扯淡生命史（2024）

The disappointingly-flavored soup that vomits from the penis
里面有数百万只勇敢的小蝌蚪
contains millions of plucky young tadpoles
它们会顺着女性管道逆流而上
which swim their way up
游向一个卵
through the female pipework towards an egg
然后突击进去
and then kamikaze into it,
像是对一位女性做了911那种事
like a tiny 9 11 happening up a lady.
这里就是神奇的生命奇迹开始的地方
This is where, incredibly, the miracle of life begins
也正是这个时候 女性拥有选择决定停止的权利
and the precise moment that a woman's right to choose ends.
怀孕九个月后
Nine months after conception,
婴儿无痛滑出女性的前门
the infant painlessly slides through the lady's front hole
来到这个世界
and out into the world.
然后从一个婴儿 逐渐变异成真正的人类
It then slowly mutates from a baby into an actual human being.
但人类到底是什？
But what exactly is a human being?
百分之多少的人有人类的身？
What percentage of people have a human body?
(伦敦国王学院 外科教授)
所有人类都有人类的身体
All humans have a human body.
抱着猫的人？
What about people holding a cat?
他们既有人类的身体 又有猫的身体
Have they got a human body and a cat's body,
还是说 不是这样？
or does it not work that way?
不对 两个是完全分开的
No, the two are completely separate.
人类是人类 猫是猫
The human is a human and the cat is a cat.
人类生物学存在的时间 几乎和人类一样长
Human biology has existed almost as long as humans themselves,
甚至可能更长
if not longer.
这涉及一种皮和肉的复杂排布 称为“器官”
It involves a complex arrangement of skin and meat machines called organs.
把这些器官装进塑料袋里 带着这些逛鞋店
Put these organs in a plastic bag and walk around a shoe shop with them
你就会被捕
and you'd be arrested.
但以正确的顺序摆放 就得到了一个人类身体
But put them in the right order and you've got a human body,
这是一台结构精巧的机器 还会放屁 会吃薯片
an exquisitely constructed machine that also farts and eats crisps.
我们的器官太血腥了
Our organs are so gory,
有些人无法忍♥受看到这样的画面
some people can't bear to see images like this.
如果你是那种敏感的观众 请在五秒之前将视线移开
If you're one of those sensitive viewers, look away five seconds ago.
这些东西该叫内脏还是血？
Is the correct term for all this offal or gore?
所有这些东西
All this stuff.
这个叫肠
Yeah, that is... This is called the intestine.
如果把肠子扯出来
If you pulled an intestine out
能有多？
how long would it be?
很多米
It would be many meters.
好吧 但为什么要给扯出？
Okay, but why are you pulling it out?
我们通常不会把肠子扯出来 除非发生了病变
We wouldn't normally pull it out unless there was a disease process.
所以你不知道为什么会这？- 不知道
So you don't know why it's happening? - No.
这些黏糊糊的内脏需要一个包裹结构
All these slimy innards need a surrounding structure
来防止它们滑落到地上 让路人滑倒
to stop them slopping onto the floor for passersby to slip on.
如果没有这个 让幽灵列车成名的人体骨架
We wouldn't be upstanding citizens if it wasn't for this,
我们就不会是站立的良好市民了
the human skeleton of ghost train fame.
很难想象 我们有些人的身体里有这种东西
It's incredible to think that there's one of these inside some of us.
你知道？只有40%的人有骨架
Did you know only 40% of people have skeletons?
这个数据是从哪里得来？- 真的 我看过一个视频
Where did you get this figure from? - It's true. I saw a video about it.
只有死后才知道自己有没有骨架
You only find out if you've got a skeleton after you die.
有些人是纯肉做的
Some people are just solid meat.
这真是... - 你知道演员伯特·兰卡斯特？
This is-- - You know Burt Lancaster, the actor?
显然他就是纯肉 像香肠一样
He was solid meat, apparently, like a sausage.
每一个人都有骨架
Every human being has a skeleton.
这个比例是100%
That figure is 100%.
你知道膝盖是骗局？
Did you know knees are a con?
你为什么会这样？
Why do you say that?
如果你去各种地方不弯腿
If you walk everywhere without bending your legs,
寿命大约可以延长八年
you can prolong your life by about eight years.
我今天早上去跑步了
I went running this morning.
我不屈膝 要怎么？
How would I run without bending my knees?
我不是说你没屈膝
I'm not saying you didn't bend your knees.
我只是说 如果你没有屈膝
I'm just saying that if you didn't bend your knees,
可以让寿命延长大约八年
you could prolong your life by eight years.
虽然这样上楼梯就成了问题 这一点我倒是认同你
Although, it does make stairs a problem. I'll grant you that.
人类身体最重要的部分在上面这里
The most important bit of the human body is up here,
在驾驶室或称“头骨”里
in the driver's compartment or "skull."
囚禁在每个头骨里的 是被我们奴役的生物
Imprisoned within every skull is a creature we've enslaved
帮我们思考
to do our thinking for us,
是一个被称作大脑的智能花椰菜
a sort of smart cauliflower known as the brain.
所以这就是大脑 - 这就是大脑
So, this is a brain. - This is a brain.
普通人的脑袋里有几个这种东？
How many of these are in an average head?
每人有一个
We have one each.
只有一？- 只有一个
Just the one? - Just the one brain.
大脑不只处理复杂的任务
The brain doesn't just tackle complex tasks
比如眨眼或煮粥
like blinking or making porridge.
还能处理琐碎的小事 比如我们整个人类的意识
It also handles trivial things, like our entire human consciousness,
人类意识的起源完全是个谜
the origins of which are a complete mystery.
是大脑产生了意识
Does the brain generate the consciousness,
还是意识在操控大？
or does the consciousness operate the brain?
很有争议... - 不好意思
You'll find lots of disagreements-- - Oh, sorry.
我应该提醒你一下 让你的回答...
I'm supposed to remind you to keep your answer...
什么来？
What was it?
“能让我们的傻瓜观众听懂”
"Coherent for our fuck-witted viewers."
这是一个复杂的问题
It is a complicated question.
我的观点是 是大脑产生了意识
My view is that the brain generates consciousness,
但意识给了我们能力
but consciousness gives us the ability to do things
去做一些如果没有意识
that we wouldn't be able to do
没有办法完成的事情
if we weren't conscious.
好 谢谢
Right. Thank you.
显然我不应该 把那张卡片大声读出来 所以...
And apparently, I wasn't supposed to read that card aloud, so...
各位屏幕前的观众 抱歉了
Apologies to you at home.
所有这些 都指向了一个基本的人类问题
All of this leads to a fundamental human question.
我是？
Who am I?
显然不是说“我” 我上电视 所以大家知道我是谁
Not me, obviously. I'm on the telly, so people know who I am.
但你们是？你们为什么会在这？
But who are you? What are you doing here?
这些真的发生了？
And is any of this really happening?
当我们有想法的时候 比如我在脑中构想了一个风车
When we have a thought, like if I picture a windmill,
那个风车有多真？
how real is that windmill?
那不是真实的
It's not real.
不是真实的？
It's not real?
这个风车在你的思想里
It's in your... It's in your mind.
不过我为什么要构想一个风车？这是线索？
Why did I picture a windmill, though? Is it a clue?
什么的线？
A clue to...?
某些事 - 我不知道
Something. - I don't know.
这要看你当时在想什么
It depends what you were thinking about.
风车里面是什？
What's inside the windmill?
这要看你当时在想什么
Um, it depends what you were thinking about.
万一有人住在风车里？
What if someone lives inside the windmill
不是我在想象他们 而是他们在想象？
and I'm not imagining them, they're imagining me?
以这种方式去思考 想象是如何工作的 很不寻常
This is a very unusual way to think about how imagination works.
想象力是有思想的副作用
Imagination is a side effect of having a mind,
有人认为使用致幻的毒品
and some believe it can be enhanced
想象可以增强
with the use of mind-expanding drugs.
当嬉皮士吸食致幻的毒品时 他们的思维变宽了多？
When hippies took mind-expanding drugs, how much wider did their minds get?
有没有头骨开裂的情？
Did their skulls ever pop open?
头骨不会开裂
Their skulls didn't pop open,
但这意味着他们更加开放 接受一些他们以前可能没有考虑过的
but it meant that they were more open to ideas and philosophies and concepts
思想、哲学和概念
they may not have previously considered.
你知道有那种说法？
You know when people talk about
开天？
opening their third eye?
我的朋友保罗 管他老二末端的孔叫天眼
That's what my mate Paul calls the hole in the end of his penis.
为什么会有人想要开那东？
Why would anyone want to widen that?
20世纪60年代精神病药物的使用
The use of psychopathic drugs in the 1960s
也让名人开始深思 人类存在的灵魂层面问题
also led popular figures to contemplate more spiritual aspects to human existence.
披头士乐队吃了迷幻剂 去了印度的时候
When The Beatles dropped acid and went to India,
他们是真的去了
did they actually go,
还是说 那是精神旅程的一部？
or was that part of the trip?
他们确实去了印度
No, they did actually go to India,
他们在那里的时候 去探访了一个道场 见了大♥师♥
and they visited an ashram and gurus while they were out there.
改变了他们说的话 对？
It changed the stuff they said, didn't it?
他们曾说:“《有爱就够了》”
They said, "All you need is love,"
然后乔治·哈里森说 “《一切都会过去》”
and then George Harrison said, "All things must pass."