第一足球队

在足联资格赛
Now, before the Concacaf qualifiers
踢苏里南那些骗子之前
against those Suriname cheats,
你需要一个疗程的抗疟疾药片
you're going to need a course of anti-malaria tablets, all right?
还要打狂犬疫苗
And a rabies shot.
照相吧
Photo?
天啊 而且离得很远
Jesus Christ! And it's fucking miles away!
不 爸爸 你为什么要拍这个
Oh, no. Oh, Dad, what have you done that for?
这已经不是开玩笑了 我的朋友
This has gone beyond a joke now, my mate.
他在日光浴床上大汗淋漓
He's got his sweaty feet up on a sunbed somewhere
而我们的赛季直线下滑
while our season goes down the khazi!
你是说他离开了对板凳球员的训练
So you're telling me he's left training
转而去度假了
to Boothie and gone on holiday?
没错
Correct!
你们都知道我在俱乐部内有线人
Now, you lot all know that I've got sources inside the club.
关注我的推特
Follow me on Twitter.
@更衣室内
@InsideDazzer.
我现在说话要极其谨慎
So I've got to choose my words very, very carefully here.
但是
But...
切萨雷
...Cesare...
你是我们俱乐部的毒瘤
...you are a cancer on our club.
我求你
And I am begging you,
赶紧滚出我们的俱乐部
get the fuck out of our club,
你这个懒惰高龄的意大利狗屎...
you lazy, senile Italian piece of...!
你完蛋了
Oh, you're fucked.
他们出♥售♥你之后 能把你的编号♥给我吗
Can I have your squad number when they sell you?
是奥利维亚 不知道她想干什么
It's Olivia. Wonder what she wants.
我不知道 你觉得是关于什么的 杰克
I've no idea. What do you think it could be about, Jack?
该死 我得让我爸爸
Oh, shit. I've got to get my dad
把这视频撤下来 我得走了
to take this down. I'd better go.
没错 你快去吧 回头见
Yeah, you'd better. See you later.
-但我能走吗 -你当然能走了
- Can I go, though? - Course you can go.
-我用征得皮蒂的允许吗 -不用
- Do I need to ask Petey's permission? - No.
-皮蒂不会介意吗 -去吧
- Petey won't mind? - Just go.
-你不能替我去吗 -我不需要去
- Can't you go instead? - I don't need to go, do I?
如果你要走的话 走就行了
If you need to leave, just leave.
你能去问问皮蒂我能不能走吗
Can you ask Petey if I can go?
-我不去 你去问 -但他有可能会拒绝
- Me? No. You ask. - Yeah, but he might say no and...
我得走了
Well, I've got to go.
-那就走吧 -当然
- Then go. - Yeah, course.
你们帮我向皮蒂打掩护 好吗
All right, you lot cover for me with Petey, yeah?
该死
Shit.
我们该告诉皮蒂什么
What are we going to tell Petey?
我们把他弄丢了
That we lost him?
那边是别人的花♥园♥
That's just someone else's garden over there.
是奥利维亚
Oh, it's Olivia.
天啊 听我说 我知道你喜欢她
Oh, fuckin' hell. Listen, I know you fancy her,
但请别接电♥话♥
but please don't answer the phone.
如果她想跟我说点别的事呢
What if she wants to talk to me about something else?
没错 她可能给你打电♥话♥向你求婚
Yeah. She's probably ringing to ask you to marry her.
拜托
Please.
你们还没弄完吗
You not finished yet?
如果我们能有这家伙的话 很快就能弄完
We'll get it done quickly now, Petey, thanks to that thing.
你们不能用这个
Oh, you can't use this, nah.
这上面的泥特别难清理
The shovel's a bastard to clean when there's mud on it.
总之你们干完之后 到楼下来游个泳
Anyway, when you're done, come downstairs and have a swim.
我那里有啤酒 保姆做了些玉米饼
I've got some cold beers. The cleaner's made some tacos.
我去准备烧烤
And I'll get the barbecue going.
你们干得越快 就能越早去游泳池
The quicker you're done, the quicker you can get in that pool.
我没带泳裤
I didn't bring any trunks.
我有多余的泳裤 你个傻子
I've got spare trunks, you wombat!
我有这么一个大别♥墅♥ 还有个脱衣舞娘
Think I've got this massive house and a stripper for a bird
我能没有多余的泳裤吗
and I don't have spare trunks?
赶紧动起来
Now, chop chop.
挖起来
Dig dig.
这简直是噩梦 已经2000点赞了
This is a nightmare. It's hit 2,000 likes.
告诉皮蒂你有事情要去解决
Bro, just tell Petey you need to bounce to sort something.
他不会介意的
He won't mind.
是吗 当然了
Yeah? Yeah, course.
干得漂亮
Well done, boys.
拿瓶啤酒 去游泳吧
Now grab a beer and have a swim.
皮蒂 我可能要去...
Oh, Petey, I-I-I... I... I might have to...
这个...
This-This...
这件事
This thing's...
你知道的 我要去...
You know, I-I've... I've got to...
-快说 雨人 -没什么
- Spit it out, Rain Man. - Nothin'.
好 这是你的泳裤
Right, here's your trunks.
是根据我的大鸡鸡量身定做的
They're tailor-made for my massive wanger,
对你们来说应该很宽松
so should be nice and roomy for you lot.
就剩这几条了
All I had left.
你这种小鸡鸡应该能穿得上
Should be enough to cover your tiny dick, though.
开玩笑的 中等尺寸
Only joking. It's completely average.
但我注意到你的蛋蛋很小
Though I have noticed your balls are small.
我穿自己的内♥裤♥挺好的
OK. Well, I'll be fine in my underpants.
什么 你不能穿着你有污渍内♥裤♥进我的泳池
What? You're not getting in my pool in your skiddy kecks.
我穿着我自己的内♥裤♥
I'd just be more comfortable in my own underwear
会比穿着这条儿童泳裤更舒服
than these children's Speedos.
但你在我泳池里洗你的内♥裤♥我会很不舒服
But I'll be less comfortable with your shit washing round my pool.
皮蒂 我内♥裤♥上没有污渍
Petey, I promise you, I don't have skids in my pants.
证明一下
Prove it.
-什么 -证明一下
- W-What? - Prove it.
除非你证明你的内♥裤♥上没有污渍
You're not getting in my pool in those pants
否则你不能穿着它进我的泳池
until you prove your kecks haven't got skids.
好吧 我不进泳池了
Fine. I won't go in the pool.
你必须要进泳池
Oh, you're going in the fucking pool.
没人能不尊重我的招待
No-one disrespects my hospitality.
好吧
Fine.
这是我的内♥裤♥
Here are my pants.
非常干净
Yeah. Clean as a whistle.
你可以去了
You're good to go.
我这辈子从没这么不放松过
I've never felt less relaxed in my entire life.
加纳的事情还没解决
Instead of sorting out this Ghana shit,
我还被困在泳池里了
I'm trapped in a very nice pool.
圭亚那 而且我们没被昆仲
Guyana. And we're not trapped.
那你跟皮蒂说你要走了
You tell Petey we're leaving, then.
我肯定不会这么做的
Obviously, I'm not gonna do that.
好了 过来擦干净吧
Right. Come over here and dry off.
我给你们准备了惊喜
I've got some surprises for you.
我希望惊喜是我们可以回家了
I hope the surprise is we can go home.
感觉就像我们被软禁了一样
It feels like we're under house arrest.
好 惊喜一号♥
Right. Surprise number one.
我希望你们不是素食主义者
I hope you nonces aren't vegans.
我这些牛排是从科罗拉多送过来的
I got these steaks all the way from Colorado.
我认识一个人 把牛运了过来 然后宰了
This bloke I know flies the cows in and then kills them
就在路边
just down the road.
这顿午餐的碳排放量一定是有史以来最大的
Wow. This lunch might have the biggest carbon footprint of all time.
你最好相信
You better believe it.
不会有克里斯·布思对你们的那种紧张感 对吧
Wouldn't get a tight prick like Chris Booth treating you like this, eh?
尝尝
Tuck in.
-沙拉怎么样 -沙拉挺好的 谢谢你
- How's the salad? - Salad's great, thank you.
玛丽亚很会做菜
Yeah. Maria's a legend in the kitchen.
没什么好看的 但是简妮女士坚持要雇丑女人
Not much to look at, but Lady Jane insists on hiring mingers
因为我上次被抓到和保姆搞在一起
since I got caught drilling the nannies.
生活就是如此
C'est la vie.
特别的盐 对吗
Special salt, is it?
不 这是抗衣原体的抗生素
No. It's a chlamydia antibiotic.
是为我女朋友准备的
It's for the wife.
这样的话她就能治愈 我也不用悲伤了
This way she gets cured and I don't get the grief.
她不知道的不会伤害到她
What she don't know can't hurt her.
除了衣原体
Apart from chlamydia.
谁来猜猜皮蒂的下一件惊喜是什么
Now, who can guess what the next Petey surprise is?