设计爱情（2019）

好吧 好吧 在他们把我们赶出去之前再来一次
Okay, okay, one more before they kick us out of here.
我在康复中心的泳池旁按♥摩♥的时候
I'm getting a massage by the pool
接到了一个电♥话♥
at the rehab facility when they bring over a phone
说我的节目被取消了
and tell me my show's been canceled,
我每晚要花5000美元来打扫卫生
and I am getting cleaned out at 5K a night
而我的收入还不到零 对吧
to get cleaned up and I got less than no income, right?
所以 我准备越过栅栏
So, I am ready to bolt over the fence,
当我看到游泳池对面 那个把《老友记》上传到网上的高管
and start making headlines again when I see,
Friends: 《老友记》美国著名电视剧
把脸塞进一个有六个奶酪的墨西哥卷饼里的时候
shoving his face into a six-cheese burrito
我就准备开始写头条了
across the pool, the exec who put Friends on the network.
记住 那是1996
Yeah. Remember, this is '96, which, as I say it,
你们都还没出生呢
is before any of you were born.
那是一个年份 如果你们有人不知道的话
It was a year, in case anyone's wondering, yeah.
《老友记》那时达到了顶峰
And Friends was at its peak.
你们可能不知道《老友记》是什么
Oh, you probably don't know what Friends is.
是一个电视节目哦 然后电视节目是...
Friends is a TV show, and a TV show is,
嗯... 我该怎么解释呢
ah, how do I explain this? Um...
就像是你在盒子上看的更长的Snapchat
It's like a longer Snapchat that you watch on a box
Snapchat: 即时社交软件 多以视频图片形式
但是是在客厅里看
but in the living room.
这家伙吃东西的样子 我以前见过
The way this guy's eating, like I've seen this before,
我感觉到了
I've felt this, right?
如果你无法变得很健美
When you can't get a real fix,
那你接下来最好多摄入碳水化合物
then the next best thing is loading up on carbs,
所以我想帮他一个忙
so I figure I'll do his cholesterol a favor
把他的胆固醇偷偷放进一个小罐子里
and smuggle in a little pot.
在康复计划中没有什么大不了的 对吧
No big deal in the grand scheme of rehab, right,
我们建立了联♥系♥ 虽然对当时28岁的我
and we bond, except to 28-year old me, bonding meant
这种联♥系♥只意味着推销我出色的新电视节目
pitching my brilliant new television show.
所以之后发生了什么
So, what happened next?
那就是故事的不变之处了
Well, that's, that's the constant of the story.
我是说 你就算不问
I mean, presumably I was going to tell it to completion
我也会说完的
even without your question.
天呐 你在电影学校学了四年
Oh my God, four years of film school
他们没有教你必须完成你的叙述吗
they didn't teach you you have to finish your narratives?
我是说 你不能依赖于有傻瓜问你
I mean, you can't rely on some dumbass to ask you
接下来发生了什么
what's going to happen next.
你得自己告诉那个傻子
I mean, you have to tell that dumbass yourself.
不不不 我开玩笑呢 孩子 你挺好的 挺好的
No, no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Kid, you're fine, you're fine.
伙计 我真想加入他们
Man, I want to be a part of that.
永远不要低估好杯托会让你看起来多么酷
Never underestimate how cool a good cup hold makes you look.
是啊 我们这一代不可避免的毁灭
Yeah, the inevitable ruin of our generation,
- 低估杯子能让你看起来有多酷 - 是啊
- underestimating how cool a cup makes you look. - Yeah.
不能是任意一个杯子 一定得是一个很好的杯子
I mean it can't just be any cup. It's got to be a good cup.
这就像 不管我是在闲逛 还是做我自己的事
It's like, ah. Whenever I'm just hanging out, doing my thing,
我不在乎你在看我
I don't care if you're looking.
什么样的混♥蛋♥不拿着任何东西啊
What kind of dick just doesn't hold anything?
我觉得你如果不只喝橙汁你会更酷
I feel like it'd be cooler for you if it wasn't just orange juice.
他们到底在说什么
What can they possibly be saying
能让迈克尔·伯维尔笑
to Michael Burwell to make him laugh?
不知道 可能是个笑话或者趣事吧
I don't know, like a funny joke or an anecdote.
- 我们说完杯子了吗 - 这四年里我们认识的这些人
- Are we done with cups? - In the four years that we've known these people
在任何时候
have they ever, at any point, told you
有和你讲过笑话或者趣事吗
a funny joke or anecdote?
上周 妮可她...
Last week, Nicole she...
不 客观地说
No, I guess objectively, it was just kind of
那只是普通的一句话
words strung together.
我不知道谁是妮可
I don't know who Nicole is.
这些人你一个都不知道
You don't know who any of these people are.
- 那是谁 - 哪个 次贷吗
- Who's that? - Who, subprime?
看 他就提到了“次贷”这个词一次
See? One time he mentions the word "subprime" and for four years,
然后整整这四年里 你就只这么叫他 他在每个...
that's it, that's all you call him. He was in every single...
他说这那个词来自《木乃伊归来》
He said it in reference to The Mummy Returns.
:The Mummy Returns: 《木乃伊归来》美国电影
我真嫉妒你能...
I am so jealous of your ability...
- 是啊 那里没有直通线 - 你完全健忘的天赋
- Yeah, there's no through line, there. - Your gift to be absolutely oblivious.
我是说 次贷吗
But I mean, subprime?
- 吱吱作响的椅子 该死的磁铁 - 磁铁
- Squeaky chair, goddamn magnets. - Magnets.
他们不值得迈克尔·伯维尔花这个时间
They don't deserve Michael Burwell's time.
他为什么还在这儿 毕业典礼已经结束了
I mean, why is he still here? He's done his commencement.
为什么他不直接回家
Why doesn't he just go back home?
我想是学校出钱让他来的
I think the school pays him to be here
你是反对他还是反对学生 怎么突然说这个
and are you against him or the students? Because this isn't tracking.
我反对的是这些孩子会带着
I'm against the idea that these kids are going to leave university and think
他们和好莱坞最佳编剧建立了联♥系♥的想法离开学校
they have the greatest writer in Hollywood as a contact.
就像 你要对他说什么
Like, what do you say to him?
“我的论文对比了你早期
"Yeah, my thesis contrasts your early screenplay
和卡夫卡创作的剧本 哦对了 你能看一下我的剧本吗
work with Kafka, oh by the way, can you read my script?
最后的转折是他正在做梦”
The twist at the end is the guy's dreaming."
切 去死吧
Pfft, get fucked.
这个太棒了 我要用它作为我的开头
That was really good and I'm going to use it as my opener.
那我是说去死还是就...
Now, do I say get fucked or just...
你真的要过去吗
You're actually going to go over there?
是啊 你觉得我们为什么还在这里
Yeah, why do you think we're still here?
我又不像你需要证明什么东西
And I don't have something to prove like you.
我宁愿在我成为一个编剧之后
I would rather just meet and speak with the guy
以平等的身份与他见面交谈
as an equal once I become a writer and not be
而不是这群极其平庸的学生中的一员
a part of this horde of desperately average students.
请永远不要停止对没有任何经验支持的事情
Please, never stop having such strong opinions
有如此强烈的看法
about things with absolutely no experience to back them up.
- 这就是我喜欢你的原因之一 - 是是是
- It is one of the things I love about you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
去吧 我去外面透透气或者洗个脸
Go over there. I'll be outside getting air or splashing
我不知道 就人们做的那些事
water on my face, I don't know, whatever people do.
祝你愉快
Have fun at your big break.
你不想祝我好运吗
You don't want to wish me luck?
不不不 我说过的
No, no, that's sort of what I was saying
这和幸运没什么关系
is that luck has nothing to do with it.
老实说 如果我把那些比我幸运的人的剧本都给复印了
Honestly, just shoot me in the face if I wind up
就朝我开一枪吧
photocopying scripts for people who got luckier than me.
来一根吗
Want one?
不 我不抽烟
Oh, no, I don't smoke.
但是我一定得拿一根
But I'm obviously going to take one.
这是经典电影场景 没有人会对香烟说不 对吧
This is a classic movie scene. No one ever says no to a cigarette, right?
那些孩子让人精疲力竭 是吧
Those kids are exhausting, huh?
只是想要我的建议而已 没什么不对
Just want my advice. Nothing wrong with them.
- 他们没有任何一个人会成功的 - 大部分 是的
- None of them are going to make it. - Most of them, it's true.
我能告诉你为什么吗
Can I tell you why?
爱死这样的问题了 反正不管你怎么样都会告诉我
Love questions like that, because you're going to tell me anyway.
因为他们没有一个是独创的
Because not one of them in there is original.
不仅是他们的写作里 还有他们的生活
In their writing, absolutely not, but in their lives, too.
他们像是一堆参加实地考察的孩子
It's all to come running up to meet you
拿着根该死的跳绳
like a bunch of kids on a field trip
都跑过来见你
holding a fucking skipping rope.
但是你一个人在这里 显然你是有独创性的
But you're out here alone, so, clearly you're original.
和现在这平庸的场景不同
Well, in lieu of the cliché of the scene that's playing out right now,
我知道如果我不做点什么让你有印象的事
I know if I don't do something to impress you, you're going to
你也会走进去之后就忘记我
walk back inside and forget me, too.
失去机会
Opportunity lost.
你有什么计划吗
You got a plan?
有个大纲
Skeleton of a plan.
和谋杀有关吗
Involve murder?
嗯 可能尝试下
Hmm. Attempted maybe.
你是我的英雄 你知道吗
You're a personal hero of mine, see.
也许我得做点疯狂的事来打动你
Maybe I have to do something crazy to impress you.
你有一个比你人看起来强大得多的自信心
You have the confidence of a much larger man.
你怎么知道我不能就这么把你踹你一脚
How do you know I can't just kick the shit out of you?
其实不行 因为我一天大概12个小时对着电脑
And I can't, because I'm in front of a laptop like 12 hours a day.
我们一起去吃冻酸奶怎么样
What do you say we go for a frozen yogurt, instead?
我们去吃冻酸奶 低脂的
We grab a fro-yo, we go with the low-fat,
就像逃脱谋杀一样
that's like getting away with murder.
我不是真的要“杀死”你