前所未有的表演（1971）

接下来，我吃香蕉。
Next, I eat the banana.
现在，我只想指出……
Now, I would just like to point out...
这部电影显示出一种明显的变傻的倾向。
that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly.
现在，没有人比我更喜欢开怀大笑。
Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do.
或许，除了我的妻子和她的一些朋友。
Except, perhaps, my wife and some of her friends.
哦，是的，还有约翰·森船长。
Oh, yes, and Captain John son.
想想看，大多数人比我更喜欢开怀大笑。
Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do.
但这不是重点。我警告这部电影不要再犯傻了。
But that's beside the point. I'm warning this film not to get silly again.
正确的。现在，局长，听着“停”的命令。
Right. Now, Director, on the command "Cut"...
切入下一个场景。
cut to the next scene.
-导演...-这是一座令人恐惧的城市。
- Director... - This is a frightened city.
等着看吧！
Wait for it!
导演，停！
Director, cut!
这是一座受到惊吓的城市。
This is a frightened city.
在这些街道和这些房♥子的上空，笼罩着一层恐惧的阴影。
Over these streets, over these houses, hangs a pall of fear.
一种丑陋的暴♥力♥活动在该镇盛行。
An ugly kind of violence is rife, stalking the town.
是的，一群老妇人袭击健康的、手无寸铁的年轻人。
Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking fit, defenseless young men.
他们只是走到你跟前推你，就像。
They just come up to you and push you, like.
把你从人行道上推下来。通常有四到五个人。
Shove you off the pavement. There's usually about four or five of them.
是啊，有时候是三四个人。
Yeah, sometimes it's three or four of them.
现在出去逛商店都不安全了。
It's not even safe to go out down to the shops anymore.
奶奶们不分种族、信仰或性别。
Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex.
他们的要求很苛刻。无情的世界..。
Theirs is a harsh. Ruthless world...
一个艰难的世界，一个外科手术袜为王的世界。
a tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king.
但他们在里面做什么，这些年老的罪犯...
But what are they in it for, these senile delinquents...
这些穿着蕾丝的无业游民？
these layabouts in lace?
-哦，暴♥力♥.-主要是声望。
- Oh, the violence. - The prestige, mainly.
-免费赠送礼物。-戳一下膝盖的腹股沟。
- The free gifts. - Poking the knee in the groin.
我们喜欢把羊头拔下来。
We like pulling the heads off sheep.
还有茶点。
And tea cakes.
我们和老奶奶有很多麻烦。养老金日是最糟糕的一天。
We have a lot of trouble with grannies. Pension day is the worst.
他们一拿到钱，就把钱花光了.
Soon as they get it, they blow the lot...
牛奶，茶，糖，一罐肉给他们的猫。
on milk, tea, sugar, a tin of meat for their cat.
问题的症结在于，呃……
The whole crux of the problem, uh...
在于基本的不满。
lies in the basic dissatisfaction...
这些老年罪犯与他们所发现的世界在一起。
of these senile delinquents with the world as they find it.
他们开始质疑，呃，他们社会的价值观。
They begin to question, uh, the values of their society.
他们看着自己的儿女长大..。
They see their sons and daughters growing up...
成为会计师，呃，律师，甚至社会学家。
to become accountants, uh, solicitors, sociologists even.
他们开始怀疑，“这一切都值得吗？这一切都值得吗？”
And they begin to wonder, "Is it all worth it? Is it all..."
破坏公物的另一个主要目标是电♥话♥亭。
Another prime target for vandalism is telephone boxes.
但大多数情况下，他们只是为了好玩而活着。
But mostly, they just live for kicks.
但在国外还有其他类型的暴♥力♥事件。
But there are other kinds of violence abroad...
其他帮派，同样恶毒，同样坚定...
other gangs, equally vicious, equally determined...
比如偷走婴儿的人。
such as the baby snatchers.
嘿，这是什么？
Hey What is this?
嘿!帮助!
Hey! Help!
我让他在外面待了一会儿，我去拿了些布里洛牌的纸巾。
I left him outside for a few moments while I got some Brillo Pads.
当我回来的时候，他已经走了。他才48岁！
When I came back, he was gone. He was only 48!
还有一伙恶毒的“靠左”的牌子。
And also vicious gangs of "Keep Left" signs.
正确的!住手！
Right! Stop that!
这太傻了。的确，非常愚蠢。
It's silly. Very silly, indeed.
一开始是一个关于老妇人攻击年轻人的小点子。
It started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men...
但现在，它只是变得愚蠢起来。
but now it's just got silly.
他的头发对牧师来说也太长了。
His hair's too long for a vicar too.
你可以看出这些不是正确的“靠左行驶”标志。你们都给我滚开！
And you can tell those are not proper "Keep Left" signs. Clear off, the lot of you!
你，跟我来。
You, come with me.
正确的。现在，让我们来看看一些像样的、有军事意义的东西：一些精密钻探。
Right. Now let's see something decent and military: some precision drilling.
小队！安营扎寨！
Squad! Camp it up!
哦，抓住她！哎呀！
Ooh, get her! Whoops!
我有你的电♥话♥号♥码，但你请不起我，亲爱的，2，3。
I've got your number, but you couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.
我会把你的眼睛挖出来。
I'll scratch your eyes out.
别跟我们一起来，那个更大的婊♥子♥。亲爱的。
Don't come the bigger dear bitch with us. dear.
我们都知道你去过哪里，你这个军事仙子，二三个。
We all know where you've been, you military fairy, two, three.
一、二、三、四、五、六。
One, two, three, four, five, six.
哎呀！现在别看，姑娘们。
Whoops! Don't look now, girls.
女仆穿着那身欢快的颜色真是太棒了，中士。
The maid is just mince in that jolly color, Sergeant.
二，三。哦！
Two, three. Ooh!
正确的!别这样了。太傻了。
Right! Stop that. Silly.
而且我觉得有点可疑。动画片时间到了。
And a bit suspect, I think. Time for a cartoon.
从前..。
Once upon a time...
有一位被施了魔法的王子。
there was an enchanted prince...
他统治着这片土地而不是摇摆不定。
who ruled the land beyond the Wobbles.
有一天，他发现自己脸上有一块斑点。
One day he discovered a spot on his face.
愚蠢的是，他忽视了这一点。
Foolishly, he ignored it.
三年后，他死于癌症。
And three years later, he died of cancer.
然而，这个地方却欣欣向荣。
The spot, however, flourished...
很快就开始寻找财富。
and soon set out to seek its fortune.
艾格尼丝，你刚才看到谁搬到隔壁了吗？
Agnes, did you just see who moved in next door?
是。他们就像黑桃王牌一样黑。
Yes. Black as the ace of spades, they were.
哦，好吧，我们的邻居来了。
Oh, well, there goes the neighborhood.
啊，是。
Oh, yes.
下一位，请。
Next, please.
请一次一个来。
One at a time, please.
只有我一个人，先生。
There is only me, sir.
的确如此。带上一个，嗯.
So there is. Take a, um...
-座位？-座位.请坐吧。
- Seat? - Seat. Take a seat.
那么，你想加入我的登山探险队，是吗？
So, you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you?
谁，我，先生？
Who, me, sir?
-好的，我很乐意，先生。-太好了。
- Yes, I'd very much like to, sir. - Jolly good.
那你呢？
And how about you?
只有我一个人，先生。
There is only me, sir.
好吧，那么邦就去申请了。
Well, bang goes his application then.
现在，让我来告诉你。我在带领这支探险队。
Now, let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition...
我们要攀登乞力马扎罗山的两座山峰。
and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
我还以为只有一个山峰呢，先生。
I thought there was only one peak, sir.
井。我节省了一点时间。9~10成熟。
Well. That I save a bit of time. Well done.
现在，今年探险的目标是……
Now, the object of this year's expedition...
就是看看我们能不能找到去年探险的任何痕迹。
is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition.
-去年的探险？-是的.那是我哥哥带头的。
- Last year's expedition? - Yes. My brother was leading that.
他们打算在两座山峰之间建造一座桥。
They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks.
恐怕是我的主意。
My idea, I'm afraid.
我应该告诉你，我几乎有这次探险所需要的一切。
I ought to tell you that I have almost everyone I need for this expedition.
但是你有什么特殊的资格呢？
But what special qualifications do you have?
-嗯，先生……-是的，你先来。
- Well, sir... - Yes, you first.
-只有我，先生.-我不是在跟你说话
- There is only me, sir. - I wasn't talking to you.
-继续。我是一名完全合格的登山运动员。
- Carry on. - I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
登山者?
Mountaineer?
老鼠。蒙..。
Mouse. Moun...
登山者：两个擅长登山的人。
Mountaineer: two men skilled at climbing a mountain.
天哪，那一定很有用。
By Jove, that'd be useful.
好吧，你被录取了。祝贺你。
Well, you're in. Congratulations.
你们两个都是。现在，你们叫什么名字？
Both of you. Now, what are your names?
亚瑟·威尔逊。
Arthur Wilson.
好吧，听着。
Well, look.
我叫你们亚瑟·威尔逊一号♥你们叫亚瑟·威尔逊二号♥。
I'll call you Arthur Wilson One and you Arthur Wilson Two...
只是为了避免混淆。
just to avoid confusion.
你真的在领导这支探险队吗？
Are you actually leading this expedition?
是的，我们正带领这支探险队前往非洲。
Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.
-你们都会走什么路线？-问得好
- What routes will you both be following? - Good questions.
我们会在1月22日的某一天离开...
We'll be leaving on one or other of the January the 22...
并采取以下路线：
and taking the following routes:
从曼彻斯特人，一直到牛津郡。
from Manchesters, down through Oxfords...
沿M1.5高速公路穿过伦敦前往普利...
taking the M1.5 through Londons to Purleys...
然后从Purleys到Dovers的A25高速公路上。
then the A25s from Purleys to Dovers.
从非洲到奈罗比斯。
Thence Africas to Nairobis.
我们沿着奈罗比斯的南路走了大约12英里，然后问。
We take the south roads out of Nairobis for about 12 miles and then ask.
-有人会说斯瓦希里语吗？-大多数人都会说
- Does anyone speak Swahili? - Most of them do down there.
不是的。我们党有人会说斯瓦希里语吗，先生？
No. Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir?
-好吧，护士长还有一点.-除了两个护士长。
- Well, Matron's got a smattering. - Apart from the two Matrons.