大北方（2021）

Alaska aloha to you, Junkyard Kyle.
我有这些生锈的剃刀 我们本来打算
I have those rusty razors that we were planning to...
你在躲我吗 凯尔
Are you avoiding me, Kyle?
什么 没有 你想多了
What? No, that's crazy.
我只是现在很忙
I'm just very busy right now.
好吧 忙啥
Okay, with what?
我在牙医那里
Well, I'm at the dentist.
不 你没有 你就在这
No, you're not. You're right here.
-我只是来放下... -我也希望我能收下
- I just came to drop off... - Wish I could take 'em,
但 我们关门了 所以你该走了 好吗
but, uh, we're closed, so get out of here, okay?
不 该死 你们关门啦
Oh, no, dang, you're closed?
对的 我们关门了
Uh, yes, we are closed.
我们没有真的关门 我只是在躲比夫
We aren't really closed, I'm just avoiding Beef.
过来这边 我给你看看我的关门标志
Come over here, let me show you my closed sign.
各位 我们快解决这个案子了
Guys, we've almost solved the case.
我们唯一未知的就是是谁做的和作案动机
And the only thing we don't know is who did it or why.
似乎我确实需要你们帮我洗脱罪名
Guys, turns out I need you to clear my name after all.
你们说对了 人们对我的态度和以前不一样了
You were right. People are treating me differently.
废品回收站凯尔今天甚至都不让我进门
Junkyard Kyle wouldn't even let me in her junkyard today.
凯尔 就是那个
Kyle, huh? The same Kyle
发现靴子时正好在薇拉家的凯尔吗
who was actually at Vera's when the boot was discovered?
也正是那个发现靴子的人 现在她开始躲避你
And who, in fact, discovered it? And now she's avoiding you?
你们的关系到底是什么
What exactly is the nature of your relationship?
我会把我用过的剃刀给凯尔
Well, I give Kyle my used razors.
她周五的时候过来拿
She came over to pick them up on Friday,
但我还在厕所拿的时候她就走了
but she left while I was getting them from the bathroom.
那么情况是这样 她突然离开
So let me get this straight. She left abruptly,
没有解释 就在上周五
without a word, from this house, this past Friday?
-你知道我怎么想的吗 -我也想知道 宝贝
- You know what I think? - I wish, babe,
但你美丽脑袋里神秘莫测的角落
but the mystery corners of your beautiful mind
到我死的那天我都捉摸不透
will keep me guessing till the day I die.
我们得和废品回收站凯尔聊聊
We got to go talk to Junkyard Kyle,
接着去到"隆慕斯闹剧"
then get down to the Lone Moose Mischief
为我们夺回一些隆慕斯公道
to get ourselves some Lone Moose justice.
谢谢各位到来
Thank you all for coming.
我知道我刚刚吼过你们夺走了我的壁画
I know I kind of yelled at you earlier about taking my mural
但一切都截然不同了
away from me, but everything is different now.
我发现桑迪·弗拉茨不只是学校主管
I found out Sandy Flarts isn't just the superintendent.
她同时也是弗拉茨家族公♥司♥的继承人
She's also the heiress to Flarts Family, Inc.
不 她真是身兼数职 太辛苦了
Oh, no. She's spreading herself too thin.
弗拉茨家族公♥司♥就是生产
Flarts Family, Inc. is the company that makes
女厕所里束带垫的公♥司♥
those belted pads in the girls' bathroom.
在70年代由于自黏卫生棉出现
They took a huge hit in the '70s when self-adhesive pads
他们损失惨重 然而没有实行需要花钱的
were invented, and instead of modernizing,
现代化改造
which would have cost them money
他们找到了还会购买♥♥他们产品的地方
they found places who would still buy their product,
比如车辆管理局 动物园和公立学校
like DMVs and zoos and public schools.
那就是为什么她不喜欢我们壁画的原因
That's why she didn't like our mural.
这会影响她的资产
It messes with her fortune.
-这是腐♥败♥ -这确实就是腐♥败♥的定义
- That's corrupt. - It's literally the definition of corrupt.
在我刚才搜索的时候发现了
As I discovered earlier when I looked it up.
这远超过了我的创意或你的创意
This is bigger than my idea or your idea.
艺术本身被胁迫了
Art itself is being threatened.
我们必须保护它
We must protect it from
不被贪婪的企业噤声的困境中拯救出来
being silenced by corporate greed.
就是说继续画壁画了
So the mural is back on?
差不多吧
Sort of.
桑迪特别明确我们不允许画那幅壁画
Sandy explicitly said that we weren't allowed to paint the mural,
但她没有禁止我们成为壁画
but she never said anything about being the mural.
撤回文章
A retraction, huh?
撤回文章是那些搞错事情的人需要做的事
Retractions are for people who get things wrong.
我从来不会搞错
I never get things wrong.
这次你错了 上周 你报道了比夫
You did this time. Last week, you reported that Beef left
把他的靴子留在了薇拉的草坪上 但那不是事实
his boot on Vera's property, but that's not what happened.
你知道吗 凯尔和薇拉一直以来有一个传统
You see, Kyle and Vera have a longstanding tradition
-她们称之为 -沙拉星期五
- they call... - Salad Fridays.
我的职责就是知道每个人的情况
It's my business to know everyone's business.
没错 并且她们总是会在维拉家过沙拉星期五
Right, and they always have Salad Friday's at Vera's.
之前凯尔一直觉得这样挺好的
And that was always okay with Kyle, until it wasn't.
直到上周她壮着胆子建议
Last week, she made the bold move of suggesting
薇拉一起去废品堆放场过沙拉日
to Vera that they have salad at the junkyard,
但是薇拉拒绝了她
but Vera turned her down.
对她说自己没有办法安心地吃下莴苣
Said she wouldn't be able to gum her romaine in peace
如果周围都是废品
surrounded by all my junk.
这番话让我很难过
That hurt my feelings.
她在去薇拉家的路上顺便去了趟比夫家
She stopped over at Beef's on the way to Vera's
拿他用过的剃须刀
to get his used razors.
但当他去取东西时 她看见有双全新的
But when he went to retrieve them, she saw a brand-new pair
靴子摆在柜台上
of boots just sitting there on the counter.
-然后她想到了个主意 -比夫说这双靴子太大
- And she got an idea. - He said they were too big.
他会把它们直接塞到衣柜里
He was just gonna shove them in the closet.
她的计划 把靴子扔到薇拉的院子里
Her plan? She was gonna toss the boot on Vera's yard
然后就说"薇拉 现在谁才是收废品的人
and then be like, "Ugh, Vera, who owns a junkyard now?
是你 因为你家的院子里才真有垃圾"
You do, 'cause there's actual junk in your yard."
接着 她像是着了魔一样
Next thing she knew, like a woman possessed,
手里拿着一只靴子走到薇拉家
she was walking up to Vera's, boot in hand.
但她出现了两个重大失误 一是没投准
But her plan had two major flaws: one, she has bad aim.
你好 园丁
'Ello, gardener.
我的天
Oh, big baby Jesse.
第二是 她不知道薇拉
And two, she didn't know that Vera
早已对比夫不满了
already had beef with Beef.
是三十多年前滑雪橇发生的意外事件
It was a sledding incident, over 30 years ago.
那女人记仇的本事可是一流
The way that woman holds a grudge is a thing of beauty.
这就是为什么我会在废品场躲着你
That's why I turned you away at the junkyard.
我不知道怎么面对我做的这种事情
I just couldn't face what I'd done.
这还是头一次
Well, this is a first.
看来不撤回是没办法了
It looks like a retraction is in order.
明天会这样报道 "我们此前报道说靴子
It'll run tomorrow: "We previously reported the boot
可能是比夫·托宾的
may have belonged to Beef Tobin.
事实上 这只靴子确实是他的"
In fact, the boot definitely belonged to Beef Tobin."
呃 严格来说这是事实
Yep, well, that's technically true.
但是有关我根本没有犯罪的报道呢
But what about the part where I didn't commit the crime?
我觉得可以加进去
I guess I can throw that in.
-我们做到了 -猫头鹰与欢乐鱼
- Got 'em! - Hootie & the Yay-fish!
-好吧 -这个案子让我精疲力尽了
- All right. - This case really did me in.
我得离开一段时间
I got to go away for a while.
如果你们需要我 放一只靴子到到草坪上
If you need me, put a boot on a lawn.
-这是什么 -今天是谁的生日吗
- What's that? - Is it someone's birthday?
我的天
Oh, my gosh,
这条暗示着月经的路会通向哪里
wherever does this metaphorical trail of menses lead?
-天 -看呐
- Oh, boy. - Behold.
阴♥道♥在流泪 它为什么难过
The vagina weeps. Why the long face?
因为我被迫穿着裤型的卫生巾
Because I am forced to sit upon a sanitary napkin
它还是连着带子 而我想要的
attached to a belt, and all I crave
是一款时髦的流行的棉条
is a sleek, modern tampon.
或者月经杯
Or a DivaCup.
悲哀 悲哀啊 悲哀的阴♥道♥
Woe, woe. Woe betide the vagina.
是谁这么诅咒你
Who curses you so?
我真恨我自己当时退社了
I am so mad at myself for quitting this club.
是桑迪·弗拉茨 学校的管♥理♥员♥
'Twas Sandy Flarts, the school superintendent.
她用我们的流下的血赚黑心钱
She makes her blood money from my actual blood.
她反对我们的壁画
She silenced our mural.
但是她不能阻止我们集体的阴♥道♥表演
But she can't silence our collective vagina.
要艺术不要弗拉茨 要艺术不要弗拉茨
No Flarts in our arts, no Flarts in our arts.
顺便说下 我是感冒小方块
And also, by the way, I'm the cube for the common cold.
大家觉得这传达了我的意思吗
Was that-- Did people feel that was coming across?
我要你立刻到办公室来见我
I need to see you in my office, now.
我没有那么多椅子给你们所有人坐
I don't have enough chairs for all of you,
所以把你们的女士方舟带上
so bring the Arkette.
我猜猜 你会因为我们发声而开除我们
Let me guess: You're gonna expel us all for speaking out,
因为你受肮脏的桑迪·弗拉茨控制