扯淡生命史（2024）

He doesn't complain about that, but he must have done.
不管他是怎么画的
However he did it,
给西斯廷教堂绘画 肯定是锻炼上半身肌肉的好机会
painting the Sistine Chapel must have been a great upper body workout.
米开朗基罗的手臂有多强？
How strong were Michelangelo's arms?
比如他作画的时候 一个疯子牧师跳到了他身上
Like, if a mad priest had leapt on his back while he was painting it,
他能把手臂伸到身后去 把牧师拉下去？
would he have been able to reach around and pull him off?
能 我觉得能
Oh yeah. I think so.
我觉得米开朗基罗肯定有发达的肌肉
I think Michelangelo was quite muscular. He must have been.
所以真的可以把对方拉下来 - 我觉得应该可以 对
Mm, so he could really yank him off. - I think he could have done, yeah.
上帝在画中创造的人叫亚当
The man God's creating here is called Adam.
他和夏娃组成了史上第一对
He's one half of the first celebrity couple,
名人夫妻
Adam and Eve,
这里的演员自愿签署了裸体拍摄合约
played here by actors who happily signed a nudity waiver.
当然 真正的亚当和夏娃
Of course, the real Adam and Eve
不会有纹身 演员出演的时候还要用粉底遮挡
wouldn't have had tattoos we'd have to paint over
也不会在私密位置打洞戴饰品 拍摄的时候只能让他们拿掉
or intimate piercings we'd have to ask them to take out
交给我们的科研人员妥善保管
and hand to our researcher for safekeeping.
我们把演员身上 有冒犯观众的地方打了码
We've pixelated the offensive parts of their bodies,
在《旧约》时代可没有这种技术
a technology that wasn't available in Old Testament times,
所以我能看到一切
which is why I can see everything,
虽然我真的不太想看
even though I don't really want to.
亚当和夏娃不只是世上的第一对人类
Adam and Eve weren't just the first humans to exist,
也是世上让父亲失望的第一对人类
but the first humans to disappoint their dad.
上帝把知识的秘密隐藏在了 看起来很美味的水果里
God had hidden the secret of knowledge inside a delicious looking fruit
禁止这两个人食用 鬼知道是因为什么
and then forbidden them to eat it for some fucking reason,
但他们还是吃了
but eat it they did.
这是早期苹果产品 加速人类灭亡的例证
An early example of an Apple product hastening the downfall of humankind.
这就是原罪
This was the original sin,
自此之后 所有人类都被认为有罪
and ever since, all humans have been considered sinful.
(第二章 罪与德)
罪人担心上帝会惩罚他们 那你？
Sinners worry God might punish them, but what about you?
好吧
Well,
我跟所有人一样
um, I'm a sinner
也是罪人
like anybody else.
不是 我是说 他们应该担心 你会惩罚他们？
No, I mean, should they worry about you punishing them?
不应该
Uh... no.
上帝意识到他需要帮助 让我们这些有罪的人类不犯错
God realized he needed help keeping us sinful humans in check,
他知道该找谁
and he knew just who to call on.
这就是神圣的摩西
This is holy Moses,
《旧约》时代最成功的网红
the most successful influencer of Old Testament times,
就像当今的网红野兽先生那样
very much the Mr Beast of his day.
有一天 上帝邀请摩西到西奈山顶
One day, God invited Moses to the top of Mount Sinai
交给他一套刻在石碑上的人生规则
and handed him a set of rules for life carved on stone tablets.
那是全世界首个新闻稿 也是最重磅的新闻稿
It was the world's first and heaviest press release.
上帝命令摩西把这个信息广为传播
God commanded Moses to spread this message far and wide,
这个工作肯定不好干
which must've been annoying for Moses
因为他必须把石板背下山
because he'd have to carry the tablets back down on foot
他的背包里可能放不进去
and probably didn't have room in his rucksack.
《十诫》一共有几？
How many Ten Commandments were there?
几？你刚才说了 “十”
How many? You just named them. Ten.
所以有十个《十诫》?
So there were ten Ten Commandments?
不是100条
There weren't 100 commandments.
而是十条
There were ten commandments.
有十条诫命
There were ten commandments.
对
Yes.
没错
That's it.
这些“应该”和“不应该” 是给人类的条款
These shalts and shalt nots are a set of terms and conditions for humankind.
所有基♥督♥徒必须同意并遵守
All Christians had to agree to abide by them
也需要接收偶尔来自上帝的宣传短♥信♥
and also accept occasional promotional messages from God
讨论他们感兴趣的话题
on subjects that may interest them.
上帝是怎么把条款压缩成十条？
How did God manage to boil his terms and conditions down to just ten points
苹果手♥机♥ 最终用户许可协议都有100页呢
when the iPhone end user license agreement is about 100 pages long?
这就证明了 上帝毕竟是上帝 比我们简洁多了
It just proves the point that God is God, so he's a lot more concise than we are.
这是一份有法律约束力的合同？
Is it a legally binding contract?
这是一个圣约 是上帝和子民之间爱的圣约 所以...
It is a covenant, which is a covenant of love between God and God's people, so--
不是 我是说苹果手♥机♥那个
No, I meant the iPhone one.
为了争相取悦上帝
In a bid to stay in God's good books,
虔诚追随者的一生 不去追求罪恶的享乐
devout followers avoid sinful pleasures, like lusting after sloths,
比如淫欲和懒惰
during their lifetimes.
不是所有人都认为 享乐是不好的
Not everyone thinks enjoying yourself is bad.
有人终其一生追求享乐主义
Some people dedicate their lives to hedonism,
这是除了精♥子♥之外
the sleaziest ism there is,
最污秽的东西
apart from jism.
整个城市的建设 都是为了追求享乐主义
Entire cities have been built for hedonist pursuits,
令人震撼、华丽的城市 比如威尔士的小乡村斯旺西
impressive, opulent cities like Swansea in Wales,
还有这个地方
and also this place.
这里是拉斯维加斯
This is Las Vegas,
西班牙语是“赌城”的意思
Spanish for "The Vegas."
这里有赌场、脱衣舞俱乐部 24小时喝酒的文化
With its culture of casinos, strip clubs, and round-the-clock drinking,
这里是不去麦加圣地的人们的圣地
it's a mecca for people who aren't going to Mecca.
据我们的导演说 拉斯维加斯是人类放纵的一个
Vegas is a shimmering visual metaphor for human indulgence,
闪闪发光的视觉隐喻
according to our director,
而我们制♥作♥人说 我们去那里拍摄
and too far away and expensive for us to film in,
又远又贵 后来导演赢了
according to our producer, who lost the argument.
由于这里的名声
Given its reputation,
拉斯维加斯也被称为罪恶之城
Las Vegas is also known as Sin City,
听起来像“最饿之城”
which is short for Cincinnati,
也差不多可以这样说了
or would be, if that wasn't a different place altogether.
每年 很多蜂拥而至的游客都希望
Many of the tourists who flock here each year hope
发生在拉斯维加斯的事情不要外传
that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
也许这是真的
Maybe that's true.
但另一方面 上帝能看到一切
But on the other hand, God sees everything,
连我前任肖恩 以前用他的拇指做过的事都能看到
even that thing my ex Sean used to do with his thumb.
更可怕的是 上帝不但能知道你们犯过什么罪
Worse still, God doesn't just know about the sinful things you've done.
还能知道你们只在心里想过要犯的罪
He also knows about the sinful things you're merely thinking of doing.
上帝知道我们想的一切
God knows everything we're thinking.
这也太侵犯数据隐私了 不是？
That's a data privacy nightmare, isn't it?
有办法屏蔽上帝？
Is there a way to opt out?
我不认为有办法
Not that I'm aware of.
能不能只去想假的想法 这样骗过上？
Could you put God off the scent by only thinking decoy thoughts,
比如你心里真正是怎么想的 而脑子里想出相反？
like only thinking the opposite of what you actually think?
这样行得通？
Would that work?
我觉得不行
I don't think so.
不行
No.
因为看到一切的上帝不只是无所不知
You're not just dealing with a God who's omniscient, knows everything.
还无所不能 是万能的
You're also dealing with a God who is omnipotent, is all-powerful.
我说句实话 跟上帝之间的关系 很多地方都让人觉得应该立刻分手
I'll be honest. This relationship with God throws up a lot of red flags.
他始终在监视我们
He's watching us all the time.
他给我们设定规则
He sets rules.
他脾气很坏
He's got a terrible temper.
他还认为自己是上帝
He even thinks he's God.
这不就是一个害人的自恋狂？
Isn't he basically just a toxic narcissist?
虔诚地遵守上帝的规则 就可以升入天堂
If you follow God's rules religiously, you'll ascend to the kingdom of heaven,
听起来不错
which sounds great.
但如果你去世的时候年纪大了
Although, if you're old when you die,
可能不想爬那么多楼梯
you might not want to be going up a lot of stairs.
在天堂里 谁都不需要再工作了
In heaven, nobody has to work anymore.
需要你做得最多的就是洗碗
The most that will be asked of you is doing the washing up,
不过因为一切的世俗欲望 都得到了满足
but since all earthly appetites will have been sated,
就只需要偶尔洗杯子
we can only be talking about the odd mug.
不去天堂 另一选择是地狱
The alternative to heaven is hell,
诅咒的火坑、永恒的折磨
a fiery pit of damnation and eternal torment
在旅行软件猫途鹰上 目前评价只有两颗星
which currently only has two stars on Tripadvisor.
我们这是探讨精神力量的节目
This is quite a spiritual show.
我可以问我们的灵魂？
Can I ask about our souls?
等我们到了天堂 会因为灵魂是否干净 受到评判？
Do we get judged for the cleanliness of our souls when we get to heaven?
我觉得我们会因为 在世时的行为表现受到评判
I think we get judged by how we've acted in the world.
当我们审视自己的灵魂 会发现什？
When we look into our souls, what do we find there?
这要取决于我们准备多么深入地审视
Well, it depends how far we're prepared to look into it.
审视多远 对
How far you look up, yeah.
上帝不宽恕的本性意味着
God's unforgiving nature means