僵尸逃生船

This isn't the time.
你为什么要在这事上撒谎
Why would you lie about that?
我觉得他走了
I think he's gone.
这他妈是什么情况
What the hell is going on?
他们看上去像...
They look like...
僵尸
..zombies.
终于有个合理的解释了
Oh, at last, a rational explanation
-把你的手♥机♥给我 -什么
- Give me or phone. - What?
我的手♥机♥在包里 我们得拍个视频上传
Mine was in the bag. We need to post this.
肯定能获得十亿的点赞
That's like a billion likes, right there.
别再扔我的东西了
Stop throwing my stuff!
你知道罗伯还没从阿富汗回来吧
You know Rob's not back from Afghanistan, right?
所以这么做就更没有意义了
So this is even more pointless.
不 他回来了 他在脸书上说了
Yes, he is, it was on Facebook.
什么 什么时候
What? When?
就上个月 我以为你知道呢
Last month. Thought you knew.
没出现在我的消息更新上
Wasn't on my news feed.
-或许他跟你解除好友关系了 -我们依然是朋友
- Well, maybe he unfriended you. - We're still friends.
如果他恰好在 我又无聊了 那就是炮♥友♥
Friends with benefits, if he's around and I'm bored.
现在肯定不是了 他好像在跟朱莉·约翰逊恋爱
Well, not now he's seeing Julie Johnson, presumably.
什么 不可能啊
What? No way!
就算他要找新欢
When he moves on,
也不能跟那个两面三刀的贱逼朱莉·约翰逊在一起
it's not gonna be with that two-faced cow, Julie Johnson.
朱莉 嗨 很高兴见到你
Julie! Hi, so good to see you.
糟了
Shit!
我♥操♥啊
Oh, fuck.
去厕所
Bog!
你不能拿刀捅她
You can't stab her!
她已经死了 而且我以前杀过僵尸
She's dead already! And I've killed zombies before.
那是在游戏里
On Xbox!
你会按向下按钮 并不代表你就能...
Just because you can press the down button, doesn't mean...
我知道该怎么做
I know what I'm doing.
《使命召唤》不是现实生活
Call Of Duty isn't real life!
-是技能 -是游戏
- It's a skill set. - It's a game!
那是电子竞技
It's an esport!
感觉真的好奇怪
That felt really weird!
根本没扎进去
It didn't even go in!
我感觉到刮了一下
I felt it scrape!
天呐 好多血啊
Oh, God, look at all the blood.
天呐 我觉得我扎到骨头了 应该扎到骨头了
Oh, God, I think I hit a bone, I think I hit a bone!
都溅到我身上了
I've got some on me!
-你得再扎深点 -这是切面包的刀
- You need to go deeper. - It is a bread knife!
快扎
Do it.
-用这个 -好...
- Try this! - Ok, ok...
真对不起
Oh, I'm so sorry.
别道歉 你得使劲才行
Don't apologise, you've got to mean it!
想想她以前那些婊里婊气的话
Think of all her bitchy comments.
-我的手有点疼... -拜托 我♥操♥
- My hand's tingly... - Oh, come ON!
-你来吧 -不不 你做得挺好的
- You do it. - No, no, no, you're doing great.
就是她跟马克·杰克逊说你在单车课上放屁了
She's the one who told Mark Jackson you farted in spin class.
她还发了一张照片
She posted that photo
显得你有一只眼睛斜视
that made you look like you've got a lazy eye!
她从四月开始就跟罗伯上♥床♥了
She's been shagging Rob since April!
-我们三月才分手 -就是啊
- We only broke up in March! - I know!
我恨你 朱莉·杰克逊
I hate you, Julie Jackson!
我杀了她
I killed her.
她本来就已经死了
She was dead already.
还是个贱逼
And a cow.
但他们跟《行尸走肉》里的僵尸差不多
But they move like Walking Dead zombies,
头部攻击应该能杀死她才对啊
head wound should've killed her.
他们不是《行尸走肉》里的僵尸
They are NOT Walking Dead zombies!
他们是真的僵尸
They are real zombies!
这不是游戏
This isn't a game.
这是现实 有真实的死亡 和真实的警♥察♥
This is real life, with real death, and real policemen,
警♥察♥马上就要来找我问话了
who I'm gonna talk to right now.
乔 别走 我们不该分开
Jo, don't go, we shouldn't split up!
怎么 这又是僵尸准则吗
What's that, another zombie rule?
所有恐怖片里都提到过这点
It's in every horror film ever made.
别进树林里 别进地下室
Don't go into the woods, don't go down to the cellar,
别分开
don't split up!
但逃离僵尸世界末日的办法
But do escape the zombie apocalypse
就是开着世界上最慢的船
by sailing the slowest boat in the world
通过运河逃出伯明翰吗
on a canal out of Birmingham?
你这样断章取义听起来当然很蠢 乔
Well, everything sounds stupid out of context! Jo!
乔
Jo!
乔
Jo!
肯定是因为病毒什么的 狂犬病...
Must be a virus or something. Rabies...
你先是在车票时间上撒谎了...
First, you lie to me about your ticket...
我们得离开伯明翰
We need to get out of Birmingham.
然后你在优步车上用了10分钟时间
..then you spend ten minutes in an Uber,
告诉我你有多讨厌全新的我
telling me how much you hate the new me!
-我们需要一辆车 -你在听我说话吗
- We need a car. - Are you even listening?
-什么 -你当然没听
- What? - Course not.
你为什么要听一个头发像是画上去的健身兔的话呢
Why would you listen to a gym bunny with drawn-on hair?
什么 你昨晚在优步车里就是那么叫我的
What? That's what you called me last night in the Uber!
我当时喝醉了 很可能是在开玩笑
I was drunk, I was probably joking.
显然不是在拿你的头发开玩笑
Not about the hair, obviously.
听着 我懂的 老兄
Look, I get it, man.
我有了腹肌 皮肤光滑无暇 看着不一样了
I look different with the abs and the skin clarity,
但站在这里的还是我 你的老朋友
but it's still me in here, your oldest friend.
你是涂了粉底吗
Are you wearing foundation?
是的 因为我追求进步 做个精致男孩 桑尼
Yes, because I've improved myself, Sunny,
如果你能别整天赖在沙发上 也可以做到
and you could, too, if you ever got of your sofa.
这话听起来会有些奇怪 阿玛尔
This is gonna sound strange, Amar,
但我可不想当巨石强森的印度双胞胎兄弟
but I don't aspire to be The Rock's Indian twin.
我可不想把钱都用来买♥♥蛋白质饮品
I don't want to spend my money on protein shakes.
我不需要早上晚上都忙着去角质
I don't need to exfoliate morning and night.
我只想回到家中 把门关上
I just wanna get home and shut the door!
跑 快跑
Go, go!
-好吧 或许他们的确是僵尸 -你才知道吗
- OK, maybe they are zombies! - You think?
谢天谢地
Oh, thank God.
你好
Hello?
你好
Hello?
我好讨厌她说对了的时候
I hate it when she's right.
没有拨号♥音 妈的
No dial tone, shit!
网络能连上 我可以给他们发邮件
Internet's working. I'll email them.
我们可等不及警♥察♥查看收件箱
I don't think we've got time for the police to check their inbox.
-你还有更好的主意吗 -目前吗 没有
- Got a better idea? - Currently? No.
「伯明翰全城封锁」 点击看一下
"Birmingham in lockdown"? Click on that.
欢迎注册使用独家SIM套餐
无限流量 供您尽享
-我还得注册电♥话♥月卡 -快注册啊
- I have to sign up to a monthly call plan. - Do it!
-我用的是按量付费的 -集中注意解决眼下的危机
- I'm pay-as-you-go! - Focus on the situation.
好了 把你的卡给我
OK, erm... Give me your card.
我这个月入不敷出 我做了个水疗 好吗
Well, I'm a bit over this month. I had a spa day, OK?
你还欠我50镑呢 竟然有钱去做水疗
You still owe me 50 quid and you went to a spa?
集中注意解决眼下的危机
Focus on the situation.
-快点啊 -我打字很慢
- Hurry up! - I'm a slow typer!
老天啊 重新输入
Oh, man! Start again.
滚开 你给的压力太大 快让我崩溃了
Back off! You're stressing me out!
好吧
Ok...
现在的选择有9.99镑包月
We've got the ￡9.99,
只有卡 无限短♥信♥ 2G的流量
SIM only, unlimited texts, 2GB of data.
19.99镑包月 40G流量 5000分钟通话
￡19.99, which does boast 40 gig, and 5,000 minutes.
-我不在乎 -我只是想帮你省钱而已
- I don't care. 0 I'm just trying to save you money!
好了 点进去了 这上面说...
OK, we're in. It says...
恭喜您赢得了小岛度假的大奖
我们赢得了度假的机会
We've won a holiday!
快出来 快走
Get out, get out!
滚
Oh, fuck off!
闭嘴
Shut up.
如果你还想活着 就跟我走
Come with me, if you want to live.