第一足球队

抱歉这件事要在周一 但是我要把马蒂·沙利文
Sorry to do this on a Monday, but I need to send Mattie Sullivan
送到你那儿去 因为有章鱼情况
over to you regarding an octopus situation.
很好 谢谢
Great. Thanks.
章鱼情况是什么
What's an octopus situation?
性骚扰同事
Sexual harassment of a colleague.
你知道人力资源办公室在哪儿吗
You know where the HR office is?
这一队的变♥态♥都没事
Out of the whole squad of deviants,
我却得到了口头警告
I'm the one that gets the verbal warning?
性规则让人困惑
Sex rules are baffling.
如果我们都变成重生处♥男♥ 可能会安全一点
It's probably safer if we all become born-again virgins.
没有性生活是我自愿的 我要专注于职业生涯
It's a self-imposed dry patch. I've been focusing on my career.
我现在很紧张 昨晚和姑娘一起泡澡来着
I'm nervous now. Hot-tubbed a girl last night.
她去找媒体怎么办
What if she goes to the press?
请别告诉我泡澡是委婉的说法
Please tell me that hot-tubbed isn't a euphemism.
不是 我们在真实的浴缸里做了
Nah. We done it in my actual hot tub.
-你卧室的那个吗 -是的
- The one in your bedroom? - Yeah, boy!
她出去之后
And let's just say, when she got out,
里面的液体比之前更多了
there was a lot more liquid in there than before. Ha-ha!
-因为她尿身上了吗 -不 但确实很狂野
- Because she pissed herself? - No. But it got mad kinky.
我不信 听着像扯淡
I'm not buying it. Sounds like bullshit.
在今早的谈话之后
You should probably give her a call, you know,
你最好给她打个电♥话♥
after that chat this morning and everything.
如果她是真实存在的 给她打个电♥话♥
Yeah. If she's real, give her a call.
她是真的 我现在就打
Oh, she's real. And I'm calling her now.
怎么了
What?
甜心 你怎么样 甜心
Sweetheart. How's it going, sweetheart?
别叫我甜心
Don't call me sweetheart.
宝贝 听着 昨晚太美好了
Babes, listen. Last night was sick,
但不能告诉别人
but it has to stay between me and you.
-那你妈妈呢 -开玩笑 开得不错
- And your mum? - Ha-ha. Banter. Good one.
但说真的 俱乐部不想
But seriously, club wouldn't want to
在报纸上看到我的名字
see my name splashed all over the papers.
本杰 我想你保证我不会说出去
Benji, I can guarantee our story is safe with me.
很好
Cool. Cool.
因为我想告诉媒体来着 但没人感兴趣
Because I tried selling it, and no-one's interested.
结果发现你就是个无名小卒
Turns out you're a fucking nobody.
不是喀麦隆的大卫·贝克汉姆
Not the Cameroonian David Beckham.
-什么 -连网络社区都不感兴趣
- What? - Not even LADbible!
我认识的一个姑娘想从《爱情岛》把韦斯带走
A girl I know wanked Wes from Love Island on a train,
这件事都上了网络论♥坛♥
and even that made LADbible.
不错的玩笑 再见
Nice one. Bye.
-喀麦隆的贝克汉姆 -没什么 挺好的
- The Cameroonian Beckham? - Nah, nah. It's all good.
至少我不会惹上"我也是"行动
At least I'm safe from getting #MeToo'd.
你不会惹上"我也是"行动
Benji, you don't get #MeToo'd.
你做了错事 你要承担后果
You do something wrong and you suffer the consequences.
你说得对 我们得小心点
You're right, we got to be careful.
这个"我也是"行动把我们封锁了
This #MeToo got us on lockdown.
我们哪儿都不能去 脱衣舞俱乐部也去不了
We can't go nowhere, not one strip club.
不 并没有
No, it hasn't.
如果你和我们平常一样 就会没事
If we behave how we normally do, everything will be fine.
你在"我也是"谈话之后 马上就得到了口头警告
You got a verbal warning seconds after a #MeToo talk.
那是个误会
It was a misunderstanding.
如果你想走走 我认识个地方
Hey, if yous want to go somewhere, I know a place.
我经常去 肯定不会遇上"我也是"行动
I go there all the time, and we definitely won't get #MeToo'd.
-你别提这个词了 -走吧
- You do have to stop saying that. - Come on.
他说得对 这里确实不会和女人惹上麻烦
He was right about us not getting in trouble with women in here.
我觉得这里都没女人
I doubt a woman has ever been in here.
感觉他们建了个"我也是"碉堡
It's like they built this as a #MeToo bunker.
买♥♥它赢
Yeah, each way on that one.
挺好的 杰克 那是匹好马
Lovely, Jack. Good horse, that.
对这周的冠军联赛有什么想法吗
Any thoughts for the Champions League games this week?
说得好 给你20块
Oh, yeah, good point. Here's 20.
尤文图斯凭借客场进球取胜
Juve to win on away goals.
你不会在赌球吧
Hey, you're not betting on football, are you?
你真的不该这么做
You really shouldn't be doing that.
没事的 我一般不押我们的比赛
Nah, it's fine. I don't bet on our games -- usually.
不是的 你只要赌球
It's not fine. You'll be suspended
就会被禁止参加世界上的所有比赛
for betting on any football anywhere in the world.
他们没说会这样啊
Nah, they'd have mentioned it if that was the case.
他们一直在说
They do mention it! All the time.
说实话 看起来不是这样
It seems unlikely, to be honest.
-我们能走了吗 -看完这场比赛
- Can we go now? - Just watch the end of this race.
-我押了一千块 -一千块
- I've got a grand on it. - A grand?!
-这是场重要的比赛吗 -不知道 可能不是
- Is it a big race? - Don't know. Probably not.
为什么没人愿意相信我的故事
Why does no-one want to buy a story on me?
-你应该感激于此 -并不
- You should be grateful. - I'm not, though.
我想出名 有名到有人会相信我的故事
I want to be big enough that someone will buy a story.
"非喀麦隆贝克汉姆还和妈妈住一起"
"Not-Cameroonian Beckham still lives with Mom"?
-很遗憾 杰克 -很平常 特里
- Sorry about that, Jack. - It happens, Terry, mate.
别担心
Don't worry about it.
对于一个刚输了一千块的人 看起来还挺好的
Seem pretty OK for someone who's just lost a grand.
-从没输过一千块 -太好了
- Never lost a grand. - Oh, good.
总共输了三千块吧
In total, it was about three grand.
-老天啊 -不 没事的
- Jesus is Lord! - No, it's fine.
我那天从赞助商那里拿了两千块
I got paid two grand the other day off my sponsors.
-斯克鲁费克斯 -是的
- Screwfix. - Yeah.
运气不错
Mad luck.
这个地方太令人悲伤了 我们出去吧
Well, this place is super depressing. Let's get out of here.
我说了 你哪儿都不能去 哪里都不安全
I told you, you can't go nowhere. Nowhere is safe.
我可以给我们做顿饭
Oh, I could cook us all a meal.
只是因为我们不能和女性♥交♥往
Just because we can't date women
不代表着我们要互相交往
don't mean we have to start dating each other.
不 我在酒店里住了几周了
No, I've been living out of a hotel for weeks.
做点正常的事情挺好的 比如做饭
Be great to do something normal, like cook a meal.
我能借用你的厨房♥吗 杰克
Can I use your kitchen, Jack?
-可以 请随意 -太好了 我们去买♥♥点吃的
- Yeah, knock yourself out. - Great. Let's go buy some food.
你可能也要买♥♥一些餐具
Yeah, you might need to buy some cutlery too.
还有盘子
And plates.
还有锅
And some pots.
还有桌子
And a table.
可能还要买♥♥点椅子
And probably some chairs as well.
但除了这些都有
But other than that, you're all good.
你去超♥市♥的时候小心点
You need to be careful in supermarkets.
如果女人想做♥爱♥的话 她们会在下午去
That's where women go in the afternoons if they want sex.
或许她们只是想买♥♥东西了
Or if they want shopping.
我看过一篇演讲 他知道他在说什么
I saw a TED Talk on it. This guy knew what he was talking about.
有一篇演讲的内容是 在工作日的下午
There's a TED Talk on picking up women
去超♥市♥里泡妞吗
in supermarkets on weekday afternoons?
没错 这个人讲了
Yes. This guy talks about
他经常在超♥市♥泡妞
how he picks up women in supermarkets all the time,
他还给出了结果
and then he shows the results.
我确定你说的是黄网
I am almost certain you mean Pornhub.
不管我在哪儿看的 我们去超♥市♥要小心
Wherever I saw it, we need to be careful in supermarkets.
这些很奇怪 不是吗
These are weird, aren't they?
挂在书包上的塑料玩意儿
Like little plastic things that you hang in your bog.
演讲的人说他泡到的妹
The TED Talk guy said he got
大部分都是在家居用品区
most of his action in the household goods aisle.
有道理
Makes sense.
没错 因为没有什么比泡澡鸭子
Yeah, because nothing puts a woman in the mood
更能挑起女性性♥欲♥的了
more than an aisle of Toilet Ducks.
打扰一下
Excuse me?
抱歉打扰你们
I'm so sorry to bother you,
但你不会是杰克·特纳 那个足球运动员吧
but you're not Jack Turner, the footballer, are you?
是的 女士
Yes, miss.
我在我儿子房♥间的墙上见过你
Oh, wow. I've seen you on my son's wall.
他不会相信的 他是你的球迷
He-He'll never believe this. He's such a fan.
我是尼古拉
I'm Nicola.
你们都是球员吗
Are you all players?
是的 我是马蒂 他是本杰
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Mattie. This is Benji.
真是的专业足球运动员
Actual professional footballers.