凯文·哈特：活到老笑到老（2025）

不是你冲过终点线 然后领奖的那种赛跑 不是
Not where you run through a ribbon
and you get an award at the end of the race. No.
凌晨两点 两个喝醉了的黑鬼在大街上跑
Two drunk niggas in the middle of the street, 2 a.m.
我无缘无故 和一个前全国橄榄球联盟的跑卫赛跑
I raced an ex-NFL running back for no reason.
是即兴赛跑
It was an impromptu run.
我们在露天烧烤 我听见他在吧台那边跟人聊天
We was at a cookout.
Overheard him talking at the bar. He was talking about football.
他在聊橄榄球 “伙计 我发誓 我很怀念橄榄球
He was like, "Man, I swear. I miss the game of football."
没有橄榄球 生活都变味了 对天发誓 为了重返球场 我愿意做任何事
"Life ain't the same without football. I'd do anything to get back on the field."
不再打球之后 我觉得我 迷失了一部分自我 我怀念这项运动”
"I feel like I lost a piece of myself when I stopped playing. I miss the game."
无缘无故地 我说
For no reason, I said,
“贱♥人♥ 我现在跟你赛跑 我能甩你二里地”
"Bitch, I'll smoke your ass in a footrace right now."
他说：“什么？ 凯文 你不开玩笑？你想赛跑？”
He said, "What? Kevin, are you serious? You wanna race?"
我说：“对 我想赛跑 贱♥人♥ 来吧”
I said, "Yeah, I wanna race, bitch. Let's go."
他说：“如果你想赛跑 我们可以赛跑”
He said, "Kevin, if you wanna race, we can race."
有很多迹象都被我忽略了
There were so many signs that I ignored…
有很多迹象在警告我 “凯文 别跟他赛跑”
…that said, "Kevin, don't go through with this race."
被我无视的第一个迹象 就是他拉伸的方式
The first sign I ignored
was how he was stretching versus how I was stretching.
跟我的拉伸方式有多么不同
他做了那么多种拉伸 包括髋关节深度拉伸
He had so many stretches.
He was doing like some deep fucking hip bends like this.
活动腹股沟那种乱七八糟的 他还活动膝关节
He had some like groin shit he was doing. He was doing knees.
我叫它舀冰淇淋 我他妈的也不知道那叫什么
I call 'em ice cream scoops. I don't even know what the fuck these are.
他还做后踢腿 他做了大概五分钟的拉伸
He was doing some butt kicks. He had like five minutes of stretches.
我走上前 抖了两下腿 “来吧
I went up that bitch, shook my legs twice. Pow! Pow! "Let's go."
开始吧！”
"Let's go!"
40岁之后 最可怕的就是跟你同岁的朋友
The worst thing that you can have after 40 are friends the same age.
40岁及以上的朋友是最可怕的
Friends 40 and above are horrible
因为不管你做出什么愚蠢的决定
because no matter what dumbass decision you decide to make,
他们都会支持你 义无反顾地跟你携手同行
they're gonna support you and ride with you regardless.
当我抖两下腿的时候 我就… 而我的朋友都说：“加油！
When I shook my legs twice, I said, "Pow! Pow!" My friends were like, "Yeah!"
干掉他 凯文！”
"Get him, Kev!"
我马上就要甩他二里地
About to smoke his ass.
我从一开始就告诉他
I told him out the gate… I said,
“你是职业运动员 所以我知道你有技巧
"Look, man, you're a professional athlete, so I know you've got technique."
因为你有技巧 你可能认为你有优势 但你没有
"Because of your technique, you feel like you've got advantage,
but you don't."
因为我有纯天赋 我的跑步能力是天生的
"Because of my raw talent and my natural ability to run,
我会跑赢你小子”
I will catch your ass."
Here's my secret when I run.
我跑步的秘诀是这样
我的秘诀是 五指并拢 就这样
My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this.
然后我…等一下
And I… Wait a minute.
我的秘诀是 五指并拢 就这样
My… My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this,
然后做劈风运动 就这样
and I chop through the wind like thi--
我就当空气是一块蛋糕 一边跑 一边切！
I treat the wind like a piece of cake. When I fucking run, I chop!
我他妈跑步时 每人都会分一块蛋糕
Everybody gets a piece of cake when I fucking run.
其他人跑步时 五指都是分开的 看 风从指间吹过
Everybody else running with their fingers open.
看 风都漏过去了
You're getting all that wind. Look at that. All that fucking wind.
All that wind.
我不是 看
Not me. Not me. Look at that. Look at that.
我们派一个小伙子去街区的那头 他得伸开手臂 就这样
We sent the little boy down the end of the block.
Little boy had to hold his arms up, like this.
他的手臂落下 就意味着比赛开始
When the boy dropped his arms down, it meant it was time to fucking race.
我们站在起跑线上 我想 他有技巧 我知道他有技巧
We on the starting line. Like I thought, he had technique. I knew he had technique.
他一只手撑地 就这样 另一只手高高抬起 就这样 头就这样
He had one hand down like this. He had this arm up like this.
He had his head like that.
我的起跑姿势 我愿意称之为黑鬼街头起跑
I had what I refer to as the street nigga start.
你不…你就是想稍微抢先一步
It's when you don't… You…
You're just trying to get a little jump on him. That's all.
就这样
我的天啊 那小子站在街区另一头
Oh my God. Little boy's on the other end of the block.
“各就各位 预备…” 他的手臂放下 开跑
"On your mark, set…"
He dropped his hands. Bow. It's time to go.
他抢先跑出去了
He got out the gates on me.
我跑步时 一开始我的头是低着的
Now, when I run, I start off with my head down.
一开始 我低着头 最终我抬起头
I start off with my head down, and then I eventually pick my head up.
每次我抬起头 我们不是并排跑
Every time I pick my head up,
we're either side-by-side or I'm in front of you by a bit.
就是我比你领先一头 从无例外
It's never failed.
我和人赛跑 还从来没有过既不是并排跑
I've never had a race where we haven't been side-by-side
也不是领先你一头
or I've been in front of you by a little bit.
但那天是第一次 我一抬头 看见他的后脑勺 我的天呐
For the first time ever, I pick my head up,
I saw the back of his head. Oh my God.
我他妈的要输 我的天呐
I'm fucking losing. Oh my God.
感觉不对劲 一定是什么地方出毛病了
Something's off. Something's gotta be wrong.
我他妈的不可能输啊 一定是什么地方不对
There's no way I'm fucking losing. Something's wrong.
我看我的手指 我的手指有点张开 没有完全并拢
I look at my fingers. I didn't have my fingers closed up all the way.
我得完全并拢
Had to close 'em up.
年纪越大 你跑步时发出的声音就越大
The older you get, the more noise you make when you run.
我的朋友们在路边呐喊助威 “加油 凯文！快跑！
My friends, they're yelling from the side, "Come on, Kev! Get it up!"
腿抬起来 凯文 你没落后多少 大步跑起来 你没落后多少”
"Get your knees up, Kev. It's thin. Heel to toe. It's thin."
“妈的 我在尽力！”
"Fuck, I'm trying!"
我追不上 距离终点还有八步 我心想
I can't catch him. Eight steps left in the race, guys. I'm talking to myself,
“加油 凯文 腿抬起来 妈的 伙计 反败为胜 加油！”
"Come on, Kev. Put your knees up. Fuck, man. Turn it over, Kev."
"Come on!"
倒数第二步时 我感觉到了 就这样
Second to last step, I felt it. Just like that.
我他妈的感觉到了
I fucking felt it.
你们知道那是什么感觉吗？
You know what it felt like?
感觉就像我的老二 从身上掉下来 掉进灌木丛里了
It felt like my dick flew off my body and went in the bush. It…
感觉就像我的老二 从身上掉下来 掉进灌木丛里了
It felt like my dick left my body and went in the bush.
我立刻不跑了
I stopped running immediately. Ah!
Ah!
我做出那种人们受伤后会有的糗表情
I made that dumbass face people make when they get hurt
然后你会和人眼神交流
and they make eye contact with somebody.
我的教练立刻会意 “凯文 你没事吧？”
My trainer knew right away. My trainer said, "Kev, you good?"
“绝对有事 我完蛋了 伙计”
"Absolutely not. I'm fucked up, man."
你受伤之后会找谁 就能说明你的伤势轻重
You can tell how hurt you are by who you ask for after the injury.
我的朋友都在那里站着
All my friends are standing right there.
我说：“去叫我老婆 立刻 你们谁去叫我老婆”
I said, "Go get my wife. Right now. One of y'all go get my wife."
当你要叫老婆来的时候 就意味着你想安排后事了
When you ask for your wife, you wanna get your life affairs in order.
你想签署一些文件 家族信托基金、遗嘱 管他♥娘♥的♥什么
You wanna sign paperwork. The family trust, the will…
I don't give a fuck what it is.
我的老二掉进灌木丛里了 我不想活了
My dick's in a bush. I don't wanna live anymore.
没有老二 我也不活了 我的老二在灌木丛里
I'm not living without a dick. My dick is in the bush.
他们去叫我老婆了 我老婆气呼呼地来了 带着情绪来的
They went to go get my wife. My wife came out hot. Had an attitude.
头左右摆动
Head bobbing side to side.
她一看见我就说 “你♥他♥妈♥的又干什么蠢事了？”
As soon as she saw me, she said,
"What the fuck your stupid ass done did now?"
“我需要你帮我个忙 去那边 灌木丛里找找 看我的老二在不在”
"I need you to do me a favor."
"Go look in that bush and see if you see my dick."
“什么？”
"What?"
“去那边灌木丛里找找 看我的老二在不在！”
"Go look in the bush and see if you see my dick!"
“你老二不在灌木丛里” “我老二就在灌木丛里！”
"Your dick ain't in no bush." "My dick is in the bush!"
因为我个子小 她一把抓住了我
Because I'm small, she grabbed me right away.
“过来！你老二就在这里 我摸到了”
"Come here! Come here! That's your dick right there."
"I feel your dick right there."
“不可能 那里只有蛋蛋 你摸到的只是蛋蛋
"Impossible. That's all balls. What you just felt is all balls."
我的老二在灌木丛里 我不跟你辩论我的老二在哪儿
"My dick is in the bush."
"I'm not arguing with you about where my dick is."
我现在就叫医生” 我给我的医生 打电♥话♥：“医生 大事不妙
"I'm calling a doctor right now."
I called my doctor. "Doc, this is bad."
我走不了路 医生 我的老二有可能掉进灌木丛了
"I can't walk, Doc. There's a chance that my dick is in the bush."
我拍了灌木丛的照片 说不定我们得回来寻找
"I took a picture of the bush, in case we gotta come back to get it."
因为我老婆不帮我找
"My wife won't help me look for it."
我这就去医院 医生 但我从后门进去”
I'm coming to the hospital, Doc, but I'm coming through the back.
我不想让任何人看到我这样 “抬担架过来 我走不了路”
I don't want nobody to see me like this. "Get a gurney, a stretcher. I can't walk."
他说：“凯文 有我呢” 这是真事 各位
He said, "Kevin, I got you." True story, people.
我朋友们把我缠起来 扶我坐到副驾驶座上
My friends pick me up, put me in the passenger seat.
我们开车来到医院 这是我最可怕的噩梦
We pull up at the hospital. My worst nightmare.
就像是那种 非常难看的医院剧里的一集
It's like an episode of one of those really bad hospital TV shows.
他们他妈的出来了 把我放到担架上 开始推着我穿过医院
They show up, they got the gurney, they put me on the gurney,
start rushing me through the hospital.
他们从下面把我的裤子剪开
They're cutting my pants from the bottom,
说着那些奇怪的医院术语 根本听不懂
saying those weird hospital sentences that don't make sense.
“给我三份TCE配八份SUV”
"Give me three TCEs with eight SUVs."
我不知道他们他♥娘♥的♥在说什么 不知道他们说什么
I don't know what the fuck they're saying. I don't know what they're saying.
有人♥大♥喊：“我们得给他 做核磁共振 看看什么情况”
Somebody yells out, "We gotta give him an MRI."
"Give him an MRI so we can see what's going on."
我也不知核磁共振仪器 是什么地方不对 反正我就是受不了
I don't know what it is about the MRI machine, but I can't take it.
但我从不承认 我总是说谎
But I'm never honest about it. I lie every time.
当他们让我躺进了核磁共振仪 我的医生说：“凯文 准备好了吗？”
They put me in the MRI machine. My doctor came out. "Kev, you good to go?"