僵尸情人节（2017）

Um, have you ever seen a zombie, professor?
天 是的我见过
Oh my, yes.
我做过两次实地考察
On both of my expeditions
一次去南非 一次去加勒比地区 都看见过僵尸
through South Africa and the Caribbean.
所以我才会怀疑
That is why I'm skeptical.
我听说这种流感病毒通过变异
I'm hearing this virus is creating
而进化成僵尸病毒
variations of what we would call a zombie,
感染病毒的人会变得有食人性 盲目攻击
cannibalism, mindless attacks,
皮肤和眼睛颜色也会变化
the change of skin and eye color,
-而且他们走路也很有意思 -嗯
- and they walk funny. - Mm.
呃 你能给我们演示一下吗？
Uh, can you give us a demonstration?
当然 我很乐意
I would be delighted.
我不知道我们的观众怎么想
Yeah, I don't know about our viewers,
但我不希望这事发生在我身上
but I would not want that coming after me.
嗷 够了
Ouch. Okay.
谢谢你 谢谢你 Z教授
Thanks you. Thank you, Professor Z.
这是我的大♥荣♥幸
It has been a delightful pleasure.
能够确定的是
Well, this I do know.
这不是普通的病毒
This is no regular virus.
人们没有出现类似流感的症状
People are not getting flu-like symptoms.
人们正在改变
People are changing.
人们正在转变
People are transforming.
关于“从众心理暴♥力♥”有这么个说法
There's talk of herd mentality violence.
我们以往从未见过任何一种类似的暴♥力♥行为
Violence unlike anything we have seen before.
而那些感染了却没有转变的人们
And those that are not transforming,
他们正在死去
they are dying.
不是一个月或者一个星期
They're dying not in a month, or a week,
甚至不是几天内
or even a day days.
而是在感染这种病毒的几分钟内
No, they're dying within minutes
这些人就会死去
of contracting this so-called virus.
死亡率也打破了纪录
And the mortality rate is off the charts.
希望在稍后的节目中
We hope to have more information
我们会给大家带来这个快速发展事件
on this fast evolving story
的更多讯息
on our later broadcasts.
跟我来
Follow me.
麦克斯
Max.
我喜欢你这里的设计
I like what you've done with the place.
-他是想搞笑吗？ -我不知道
- Is he trying to be funny? - I don't know.
你想搞笑吗？
Are you trying to be funny?
你想搞笑吗？
Are you trying to be funny?
等我把你的眼睑缝在一起
I should staple your eyelids shut.
-那才是真正的有趣 -朋友
- That would be funny. - You know,
我们都很惊讶于
we were all surprised
你第一份活儿的成绩
when you pulled off your, uh, very first job.
第一份活 你记得吧？
Right, first job?
我们应该叫你大铜球
Big brass balls is what we should call you.
你是怎么做到的？
How did you make it so easy?
他是怎么做到的？
How did he do it?
你放心告诉我们 他是怎么做到的？
Come on, you can tell us. How'd he do it?
快告诉我们 不然我们就把你的蛋砍了
Tell us or we'll chop off your balls.
额 远程胡椒喷雾
Um, remote pepper spray.
胡椒喷雾？解释一下
Pepper spray? Explain.
好吧 你
Well, you
在前一晚偷摸进装甲车
break into the armored car the previous night
把罐子放在座位下面
and plant the cans under the seats.
伙计 不会有什么事情发生的 这可是一辆装甲汽车
Ah man, it's gonna happen. It's an armored car.
你可以在500英尺远的地方激活它们
You can activate them by remote up to 500 feet away.
那些亮黄色的金属
All that bright yellow metal,
那些长方形块
all those rectangular bars...
-乖乖 -把它们捧在手上的感觉
- Oh yeah. - It must've been great
一定棒呆了吧
to hold those bars in your hands.
权力 麦克斯
Power, Max.
这才是纯黄金所代表的东西
That is what pure gold is,
是权力
power.
你不愿说话的是怎么了？
What is it with you that you won't talk?
你是不是只在你想搞笑的时候说话？
Maybe you can only talk when you're trying to be funny?
你现在为我们工作了 麦克斯
You work for us now, Max.
-我不这么认为 -现在他说话了
- I don't think so. - Now he speaks.
大铜球先生说话了
Mister big brass balls speaks.
别搞错了
Make no mistake, Max.
你归我们所属
We own you.
我们拥有你 我们还拥有你的女朋友
We own you, we own your girlfriend,
你对我们来说就像汽车或狗一样
we own you like a car or a dog.
听着 接下来
So here's what's gonna happen.
这就是你的新任务
Here's your new job.
对于像你这样聪明 有趣的人来说 这应该很容易
It should be easy for a smart, funny guy like you.
由于时间限制 你今晚就需要搞定
Due to time constraints, you need to do the job tonight.
为了确保你的忠诚
And just to make sure you remain loyal,
我们要把你的小伙伴留在这里
we're keeping your little friend here with us.
如果我拒绝呢？
And if I refuse?
那我们就把你朋友切成小块
We're gonna chop 'em up into tiny little pieces
然后寄回他家里
and send him home.
而你还是得做这个活
And you still have to do the job.
时间在流逝
Time's wasting, Max.
滴答滴答
Tick-tock.
-滴答 -时钟滴答滴答
- Tick-tock. - Clock's ticking.
明天晚上见 搞笑的家伙
See you tomorrow night, funny Guy.
现在你可以走了
Now you can go.
你有工作要做
You've got work to do.
我们拥有你 麦克斯
Grr-ruff! We own you, Max.
你是我们的宠物狗
You're our lapdog.
汪 汪
Ruff! Ruff!
-还有你那女朋友 -我警告你
- And that girlfriend of yours. - Let's just say
别逼我们把她也抓来当小宠物
it'll be a shame if we have to make her a little pet.
汪 汪
Ruff! Ruff!
麦克斯有恐水症
Max has a water phobia.
恐水症？
A water phobia?
再在这待两天的时间
Hell, two more days out here
我就会有恐沙症
and I'll get a sand phobia.
这个笑话很有
That was a good one.
是的 是啊
Uh, yeah. Uh, oh.
你是唯一还能让我笑出来的人
You know, you're the only one that can still make me laugh.
对一个会说话的玩偶来说
Oh, that's a hell of a burden
这真是个沉重的负担
on the shoulders of a talking doll.
我想谢谢你
I wanna thank you for just,
一直待在我身边
you know, always being
听我讲话 分享
and letting me talk to you and share,
而且
and you know, and...
别 搞得我也想哭了
Now don't get me crying.
你很坚强的
...you know better.
好的 好的
Okay, okay,
让我们 让我们不要变得软弱
let's, let's-- oh, let's don't get mushy.
麦克斯是个好人
You know, Max is a good Guy,
-但是 -但是什么？
- but... - But what?
他可能看起来像个在办公楼里
Well, he may look like a Guy
做文书工作的老实人
that works in an office building,
但他有一段黑历史 相信我
but he's got a history, believe me.
哦？是吗？看
Oh yeah? Look.
我被吓得浑身发抖
I'm shaking all over.
黑历史的神秘力量
History's mystery.
麦克斯 你应该为政♥府♥当杀手
Max, you should do wet work for the government.
我是听说的 他真的很擅长
He was really good at it. That's what I hear.
哦 真的吗？
Oh yeah?
所以他是个... 刺客？
So he was like, uh, an assassin?
一个杀手？一个清算人？
A killer? A liquidator?
一个刽子手？
A executioner?
是的 差不多
Yeah, something like that.
我的名字是塔图 你知道的吧？
Well, I'm tattoo, you know?
我曾经踢过一个孩子的小腿
I once kicked a kid in the shins
就因为他老叫我木偶人塔图
'cause he kept calling me "Tanochio."
我可以忍♥受很多东西 但唯独这个不能忍♥