我爸写了小黄书（2019）

Ooh.
-等等 等等 所以娜塔莎是在这样抚摸 -对
- Hang on, hang on, hang on. So, Natasha's like that. - Yeah.
-贝琳达是一边道歉一边小心脱裤子 -是的 就是
- But Belinda's like, "I'm so sorry." - Yeah, so like...
“我能不能 就是”
"Can I just, like..."
你介意吗 哦 喔哦
Do you mind if...? Oh, whoa!
-喔喔喔 -我什么都没干 我什么都没干
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
-你碰到了个不得了的东西啊 -我才没有
You touched a bollock. No, I didn't!
-你碰到了 -她真的碰到了
- You did. - Did she really?
你碰到了个不得了的东西
You touched a bollock.
-没事吧 我以为我们很默契的 -你刚还在说
It was fine. I thought we were fine. You were just saying...
-爱丽丝进入我的阴蒂了 -我没有
Alice entered my clitoris. No, I didn't.
我一点都不惊讶 莱文的五指都直冲冲地戳过去了
I'm not surprised. Five-finger Levine was going for it up there.
她肯定很喜欢这样
She was absolutely loving it.
“贝琳达把她的左腿
"Belinda put her left leg up
搭在娜塔莎雕花橡木船长椅的扶手上”
on the arm of Natasha's carved oak captain's chair."
-“她左手撩动她乌黑的头发 -哦
"She ran her left hand through her raven mane... Ooh!
“右手抚摸着她匀称的身体
"...whilst her right caressed her shapely body.
“沿着她紧绷的大腿内侧
"Tracing the line of her taut inner thigh,
她的指尖滑上娜塔莎宽阔的肩膀”
she stroked her fingertips over Natasha's broad shoulders."
抱歉 杰米 抱歉打断你
Sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry to interrupt. Yes. Sorry.
有没有和我一样听懵了的
Anyone else getting a bit lost?
-说实话是有点难跟上 -是的 就像是
- It is a bit hard to follow, yeah. To be fair. - Yeah, like...
-就这样 -就这样
- Just... just now. - Just now.
-好像突然跳转了地方 -是的 是的
- Like, bits are going in different places. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-像是在玩扭扭乐不是吗 -是的
It's kind of turning into a bit of a game of Twister, isn't it? Yeah. It is.
你知道这是一个很好的机会吗
Do you know what this would be a great opportunity to do?
-我们在播客上做不到的 -要早点走吗
Something we can't do on the podcast. Leave early?
-不 不过是个好主意 -不 不 不了 是的
No. But great idea. No, no, no, no. Yeah.
-一种消遣 -是的
A recreation. Yes!
让我们把这本书情景再现
Let's bring the book to life!
-我迫不及待了 -我也加入
I'm up for that. Yeah. I'm game. Yeah.
好的 很好 所以我需要一些志愿者
Okay, great. So I'm gonna need a couple of volunteers
从观众中挑选
from the audience.
我要 我要从他们中走过了
I'm gonna go... I think I'm gonna go amongst them.
-祝你好运 -为我加油吧 我要上了
Good luck. Lube me up. I'm going in.
好的 那么 有谁愿意吗 或者贡献出你们的同伴也行
All right. Okay. Um, anyone... anyone someone's plus one?
谁都好 我究竟在 哦 哦
Anyone, like, what the hell am I... Oh! Oh!
-你好 -你好
Hello. Hi.
-你好 呃 你是被拉出来的吗 -是的
Hi. Uh, so you're a plus one? Yes.
-你是在约会吗 -不是
Is this a date? No.
-是的 -你在约会
Yes, it is. It's a date?
-是约会 是约会 -初次约会吗
It is. It is. A first date?
没错
Yes, it is.
-你说什么 -绝对是初次约会
What was that? It definitely is a first date.
哦 我的天 我们找到一对初次约会的情侣 我的天啊 好吧
Oh, my God! We've got a first date! Oh, my God. Right.
-好吧 好吧 你的名字是 -爱丽 爱丽
Right, right, right. What's your name? Ari. Ari!
-爱丽 好的爱丽 你叫 -汤姆
Ari. Ari, and... Tom.
爱丽和汤姆
Ari and Tom.
-那么 你们是怎么认识的 -我们是同事
So, how did you meet? We work together.
你们是同事 天啊 这像极了贝琳达啊
You work together? Oh, my God. It's like Steeles Pots and Pans!
你在哪工作
Where do you work?
别 别
No, no...
-一个化学公♥司♥ -别说了
A chemical company. No, no.
一个化学公♥司♥
A chemical company.
我们公♥司♥生产避孕套用乳胶
Our company makes the latex for condoms.
你♥他♥妈♥是在逗我吗
Are you fucking joking me?
哦 天哪
Oh, my God.
嗯 呃 我希望你今晚能用上你们公♥司♥的产品
Well, um, I hope you manage to use your own products this evening.
祝你有个美妙的夜晚 伙计们给他们一些掌声
Have a fabulous night. Give 'em a round of applause, guys.
呃 好了 今晚有谁愿意为我们
Uh, okay. So, would anyone like to help us recreate
展现一个场景吗
a scene this evening?
哦 真棒 天啊 她有贝琳达那样完美的头发
Oh, yes. Oh, my God. She's got, like, the perfect Belinda hair.
好的
Okay.
-你好 你叫什么 -凯蒂
Hello. What's your name? Katie.
凯蒂 好的凯蒂 你是做什么的
Katie. Okay, Katie. What do you do for a job?
-我是厨师 -她是厨师
I'm a chef. She's a chef!
她的工作离不开锅碗瓢盆
She works with pots and pans!
-这是命中注定 -绝对是
- It's fate. - It's meant to be.
你太棒了 凯蒂 你就是我们的贝琳达
You're perfect. Katie, you're our Belinda.
来吧
There you go.
走向舞台 呃 我们还需要一位娜塔莎
Head up to the stage. Uh, we also need a Natasha.
-所以你愿意当娜塔莎吗 -当然
So, will you be our Natasha? Of course. Yeah.
很好 好的 我们有娜塔莎了 给她掌声
Amazing. Okay. We have our Natasha. Give her a round of applause.
到舞台上去吧 走吧
Head up to the stage. Let's go.
好的 你坐在这把椅子上
Okay. Right. So, if you take a seat
扮演娜塔莎
in the chair, you're Natasha.
你站在这 你是贝琳达
You stand there. You're Belinda.
好的 是这样的
Okay. Right. So, what's gonna happen is,
杰米会读那本小说
Jamie's gonna read from the book,
你就按照他读的演出来 行吗
and you literally have to act out what he says. Okay?
祝你们好运 真可怕啊
Good luck. It's bad.
呃 我想我们该帮两位
Um, I feel like we need to help these two
-找找感觉 你们说呢 -是的 我觉得应该要
- get in the mood, though, don't we? - Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
我们能不能让台上营造出一种性感的氛围
Could we set, uh, a kind of sexy mood onstage, please?
-哦 很好 -我也有些东西给你们
Ooh, yes. I also have something for you.
-哦 哇哦 -LED蜡烛灯 真不错啊爱丽丝
- Oh, wow. - LED tea-lights. Alice!
你怎么会有这种东西
You shouldn't have.
我觉得我们发掘出了爱丽丝莱文的私生活
I think we're learning a lot about Alice Levine's private life, here.
-LED蜡烛灯 -它们总是能发挥作用 每次都是
LED tea-lights. Hello! They work every time. Every time. Yeah.
好了 杰米 我想我们准备好了
Okay, Jamie. I think we're ready.
-你随时开始 -好的
So, when you're ready to... Okay.
“贝琳达把她的左腿
"Belinda put her left leg
搭在娜塔莎雕花橡木船长椅的扶手上”
up on the arm of Natasha's carved oak captain's chair."
好的 你就 哇哦
Okay, you have to come... Whoa!
所以原来是这样的景象
So that's what it looks like!
哦 天哪
Oh, gods!
好的 等等 你有么有 哦 我能借用一些那个吗？
Okay, hang on. Have you got... Oh, can I just borrow that?
好的 你抬起左腿 相信我
Okay, put your left foot up. Trust me, trust me.
好的 架在扶手上
Okay. On the arm. On the arm.
好的 拿着这个 拿到那里 好的
There you go. Hold that there. Hold that there. Okay.
“她左手撩动她乌黑的头发
"She ran her left hand through her raven mane,
右手抚摸着她匀称的身体”
whilst her right caressed her shapely body."
-我帮你拿着帽子 你继续吧 -谢谢
I'll hold the hat for you. There you go. Oh, thank you.
-哦 我的天啊 我的天啊 -真棒啊
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Yes!
喔哦
Woo!
有谁硬了吗 因为
Has anyone else got a semi, because...
实在是太性感了
This is hot stuff.
“沿着她紧绷的大腿内侧”
"Tracing the line of her taut inner thigh..."
没错 真好
There you go. Yeah.
“她的指尖滑上娜塔莎宽阔的肩膀”
"...she stroked her fingertips over Natasha's broad shoulders."
好的 你手放过来 像抚摸猫一样抚摸她 就是这样
Okay, so if you bring them around here, just stroke her like a cat. There you go.
哦 差点 哦 天
Oh! Almost! Oh, God.
抬腿 手放这 来 继续
Leg up. Arm here. There we go.
我觉得詹姆斯会是个专横的情人
I feel like James would be such a bossy lover.
-不 手放那里 不 摸我那里 -抬腿 手放这 试试
No, arm there. No, caress me there. Leg up. Arm there. Come on.
-好的 -“她抓上了她的左胸”
Yeah. Okay. "She grabbed her left breast."
这是洛奇写的 情有可原
If Rocky's written it, it's possible.
我从前面抓吧
I have to grab it forward.
好的 她抓上胸了
There we go. She's on the breast!
我拿帽子
I'll take that.
“她捏了捏状似坚果的乳♥头♥”
"She squeezed a nut-shaped nipple..."
等一下 等一下 我们有坚果
Wait, wait, wait. We've got nuts.
我们有坚果 我们给你拿个坚果来
We've got some nuts. We'll bring you a nut.
好吧 看看我们有些什么
Okay, what have we got?
你喜欢哪个 你喜欢什么形状的乳♥头♥
What would you like? What nipple would you like?
-我们就用这个好吗 -没问题
Should we go with that one? Yeah, sure.
-这个真不错 很适合 -这很无礼 不过说得没错
- That's nice and fancy. - That's offensive, but, yeah.
不 不 你拿着它
No, no. You hold it.
你在乳♥头♥的位置拿着它 就是这样
You hold it where the nipple goes. There we go.
“她捏了捏状似坚果的乳♥头♥
"She squeezed a nut-shaped nipple
食指顺着乳♥头♥的轮廓游走”