扯淡生命史（2024）

你这种理解太流于字面意思了
I think you're taking it too literally.
我们说面对电椅处决意思是
What we mean by facing the electric chair is
面对无可避免的死亡
is facing an inevitable death.
这是韦伦·杰卡洛浦四世
This is Waylon Jackalope IV.
在2019年 他活剥了六个人
In 2019, he skinned six people alive
获得的奖励是 拥有了自己的Netflix纪录片
and was rewarded with his own Netflix documentary
并受邀进入死囚牢房♥
and a guest spot on death row.
我很荣幸地宣布 他今天来到了我们节目
And I'm delighted to say he's joining us right now.
韦伦 你谋杀了六个人
So, Waylon. You murdered six people.
你是如何产生的这个想？
Where'd you get your ideas from?
我很不想去谈这件事
It's kinda tough for me to dwell on.
我只能说
All I can say is, um,
伤害那些人的韦伦·杰卡洛浦
the Waylon Jackalope that killed those folks was a...
跟你如今看到的不是同一个人
a different man to the one you see today.
所以不是你干？你没有？
So, it wasn't you? You're innocent?
不是的 女士 人是我杀的
No, ma'am. I killed them.
万幸
Oh, thank God for that.
你以前进过死囚监狱？这是第一次？
So, um, have you been on death row before, or is this your first time?
是第一次
First time.
你将会面对电椅处决
You're facing the electric chair.
对即将发生的事情 你不会担心？
Aren't you worried about what's gonna happen?
我已经坦然面对主了
I've made my peace with the Lord,
准备好见他了
and I'm ready to meet him.
那你不会担心疼？有几百万伏特呢
Yeah, but aren't you scared it'll hurt? It's millions of volts.
我朋友保罗说 肝会烧焦 肾会爆掉
My mate Paul says your liver fries and your kidneys pop
肠子会回流
and your bowels go into reverse flow
屎从喉咙喷射出来 让你窒息
and shoot boiling shit up into your throat which chokes you.
显然 给你的狱友钱
Apparently, it'd be genuinely more humane
让他们压住你 把你的头扯下来 这样更人性化
to pay some of the other inmates to hold you down and pull your head off.
总之
Anyway, um,
祝你好运
best of luck.
在你上路之前 可以帮我们 做一个宣传 在那个手♥机♥上
Actually, before you go, could you just do a quick promo thing for us
录个视频？
into that phone?
你可以说 “在《扯淡生命史》看我死”？
Could you say, "Watch me die on Cunk on Life"?
要发在抖音上的 很短
It's for TikTok. It's only short.
来《扯淡人生史》看我死
Watch me die on Cunk for Life.
生命
On Life, on Life.
来《扯淡生命史》看我死
Watch me die on Cunk on Life.
好了 也不难 是？
There you go. Wasn't hard, was it?
电椅为什么每次只能处决一个？
Why does the electric chair only do one person at a time?
不能弄一个电长椅 一次处决七个人？
Could you have an electric bench that does about seven in one go?
或许可以 但不应该这样做
You probably could. You definitely shouldn't.
那样会更快 可以按批次处决
Would be quicker though, and you could do them in batches.
会更快 但我们必须承认 死刑是
It would be quicker, but we'd have to accept the death penalty was a...
明智、有用的一种做法 我不接受那样...
a sensible and useful thing to do, and I don't accept that so--
用电处决人很不环保 是？
Electrocuting people isn't very eco-friendly, is it?
不能把犯人蒸死？
Could we steam them to death instead?
肯定还有其他执行死刑的方式
Uh, I'm sure there are other ways of administering the death penalty
更环保的方式
that might be more eco-friendly.
我觉得最好还是干脆不要执行死刑
I think the preference would be to not do it at all.
在一个公平、道德的社会中
In a just and moral society,
杀害一个无辜的人
is it better to kill one innocent person
比拯救一个无辜的人更好？
than to save one innocent person?
我觉得杀害一个无辜的人 绝对不可能更好
It's never going to be better to kill an innocent person, I don't think.
在一个无神的宇宙中 在思想沉重、充满绝望的生命
Contemplating weighty, big-bummed life and death dilemmas
与死亡间抉择 给了虚无主义和存在主义机会
in a godless universe opens the door to nihilism and existentialism,
这是哲学中两个最绕口的概念
two of the hardest-to-spell concepts in philosophy.
虚无主义认为 绝对没有任何东西是重要的
So nihilism is the view that nothing, absolutely nothing, matters.
大家为什么不在交友软件资料上 提到自己是虚无主义？
Why don't people mention they're nihilists on their dating profiles?
我去和一个男人约会
Like, I went on a date with a bloke,
刚进行20分钟 他说自己是虚无主义
and 20 minutes in, he said he was a nihilist
因为人类的存在是徒劳的
and that because human existence is futile,
继续约会下去没有意义 他就走了
there was no point continuing with the date, and he left.
我只能买♥♥单
And I had to pay.
他是虚无主义 还是个混？
Was he a nihilist or just a prick?
我觉得两个都是
Probably both.
对 我也觉得是
Yeah. As I suspected.
虚无主义认为生命是没有意义的
Nihilism is the belief that life is meaningless
除了更多的虚无主义 没有什么值得相信
and nothing is worth believing in except more nihilism.
存在主义基本是一样的 但是换了个词汇
Existentialism is the same as that but using longer words.
历史上最著名的存在主义者是？
Who's the most famous existentialist in history?
可能是让-保罗·萨特
Probably Jean-Paul Sartre.
好吧 我觉得是外星人
Right. See, I'd have said it was E.T.
这是第一位相信存在主义的名人
This is the first celebrity existentialist,
巴黎作家 让-保罗·萨特和披头士乐队的林戈
Parisian writer Jean-Paul-Sartre-and-Ringo.
萨特看待事物跟其他人不同
Sartre saw things differently to everybody else,
一部分是因为他质疑的心态
partly because of his questioning mindset,
但主要是因为那双眼睛
but mainly because of those eyes.
我说真的 他那双眼睛 说不定能看到自己的耳朵
I mean, seriously, he could probably see the back of his own ears with them
或者能同时写两本书
or write two books at once.
所以他作为作家 才那么高产
That's why he was such a prolific author,
写了一本又一本书 阐述他的存在主义理论
writing book upon book, outlining his existentialist theories
这是与此无关的 比利时电音赞歌♥《唱响音乐》
decades before the release of unrelated Belgian techno anthem,
发表的几十年前
"Pump Up The Jam,"
你们刚才听过这首歌♥了
which you heard earlier.
有人告诉我 猫是按照存在主义生活的
Someone told me that cats are a good example
一个很好的例子
of something that lives like an existentialist.
(牛津大学)
如果真的有存在主义者的美好生活
A good life for an existentialist, if there is such a thing,
那就是要创造自己的目标和价值观
is a matter of creating your own goals and values
并真诚遵守
and sincerely following them.
比如 我的猫 会根据环境做出不同反应
For example, my cat reacts to his environment
不会受到其他人的行为影响
rather than just being dragged around by others.
你怎么知道猫没有思考过 自己的存在问？
How do you know cats aren't thinking about their existence?
猫说不定真的很焦虑
They might be really anxious,
当它们“喵”的时候 是在表达自己的痛苦
and when they say "meow," they're expressing their own pain
“喵” 好痛
Iike "me, ow."
猫是有痛苦的
Well, cats have pain.
猫并没有表现出
They don't behave in a way
展现一定程度自我意识的行为
that seems to suggest a level of self-consciousness.
猫会舔自己的屁♥眼♥ 对？
Cats lick their own bum holes, don't they?
所有存在主义者的身体 都足够软 能做到那样？
Are all existentialists supple enough to do that?
不能
Uh, no.
被存在主义的焦虑所淹没 是做人要经历的一部分
Being overwhelmed with existential angst is part of being human.
(第七章 艺术)
历史上一些最伟大的艺术家曾尝试过
Some of the greatest artists in history have tried
表达人类处境的痛苦
to express the agony of the human condition.
一些画这么烂的艺术家也表达过
And so have ones who could only paint as badly as this.
这是爱德华·蒙克的《呐喊》
This is Edvard Munch's The Scream,
第一个重要的存在主义声明 后来变成了表情符号♥
the first major existentialist statement to later become an emoji.
是什么给了爱德华·蒙克灵感 画出这幅画？
What inspired Eddie Munch to paint this?
是他跟朋友一起散步的经历
It was an experience he'd had walking with his friends.
但我也去过桥上 我并没有画出这种作品
But I've been on bridges, and you don't find me painting about it.
我们为什么听不到这个人呐？他是静音了？
How come we can't hear him? Is he on mute?
不是 大声呐喊的是自然
No, it's nature that is screaming loudly,
我们都能听到自然大声呐喊
and we all could hear nature screaming loudly.
所以这是少见的那种无声画？
So, is this one of the few examples of a silent painting?
所有画作都是无声的
All paintings are silent.
如果爱德华·蒙克 早就知道我们没办法听到
If Edvard Munch knew we wouldn't be able to hear it,
他为什么不等这家伙 把嘴巴闭上再画？
why didn't he wait till this bloke's mouth was closed before painting him?
看着让人心烦
It's just annoying.
我还注意到 他一点都没动 为什么？
I've noticed he's not moving either. Why is that?
因为他发现了 深层的情绪 定在了原地
Because he's rooted to the spot by the deep emotion he finds.
所以这是一幅画的定格画？
So it's a freeze-frame of a painting?
这是一种情绪的定格
It's a freeze-frame of a mood.
德鲁·巴里摩尔 在这幅画一开始就死了 对？
Drew Barrymore dies at the start of this painting, doesn't she?
你知道这家美术馆 有没有收藏《呐喊2》？
Do you know if they've got Scream 2 in this gallery as well?
《呐喊2》? - 对
Scream 2? - Yeah.
我不知道还有《呐喊2》
I'm afraid I don't know Scream 2.
这是根据那个电影画的 对？
But this was based on the film, wasn't it?
我觉得他应该没看过那个电影
I don't think he'd seen the film.