扯淡生命史（2024）

他的信奉者会通过一种叫敬拜的
his believers try to stay in his good books
有组织的卑躬屈膝
through a form of organized groveling
来取悦他
called worship.
天国之王 进入我们的灵魂
♪ Enter our souls, king of heaven ♪
虽然灵魂因为罪过而发出恶臭
♪ Even though they reek of sin ♪
坚定地进入我们的灵魂
♪ Enter our souls resolutely ♪
插入内心深处
♪ Penetrate the depths within ♪
我们的灵魂!
♪ Our souls! Our souls! ♪
♪ Our souls! Our souls! ♪
填满我们的灵魂
♪ Fill them up unto the brim ♪
很多人认为这样赞美上帝 能给自己的人生一个目标
Many find praising God in this way gives them a purpose in life.
跪舔老板
Sucking up to the boss.
如果上帝真的在上面俯视我们
If God's up there looking down on us,
我们为什么要跪下来祷告？
why do we kneel when we pray?
跪下是一种敬畏 是圣洁感的表达方式
Kneeling is the expression of a sense of awe and holiness.
但是弯下上身跪着有什么意义？
But what's the point in kneeling though, all bent over?
说出来的话 上面都听不清了
You know, it's terrible acoustics.
站起来直接对着天空喊出 自己的一系列要求 会不会更？
Wouldn't it be better to stand up and shout a list of demands up to the sky?
理论上 上帝并不在天上
God is not in the sky, literally.
好吧 那他在哪？有地址？
Right. So where is he? Has he got an address?
上帝存在于
God is present
一切时间和地点
in all places and all times.
我家橱柜里也？
What, even, like, in cupboards?
你这就提出了一个非常重要的问题
Well, you've raised a very important question here
因为对神存在的一种思考方式
because one way of thinking
就是从他无所不知这一点去考虑
about the divine presence is in terms of his knowledge.
也许上帝并不在橱柜里
So maybe God is not located in the cupboard,
但他知道橱柜里的各种情况
but he knows about the state of affairs in the cupboard.
不好意思 他到底在不在橱柜？
Uh, sorry, is he in a cupboard or not?
不是每个人都相信 赐予我们生命的人就是上帝
Not everyone believes God is solely responsible for giving us life.
也有其他版本的起源故事
Other origin stories are available.
(第三章 体内与体外)
这位镜头逐渐移近的人是没刮胡子的 维多利亚时代天才 查尔斯·达尔文
The man slowly moving towards you is unshaven Victorian genius Charles Darwin.
有一天 达尔文骑着一只小比格犬 去了加拉帕戈斯群岛
One day, Darwin rode a beagle to the Galápagos Islands,
一只奇异的乌龟给了他灵感 发展成了一个理论
where an exotic tortoise gave him an idea in the form of a theory,
人类的身体 以前并不长现在这样的理论
a theory that human bodies haven't always been human bodies.
为什么说我们的祖先跟猿猴睡？
Why do we say our ancestors came in apes?
(诺贝尔生理 医学奖得主)
我们的祖先跟猿猴...?
Our ancestors came...?
睡了
In apes.
我们的祖先不是猿猴
Ah. They didn't come from apes.
我们和猿猴的祖先另有其人
Apes and ourselves came from something else.
猩猩
A chimp?
不是现在的那种黑猩猩或者猿猴
It's sort of... It's not exactly like a chimp or a modern ape or ourselves.
好吧 所以我们没跟猩猩？
Right. So we didn't come in a chimp?
没有
No.
很难相信 我们都是从猴肉变异而来的
It's hard to believe we all mutated from monkey meat,
除非你认为所有人生命 在微观水平都是一样的
unless you consider all life is basically the same at a microscopic level.
很多东西都是有生命的 从很小的微生物到大一些的微生物
Lots of things are alive, from tiny microbes to bigger microbes.
每一种生命形式 都是由一个个细胞排列成
Every life form is made of cells,
像监狱牢房♥那样排列
like a prison,
可能正是因为这样 活着才如此令人沮丧
which is probably why existence is so depressing.
终生服刑
It's a life sentence.
就像我在这个节目中说的 生命就是终生服刑
Just like the sentences I say in this program about life.
有必要拥有细胞？
Are cells worth having?
没有细胞 我们就不会存在了
Well, without cells we wouldn't be.
我们就是无数细胞组成的
We're made up of trillions of cells.
我们都来自单一细胞 所以细胞对我们很重要
We all came from a single cell, so they're really important to us.
我的细胞一直在不断分♥裂♥、增殖？
Are my cells dividing and multiplying all the time,
就连我坐在这里 也在分♥裂♥？
like even when I'm sitting here now?
从你坐在这里开始
Since you've been sat there,
你身体里已经 有数百万个细胞分♥裂♥过了
you've had about a million cell divisions going on in your body.
怪不得我总觉得累
Ah, no wonder I feel so worn out all the time.
细胞的增殖不能离开这个
Cells couldn't multiply without this,
生命的宜家指导手册 DNA
the IKEA instruction manual for life, DNA.
DNA微小而复杂 就像汤姆·克鲁斯一样 浓缩的精华
DNA is tiny yet complex, like Tom Cruise.
一个打字员想打出DNA序列 要花50年以上的时间
It would take a typist over 50 years to type out the DNA sequence,
这就太傻了 因为她可以直接 剪切粘贴 然后可以就回家了
which would be stupid because she could cut and paste it and go home.
我用了女的“她” 属于下意识的偏见了
I call her "she" because of unconscious bias,
这是刻在DNA里的意识 不是我的错
which is in my DNA and not my fault.
你听说过“地恩诶”？
Have you heard of D and A?
(量子物理学教授)
听过
Yes.
我们都有？
Do we all have D and A?
还是有人只有其中一个？
Or do some of us have D or A, but not both?
不是 不是“地恩诶”
No, it's not D and A.
是DNA
It's three letters. DNA.
你看着我 就能知道我有没有DNA？
Can you tell by looking at me whether I have DNA?
我知道你有DNA 因为你是活体生物
Well, I know you have DNA because you're a living organism,
所有生命都有DNA
and all life has DNA.
我朋友保罗试过 把他的DNA注入一个葡萄柚里
My mate Paul tried to create a new life-form
创造一种新的生命形式
by inserting his DNA into a grapefruit,
但在实验进行到一半时 卖♥♥水果的开始打他了
but halfway through the experiment, the greengrocer started hitting him.
为什么科学这么有争？
Why is science so controversial?
不好意思 你这个问题 跟你刚才讲的故事没关系...
Sorry, that... that question didn't follow from your story of the...
DNA - 对 没关系
DNA. - No, it changed, yeah.
生命最大的谜团之一是
One of life's biggest mysteries
我怎么会同时
is how it's possible for me to look both like my mother
长得既像我妈
and my father
又像我爸
at the same time,
虽然我只有一张脸
even though I've only got one face.
我们作为人类 能做的最重要的事情 就是“递送鸡阴” 这是真的？
Is it true the most important thing we can do as humans is piss in our jeans?
传递基因
Pass on our genes.
什？- 抱歉 是“传递基因”
Sorry? - Sorry, it's "pass on our genes."
对
Oh, right.
我们作为人类 能做的最重要的事情就是...
Um, is it true the most important thing we can do as a human is...
传递
pass...
传递基因
pass on our genes?
我不知道这是否是最重要的事情
I don't know if it's the most important thing,
但这件事很重要
but it is very important
因为这意味着 你把基因从你这里传递给
because what it means is that you pass on your genes from you
你的孩子
to your child.
如果我不想传递基因？
What if I don't want to pass on any of mine?
那你也可以不传
Then, um, then you don't have to.
对 怎样做可以避免传？
Right. How can I avoid it?
呃...
Well, um,
你肯定要做♥爱♥吧
you have to make love.
才能避免传递我的基？
What, to avoid passing on my genes?
(人类起源)
所有生命体都会繁殖
All living things reproduce,
也就是说 所有生物都会生育
which means all living things procreate.
狗、狮子、猪、企鹅
Dogs, lions, pigs,
猴子、带壳野兽
penguins, monkeys, shell monsters,
大象、马
elephants, horses,
大卫·贝克汉姆 和维多利亚·贝克汉姆 还有猪
David and Victoria Beckham, and pigs again.
女性的生殖器官 大部分藏在体内 来安全保存
The female reproductive organs are largely hidden indoors for safekeeping
只有付费才能观看
and normally only visible behind some kind of paywall.
相比之下 男性生殖器或“生殖器先生”
By contrast, the male genitals, or "Mr. Genitals,"
生活在体外
live on the outside of the body,
很容易拍摄
where they can be easily photographed
然后未经对方同意 私信发给别人求偶
and DM'ed to a potential mate without consent.
哪一部分是阴？
So, which bit's the penis?
阴♥茎♥在这里 是这里的部分
So, the penis is over here. It's this bit here.
好 我会小点声说话 我可不想吵醒它
Right. I'll talk quietly. I don't want to wake it.
这是疲软状态下的阴♥茎♥
This is a flaccid penis.
想要性♥交♥ 必须勃起
So, for sexual intercourse, it has to become erect.
之后会发生什？哪部分放到哪？
So what happens, then? What bit goes where?
这个阴♥茎♥需要勃起 - 对
So this penis needs to become erect. - Yeah.
然后在性♥交♥期间放入这里的阴♥道♥
And then it will be put into the vagina here during intercourse,
之后男性会通过这个阴♥茎♥
and he's going to ejaculate sperm through his penis
射出精♥子♥ 进入女性的阴♥道♥
and then into the woman's vagina.
天啊 希望我这辈子不会遇到这种事
Christ. I hope nothing like that ever happens to me.
阴♥茎♥吐出来的 味道让人很失望的汤