僵尸情人节（2017）

你可否一直做我的情人
我愿意只为你忠诚
永不让你心伤
你曾经想过永生吗？
Have you ever wanted to live forever?
也许现在是你的机会
Maybe now is your chance.
俄♥罗♥斯♥科学家说 他们即将
Scientists in Russia say they're very very close
解开永恒生命的奥秘
to unlocking the mysteries of eternal life.
而这一切均发生在一个小小的实验室中
They just have one cabinet, and I quote,
他们说“除非实验过程中出现了什么问题”
Unless something goes wrong during the experiments, unquote.
我可要说 探索永恒生命的奥秘
Ugh, oh my, what could possibly go wrong
能出什么错?
playing around with the mysteries of eternal life?
国际新闻报导
In international news,
有一种邪恶的东西出现了
something wicked this way comes.
在俄♥罗♥斯♥和中国
It's being widely rumored
有广为流传的流言称
both in Russia and China
人们正在屠♥杀♥
are calling hundreds of thousands of chickens
成千上万只鸡
in an attempt
以阻止一场
to halt a new variation
禽流感的新型变异
of the so called bird flu.
我们以前难道没有听过这些不着边际的屁话吗？
Now haven't we heard this song and dance before?
当然 我们听过
Of course, we have.
但是在这些流言蜚语中
But this gossip has whispers
人们还谈论着一些更可怕
of something much more fearful and sinister,
更险恶的东西
happening here.
我们极具才华的线人在为证实谣言而
Our multitalented sources are working
努力地调查中 但听众朋友们
to confirm the rumors, but where there's smoke,
无风不起浪
there usually is a fire.
我敢说这一阵“风”
And in this case, folks,
可能会带来一场滔天巨浪
I'd venture to say it could be a raging inferno.
不好意思
Now excuse me,
但我现在要插播一条
but we have to take
令人讨厌的商业广♥告♥
an obscene commercial profit break.
情人节即将来临
Valentine's Day is just around the corner,
你一定会想要看起来美美的
and you're gonna wanna look your very best.
你有没有想过要让自己的衣服白上加白？
Have you ever wanted your clothes to be a whiter white?
我保证你想
Well, of course, you have.
朋友们 爱 就在空气中
Love is in the air, folks.
缓刑 戴尔？
Probation, Dale?
我已经尽力了
I did the best I could.
你不可能成为这座城市里
You can't be the savior
每一个人的救世主 麦克斯
of the every dog and cat in the city, Max.
再说 你把那家伙的脸打得肿成了个南瓜
Besides, the guy's face was swollen up like a pumpkin.
他活该 戴尔
He deserved it, Dale.
话虽如此
Be that as it may.
敬我最好的朋友 小孩子的保护神
To my best friend, protector of small children
万物生灵的护花使者
and small creatures, great and small.
嘿 你觉得律师和吸血鬼之间
Hey, what's the difference
有什么不同？
between a lawyer and a vampire?
-你不就是律师吗？-我是你的律师
- Aren't you a lawyer? - I'm your lawyer.
所以这问题问你才有意思
That's what's gonna make it funny.
律师和吸血鬼有什么不同呢？
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
不同在于 吸血鬼只会在晚上吸血
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
哦 真有趣
Oh, that's funny, Dale.
我有一百万个这样的笑话
I got a million of 'em.
那可真糟心
That's too bad.
你在流口水 正常人都会流口水
You're drooling. And drooling is normal.
你很正常 麦克斯
You're normal, max.
你只是个凡人
You are just a normal guy.
很难接受 不是吗？
Hard to accept, isn't it?
她来了
Incoming.
所以你是打算整晚都盯着我看
So are you just gonna stare at me all night
还是说你要像个真正的男人去展开行动？
or are you gonna step up to the plate like a real man?
后者吧
I'll step up to the plate.
我不敢相信这招真的管用
I can't believe that line actually worked.
-嘿 我是莎拉 -麦克斯
- Hey, I'm Sara. - Max.
-很高兴见到你 麦克斯 -很高兴见到你
- Very nice to meet you, max. - Nice meeting you.
我可以请你喝杯鸡尾酒吗？
Can I buy you a cocktail?
好啊 我喜欢
Yeah, I like that.
酒保
Bartender.
吸血鬼只会在晚上吸血
Vampire only sucks blood at night.
那 律师最喜欢的是什么？
Hey, what's a lawyer's favorite pour-a-cop reception?
-什么？-他的性格
- What? - His personality.
我有一百万个笑话
I got a million of 'em.
-你要进来吗？ -我不确定
- So are you coming in? - I'm not sure.
-我很久没约过会了 -哦 麦克斯
- It's been awhile for me. - Oh, Max,
就和骑自行车一样
it's like riding a bike.
你知道怎么骑自行车吧？
You know how to ride a bike, don't you?
我可是我街区的自行车王呢
I was the bicycle king of my block, if that counts?
哇 整个街区？
Oh, the whole block?
-是的 -哇
- Oh yeah. - Wow.
真是令人印象深刻
I'm impressed.
那你应该展示一下你的真本事了
I think you should bring that whole bicycle king inside.
我还会再见到你吗？
Will I see you again?
野马也不能把我拖走
Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
究竟有没有人花时间读过这篇文章？
Has anyone even taken the time to read this?
各位？
Hello?
有人吗？
Anyone?
对于那些不清楚的人 我告诉你们
For those of you who do not know,
我曾经在伦敦的舞台上表演莎剧
I performed Shakespeare on the stage in London.
是舞台上的吟游诗人
The bard onstage,
在伦敦哟
in London.
“马、马”
"A horse, a horse,
“一马失社稷”
my kingdom for a horse."
厉害吧
Mm-hmm.
你们能看到我眼中涌出的泪水吗？
Can you see the tears welling up in my eyes?
能看见吗？
Can you not?
你一定就是那位教授了
And you must be the professor.
是的 当然是
Yes, but of course, you are.
请原谅我的长篇大论 但是这个行业
Excuse my little tirade, but this business
能让一个成年男人哭
can drive a grown man to cry.
可以开拍了吗？
Are we ready to shoot this?
你们准备好了吗？
Are you guys ready up there?
好的
Okay.
好了 准备得当了
All right, quite on the set.
大家好 我叫菲尔·菲尔宾
Hello, my name is Phil Philbin
谢谢收看
and thank you for watching
这一♥期♥的怪物狂热
this edition of "Monster Mania."
今天我邀请到了嘉宾 鲁伯特·斯图本博士
Today I have with me my esteemed guest, Dr. Rupert Stuben,
经常在哈佛和麻省理工之类的一流学府
frequent lecturer at such stellar institutions as
担任讲师
Harvard and MIT.
他现在专为世界卫生组织工作
He now works exclusively for the World Health Organization.
欢迎你
Welcome.
教授
Professor,
让我直接说重点吧
let me get right to the point.
那些谣言是真的吗？
Are the rumors true?
嗯 我们每天都有很多新的谣言
Well, we have many new rumors on a daily basis.
你说的具体是哪一个？
Which rumors are you talking about specifically?
呃 让我们看看
Uh, duh, let's see.
中国正在屠♥杀♥鸡类
China killing chickens.
是因为可能有一种新型而危险的禽流感即将爆发？
A new, may be sinister, bird flu at our door?
我相信你们都知道
As I'm sure you are aware,
谣言通常会给人们带来恐惧和焦虑
rumors cause, fear and anxiety
各个年龄阶段的人都会受谣言影响
this many of the population.
年轻人也好老年人也罢
The young people, the old people,
尤其是那些受教育程度不高的人
uh, especially, the ill educated.
但重要的是
But more importantly,
这些仅是谣言
the misplaced rumors.
说不准是你弄错了
Maybe you're misplaced.
我是科学工作者 菲尔宾先生
I deal In fact, Mr. Philbin.
我是来降低大家的恐惧的
I am here to dampen the phobia.
事实上 教授
Fact this, professor.
你是否真的有毅力坐在这里否认