叫我凯特（2021）

我每晚都会写下"奈莉被收养" 然后放进许愿罐
I write "Nelly gets adopted" and put it in my wish jar every night.
好吧 但你有没有告诉对方它瞎了一只眼
Okay, but did you tell them that she's blind in one eye
走路会撞墙
and she walks into walls?
我说了
I did.
凯特
Hey, Kat.
想让我把这些搬到后面去吗
Do you want these in the back?
不 史蒂夫 不用了 放这儿就行
Um, no, Steve, that's okay, you can just leave them right here.
我之前在论♥坛♥读到
You know, uh, I was just reading on Reddit
咖啡豆对猫猫有毒
how coffee beans can be toxic to cats.
没错 史蒂夫 我是猫咖老板 我当然知道
Yes, Steve, I opened a cat cafe, so I knew that.
那你也知道我一直想
Did you also know that I've been wanting
跟你正式约会吗
to ask you out on a date for a while?
所以我才会有个咖啡保险箱
I mean, that's actually why I have a coffee safe--
用来装咖啡豆 不让猫猫碰到
so I can keep the beans away from the cats.
你重听没听到吗 老奶奶
Did you not hear him, Grandma?
他刚约你出去
He just asked you out.
什么情况
What happened now?
这周末一起去吃晚餐好吗
Uh... maybe like dinner this weekend or something?
你知道"晚餐"这个词
Did you know that the word dinner
源自法语
comes from the old French word disner,
并且原义是指早餐吗
which actually means breakfast?
-姐们 你还不答应 -我答应
- Girl, if you don't just say yes. - Okay, yes.
好 这个周末
Yes. Um, this weekend.
-会很甜蜜的 -好极了
- That would be lover-ly. - Great.
我单子上有你电♥话♥
Uh, I got your number here, so, uh...
我会打给你
I'll call you.
真没想到
Well, well, well.
我的受精选择忽然大增
My insemination options are stacking up nicely.
未知来电呢
Unknown caller, ooh.
史蒂夫 你是不是对凯特美人太急切啦
Hey, Steve, aren't you a little eager beaver with the Kat fever?
原来是马歇尔医生 抱歉
Hey, it's Dr. Marshall. Oh, sorry.
对 马歇尔医生 是我
Uh, yeah, hi, Dr. Marshall, this is she.
是我医生要通知我检查结果 兰迪 抱住我
It's my doctor with the test results-- Randi, hold me.
保持距离好吗 怀亚特
Boundaries, Wyatt.
"勉强能做" 她说我"勉强能做"
"Somewhat viable." She said I was "somewhat viable."
我本来希望听到"放手去做吧"或是"没戏了"
I was hoping for a "Go for it!" or "Nope, too late."
又或是"想拿杯白葡萄酒 聊聊男生吗"
Or "Hey, want to grab a glass of white zin and talk about boys?"
但都不是 结论是"勉强能做"
But, no, I got "somewhat viable."
我有次吃了些"勉强能吃"的生蚝
I once ate some oysters that were somewhat viable.
结果进了急诊室
I ended up in the ER.
他们不得不把我裤子剪掉
They had to cut my jeans off.
凯特 你的医生建议你怎么做
Well, Kat, what does your doctor think you should do?
她说这是我自己的决定 不能打包票
She said it's my decision and there are no guarantees.
所以就我和她的友谊来看 我不太感兴趣
So as far as my friendship with her goes, I'm less enamored.
不如你列个利弊清单
Well, why don't you make a pros and cons list?
我之前就是用这方法决定要不要告诉丹尼尔
That's how I decided whether or not to tell Daniel
老娘根本不喜欢他的和服睡衣
I did not care for his night kimono.
我决定不说 真是大错特错了
I decided not to, and that was a big mistake,
因为之后他就送了我一件情侣款
because then he gave me a matching one.
现在我们看着就像一对伴唱的
And now we look like back-up singers.
好 利弊清单
Okay, uh, pros and cons list.
这是个好主意 我想想
That's a good idea. Uh, okay.
首先 我得给自己打激素针
Uh, first of all, I'd have to give myself hormone shots.
这听起来不怎么好
Okay, that sounds like a con.
我可以帮你打激素针
I can help you with the hormone shots.
可以和菲尔多相处呢
Ooh, more quality time with Phil.
这是好处
That's a pro.
我以前帮我妈注射胰岛素
I used to give Mama her insulin.
我会抓住她脖子的肥肉 让她分心
I'd grab her by the neck fat to distract her,
然后迅速把针扎进她肚皮
and then shoot her in the belly!
好吧 好处好像被抵消掉了
Okay, so maybe a wash on that one.
听着 我想不出有什么
Look, I can't think of anything
能比一个迷你版的你跑来跑去更可爱和怪异
cuter and weirder than having a tiny, little you running around.
我知道 利 利 利
I know. Pro, pro, pro.
但做冻卵很贵
But freezing your eggs is expensive.
我知道 弊 弊 弊
I know. Con, con, con.
取一次卵就要一万五
It's, like, $15,000 for one retrieval attempt.
让我想起以前在游戏厅我逢玩必输的抓娃娃机
Reminds me of those arcade claw games that I never win.
就好像 你一心想抓住卵
Like, get the egg, get the egg, get the--
结果却只抓到了毛绒骰子
Aw, you got the fuzzy dice.
如果你那么想要孩子 带走我家的吧
If you want a kid that bad, take mine.
CJ这周快烦死我了 他想纹身
CJ's been riding my ass all week about getting a tattoo.
纹什么 他的游戏手柄
Of what you ask? His video game controller.
你们知道画出来的草稿像什么吗
You know what that looks like when it's sketched out?
有按钮的鸡鸡
A penis with buttons.
巧了 我就想纹一个有按钮的鸡鸡
That's funny, I wanted a tattoo of a penis with buttons,
结果纹出来却像游戏手柄
but it looked too much like a video game controller.
抱歉 聊这个话题
Sorry, it's just, this conversation
让我不太自在
makes me uncomfortable.
因为你不喜欢讨论女性烦恼吗
Oh, 'cause you don't like discussing female problems?
不 是因为我是你朋友
No, because I'm your friend and it just seems
做这个感觉会让你的身体遭罪
like a really tough thing to put your body through.
好吧 新办法 我们来投票表决
All right, new strategy. Let's take a vote.
不投票 我们不能为你做决定
No voting-- it's not our decision to make.
我有个问题
Uh, I have a question.
你的卵子取出来后会放去哪里
Once they get 'em out of you, where do they put 'em?
某个冷冻柜里 而且之后每次断电
In a freezer somewhere, and then every time the power goes out,
我都会特别担心它们
I'm gonna be all worried about them.
就像现在停电我会担心我买♥♥的冰棒一样
Like how when it goes out now, I worry about my popsicles.
但卵子不是冰棒 是冰人
But these are not popsicles, they're people-sicles.
卡特 我手♥机♥弄好了吗
Hey, Carter, is my phone ready?
好了 水电费都设置成自动付款了
Yep, got the rest of your utilities synced up on autopay.
你只要烤好蛋糕 赚足钞票
You just keep making that dough by baking that dough,
就没有任何烦恼 老表
and you're good to go, bro.
谢谢你关照我 卡特
Thanks for looking out for me, Carter.
不过我会想念我最爱的银行柜员邦妮
Although I'm gonna miss Bonnie, my favorite teller at the bank.
她有着最美最长的手指甲
She has the most beautiful, long fingernails.
我曾见过她
I've seen her scratch off
同时刮5张彩票
five lottery tickets at the same time.
对了 说到关照你
Well, speaking of looking out for you,
我帮你弄手♥机♥的时候 你男友亨利发了短♥信♥
your boyfriend Henry texted while I had your phone.
不用慌张 我擅自回了他短♥信♥
Now, don't freak out, but I took the liberty of texting him back
邀他今晚来这里见你
and asking him to meet you here tonight.
-你做了什么 -听着 我懂
- You did what? - Look, I know,
但我不能让你把钱都给一个
but I can't just let you keep handing out money
你不知道存在与否的人
to a guy you don't know exists.
这样的话 如果有个小老头
This way, if a little old guy
戴着一对助听器出现了
with a couple of hearing aids shows up,
我就短♥信♥你 你过来打招呼
I'll text you, you come by and say hi.
可我还没准备好打招呼
But I'm not ready to say hi!
那我就说你去参加葬礼什么的了
Then I'll say you went to a funeral or something.
但如果没有人出现
But if nobody shows up,
我就报♥警♥ 我们抓到那个钓鱼诈骗犯
I'm calling the cops, we gonna find that catfish,
把你的钱追回来 让他蹲监狱去
get your money back, and throw his ass in jail.
好吧
Okay.
《生育不是徒劳》
有人在嘛
Knock, knock.
一般人都是进门之前敲门的
You know, people usually knock before they enter.
万一家里来了个男士怎么办
What if I had a gentleman caller?
我们就是想碰碰运气
We took our chances.
你们来这有什么目的吗
Is there a reason you're here?
有的 因为我不敢相信我家小猫凯特
Yes, because I can't believe that my Kitty Kats
要生猫崽了
is gonna have kittens!
妈 我说了不要声张
Mother, I told you not to say anything.
我都还没想好
I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet.
情难自禁啊 我们正在做双人按♥摩♥
I couldn't help it, we were getting a couples massage.
不告诉她不像话啊
How can I not tell her?
她一直想要这样一个女儿
The daughter she always wanted.
我准备了礼物
I have a present.
我最爱的孕妇装
My favorite maternity clothes.
我留着这些衣服就为了这一刻