扯淡生命史（2024）

那都是精神理念 是？
Those were spiritual messages, weren't they?
保罗说他只是 过了一个《美好圣诞节》的时候
So when Paul said he was simply having a wonderful Christmastime,
有更深层次的意义？
was there a deeper meaning there?
我不知道是否有更深层次的信息
I don't know if there was a deeper message there.
保罗是之后才度过了一个美好圣诞节
That was a bit later that Paul was having a wonderful Christmastime.
对 我前任肖恩有一次在亲密的时候 给我唱了那首歌♥
Yeah. My ex Sean sang that to me in bed once during an intimate moment.
我当时就干了 像猫舌头一样干
Honestly, I went as dry as a cat's tongue.
摇滚明星也推广了冥想
Rock stars also popularized meditation
把冥想当做一种清理思想中 现代生活所带来压力的方式
as a way to clear the stresses of modern life from the mind.
一定要坐下才能冥想？
Do you have to sit down to meditate,
还是我可以同时做别的事情
or could I do it at the same time as something else,
比如开车或者操纵重型机？
like driving or operating heavy machinery?
有些人确实...
Some people do...
比如佛教信徒会走路冥想
So, Buddhists, for example, do walking meditation,
所以不用非要坐下来
so you don't have to sit down.
冥想可以帮助我们的灵魂放松？
Does meditation help our souls relax?
可以
Yes.
冥想真能帮助我们的灵魂放松？
Meditation does help our souls relax?
能 - 好
Yes. - Yeah.
让我们一起花点时间调整一下自己 适应我们当前的现实
Let's take a moment to realign ourselves with our present reality together.
我们现在要跟随引导进行冥想
We're going to do a guided meditation now,
你们在家中可以跟我一起
so feel free to join in at home.
闭上眼睛
Close your eyes.
呼吸放慢
Slow your breathing.
吸气
Now, breathe in.
抱歉 呼气
Sorry, breathe out.
注意力放在肚子的起伏上
Become aware of the rise and fall of your belly.
感受皮肤上衣服的纤维
Feel the fabric of your clothes on your skin.
为什么是那种材？
Why is it that particular material?
是血汗工厂里的童工缝在一起的？
Was it sewn together by a child in a sweatshop?
这个时候还是别想那个了
Probably best not to think about that, actually.
听着我的声音
Listen to my voice.
他们为什么要加一个回音特？
Why have they put a sort of echo effect on it?
我觉得是想等播放这段视频的时候
I think it's so that when they show this footage,
让这些听起来像是我的想法 在我的思想中回荡
it sounds like these are my thoughts echoing in my mind.
但这是我们几周前拍摄的
But we filmed that weeks ago.
等一下 我现在在哪？
Hang on. Where am I now?
等一下 我醒过来 站起来了 不应该发生这种情况
Hang on. That's me waking up and standing. That's not meant to happen.
救命!我还在这里!
Help! I'm still here!
天啊 我和自己的身体分开了
Oh God, I've got separated from my own body.
他们说过 可能会发生这种情况 救命!他...
They said this might happen. Help!
救命!
Help!
很抱歉
Our apologies for that.
我们有一个重复的意识 卡在了画外音轨道上
We had a duplicate consciousness stuck on the voice-over track.
所以我们开枪将其打死了 稍后回到《扯淡生命史》
So we've had it shot and can shortly rejoin Cunk on Life.
走在绝美风景中的那个人是？
Who's that walking through an awesome landscape
是属于你们自己的菲洛梅娜·康科
recording a piece to camera? It's your very own Philomena Cunk!
有一张大致逼真的脸
Featuring a vaguely realistic face,
相似的服装 没有她的举止
similar clothing, and a total lack of mannerisms.
但不止如此
But that's not all.
菲洛梅娜还长出了胡子 看到了受难 还下蛋!
Philomena also sprouts facial hair, witnesses the crucifixion, and lays eggs!
扯下她的头 把她推倒 哎呀!真的血!
Pop off her head, tip her over, and whoops-a-daisy! Real blood!
好玩的不只是把血擦干净
The fun doesn't end with mopping that up.
菲洛梅娜驾驶自己的飞船 三角龙舰
Philomena pilots her very own spacecraft, the USS Triceratops,
还有她的星际朋友
with her intergalactic friends,
屎豆船长 本森夫人和巴纳比-9
Captain Shitpeas, Mrs. Benson, and Barnaby-9.
他们一起巡游银河系 修复黑洞、残害奶牛
Together they tour the galaxy, repairing black holes and mutilating cattle.
菲洛梅娜·康科和伙伴 优秀零售商有售
Philomena Cunk & Pals. Available from all good retailers.
可能含有松子 副作用包括自燃和忧郁
May contain pine nuts.
Side effects include spontaneous combustion and melancholy.
午夜后禁止喂食
Do not feed after midnight.
记得喂水 永远的阿门
Remember to hydrate. Amen.
(《扯淡生命史》)
《扯淡生命史》后续预告
Coming up on Cunk on Life.
见一个在死刑牢房♥即将被遗忘的人
Meet a man facing oblivion on death row.
我请了一位哲学家来探查我们的灵魂
I ask a philosopher to probe our souls.
哲学家会花很多时间 思考我们的灵魂？
Do philosophers spend a lot of time thinking about our souls?
之后我探访了大型强子对撞机
And I visit the Large Hadron Collider
跟布莱恩·考克斯教授 一起探讨天体物理学
for some astrochat with Professor Brian Cox.
黑洞是什？
What's a black hole?
黑？
A black hole?
抱歉 不能提“黑” 有色洞种
Sorry, a hole of color.
但首先让我们以质疑的角度看待 死亡不可避免这一令人窒息的事实
But first, let's take a sideways look at the suffocating inevitability of death.
(第四章 死亡)
死亡是伟大的平衡器
Death is the great leveler.
你这一生可能是 亿万富翁超模总统和国王
In life, you might've been a billionaire, supermodel, president, and king,
但在你死亡的这一刻 只能躺在那里像香肠一样开始腐烂
but the moment you die, you start rotting like a sausage in a lay-by.
人类最大的不确定事件是 你会怎样死亡
The big unknown is how you'll die.
可能摔下楼梯或者悬崖死亡
You might die falling off a ladder or a cliff,
或者摔进全是刀子的湖
or into a lake full of knives.
可能被小汽车、公交车撞 或者如果在乡下 被拖拉机撞
You could be hit by a car or a bus, or a tractor if you're rustic.
也许你已经死了 从坟墓那边看着这一切
Maybe you're already dead and watching this from beyond the grave,
那就太可惜了 因为你看这个节目 就不算收视率了
which would be a shame because you won't count towards the ratings.
从统计上来看 哪一个更常见 脚气还是死？
Statistically, which is more common, athlete's foot or death?
绝对是死亡更常见
Death is infinitely more common.
其实 我们每个人一定都会死亡
In fact, it is guaranteed for all of us.
死后多久恢复日常活动比较安？
How soon after death is it safe to resume your regular day-to-day activities?
死亡之后就没办法恢复
You can't resume your day-to-day activities
日常活动了
once you're dead.
怎么恢？- 什么都不能做 连播客都不能听？
How would you? - So you can't do anything? You can't even listen to a podcast?
什么都不能听
You can't listen to anything.
如果给一具尸体放播客
If you played a podcast to a corpse,
真的一个字都听不进去？
would really none of it go in?
什么都听不进去
Absolutely nothing would go in.
我们大脑的一个缺点是
One downside of our big brains is
我们是唯一明白 死亡不可避免的生物
we're the only creatures who are aware that death is inevitable.
但如果你让十只狗排成一排 逐个开枪
Although, if you lined ten dogs in a row and shot them one by one,
最后面的狗可能 在击毙第四只狗的时候就会明白了
the dog on the end would probably get the gist by about dog four.
当然了 死亡没发生在自己身上时 忘记这件事很容易
Of course, it's easy to forget about death until it happens to you,
反正死亡的时候 大脑也被清空了
at which point your brain gets wiped anyway.
在中世纪可不是这样的
It wasn't like that in medieval times.
那个时候 由于瘟疫、战乱 还有盛行的暴♥力♥暗流
Back then, thanks to plagues, wars, and a general undercurrent of violence,
人们对死亡司空见惯了
people were casually familiar with death.
没死的人反而觉得自己被丢下了
In fact, they got FOMO when they didn't die.
跟自己的死亡保持着友好关系
And this matey relationship with their own mortality
反映在了他们的艺术中
was reflected up their art.
这是勃鲁盖尔的《死亡的胜利》
This is Bruegel's Triumph of Death,
描绘了一支不死军队 在这样一个很难改编成
which depicts an army of the undead violently laying waste to humankind
轻松动画电影的场景中 暴♥力♥地伤害人类
in scenes unlikely to be adapted into a Pixar movie.
这个场景真实发生过 想想都让人不寒而栗
It's terrifying to think this actually happened.
我们很幸运 勃鲁盖尔趁着自己 还没有被骨架捕捉
We're lucky Bruegel managed to capture this image
先捕捉到了这幅画面
before he too was captured by the skeletons.
其实 我真的很意外他还能画画
In fact, I'm surprised he could paint at all.
如果是我 我都会吓得手抖
My hands would have been shaking so much,
手里拿着画笔 我只能关注自己
I'd have had my own eye out with the brush.
这是什么鬼东？
What the fuck is this?
这是想象中的一个场景
Well, it's a scene of imagination,
这不会是勃鲁盖尔亲眼见过的...
but it's not a scene that Bruegel would have actually...
场景
witnessed.
但这种场景有可能发生 不是？
I mean, but it could happen, couldn't it?
不会的 不可能发生
No, it couldn't happen.
误传信息越来越复杂了 太可怕了
Misinformation is getting so sophisticated, it's terrifying.
多年来 类似的病态艺术
For years, morbid art like this
描绘一个不祥的人物 用镰刀消灭人类的灵魂
depicted an ominous figure dispatching human souls with a scythe.
就是这个人 死神
That's this man, the Grim Reaper.
别担心 我还没疯 这里没有别人
Don't worry. I haven't gone mad. It only looks like there's no one there.
其实 你在家里根本看不到死神
In fact, you won't be able to see the Grim Reaper at home
除非你在接下来的24小时内会死
unless you're going to die within the next 24 hours.
死亡后发生的事情 一直是人们热议的话题
What happens after death is the subject of huge debate.
有人认为 人死后会进化成鬼
Some think that after you die, you evolve into a ghost,
像是用闹鬼的烟雾 做成的低端科技全息图像
a sort of low-tech hologram made of haunted smoke.
科学家称 鬼并不存在