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（墨菲喜剧俱乐部）
咚咚咚
Knock knock.
好吧 我自己说就是了
Okay, I'll say it.
是谁啊
Who's there?
你讲个笑话啊
Yo, tell a joke.
斑斑
Bamm- Bamm.
我是...
It's me…
弗雷德
Fred.
好尬
This is awkward.
-兄弟 你烂透了 -谢谢夸奖
- You fucking suck! - Thank you.
再过一分钟 他就得下场
One more minute, and he gets the hook.
他因搞砸而被当众羞辱时 真的会获得“性奋感”
He's literally getting off on the public humiliation of bombing.
他就是下一个安迪·考夫曼
He's the next Andy Kaufman.
我才开张的喜剧俱乐部 观众都快被他赶跑了
And he's about to run the patrons out of my new damn club.
我用和滑石粉行业打民事诉讼官司
I didn't use the money from that civil action suit
拿到的钱
against the talcum powder industry
开属于自己 由女性持有和经营的俱乐部
to open my own female- owned- and- operated comedy club
不是为了让这个橡皮头 把我的观众赶跑的
just so that Eraserhead over there can drive my crowds out.
他是我的开场表演人 而且作为你最重要的夜晚的
Well, he's my opening act, and as the headliner
主要演员
on your biggest night,
我很确定外面那些付钱的顾客 是来看我的
I'm pretty sure those paying customers are here for me.
瞧瞧啊
Well, well, well.
你的小辫子是不是翘太高了
Aren't we getting a little big for our leather britches?
...过马路
…cross the road?
对不起
Apologies.
今年一到 一切都很诡异 我...
It's been a weird start to the year. I…
我看到乔希猛灌啤酒
I saw Josh shotgun a beer.
请节哀
I'm sorry for your loss.
好吧 这个笑话不错
Okay, that's pretty good.
-我要用 -滚下台吧
- I'm gonna use that. - Get off the stage!
写搞笑段子也许不是解决你问题的
I mean, writing jokes is probably not the best approach
最好方法 但是你可以用
to your problems, but okay.
-老子掏了钱的 -我很差劲
- I paid money for this. - I'm terrible.
-我他妈的要揍你 -好 请你来打我吧
- I'll fucking hit you, man. - Yeah, yeah, hit me, please.
什... 别 别打我 打吧
Wha- ? Yeah. No, don't. Yes.
真受不了
Oh, fuck.
-你刚刚说什么 -打我
- What did you say? - Hit me.
-祝我好运 -祝你好运
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
这家伙就是个奇葩
This guy's a fucking weirdo.
打我 你是我爸爸
Hit me. Hit me. You're my dad.
你是我爸爸吗 请打我 爸爸
Are you my dad? Hit me, Father, please.
-你实在太诡异了 -打我 妈妈
- You're a fucking creep. - Hit me, Mommy.
-滚下去 -我是诡异男 我不配活着
- Get the fuck off the stage, man. - I'm a creep, and I don't deserve to live.
弄死我 踢我 打我
Kill me. Kick me. Punch me.
-先生 -掐我 掐我的乳♥头♥
- Sir! Sir! - Yeah. Pinch me. Pinch my nipples.
嗨 先生 请你滚下舞台好吗
Hi. Sir? Can you get off the fucking stage, please?
-这家伙真差劲 -谢谢你
- This fucking guy sucks. - Thank you.
这又不是“体育赛事”
I mean, this isn't "insert sporting event here."
谢谢你
- So, thank you.
男人为什么样的事都能打起来
Men will fight about anything.
怎么 你觉得他不搞笑 就威胁要杀了他
What, you didn't think he was funny, so you threaten to kill him?
你以为这是社交媒体吗
- What is this, social media? -
好了 让我们用掌声欢送
Okay, let's give a round of boos
我们可爱又诡异的 常驻喜剧人 弗雷德
for our resident lovable creep, Fred.
我怎么样 老板
How'd I do, boss?
差劲死了 弗雷迪 超级差劲
Six feet under, Freddy. Six feet under.
好吧 我想要回家了
Okay, well, I would like to go home,
所以是时候表演最后一场了
so it's time for our final act.
掌声献给我们那位
Let's give a round of applause for the one,
孤独的卡特主人
the lonely, Master Carter.
兄弟
My man.
15楼有个小可爱想让我
Got a little freek-a-leek on the 15th floor who wants me
“看几份文件”
to "take a look at some files." Yeah.
有的时候你就得往上走 才好“下”手 是吧
Sometimes you gotta go up to get down, you know?
你今晚要去哪啊
Yeah. Where you running off to tonight, huh?
你要跟你马子滚床单...
You gonna tap that lady ass of yours from the… blap, blap, blap, blap.
-不 迪鸡 这其实不... -对不起
- Ha. No, Dickie, actually, it's not- - Sorry.
我无意冒犯你的女人
I didn't mean any disrespect to your lady.
我只是觉得你们肯定会做♥爱♥
I'm sure the two of you make love or whatever, you know.
咸咸湿湿的那种
Connecticut kink.
-类似这样吧 -这挺好的
- Something like that. - Yeah. Which is beautiful, you know.
但是 我今晚晚些时候
Me, on the other hand, well, later tonight,
会联♥系♥我在莱姆病福利
I'm gonna get up with this little Dominican thing
无声拍卖♥♥会上撩到的 多米尼加小可爱
that I vibed with at the silent auction for the Lyme disease benefit.
她想跟我定下来 但是你兄弟我属于爱心泛滥类型的
She wants to make it a steady thing, but your boy has a lot of love to give.
说到“爱心泛滥” 你就知道他们为什么叫我“迪鸡”了
And by "a lot of love," well, you know why they call me Dickie.
因为你♥爸♥妈给你取名理查德吗
Your parents named you Richard?
不是 我叫马克
No. My name's Mark.
我两年前在公♥司♥团建的 一对一活动上告诉过你的
I told you that at the one- on- ones at the retreat two years ago.
-那是我的脆弱时刻啊 兄弟 -对 没错 是这样
- That was a vulnerable moment for me, man. - Oh, no, no, right. Yeah, of course.
-是啊 你知道的 马克 这是我... -你爷爷的名字
- Yeah, you know, Mark, that's my- - Your grandfather.
我叔叔的名字
It's my uncle.
他是我最喜欢的叔叔 但无所谓了
It's my favorite uncle, but whatever.
顺便问一下 新年晚会上 那个和你一起的红毛是谁
By the way, who was that Raggedy Andy you were with on New Year's?
他挺扫兴的 兄弟
He was kind of a buzzkill, dude.
我的电梯到了
This is me.
聊得不错 迪鸡 晚上玩得开心
Nice chat, Dickie. Have a good night.
因为我的鸡鸡很大
It's 'cause I have a big dick.
所以人们叫我迪鸡
That's why they call me Dickie.
你听到了吗
Oh, wow. Did you hear that?
我假期的时候回了乔治亚州老家
So, I went home to Georgia for the holidays.
我允许你说话了吗
Did I say you could speak?
你可以在表演后说话
You can speak after the show.
我回了乔治亚州老家 顺便说一下 我爸妈知道我的一切
Went home to Georgia. My parents know all about me, by the way.
他们费了很大的劲 但是他们终于接受了
It took them a lot of work, but they've finally come to terms
我是个...
with the fact that…
喜剧演员的事实
I'm a comedian.
开玩笑 我是同性恋的事实
Just kidding. That I'm gay.
逗你玩的 他们是老顽固
Just kidding. They're bigots.
是调♥教♥师的事实
That I'm a dom.
实际上 他们可能太喜欢 我的皮革文化生活方式了
They actually love my leather lifestyle, maybe a little bit too much.
因为他们有好多问题
Because they have questions.
比如“卡特 我这样
Like, "Carter, is this the correct form
插♥你♥爸爸的菊花对吗 ”
when I'm peggin' your father?"
好吧 这没关系
M'kay. It's okay.
没关系的 因为以前他俩做♥爱♥的时候
It's okay because before, when I would watch her fuck him,
我只能袖手旁观
I was no use at all.
但是现在我能指导她戳中他的前列腺
But now, I can really coach her on hitting his prostate.
“往左边一点 妈妈”
A little to the left, Mom.
所以你们可以这样说 多亏了我
So, I guess you could say, thanks to me, Christmas
春天和我爸爸都提前“到了”
and my father came early.
说到肛♥交♥
Speaking of butt sex,
墨菲介绍我时 说我是孤独的 但其实我是有男朋友的
Murphy introduced me as lonely, but I do, in fact, have a boyfriend.
是的 我有男朋友
Yeah, I have a boyfriend,
所以现在我仍是孤独的
so now I'm still lonely,
但是却有肛裂相伴
but with an anal fissure.
还挺严重的
- Yeah, it's really bad.
我去看医生 他说
I went to my doctor, and he was like,
“先生 你现在有两个屁♥眼♥了”
Sir, you now have two buttholes.
没关系的 我喜欢
And it's fine. I like it.
我叫它们双胞胎
I call them my twins.
我能区分它们两个
And I can tell them apart
因为有一个永远在流血
because one is always bleeding.
是的
Yeah.
我男朋友最近向我吐露了一个秘密
My boyfriend recently confided in me a secret.
他说 “卡特 其实我在 一些社交圈子里
He said, "Carter, I'm actually not out of the closet
没有公开出柜”
in some circles."
我说 “宝贝 没关系的
And I said, "Babe, that's okay,
只要那些‘圈’
as long as those circles
不包括你的屁♥眼♥ 嘴 耳朵眼 好吗 ”
do not include your asshole, mouth, or ears. Okay?"
我的性癖可没闲着