮椅的生活太艰难了 我不想用我老婆了
Life in a wheelchair was tough, man. I didn't want my wife anymore.
我说：“现在我要我儿子来
I said, "You know what? I want my son now."
我要用我儿子 我儿子推轮椅会更好”
"I wanna use my son. My son's gonna be a better handler."
我儿子并没好到哪里 他太贪玩
My son was no better.
He played too much.
他会用力地从后面推一把 把轮椅推好远
My son would do shit like
push the wheelchair out in front of him real far.
然后他在后面跑 跳到轮椅靠背上 害得我往后仰
Then he'd run, jump on the back, make my shit pop up.
没有比让别人推你的轮椅 还大撒把更可怕的了
There's no greater fear than the fear of somebody pushing you on a wheelchair
而且你眼前就是来往的车流 “嘿！”
and letting you go, and you see traffic.
"Hey! Hey!"
"Hey!"
我这才明白坐轮椅的人为什么戴手套 我从来不知道他们为什么戴手套
That's how I found out why they wore gloves.
I never knew why people in a wheelchair wore gloves.
我还以为他们有脾气 有洁癖呢
I thought it was because they had attitude and were sick of people's shit.
那天我看到来往的车辆 我慌了
That day I saw traffic, I panicked.
我想徒手停住轮椅
I tried to stop the wheels with my bare hands.
我的手心都烧穿了 他妈的手心都烧穿了 那时候
I burnt a hole in my palm.
I burnt a fucking hole in my palm.
马路对面也有个坐轮椅的人 看我那样 他看着我
When it happened, there was another man in a wheelchair across the street.
对我说：“你最好戴手套”
He looked at me.
He said, "You'd better get you some gloves, little man."
我回家告诉我老婆：“我得戴手套
I went home and told my wife, "I gotta get some gloves."
看看我的手 我的手心都烧穿了 我需要手套”
"Look what I did to my palm. I burnt a hole. I gotta get some gloves."
她说：“我没有分指手套 楼上有连指手套 你可以戴”
She said, "I got no gloves."
"I've got some mittens upstairs. You use those."
我戴上了连指手套 当天晚上 我们出门
I get the mittens.
We go outside later that night. I was rolling.
我又看见那个叫我戴手套的人
I see the same man in the wheelchair that told me to get the gloves.
我想向他表示友好 “谢谢你对我的关心
I try to show him love. I said, "I appreciate you looking out for me."
你教我保护双手
"Telling me to protect my hands like this
真是感激不尽 我们就是这样彼此守望”
means the world that we're fucking sticking together like this, man."
貌似这在轮椅人群中间 是个不礼貌的手势
Apparently, this is disrespectful in the wheelchair community.
这传达了某种意义 他生气了 他说 “在这里 你休想拿大拇指插人屁♥眼♥”
This means something.
He got mad. He said, "You ain't gonna put your thumb in nobody's ass over here."
我说：“你♥他♥妈♥说什么呀？
I said, "What… the fuck are you talking about?"
没人想拿拇指插♥你♥屁♥眼♥啊
"Ain't nobody trying to put their thumb in your ass."
我是说谢谢你的关爱 我是说谢谢你”
"I'm saying thank you for the love. I'm saying thank you."
他说：“你以为这是游戏吗 贱♥人♥？” 他朝我冲了过来
He said, "You think it's a game, bitch?" He charged me.
那是我的第一场轮椅大战 我从没卷入过轮椅大战
It's my first wheelchair fight. I'd never been in a wheelchair fight.
所以我不知道该他♥娘♥的♥怎么办 我动不了 我儿子把我的轮子刹住了
I didn't know what to do, I couldn't move, 'cause my son had my back brakes locked.
我只好为碰撞做好准备 我就…我们四目相对
So I had to… I had to brace for impact. I was… We were…
We were looking at each other in the eye.
他妈的把我 从轮椅上撞飞了 我的天！
Fucking knocked me out the chair. Oh my God!
我站起来 我气坏了 “你♥他♥妈♥的干吗狠命撞我？”
I got up. I'm pissed. "Why the fuck you ram me like that?"
人们在围观 有人喊：“他假装的 他的腿能动”
People were watching. Somebody yelled out,
"He's faking. He can move his legs."
我说：“我没有假装
I said, "I'm not faking. I'm not faking."
我被内收了 我没有卵巢 他们摘了我的卵巢
"I got abducted. I don't have ovaries. They took my ovaries."
你不知道没有卵巢是什么滋味
"You don't know what it's like to not have ovaries."
我没有卵巢了”
"I don't have any ovaries."
你们在笑 但这就是我的人生 这…
You guys are laughing, but this is my life.
This is…
六个半礼拜后 我又可以走路了 走路
I started walking again in six and a half weeks. Walking.
如果我们可以诚实一点 今晚非常透明 我当时就有个想法
Because we're being honest, very transparent tonight, I had a thought.
我走着 我意识到 过去六周
When I was walking, I realized that over the last six weeks
我的老二一次也没硬起来过 这是真事 “我的天呐
my dick didn't get hard one time.
This is a true story. "Oh my God."
如果这就是 我今后的人生怎么办？天呐
"What if this is life now? Oh my God."
如果这成了我的新日常 怎么办？
"What if this is now my new norm?"
如果我老婆想干 但我♥干♥不动 因为 我的老二不管用了 怎么办？天呐”
"What if my wife wanna fuck, and I can't 'cause my dick don't work? Oh my God."
Here's the thing about me.
我这人是这样的 我没有焦虑感 但当我焦虑时 我是真的焦虑
I don't have anxiety, but when I get it, I got it.
我觉得我焦虑了 对吧？ 于是我开始越想越不妙
I felt like I had it. Right? So I started to spiral a little bit.
我他妈的越想越害怕
I'm fucking spiraling.
我出去 买♥♥了治老二的药
I went out. I got a dick pill.
真事 我对于服用老二药丸这种事 一点也不难为情
True story. There's no shame in my game
about admitting that I took a dick pill before.
我觉得每个男人在人生的 某个阶段都应该吃老二药丸
I feel like every man should take a dick pill
at some point in time in his life.
然后用老二药丸加持的老二 捅他们的女人 我真的觉得应该这样
And hit their lady with a piece of dick-pill dick. I really feel that way.
我不认为你应该告诉她 你服用老二药丸别告诉她
I don't think you should tell her. Don't tell her when you take a dick pill.
我老婆就不知道我吃了老二药丸
My wife has no idea that I took a dick pill.
我是说 等她看了今天的节目 她就会知道 但目前为止 她还不知道
She will once she sees the set, of course. But as of right now, she doesn't know.
关键全在于理解规则 理解老二药丸后面的背景信息
It's all about understanding the rules,
all about understanding the context behind the dick pill.
你选对了老二药丸的话 一粒老二药丸能给你三天性福
You get the right dick pill,
you can get three good days out of a dick pill.
第一条原则是 不要对表面繁荣信以为真
Rule number one is that you can't believe the hype.
各位 一定要明白这一点 别相信表面繁荣 那不是你
Make sure you understand that, fellas. Don't believe the hype.
That's not you. That's the dick pill. Do you understand that?
那是老二药丸 明白吗？那不是你
It's not you.
那是老二药丸
It's the dick pill.
别把你正常的老二跟 你的老二药丸加持过的老二混为一谈
Don't try to merge your regular dick after your dick-pill dick.
那是两种完全不同版本的老二 你的感情会受到伤害的
Those are two different versions of dick.
You're gonna get your feelings hurt. She's gonna fuck with your self-esteem.
她会毁了你的自尊心 你得知道如何分配接下来的几天
You gotta know how to break the days down.
服用老二药丸的第一天 一定要定下基调 打下基础
Day one on the dick pill is all about setting the tone,
setting the foundation.
你知道你吃了什么 她不知道
You know what's in your system. She don't.
你得能煽惑
You gotta talk shit.
“你再在这里 跺着你那该死的脚走来走去
"You keep walking around here stomping your goddamn feet,
你可就要如愿以偿了
you're gonna get what you're asking for."
因为你一定忘了 我他妈是谁了 忘了我有啥本事了
"'Cause you must've forgotten who the fuck I am
and what I'm capable of."