前所未有的表演（1971）

你不介意我叫你泰德，而不是爱德华吧？
You don't mind if I call you Ted, as opposed to Edward?
-没有。大家都叫我泰德。-太棒了。
- No. Everyone calls me Ted. - Splendid.
-因为它短多了，不是吗？-是的。
- Because it's much shorter, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
-更不用说正式了。-泰德，爱德华，任何事.
- Much less formal. - Ted, Edward, anything.
太棒了。顺便说一句，请叫我汤姆。
Splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom.
我不想让你为这些“托马斯”的废话而烦恼。
I don't want you bothering with any of this "Thomas" nonsense.
很好。我们说到哪了？埃迪宝贝，当你第一次...
Fine. Where were we? Eddie baby, when you first...
对不起。我不喜欢别人叫我埃迪宝贝。
I'm sorry. I don't like being called Eddie baby.
-你说什么？-我不喜欢别人叫我埃迪宝贝.
- I beg your pardon? - I don't like being called Eddie baby.
现在开始你的采访吧。
Now get on with your interview.
-我叫你埃迪宝贝了吗？-是的，你叫的
- Did I call you Eddie baby? - Yes, you did.
我想我没有。我叫他埃迪宝贝了吗？
I don't think I did. Did I call him Eddie baby?
是的，你做到了！
Yes, you did!
我没叫你埃迪宝贝，是吗，亲爱的？
I didn't call you Eddie baby, did I, sweetie?
-别叫我甜心.-我可以叫你白糖李吗？
- Don't call me sweetie. - Can I call you sugar plum?
-不！-猫咪？
- No! - Pussycat?
-不！-天使内♥裤♥？
- No! - Angel drawers?
不，你不能。
No, you may not.
-现在开始吧.-我能叫你弗兰克吗？
- Now get on with it. - Can I call you Frank?
-为什么是弗兰克？-弗兰克是个好名字.
- Why Frank? - Frank's a nice name.
尼克松总统有一只叫弗兰克的刺猬。
President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.
-怎么回事？-弗兰克弗兰基。弗兰。弗兰妮。
- What is going on? - Frank. Frankie. Fran. Frannie.
-小弗兰妮·波。-就是这样.我要走了。
- Little Frannie Boo. - That's it. I'm leaving.
我受够了这些。我从来没有受到过这样的侮辱。
Had enough of this. I've never been so insulted.
-给我们讲讲你的电影，爱德华爵士。-什么？
- Tell us about your film, Sir Edward. - What?
爱德华爵士，请给我们讲讲你的最新电影吧。
Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind.
-别胡说八道了？-我保证.
- None of this pussycat nonsense? - Promise.
请。爱德华爵士。
Please. Sir Edward.
-我的最新电影？-是的，爱德华爵士.
- My latest film? - Yes, Sir Edward.
有趣的是，当我1919年加入这个行业时，我第一次有了这个想法。
I first had the idea, funnily enough, when I joined the industry in 1919.
当然，那时候我还只是个送茶的.
Of course, in those days I was only a tea boy...
哦，闭嘴。
Oh, shut up.
-他在那里！-抓住他.
- There he is! - Get him.
截住他!
Stop him!
他是杀人犯！
He's a murderer!
回来，你这个恶魔！恶魔！
Come back, you fiend! Fiend!
他是杀人犯！
He's a murderer!
“房♥间里挤满了送奶人……
"The room is full of milkmen...
其中一些是..。
some of whom are...
都是非常古老的。
are very old."
这个人是欧内斯特·斯克里布勒。
This man is Ernest Scribbler...
笑话制♥造♥者。
manufacturer of jokes.
过一会儿，他就会想到世界上最滑稽的笑话。
In a few moments he will think of the funniest joke in the world...
结果他会笑着死去。
and as a result he will die laughing.
显然，这个笑话是致命的。
It was obvious the joke was lethal.
没有人能读懂它并生活下去。
No one could read it and live.
斯克里布勒的母亲，被不同寻常的欢乐之声吓坏了。
Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment...
走进房♥间，发现了什么，显然是...
entered the room and found what was, apparently...
一封遗书。
a suicide note.
与匈奴人的战争仍在继续。
The war against the Hun continues...
当英国勇敢的孩子们与博什人战斗时。
and as Britain's brave boys battle against the Bosch...
他们的领导人正在寻找新的突破，可以提供...
their leaders are on the lookout for new breakthroughs that could provide...
在对抗匈奴的战争中的终极武器。
the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun.
在这里，在平奇利的这座小房♥子里，他们认为他们可能找到了它。
Here, in this little house in Pinchley, they think maybe they've found it.
这是一个致命的笑话，可能会让弗里茨的部队倒下。
It's a joke so deadly, it could have Fritz's forces falling about.
索尔兹伯里平原的测试证实..。
Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm...
这个笑话在50码的范围内具有毁灭性的效果。
the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards.
太棒了！
Fantastic!
整个43年的冬天...
All through the winter of '43...
我们有翻译员在不开玩笑的条件下工作。
we had translators working in joke-proof conditions...
试图制♥造♥一个德语版的笑话。
to try and manufacture a German version of the joke.
为了更安全起见，他们每个人都在练习一个单词。
They worked on one word each for greater safety.
其中一人看错了两个字，不得不在医院住了几个星期。
One of them saw two words by mistake and had to spend several weeks in hospital.
但除此之外，事情进展得相当快。
But apart from that, things went ahead pretty fast.
到了一月份，我们就有了一个形式的笑话。
And by January we had the joke in a form...
这是我们的军队无法理解，但德国人可以理解的。
which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could.
所以在1944年7月8日...
So on July the 8th, 1944...
这个笑话首先是讲给敌人听的。
the joke was first told to the enemy...
在阿登山脉。
in the Ardennes.
班长，讲个笑话吧！
Squad, tell the joke!
在行动中，这是致命的。
In action, it was deadly.
德国人的伤亡令人震惊。
The German casualties were appalling.
这是一个惊人的成功，超过了8万倍的威力...
It was a fantastic success over 80,000 times as powerful...
作为英国战前最大的笑话，在慕尼黑被用来...
as Britain's great prewar joke, which was used at Munich...
这是希♥特♥勒♥无法比拟的。
and one which Hitler couldn't match.
我想为我的低级趣味道歉。
I would like to apologize for the rather poor taste...
前一项的。
of the previous item.
失陪一下，请原谅。
And excuse me, please.
请到舰队街。
Fleet Street, please.
好了，各位，跟紧点。
All right, everybody, stay close.
不要落在后面。大家都待在一起。
Don't lag behind. Keep together, everybody.
记住。当心那些杀手级的车。
Remember. Watch out for the killer cars.
是的，杀手级的车。
Yes, the killer cars.
多年来，这座城市一直受到日益严重的行人拥堵的困扰。
For years the city had been plagued by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion.
为了消除这个问题..。
In an attempt to eliminate this problem...
某些狂热的汽车。
certain fanatical cars...
把法律掌握在自己手中。
had taken the law into their own hands.
但杀手级汽车的日子屈指可数了。
But the days of the killer cars were numbered...
多亏了原子突变的奇迹。
thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation.
谢谢!你拯救了我们的城市！
Thank you! You've saved our city!
但代价是什么呢？
But at what cost?
就在那时，就在它看起来确定的时候，这座城市即将被吞噬……
Just then as it looked for certain, that the city was about to be eaten...
大地在颤抖，太阳从天空中消失了。
the earth trembled and the sun was blotted out from the sky.
突然，空气中弥漫着成群的巨型蜜蜂。
Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air...
3亿装甲骑兵披着1000种不同颜色的外衣...
and 300 million armored horsemen covered with coats of 1,000 different colors...
出现在每个街角攻击怪物猫..。
appeared at every street corner attacking the monster cat...
在如此壮观的场面中。
in a scene of such spectacular proportions...
在你的生活中永远不可能在这样的低成本电影中看到。
that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film like this.
如果你注意到了，我的嘴巴也不动了。
If you'd notice, my mouth isn't moving either.
但就在怪物猫开始虚弱的时候。
But just as the monster cat was starting to weaken...
地球随着震耳欲聋的咆哮裂开了。
the earth split apart with a deafening roar and...
你好。我想提出投诉。
Hello. I wish to register a complaint.
-你好.小姐？-你说“小姐”是什么意思？
- Hello. Miss? - What do you mean, "miss"?
哦，我很抱歉。我感冒了。我想投诉一下。
Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
抱歉的。我们要关门吃午饭了。
Sorry. We're closing for lunch.
别管这个了，我的孩子。我想抱怨一下这只鹦鹉...
Nevermind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot...
我不到半小时前从这家精品店买♥♥的东西。
what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
哦，是的，挪威蓝。有什么问题吗？
Oh, yes, the Norwegian blue. What's wrong with it?
我来告诉你出了什么问题，我的孩子。
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.
它死了。这就是它的问题所在。
It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.
不，它在休息。看。
No, it's resting. Look.
听着，我的小伙子，我一看到一只死鹦鹉就认得出来，现在我正在看着一只。
Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one now.
不，那不是死的，它是在休息。
No, that's not dead, it's resting.
-休息？-是的，休息
- Resting? - Yeah, resting.
了不起的鸟，挪威蓝，不是吗？美丽的羽毛。
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage.
羽毛不能进入其中。它仍然是死的。
The plumage don't enter into it. It's still dead.
不，它在休息。
No, it's resting.
那好吧。如果它在休息，我会叫醒它的。
All right, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up.
你好，波莉！
Hello, Polly!
如果你醒了，我为你准备了一只新鲜的墨鱼，波利·鹦鹉先生！
I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot!
-在那里，他移♥动♥了。-不，是你在推笼子.
- There, he moved. - No, that was you pushing the cage.
-我没有-不，你有
- I didn't. - Yes, you did
你好，波莉！
Hello, Polly!
醒醒，醒醒！
Wakey, wakey!
起床吧，阳光灿烂。
Rise and shine.
这是您9点的叫醒电♥话♥。
This is your 9:00 alarm call.
这就是我所说的死鹦鹉。
That's what I call a dead parrot.
-不，他惊呆了.-惊呆了？
- No, he's stunned. - Stunned?
是啊，他醒过来的时候你把他惊呆了。
Yeah, you stunned him just as he was wakin' up.
-挪威蓝调很容易让人晕眩。-我受够了。
- Norwegian blues stun easily. - I've had enough of this.