新阴阳魔界

The Twilight Zone S01E01

Part 1 May 18, 2020, 11:38 a.m.

疯狂时代啊疯狂时代
It s crazy tI'mes, guys, crazy tI'mes.
一边的人在说
So one side is saying,
"大家都在拿机♥枪♥互相厮杀
"Hey, people are killing each other with machine guns.
或许普通平民不该持有机♥枪♥
"Maybe normal civilians shouldnt have machine guns,
只有在战场上的士兵可以拥有机♥枪♥"
and only soldiers who are in an active ground war."
而另一边在说
And then the other side is saying,
"你不能拿走我们的机♥枪♥
"Well, you cant take away machine guns
因为有第二修正案
"because of the Second Amendment.
第二修正案你不能管控枪♥支♥
"The Second Amendment, you cant regulate guns
因为有第二修正案"
because of the Second Amendment."
所以我们捋清楚你的论点是
So, to be clear, your argument is
枪♥支♥是不应该被管控的
that guns should have no regulations on them
因为有第二修正案
because of the Second Amendment,
尽管它的开头就是
which literally starts with the words,
"管控妥当的"
"A well regulated."
开头真的就是这个词
Thats literally how it starts!
整条修正案一共就27个词
And the whole amendment has 27 words,
其中三个词就是"管控
and three of them are "a," "well,"
妥当的"
and "regulated."
占了11.1%
Thats 11.1%, folks.
知道吗
You know?
我知道他在想什么
I know what this guys thinking.
他在想"萨米尔
This guys like, "But, Samir,
11.1%不算很多"
11.1% isnt that much."
埃迪斯喜剧俱乐部
但想象你在一架飞机上
But I'magine You're on a plane,
飞到一半时
and halfway through your journey,
飞行员过来说
the pilot comes on and he's like,
"各位经典的好消息坏消息情景
"Hey, folks. "Classic good news, bad news.
好消息我们能把你送到
"Good news, well be getting you
89%的地方
89% of the way there.
坏消息是不然的话
Bad news, that puts us
我们只能降落在大西洋底"
at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
好吧我的时间到了谢谢各位
All right. Thats my tI'me. Thank you.
艾尔廉价威士忌
Hey, Al. Uh, something cheap and brown.
不要冰
No ice.
不错啊蒂芙
Looking good, Tiff. Huh?
-今天是特殊的日子吗 -太棒了谢谢
- Special occasion, huh? Come on. - Perfect. Thank you.
别烦我
Leave me alone.
我给你说点新材料
Let me try some new stuff on you.
他们为什么叫我掘墓人
Hey, why do they call me the gravedigger, huh?
因为我想把脸埋进你的胸脯里
Cause I'd like to bury my face in those boobs.
好吧
Okay. Okay.
好吧如果你需要给你点建议
Okay, heres some advice if you want some:
或许你该试试加入点笑话
maybe you should try putting some jokes in there.
我不讲猫狗对比纽约和洛杉矶对比
Yeah, well, I don't want to do jokes about cats versus dogs,
航♥空♥食物
and New York versus L.A.,
种族刻板印象之类的笑话
and airline food, and ethnic stereotypes, okay?
迪迪如果你不引发思考
Didi? If you don't make people think,
你的喜剧就没有意义
your comedys never going to matter.
等等
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
人们喜欢我的表演
People like my act, okay?
我有5.9万粉丝呢
I have 59,000 followers. Mm-hmm.
那么我该学乔·唐纳
So I should be more like Joe Donner
-去杀人吗 -拜托怎么了
- and murder some people? - Come on, what?
-来嘛咱俩喝瓶啤酒 -不了谢谢
- Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer. - No, thanks.
来嘛宝贝
Come on, baby.
得了他没有啦
Come on, he didn't.
他没有
He didn't.
怎么了
What?
法律系统判定他没杀人
The legal system ruled it wasnt murder.
是啊那是他们搞砸了
Yeah, they fucked that up.
但你知道吗
But you know what?
这正是你的问题萨米尔
That is exactly your problem, Samir.
搞笑就是搞笑
Funny is funny.
那人
And that dude--
不是说你但那人
not you, but that dude--
就很搞笑
is funny.
-懂吗 -这是我的酒
- Okay? - No, thats...
好吧聊得很开心
Okay. Well, good talk.
你能不能把刚才说的话整理成邮件
Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail
然后寄给大海
and, uh, send it to the ocean?
当然可以你能不能舔我的逼
Yeah, sure. Hey, could you suck my vagina?
粉丝并不重要
What matters is not followers.
-重要的是增长的... -总收入
- What matters is adjusted... - Gross income.
是啊我们都知道JC·惠...
Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel...
JC·惠勒
JC Wheeler.
正是在下
In the fleshy flesh.
天哪我...
Oh, man, I--
我我特别喜欢你
Hey, can-- hey, I am such a fan of yours.
我知道大家都很喜欢你但我特别喜欢...
I mean, I know everyones a fan of yours, but I'm the...
-谢谢你 -你过得如何
- Thank you. - Hows your day?
你最近在忙什么
What've you been doing?
你当初可谓是家喻户晓结果却忽然销声匿迹
Man. You were everywhere and then you just disappeared.
你那么成功为什么要消失呢
You had it all. What happened?
我太成功了
I had it all.
-我看到你的演出了 -真的吗
- Hey, I saw your set. - Oh, you did?
天哪你完全可以让我滚
Oh, man-- feel free to tell me to go fuck myself,
但如果你有任何意见
but if you have any notes for me
或者其他想法我愿意付出一切
or anything, Ill give you anything.
我的狗可以送你
Ill give you my dog.
其实也不是我的狗是我女朋友的狗
Well, its not my dog. Its my girlfriend's dog.
但是我们从高中时就在一起
But we've been dating since high school,
所以也算是我的狗了
so its basically my dog.
不管是我的狗还是她的狗狗就是狗
My dog, her dog. Dog's a dog.
你想要就是你的狗
Your dog if you want it.
你看这几句话就很好笑
See, all this shit is funny.
要我说比宪法第二修正案要好笑多了
Funnier than the Second Amendment, Ill tell you that.
很显然好笑的不是第二修正案
Well, obviously, its not the amendment that's funny.
好笑的是那些人的曲解...
What I find funny is the fraudulent...
下一个
Next.
什么
What?
下一个话题
Next topic.
挺好笑的
Thats funny.
不过说真的你要是有给我的点评...
But seriously, if you have any notes for me, you know...
-你想要点评吗 -想
- You want notes? - Yeah.
别说政♥治♥了
Fuck politics.
观众并不在乎你的看法
The audience don't care about what you think.
他们在乎的是你
They care about you.
好
Right.
我知道大家都说
Yeah, I know everyone says
做喜剧要讲究事实加入个人因素
be personal, truth in comedy,
但你不觉得这是一种逃避吗
but don't you think thats a bit of a cop-out?
观众不想听你讲大道理
The audience doesn't want to hear you make points.
你跟一个高中女孩在一起
You dating a high school girl?
这才叫有趣
Now thats interesting.
我没有跟一个高中女孩在一起我们...
I'm not dating a high school girl. We...
这才是喜剧
Now that's comedy.
但那不是很恶心的哗众取宠吗
Right, but isn't that gross and exhibitionistic?
难道重点不应该是揭露
Isn't the whole point to provide insight
人类社会的现状吗
into the human condition?
揭露现状
Provide insight, huh.
你想要什么
What do you want?
你对自己的生活满意吗
Are you happy with your life?
对自己的事业满意吗
With your career?
你难道不想功成名就吗
Don't you want it all?
当然这是我最渴望的事
Yes. More than anything.
你拥有一种东西
You have one thing.
一种天然资源
One natural resource.
你是一个只出口一种货物的国家
You are a country with one export.
那就是你