叫我凯特（2021）

你们来早了
You're early.
或是我来迟了
Or I'm late.
不管怎样 大家好 我很高兴你们来了
Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here.
我先带你们跟上最新的进度
Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed.
这周早些时候 我妈突然慌乱地来找我
Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.
凯特琳
Katharine?!
妈 你吓得我都喷茶了
Mom, you scared the tea out of me.
塔拉打算重宣婚誓了
Tara's renewing her vows.
我想确保你的心里不会苦涩难过
I wanted to make sure you're okay.
我为什么会苦涩难过
Why wouldn't I be okay?
因为你最好的朋友都要办第二场婚礼了
Because your best friend's getting two weddings,
而你连一场都没有
and you've never had one.
再说你都39岁高龄了
And you're 39.
为什么要小声说啊
Why are we whispering?
我以为还有点时间呢
Thought I had more time.
自从我爸去世后 我妈就格外担心
My mother's been extra worried about my single status
我的万年单身状态
since my father died,
我爸去世的事对我们母女的打击都很大
which was super hard on both of us.
我想长睡不醒
I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
我想开一家猫咖
I think I want to open a cat café.
于是我真开了
So, I did.
我辞掉了作为数学教授的空虚工作
I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor,
然后开了凯特猫咖
and I opened Kat's Cat Café,
雇了两个超棒的员工 他们真是帮大忙了
where I have two great employees who are super helpful.
谁给新来的猫想出个好名字
Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat
就能多享受一天带薪病假
gets an extra paid sick day.
"布丁"怎么样
How about "Pudding,"
因为它可爱到让我想用勺子把它给吃了
'cause I could just eat him with a spoon?
"烟火"怎么样
How about "Firework,"
因为它一脸不爽 仿佛屁♥股♥里炸开了朵烟花
'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass?
-我喜欢 -真的很棒
- I like that. - That's pretty good.
我觉得它完美得没有"猫"病
I think he's purr-fect.
好了 节目正式开始
Now on with our show.
真是太好吃了 菲尔 我这吃的是什么
This is so good, Phil. What am I eating?
以前过节时 我妈常给我们这些孩子们做
Well, my mama used to make it for us kids on the holidays.
我们都觉得烤焦的椰丝看着像头发
We thought the burnt coconut looked like hair,
于是我们称之为"妈妈的头发派[多毛阴♥户♥]"
so we called it "Mama's Hairy Pie."
加入菜单吧 但务必改个名字
Put it on the menu, but let's change the name.
嘿 凯特 这是寄给你的
Hey, Kat, this came for you.
这是我朋友塔拉重宣婚誓仪式的邀请函
This is the invitation to my friend Tara's renewal-of-vows ceremony.
等等 我的回复卡上写着
Wait. My RSVP card says
"凯特琳·伊迪丝·希尔沃女士及..."
"Ms. Katharine Edith Silver and,"
然后后面有条下划线
and then there's this line.
这意思是让我带个伴去吗
Does that mean I get a plus-one?
看上去是的
Looks like it.
这也太激动人心了吧
This is so exciting!
我从来没有携伴参加的机会
I never get a plus-one.
单身狗都没携伴资格 简直是公开羞辱
They're withheld from single people like a public shaming.
既然你没有交往对象 你应该一个人去
Since you're not dating anybody, you should just go alone
尽情跟宴会上的单身男子调情才是正道
and have fun flirting with all the single men at the party.
那是我最爱的游戏
That's one of my favorite games.
我称之为"先擒后纵"
I call it "Catch and Release."
显然你不像我这样患有社交焦虑
Well, you obviously don't live with social anxiety like I do.
我有没有跟你说过 昨天一个男人上了我的车
Did I tell you a guy got into my car yesterday,
以为我是优步司机
thinking it was an Uber?
我不想让他尴尬
I didn't want to make him feel bad,
于是我直接开车把他送去机场了
so I just drove him all the way to the airport.
这上面说招待仪式将在
Ooh, it says the reception will be held
布朗酒店的水晶宴会厅举办
in the Crystal Ballroom at The Brown Hotel.
布朗酒店是路易维尔的标杆酒店了
Ooh, The Brown is the most iconic hotel in Louisville.
伊丽莎白·泰勒有次在那里
Elizabeth Taylor lost an emerald
丢失了孔雀胸针上的一颗绿宝石
out of her peacock brooch there one time.
-菲尔 你没事吧 -我...
- Phil, are okay? - I'm...
没事 我... 抱歉
No, I... I'm sorry.
只是马蒂的工作派对本来也该在那里举办的
It's just that Marty's work party was supposed to be there,
我很激动终于能在水晶宴会厅跳舞了
and I was so excited about dancing at the Crystal Ballroom.
但谁知他回到家
But then he came home
说他在大卖♥♥场认识了一个年轻男人
and said he'd met that young buck at Big Lots!
那人卖♥♥给他一把扫帚 扫进了他的心里
Who sold him a broom and swept him off his feet.
我很遗憾 菲尔
I'm so sorry, Phil.
是我自己的错 我叫他去买♥♥扫帚的
It's my own fault. I asked him to buy the broom.
我很讨厌看到别人伤心难过
I hate seeing people sad.
看上去就像受伤的幼鸟
They look like wounded baby birds.
我只想将一根冰棒棍绑在它们受伤的翅膀上
I just want to tape a little Popsicle stick to that broken wing.
我出招了
Here I go.
菲尔
Phil?
你愿意赏脸 作为我的伴一起去吗
Would you do me the honor of being my plus-one?
不可能吧 你在开玩笑吗 凯特
Get out of town. Are you kidding me, Kat?
我没开玩笑 而且我们会比
Nope. Not kidding. And we'll have a lot more fun
你在愚蠢的工作派对上玩得更开心
than you would've had at a stupid work party
因为这是个蠢毙了的重宣婚誓仪式
'cause this is a stupid renewing-their-vows ceremony.
再说 你会和我这个舞后一起
Plus, you'll be with me.
谢谢你 凯特
Oh, thank you, Kat.
我能给我妈妈打电♥话♥ 告诉她
Can I call my mama and tell her
我要去水晶宴会厅了吗
I'm going to the Crystal Ballroom?
没问题
Of course.
妈妈 你猜怎么着
Hey, Mama, guess what.
天啊 我真想知道给妈妈打电♥话♥
Gosh, I wonder what it's like
还很激动是什么滋味
to be excited to call your mom.
我要一杯根汁汽水
One root beer, please.
稍等 先生
I'll be with you in a minute, sir.
这事也不是第一回了
Not the first time that's happened.
因为我的声音低沉洪亮
Due to my low, resonant voice,
打电♥话♥时对方经常误认为我是男人
I often get mistaken for a man on the phone.
视频时也有过一次
And once on video chat.
很抱歉
Oh, I am so sorr...
凯特
Kat?
麦克斯
Max?
不会吧
No way!
天菜麦克斯
Hot Max?
这句本来是对你们说的
That was meant for you.
你好吗 最近在忙什么
So, how are you? What are you doing with your life?
我刚回来 卡特让我在这里上班
I just got back into town, and Carter gave me a job
这样我就能答上这种问题了
so I'd have an answer to questions like that.
别让她来吧台里面
Hey, do not let her behind the bar.
她喜欢乱玩苏打枪
She likes to play with the soda gun.
我那次才不是在乱玩
I wasn't playing with it.
而是在发明新饮料
I was inventing a new drink.
我也不会去你的猫咖发明新猫啊
I don't go to your café and invent new cats.
你知道自己上了什么名单
You know what list you're on.
不是好名单
It's not a good list.
你在忙什么
So what's going on with you?
我来这里见塔拉 聊她婚礼的事
Oh, I'm, uh... I'm meeting Tara here to discuss her wedding.
她跟第一任丈夫的第二次婚礼
Her second wedding to her first husband.
她没准是个婚礼囤积狂
I think she might be a wedding hoarder.
你结婚了吗
So, are you married?
当然结了
Yeah. Yes, of course.
真好 有孩子了吗
Oh, cool. You have kids?
有两个捣蛋鬼
Yeah, I got two of those rascals.
奥兰多和布鲁姆
There's Orlando and, uh, Bloom.
奥兰多·布鲁姆 英国男星
这就是我所说的
This is what I was talking about.
社交焦虑
This is social anxiety.
你呢
What about you?
我没结婚
No, not married.
我也是
Yeah, me neither.
你刚说你结了
You just said you were.
离婚了 没孩子
Divorced now. No kids.
孩子们怎么了
What happened to the kids?
说来有趣 麦克斯
Well, that's a funny story, Max.
不是好笑的那种有趣