我爸写了小黄书（2019）

-这可真是个盛大的庆典 -可不是嘛
-This is a celebration! -Hells yeah!
靠
Damn!
为人♥民♥干杯
Power to the people.
嘿 我只是想再看你一眼
Hey! I just wanted to take another look at you.
好的 让我们追根溯源 杰米
So, take us back to the beginning, Jamie.
这一切都是怎么发生的
How did this all start?
呃 好吧 就是 大概四年前
Um, okay. So, about four years ago,
呃 我收到一个叫洛奇 弗林特斯通的人的电子邮件后
um, my life changed forever,
我的生活彻底改变了
uh, when I got an email from a guy called Rocky Flintstone.
没想到这个洛奇 弗林特斯通是我老爸
It turned out that Rocky Flintstone was my dad,
他一直偷偷在花♥园♥里的小屋里写情♥色♥小说
and he'd been secretly writing porn in the garden shed.
一本叫 眨眼的贝琳达 的小说
The book was called Belinda Blinked,
写得非常糟糕
and it was horrific.
简直不可思议
It was amazing.
这绝对是史上最糟的书
It's the best worst book ever written.
然后我的朋友 詹姆斯和爱丽丝 让我把它读给全世界听
So then my friends, James and Alice, made me read it to the whole world.
“贝琳达眨了眨眼 她不是在做梦
"Belinda Blinked. It wasn't a dream.
“面试官刚刚让她脱掉她的夹克和丝绸衬衫”
"The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse."
这系列书的主角是一个叫贝琳达 布卢门撒尔的女人
And the books are about a woman called Belinda Blumenthal,
她在世界各处兜售钢锅瓢盆
who shags her way around the world, selling pots and pans.
pots and pans引申义为极度贫穷
这本书一半讲情♥色♥一半讲职场
It's one-half erotica, one-half business manual.
于是我们开始了播客 从只有几个听众
So we started a podcast, and it went from a few people listening...
啊 我看不见路了
I can't see anything! Aah!
哦 我笑到哭出来了
Oh, no! I wet myself!
到现在听众如云
...to quite a lot of people listening.
不过我们要说实话 这本书并不性感
But we should say, it's not a sexy book.
“贝琳达呻♥吟♥着 而公爵夫人哼着小曲
"As Belinda groaned, the duchess hummed,
“盯着她水润多汁的蜜♥穴♥”
"watching her perspiring pussy meat."
啊
Ack!
洛奇的比喻很奇特
Rocky's metaphors are unique.
她的乳♥头♥现在和三英寸长的铆钉一样大了
Her nipples were now as large as the three-inch rivets
大到仿佛能铆住即将崩解掉泰坦尼克号♥
which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.
他对女性的身体没有任何概念
And he has zero concept of the female body.
“他抓住了她的宫颈”
"He grabbed her cervix..."
他是要杀了她吧
He's gonna kill her.
老实讲 如果不是有我这个儿子作证
Honestly, if I wasn't sat here right now,
我敢发誓他肯定是个老处♥男♥
I would swear to God he was a virgin.
人们居然想要拍出电影版 这太疯狂了
I mean, it got so crazy that people were even talking about a movie version.
甚至有适合的演员排队等着试镜呢
And actual, proper actors were lining up to play the characters.
我挺想要扮演罗宾斯医生的
I do like the idea of playing Dr. Robbins.
我觉得我该穿上一套宽大的衣裳来演吉姆 斯特林
I feel like I should put on a fat suit and play Jim Sterling.
我倒很想扮演阿尔菲 就是那个矮小的男人
I'd quite like to play Alfie, the smallish man.
我想扮演阿达姆
I would go for Adaam.
我已经和我的经纪人谈过了
I've already spoken to my agents about it.
是的 事情是有点失控了
Yeah, it all got a little bit out of hand.
我爸写了小黄书 我爸写了小黄书
My Dad Wrote a Porno. My Dad Wrote a Porno.
我爸写了小黄书 我爸写了小黄书
My Dad Wrote a Porno. My Dad Wrote a Porno.
你父亲的作品和哈姆雷特
There are similarities between
有异曲同工之妙
your father's work, and Hamlet.
-哦 天啊 -看
- Oh, my God! - Look!
他真♥他♥妈♥是个天才
He's a fucking genius.
继续啊 还有什么精彩的东西
Come on! How else have we got here?
所以现在 我在HBO上看我爸的小黄书
So now, I'm reading my dad's porn on HBO.
真是太棒了
Brilliant.
伦敦卡姆登圆屋现场直播
Live from the Camden Roundhouse, London,
欢迎杰米 詹姆斯和爱丽丝
please welcome Jamie, James, and Alice.
喔 好的
Woo! All right!
喔 喔
Woo! Woo-hoo!
喔
Woo!
-耶 -好啊
- Yay! - Yes!
嗨 伙计们 我叫杰米
Hi, guys. Um, my name's Jamie, and...
我爸写了小黄书
my dad wrote a porno.
-是真的 -是的 是真的
- It's true. - Yes, he did.
他真的写了
He did do...
谢谢 谢谢 虽然这可以算是我的地狱了 但是你们还是可以当乐子看的
Thank you, thank you. It's my hell, but your entertainment.
嗯 我爸爸
Uh, to my dad,
传说一般的人物 洛奇 弗林特斯通
the legend. Rocky Flintstone.
好家伙 好了好了
What a guy. Okay. Okay.
就是他写了这些糟糕的东西 是吗
So he wrote these shit books, right?
甚至最开始的时候 他写的狗屎东西
And right at the start, he wrote something that even he thought
他自己都看不下去 不忍♥放进“眨眼的贝琳达”系列里
was too shit to include in any of the Belinda Blinked books.
-所以我今晚就要读那些 -啊 你……
- So I'm reading that tonight. - Aw, you...
是的 是的
Yes, yes.
那么它讲了什么呢 发生了什么事
What's it about exactly? What happens? Um...
嗯 它是眨眼的贝琳达的一个章节 所以它什么都没讲
Well, it is a Belinda Blinked chapter, so it's not about anything, at all.
是的 但它讲了贝琳达 布卢门撒尔的事
Sure. But it involves Belinda Blumenthal,
钢锅瓢盆的国际销♥售♥总监
the international sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans.
基本上是她带着她的区域销♥售♥经理
Um, and she basically takes her regional sales managers
去参加一个团队建设日
on a kind of team building away day.
因为很显然
Um, 'cause, obviously...
-真好啊 -因为这是一本关于职场的书啊
It's so good. 'Cause, well, it's a business book.
所以他们的团建休息日也完全说得过去
So, you know, they're doing a corporate away day. Makes absolute sense.
好的 伦敦的朋友们 你们准备好了吗
Well, London, are you ready for this?
我想我们应该 玩喝酒惩罚游戏
I think we should, uh, play the drinking game.
呼声挺高啊 是吧 要来吗
That's a great shout. Yes. Yeah? Up for it?
我们应该制定正式的规则
We should establish official rules.
-是 当然了 当然了 -我们也许应该 你懂的
- Yeah, sure, sure, sure. - We should probably, you know...
正式的规则 好的 那么
The official rules. Okay. Well what about...
你知道洛奇多喜欢关注无关紧要的细节吗
You know how Rocky likes to focus on unnecessary details,
拿拍电影打比方 在做♥爱♥的时候
like, if the camera was on them, like, shagging,
镜头会慢慢飘到窗帘上
it would slowly zoom to the curtains.
是的 是的 它关注的都是些愚蠢的东西
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it just focuses on the most stupid things.
分散人的注意 是的 没错
Distracted. Yes. Yeah. Exactly.
所以每次都有一些不必要的细节 比如喝酒
So every time there's, like, an unnecessary detail, drink.
-是的 赞成 -好 好
- Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. - Good, good.
好的 我的规定就是 语法 糟糕的语法
Okay, uh, my rule is gonna be... grammar, bad grammar.
是的 没错 因为我感觉他每次都是最后才来修饰语法
Yes. Exactly. Um, 'cause I feel like he does it all afterwards.
你懂的 他在最后才会过一遍文章
Yeah. You know, after the event. So he'll go through,
这里加个分号♥ 这里一个句点
a little semicolon, full stop in there.
这里用逗号♥吧 对了 省略号♥
Let's put a comma. Yeah. Apostrophe.
对他来说 我想分号♥像是在朝他眨眼
For him, I think a semicolon is just his work winking back at him.
说着“干得漂亮 洛奇”
He's like, "You're doing a great job, Rocky."
嗯 我想 如果你们每个人都只为一条规定喝酒的话
Um, and I think, you know, if you're only gonna drink on one of the rules tonight,
那么贝琳达眨眼的时候大家都要喝酒
uh, everybody must drink when Belinda blinks.
成交
Deal. Yes.
在我们开始之前 我想有一件
Before we start, I just think there's one thing
非常非常重要的事需要注意
that's really, really important to just note. Yeah.
不管你读了什么 那都是你♥爸♥爸写的
Whatever we read, your dad wrote it.
看看这大屏幕上写着什么呢
Looks what's behind me!
我爸写了小黄书
-真是让我困扰 -我们已经写得最大了
That's gonna haunt me. That's as big as we can manage.
-我们该翻开书了 -这本书
But I think we should open the book. This thing here.
爸爸写的小黄书 爸爸写的小黄书 爸爸写的小黄书
Dad porn, dad porn, dad porn.
好了
Okay.
“眨眼的贝琳达”
"Belinda blinked."
喝
Drink!
随意找个地方开始 我敢肯定我会喝到烂醉的
Start as we mean to go on... I'm gonna shit-faced. I can just tell.
失落之章
The Lost Chapter.
-“与区域销♥售♥经理的团队建设……” -好啊
- "Team Building with the Regional Sales Managers..." - Yeah!
分号♥
Semicolon.
看吧 已经开始了 干杯
Yes. It's already started. Cheers.
从标题就开始犯错了 不愧是洛奇
On a title. Yes, Rocky.
“贝琳达 布卢门撒尔 锅碗瓢盆的国际销♥售♥总监
"Belinda Blumenthal, international sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans,
“将她的奔驰车
"turned her Mercedes into the driveway
“开进了那座僻静庄园的车道
"of the secluded manor house,
“她雇了一个人来组织白天的狂欢活动 ”
"she had hired for the team building away day extravaganza..."
-喔 -“在康沃尔海岸的团建”
Whoa! "...on the Cornish coast."
-哦 那是这世界上很美好的地方 -是的
- Oh! Very nice part of the world, very nice. - It is...
它是很美好
It is a lovely part of the world,
但从伦敦开车过去要七个小时
but it's also about a seven-hour drive from London.