叫我凯特（2021）

里面只是个抱枕 你可以捏一下
it's just a pillow under there-- go ahead, pinch it.
我不要捏你的宝宝
I'm not pinching your baby.
那把手伸进我衣服里
Then put your hand up my shirt.
这种事一般是约会完才做的吧
that's more of an after-date thing.
史蒂夫 里面只是我的沙发抱枕 给
Steve, it's just a pillow from my couch. Here.
拿着
Hold this.
瞧 看见没 我什么感觉都没有
Look. See? I don't feel anything.
好吧
Oh. Okay, fine.
说"用力"
Say "push."
用力
Push.
看见没
See?
是抱枕宝宝
Pillow baby!
轻松卸货 我又能喝酒了
Easy birth. Hey, I can drink again.
帮宝宝打嗝
Burp the baby.
搞什么 菲尔
What the hell, Phil?
我还傻傻地担心你
Here I was, worried about you,
结果却发现你偷了麦克斯的身份
only to find out that you stole Max's identity.
对不起 麦克斯
I'm sorry, Max.
但容我辩解一句
But in my defense...
我没想到你会发现
I never thought you'd find out.
-我发现了 -他不得不甩了一个
- Well, I found out. - He had to break up
戴助听器的老头
with an old man wearing hearing aids.
你知道麦克斯反复说了多少次吗
Do you know how many times Max had to repeat hisself?
酒吧里所有人都落泪了
Everybody at the bar had a tear in their eye.
我拿出了分手必说的金句
I pulled out some of my go-to breakup phrases.
"时机过了" "你值得更好的对象"
"The timing's off." "You deserve better."
"我害怕得到幸福"
"I think I'm just scared of being happy."
然后最后是 "我不是菲尔"
And then, ultimately, "I'm not Phil!"
很抱歉我害你那么尴尬
I'm sorry I put you in that position,
但我以前没网恋过
but I have never online-dated before,
并且我觉得如果别人见到真正的我
and I didn't think anybody'd pay any attention
根本就不会理睬我
if they saw the real me.
菲尔 总有一天你得看见其他人眼中
Well, someday, Phil, you're gonna have to start seeing yourself
那个美好的你
the way everyone else does.
这样吧 跟我重复
You know what? Repeat after me.
我是菲尔·克朗普勒 我超级性感
I am Phil Crumpler, and I am hot as hell!
我不会这么说的
I'm not gonna say that.
那就这么说 我是菲尔·克朗普勒
Okay, then try this: I am Phil Crumpler,
我做的派无比美味 讲的故事无比精彩
and I make the most delicious pies and tell great stories.
我还超级可爱
And I am cute as a button.
说 说
Say it! Say it!
我是菲尔·克朗普勒 我超级性感
I'm Phil Crumpler, and I'm hot as hell!
我的魔力回来了
Oh, I'm getting my mojo back.
你觉得我该给亨利发信息吗
Do you think I should text Henry?
他肯定会很高兴的 我送他上车的时候
Yeah, I think he'd like that. When I walked him to his car,
他的嘴唇颤抖 我就抱了抱他
his lip was kind of trembling, so I gave him a hug.
然后他抓了抓我的屁♥股♥
And then he grabbed a cheek.
看来撒谎不是什么好主意
Well, turns out lying is a bad idea.
看见没
See?
我知道在大街上一群人的围观下
You know, I can see how giving birth to a throw pillow
生下一个抱枕
on the sidewalk in front of a group of onlookers
看起来是有点疯
might be a little bit nuts,
但我觉得我是因为想要做出
but I feel like I was driven nuts trying to make a decision
一些史蒂夫根本不需要做出的决定而发疯了
that Steve will never even have to make.
所以去妈的吧 史蒂夫
So screw you, Steve.
我们还是别对史蒂夫太严苛
Well, let's not be too hard on Steve.
听起来他同时接收到的信息量过大
Sounds like a lot of things were coming at him at once.
去你♥妈♥的♥ 麦克斯 竟然站在史蒂夫那边
Yeah, screw you, Max, for taking Steve's side.
你们男人有大把的时间
You know, you guys have all the time in the world
来决定繁衍后代的事
to make decisions about procreation.
你们知道还有谁有大把的时间吗
You know who else has all the time in the world?
猫咪 它们可以生小猫生到死
Cats. They can have kittens up until the day they die.
但本凯特不行
But not this Kat.
男人还是有生育最佳年龄段的
Hey, there's still kind of a clock with guys.
我可不希望我老来得子 得和我孩子一起
I mean, I wouldn't want me and my kid to both be in diapers
包尿布
at the same time.
他就算穿尿布也很性感
Even in a diaper, he's still hot.
等等 那你是想要孩子的吗
So, wait, do you want to have kids?
不算是
Mm, not really.
我喜欢和我的侄子和侄女们打闹
I mean, I love roughhousing with my nieces and nephews,
我也喜欢教他们 但是
and I loved teaching, but...
我不喜欢思考我自己的未来
I don't like thinking about my own future,
担心别人的未来
and worrying about someone else's
可能会让我的头都炸了
might make my head explode.
但你肯定会是一个很有趣的爸爸
You'd be a fun dad, though.
我承认
Oh, I acknowledge that.
你会是一个很有趣的妈妈
You'd be a fun mom.
我承认
Oh, I acknowledge that.
但你还有时间改变主意
But you still have time to change your mind.
而我没有 这可能是我最后一次
I don't. This might be my last chance
拥有亲生孩子的机会
to have biological children.
我可能并不想要 也可能想要 我...
Which I may not even want, or maybe I do, I...
好了 麦克斯 我又回到了仓鼠轮上
There I go, Max, back on the hamster wheel:
想法绕来绕去 绕来绕去
circular thoughts, circular thoughts.
你的直觉怎么说
What does your gut tell you?
我的直觉吗 它告诉我我根本不知道
My gut? Tells me that I have no idea
我接下来的人生会是怎样
what the rest of my life's gonna look like,
也不知道我接下来一年会想要什么 或需要什么
much less what I'm gonna want or need in a year.
我以前从没想过我会辞职开猫咖
I-I never thought I'd quit my job and open a cat café.
我从来没想到我会在单向乐队
I never thought I'd become a One Direction fan
解散四年后成为了他们的粉丝
four years after they broke up.
他们其实不是解散了
They didn't actually break up.
-只是暂时单飞 -只是暂时单飞
- It's just a hiatus. - They're in a hiatus.
虽然我快40岁了 但是
Look, I may be turning 40 soon, but...
我依然觉得我的未来充满了可能性
I still feel like my future is full of unknown possibilities.
凯特
Kat...
也许我数学没有你好 但我知道
I may not know math like you do, but I know this:
如果你不是百分百抗拒做冻卵
if freezing your eggs isn't a hundred percent no,
那就是接受
it's a yes.
这其实不是数学 但我喜欢这说法
That's not really math at all, but I like it.
你也说过 那很贵
And like you said, it's expensive,
不一定能成功
it may not work...
但是本着无限可能的精神
but in the spirit of possibilities...
就把这也加进去吧
let that be one of them.
你表态了 你说过你不会表态的
You voted. You said you weren't gonna vote,
但你还是表态了
but you voted.
我只是...我希望你得到你想要的东西
I just... I want for you what you want for you.
我觉得那就是你想要的
I think that's what you want.
我觉得那的确是我想要的
I think that is what I want.
我想要可能性
I want possibilities.
我也可以骗我妈我要冷冻卵子
Or what if I tell my mother I'm freezing my eggs,
然后拿她的钱 我们坐豪华游轮去阿♥拉♥斯加
take her money, and we go on a badass cruise to Alaska?
我也支持这个做法
I support that as well.
-干杯 -干杯
- Cheers. - Cheers.
菲尔
Phil?
亨利
Henry?
见到你真是让人心荡神驰啊
Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.
你都害人家脸红了
Oh, you're gonna make me blush!
坐下吧 帅哥
Sit down, handsome.
见到你真好
Nice to meet you.
我们都叫它奈莉 但你想叫它什么都行
We call her Nelly, but you can name her whatever you want.
奈莉这个名字很好
I like Nelly.
她是家里的独女 这是她第一只宠物
She's an only child, and this is her first pet,
所以这对她来说是大事
so it's a big deal for her.
我明白
I get it.
好了 你可以加一个数字了
Okay, now you get to flip the number.
很好 好了
Good job. All right, well,
照顾好奈莉
take good care of Nelly.
这些是它的眼罩
Here are all her eye patches.
它可能会想要和你一起睡在毯子下
She's probably gonna want to sleep under the covers with you.