克里斯·洛克：杀死信使（2008）

When a woman wants something, she goes, "Damn, I want that. I want it bad.
“我得想想，我去跟谁要，才能得到它”
"I gotta figure out who I could get to get me that."
天差地别啊伙计们，女人从不满足
Big differences, man. Women want a lot, man.
女人幻想男人单膝跪地说
Women want you to get on one knee and go,
“整个世界我最爱的就唯有你一个”
"I love you more than anything else in the world,
“你是我世界里最美丽、完美的女神”
"I think you're the most beautiful, intelligent creature on earth,
“我只想一生一世都跟你厮守”
"and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you."
但是男人从不那样说的
But we ain't saying that.
男人从不那样说，除非他没别的路可走了
We're not saying that unless we really fucked up bad!
男人会把这一套当成备用救命秘籍
We gonna keep that one in our back pocket.
我们不可能随随便便说这些话
We're not gonna just break it out on a Tuesday.
女士们，如果一个男的轻易跟你说这些
Ladies, if you ever hear a man talking that shit,
说不定他是搞上了你妹妹呢
he might have fucked your sister.
女士们，你们知道男人说的最浪漫的话是什么吗？
Ladies, do you know what the most romantic words a man could say to you?
男人嘴里说出来的最浪漫的话是……
The most romantic words a man will ever say to you are these words...
“我哪儿也不去”
"I ain't going nowhere."
没有什么话比这句更浪漫
It don't get no more romantic than...
“我哪儿也不去”
"I ain't going nowhere."
为什么？因为当一个男人说“我哪儿也不去”
You know why? Cos when a man says, "I ain't going nowhere,"
这意味着
what he's trying to tell you is,
“我曾经想过要去别的地方”
"I've actually thought about going somewhere.
“我找了律师，琢磨了琢磨”
"I talked to a lawyer. I looked at a place.
“我意识到即使我换了个女人，也许生活也是大致如此”
"And I realised I'm gonna go through this same shit with the next girl,
“所以还不如跟你凑合过呢”
"so why not just stay here and be miserable with you?"
“我哪儿也不去了”
"I ain't going nowhere."
姑娘，你得知足
You in there.
男人女人之间，有太多不同
So much difference between men and women, man.
男人女人之间最大的不同之处之一就是
One of the biggest differences between men and women,
当一个女人和她朋友玩的很开心，男人也由衷的开心
men are actually happy when women go out with their girlfriends and have a good time.
当你出去和你的闺蜜玩的很开心 你的男人一定也由衷替你高兴
When you go out with your girlfriends and have a good time, we're happy for you.
你回家说“我和朋友们一块看了《欲望都市》”
You come home and go, "Me and my girlfriends are gonna see Sex And The City."
男人会说“太棒了！那我就不用陪你看这片子了”
We're like, "Great! Now I don't have to take you to see that shit."
“你们怎么没继续看《妈妈咪呀》”
"Why don't you go see Mamma Mia while you're at it?"
你们看了电影回家，说“欲望都市超赞”
And you go see it and you come back,
you're like, "Sex And The City was so good.
“你真应该看看电影里的婚礼”
"You shoulda saw the wedding!
“那个谁和那个谁结婚了，剧情太棒了”
"Carrie got married to Big. I can't believe it!"
这时候男人们真的由衷为你感到开心
And we're fucking happy for you.
由衷的为你高兴
We're happy for you.
但是事情反过来说不成立
But it don't work the other way around.
女人，从不希望男人玩的开心
Women never want us to have a good time.
从不，从不，从不
Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
伙计们，如果你媳妇下班回家
Fellas, if your woman come home from work
看你脸上笑嘻嘻的
and you got a smile on your face
她知道肯定不是她让你这么开心
that she didn't put there, she gets suspicious.
这时候她就开始怀疑了“你笑什么？”
"What the fuck you smiling about?
“老娘一个月都没跟你OOXX了，你笑个屁啊”
"I ain't fucked you in three weeks. What the fuck you smiling about?"
朋友们，如果你和你的哥们出去玩 回到家女人问你“玩的好吗”
That's right, fellas, when you go out with your boys and your woman says, "How was it?"
请务必说“还行吧，凑合”
Just go, "It was all right."
因为如果你说的比“凑合”要好，你们就得吵架
Cos if you go beyond "all right", you gonna be in a fight.
你不能说“宝贝，我们玩的太棒了”
You can't be like, "Baby, it was unbelievable.
“简直是一生中最爽的一次”
"I had the best time of my life.
“球赛过程非常激烈，球星A-Rod带队赢了比赛”
"A-Rod hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth.
“真是太刺♥激♥啦”
"I couldn't believe it!"
等着瞧，第二天会怎么样
Watch what happens the next day.
你等着吃饭，结果木有饭
You waitin' for your food. No fucking food.
“宝贝，做饭了吗？”
"Baby, what's up with the food?"
“哟，你怎么不叫你的A-Rod来做饭哦？”
"Why don't you tell A-Rod to cook you some?
“你的哥们哦，A-Rod”
"Your fuckin' boyfriend, A-Rod."
没错伙计们，女人什么都想要
Yeah, man, women want it all.
太多太多不同了
So many fucking differences.
今天晚上观众里，我看就有很多成双成对
A lot of dates tonight. A lot of dates.
敢打赌现场的很多小情人之间还没做过爱
A lot of men took women out tonight they haven't even fucked yet.
“我带她去看Chris Rock演出”
Say, "I'm gonna take her to see Chris Rock.
“买♥♥两张票说不定就能搞定这个妹纸啦”
"I'm gonna close this deal with some Chris Rock tickets."
是真的吗？这妹纸有百分之十算我的
Yeah. Yeah. 10per of that pussy is mine.
给我留点亲亲摸摸什么的哦
Save me a lick or something, OK?
今晚在现场还没跟一块来的女伴做过爱的男人们
Every man in here that's with a woman he hasn't fucked yet,
都在想一件事
is all thinking the same thing...
“我什么时候脱裤子”
"When do I whip it out?
是不是今晚跟她吻别的时候，就应该趁机推倒她？
"Do I just shove her hand down there when we kiss good night
然后看她挣扎着，好像半身不遂的样子？
"and watch her move it like she got cerebral palsy or some shit?
或者我应该像上一盘开胃菜一样
"Do I put it on a tray like an appetiser?
掏出JB来撒点料？
"Sprinkle some parsley around there?
刚出炉的哟
"'Bone appit! '
光线应该怎么样？
"How should the lighting be?
我是不是应该准备点凡士林或者润滑油什么的
"Should I put some Vaseline or some lotion on it?"
总不能干巴巴的就开始吧，对吧
Can't just whip out an ashy dick, right?
而当你一旦脱裤子了之后
And then once you whip it out,
总存在这个可能性，就是女人说“你干吗呢？穿回去行吗”
there's always the chance that the woman goes, "Could you put that back?
“穿回去行吗”草，你知道把硬JB放回裤子里有多难吗？
"Could you put that?" Shit, you know how hard it is to get a dick back in the pants?
硬了的JB啊拜托！我勒个去
A fucking black dick? God damn!
搞什么啊，你的JB探着头好像被忽悠了一样
What the fuck? Your dick is out there on a false alarm.
你的JB会看着你说“伙计，想什么呢？”
Then your dick looks up at you like, "What the fuck was you thinking?
“平白无故把我叫出来，啥也没干”
"Got me out here for this bullshit."
这种窘境从来不会发生在女人身上
That never happens to women.
女人发♥骚♥的时候，从来不会听到
男人说“干嘛呢，穿上衣服行不行？”
Women never whip out a titty and hear, "Hey, put that titty back.
“早知道你要发♥骚♥脱衣服，我可就不来你房♥间了”
"If I'd known you was whipping out titties, I wouldn't have come upstairs.
“穿上衣服，别露个胸”
"Put the titty back.
“我们到底还看不看电影了拜托？”
"Are we gonna watch this movie or what?"
另一件很坑爹的事情是
The other fucked-up thing is, guys,
一旦你脱了裤子，你无法预测到她的反应
once we whip it out, we never know what we got.
你不知道你的JB算大还是小
We never know if it's big or not,
因为这种问题上，女人从来都没有实话的
cos women lie to us about our dicks so much, we don't know what the fuck we got.
当这个女人爱你，你的JB就是无限大
Cos when a woman's in love, your dick's huge.
而当她越恨你，你的JB就越渺小
And the more they hate you, the smaller your fucking dick gets.
所以你根本不知道自己的JB是大还是小
So you don't know what the fuck you got.
你的一切想法都幻灭了，你不知道自己大还是小
You all disillusioned. Your shit is bigger and smaller. You don't know what you got.
你自以为JB很大，走路大摇大摆
You walking around with the big-dick walk with the little dick and shit.
这么走着…… 而其实你的尺寸应该这么走……
Walking like this... when you should be walking like this...
我们不知道自己是大还是小，我也不知道我
We don't know what the fuck we got. I don't know what I got.
不过我还是幸运的，因为我比较瘦，屁♥股♥小
I mean, I'm lucky. I'm skinny, so I got a little backdrop.
而在一个小屁♥股♥对比下，什么都看上去显得大一些
And everything looks bigger against a little backdrop.
而如果你很胖，那么你的JB就好比大海捞针了
Like if you wide, it looks like your dick's at sea and shit.
我不知道我是大是小
I don't know what the fuck I got.
但你知道么，怎么判断一个女人觉得你JB够不够大？
But you know how you can tell if a woman think you got a big dick?
怎么判断一个女人觉得你JB够不够大？
You know how you can tell if a woman think you got a big dick?
当你脱了裤子，她盯着你下面看
After you whip it out, she just starts looking at it.
而且摒住了呼吸说……
And then she says under her breath,
这绝对是惊呼你的JB够大 就好像说“准备好来我这玩玩哦”
That's the universal big-dick greeting. Like, "Hey, hey, welcome to Pussonia.
“可不能让你闲着哦”
"We got a lot of work for you."
男人，女人，太多不同
Men and women, so many fucking...
太多太多不同了，男人女人之间，太多不同
differences between men and women, man. So many fucking differences.
男人女人之间最大的不同之处之一就是
The biggest difference between men and women, one of the biggest differences,
男人在性生活方面标准不能倒♥退♥
men cannot go backwards sexually.
而女人在物质生活方面标准不能倒♥退♥
Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle.
就是不能
Can't fucking do it.
女人在物质生活方面标准不能倒♥退♥，就是不能
Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. They can't do it. That's right.
她们真的不能
They can't do it.
即使是世界上最好的女人，也不能
I don't care... The best woman can't fucking do it.
就是不能
Can't fucking do it.
肯定不能，就是不能
They can't do it, can't do it.
伙计们，你们有没有和女友共同面临过困难
Fellas, you ever gone through some hard times with your woman?
比如你失业了或者什么事情
You lose your job or something?
你女友安慰你“亲爱的别灰心，我们一起努力面对困难”
Your woman tries to console you, "Hey, baby, don't worry. We gonna get through this.
“我知道我们现在负债，不过我们一起努力，可以挺住的”
"I know we got bills, but if we gotta get rid of some shit, we will get rid of some of this shit."
她说的是你
She's talking about you.
不是你们
Can't do it.
伙计们，如果你丢了饭碗
Fellas, if you lose your job,
你就丢了你的女人
you gonna lose your woman.
没错，也许当时她不会离你而去，但是倒计时已经敲响