白烂贱客2

-满意了吗 -巧克力 好多了
- Happy? - Chocolate. That's better.
对一个小女孩来说 比大♥麻♥好多了
Way better than weed for a little girl.
是啊 你想来点吗
Yeah. You want some?
靠 当然 我超爱吃糖
Shit, yeah. I love sugar.
你俩不吃巧克力吗
You guys aren't gonna eat any chocolate?
不 我抽大♥麻♥ 但是我不吃食用大♥麻♥
No. Um, I smoke my weed, I don't eat it.
晕晕棒
Punch Bar?
那巧克力里面有大♥麻♥
There's weed in that chocolate?
我们 我靠 她给我们下毒了
We... Holy shit. She poisoned us.
这东西没毒 不过非常强力
It isn't poison, but it is potent.
你们吃了 大概推荐剂量的五十倍
And you ate, uh, 50 times the recommended dosage.
这俩老傻♥逼♥死定了
These old fuckers are gonna die.
跟你说
You... You know what?
不 不 冷静 冷静
No, no, no. Calm down. Calm down.
你以为我们受不住可食用大♥麻♥吗
You think we can't handle edibles?
你以为我们搞不定这些小小的巧克力棒吗
You think we can't handle these silly-ass chocolate bars?
那你就错了
You're mistaken.
她俩真是难以置信
Can you believe these two?
食用大♥麻♥屁都不算 对吗
Edibles ain't shit, right?
有大♥麻♥烟卷吗
You got a blunt?
有叶子吗 兄弟
You got weed, brother?
别抽了 傻♥逼♥
Back out of the club, nigga.
我了个去 沉默鲍勃 看 是马索和莱德
Holy shit, Silent Bob, look, it's Method & Red.
我们有客人了
We got visitors.
我是杰伊 这是我的直男人生伴侣 沉默鲍勃
I'm Jay and this is my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob.
沉默鲍勃 是吧
Silent Bob, huh?
挺酷的 是你的说唱艺名吗
That's kind of hot. That's your rap name?
我们是来这里寻求建议的
We came here seeking advice.
那你们算是来对了
Well, look no further.
我和莱德都是人生导师
Me and Red, we got life experience.
就像掘客网站上那样 随便问吧
Like they say on Reddit. Ask me anything.
好的 飞叶子大♥师♥
Okay, great masters of the green.
我刚发现我有个孩子
I just found out I have a kid
她就在巧克力里下药 把我们迷晕了
and then that kid roofied us with chocolates.
个人建议 如果你有个能给你大♥麻♥的孩子
My advice, if you got a kid that'll get you stoned...
那就再生个一模一样的
have another kid just like that one.
-精辟 精辟 -一模一样
- Facts. Facts. - Just like that.
问题是我跟本不知道如何做父亲
The thing is I don't know how to be a father.
我都没见过我爸
I didn't even know my own dad
我不知道爸爸应该怎么做
and I don't know what dads are supposed to do.
从哲学层面上来讲
Philosophically in a manner of speaking,
有孩子不代表你就是爸爸了
being a father does not necessarily make one a dad,
没错吧 老师
am I right, Doc?
伙计们 任何男人 只要有屌♥
Guys, anybody and I mean, anti-body...
能射
with cum...
就能当父亲
can be a father.
但只有心中有爱 才能当好爸爸 明白吗
But only love can make you a dad, you understand me?
行了吧 你满嘴屌♥啊射啊的
Okay. Wait a minute. How you gonna talk about love
还想谈论什么是爱
and you flinging cum all over the place?
真够粗俗的 哥们
That shit's unseemly, brah.
粗俗吗 去你的 听着
Unseemly? God damn it, listen,
你想当个好爸爸吗
you wanna be a good dad?
那就想想你♥爸♥搞砸过的
Then just think of all the fucked-up shit
所有破事
your dad did wrong,
看看你什么样子就知道了 然后反其道而行之
'cause... look at you, and do the opposite.
-懂了吗 -但我从没见过我爸
- Feel me? - But I never met my own dad.
但你见过你的孩子
But you met your kid.
就这样 明白了吗
There you go. See?
你已经比你♥爸♥做得好了 哥们
You already a better dad than your dad ever was, bruh.
现在滚出去然后出发吧
Now, get the fuck out and hit the road.
-出发上路 -上路
- Hit the road. - The road.
-出发上路 -上路
- The road. - The road.
-出发上路 -上路
- The road. - The road.
-出发上路 -上路
- The road. - The road.
上路
The road.
老兄
Whoa, dude.
今天又不是葫芦亲热日 老兄
This isn't Hulu and hump day, dude.
万一有人看见怎么办
Man, what if someone saw?
我看见你们了
I saw you.
这就把你们发到图享网上去
And I'm putting you on my Instagram,
话题标签 老年人啪啪啪时
#whenoldpeoplefuck.
我的妈呀 是恐♥怖♥分♥子♥
Holy shit, it's a terrorist.
哪里 恐♥怖♥分♥子♥在哪
Where? Where? Where's the terrorist?
她才不是恐♥怖♥分♥子♥ 你这二♥逼♥
She's not a terrorist, you fuck.
但讽刺的是 她的名字叫圣♥战♥
But ironically her name is Jihad,
所以尽情嘲笑吧
so do with that what you will.
祝你们平安
As-salamu alaykum.
听着像小孩呓语一样
That sounds like baby talk.
不 我只是在说话 小屁孩
No, that's just talk, baby.
叫你小屁孩的意思是 你这个死老头
And by baby, I mean oldest man I've ever met.
这俩傻♥逼♥多大了
How old are these fuckers?
我很肯定他俩经历过90年代
I'm pretty sure they were alive during the '90s.
不可能吧 那时候还没有互联网
No way. That's before they even built the internet.
圣♥战♥ 那时候连金字塔都没有
Jihad, that was, like, before they built the pyramids.
圣♥战♥ 这名字听起来怎么这么耳熟
Jihad? Why does that name sound familiar.
如果你敢得罪我们
If you fuck with any of us,
我就如我之名 让你没入黄土 安德希尔
I live up to my name and I put you underground, Underhill.
现在的姑娘都随身带刀吗
Does every girl carry a knife nowadays?
在这个满是屌♥的世界里
Well, in a world full of dicks,
带刀能让女孩有话语权
knives really help a girl make a point.
而且如果你有个女儿
And if you had a daughter,
-难道你不想让她带一把刀吗 -当然想
- wouldn't you want her to carry a knife? - Shit yes.
其实不想 我确实有个女儿
Shit, no, I have a daughter
而且被她拿刀指着吓死我了
and she scared me when she pulled a knife on me.
这位瘆人的贞子在干什么呢
What's this creepy Ring shit?
这位是我不瘆人的朋友 山芋 中国人
This is my not creepy friend, Shan Yu, she's from China.
她在密苏里州上车的
We picked her up in Missouri.
密苏里州 我们现在在哪
Missouri? Where the fuck are we now?
离新奥尔良不远
Just outside New Orleans.
-我们在康涅狄格州吗 -是路易斯安那州 老天
- We're in Connecticut? - It's Louisiana, man, Jesus.
路易斯安那州 我睡了多久了
Louisiana? How long was I asleep for?
-18个小时 -什么
- Eighteen hours straight. - What?
我跟你说了那个食用大♥麻♥效力很强
I told you those edibles were strong.
哥们 你怎么不把我叫醒
Dude, why didn't you wake me up?
我们这样永远到不了好莱坞
We'll never make it to Hollywood now.
什么鬼
What the fuck?
山芋录下听到的对话 为播客积累素材
Shan Yu records every interaction she hears for her podcast,
以此让她在中国的听众
which she uses to contextualize life in America
了解美国的生活
for her audience in China.
播客的名字叫做
The podcast is called
《自视甚高的美国人与第一世界问题》
The American Entitled and Their First World Problems.
山芋听得懂英语 安德希尔先生
Shan Yu understands English, Mr. Underhill.
只是不会说罢了
She just can't speak it.
其实跟你有点像
Kind of like you actually.
等一下 车在哪
Wait a minute, where the fucks the car at?
现在我们有六个人
Now that there are six of us,
就需要一辆更大的车了
we need a bigger whip than Ride Me Now has,
我们得弄辆面包车
so we're gonna get a van.
你♥他♥妈♥是傻♥逼♥吗
What are you, fucking dumb or something?
在这鸟不拉屎的地方怎么弄面包车
How are you gonna get a van in the middle of nowhere?
多亏有捕食者转换行动
Thanks to Operation Predator Editor.
好了 全体就位
Okay, places, everybody, places.
捕食者转换行动是什么鬼
What the fuck is Operation Predator Editor?
捕食者转换行动
步骤详解
这就是捕食者转换行动
This is Operation Predator Editor.
第一步 米莉妮恩自♥拍♥裸照
Phase one, Millennium takes naked selfies.
-不是吧 -已经完成了
- No, she didn't. - She did.
第二步 米莉妮恩把裸照发到恋童癖网站上
For phase two, Millennium posts selfies on pedophile website.
-什么鬼 为什么 -第三步
- What the fuck? Why? - For phase three,
米莉妮恩约一个有面包车的恋童癖
Millennium tells interested pedophile with van