哈默尼与我（2009）

-嗨，哈莫尼 -嗨
- Hi, Harmony. - Hi.
你看起来挺好的，你衣服鞋子很搭
You look good. You're... you're matching...
真可爱
That's cute.
太蠢了
It's stupid.
太蠢了
It's stupid.
-那是我的运动衫 -它之前是喽
- That's my sweatshirt. - It was.
-但你不是送我了吗 -我想要回来
- You gave it to me. - I want it back.
但你已经送我了啊，而且你还有我的瑜伽垫呢
You gave it to me. You have my yoga mat.
瑜伽太蠢了…
Yoga was dumb...
我本来想感谢你夺走了我的所有东西
I meant to thank you for taking everything from me.
但是我忘了…
I forgot...
我要感谢你夺走了我的所有东西
I meant to thank you for taking everything from me.
打扰一下
Excuse me.
打扰一下
Excuse me.
你知道这是什么瓜吗？
Do you know what kind of melons these are ?
打扰一下先生，你懂酒吗
Excuse me, sir. Do you know anything about wine ?
什么酒搭配意大利面和蛤蜊酱比较好？
What will go good with linguini and clam sauce ?
出于某种原因，每次我出门
For some reason, every time I went outside,
我邻居永远会和她的狗一起神奇地出现
my neighbor would more or less magically appear with her dog.
一条出奇讨厌的苏格兰梗犬，叫施耐德
A uniquely obnoxious Scottish Terrier called Schneider.
…就好像我只能看见它，它就…那么悬在那
Like all I saw was her, and she was... like hanging down.
你必须得把它们扶起来才能洗到它们底下的部分
You had to lift them up to wash under them.
又巨大又下垂…
Like just huge and saggy...
就好像我看见施耐德先生我就知道我必须要养一只狗一样
When I saw Mrs. Schneider I knew I had to have a dog.
我看见我奶奶的时候我就知道我必须得去做隆胸了
And when I saw my grandma I knew that I had to have a boob job
越早越好
as soon as possible. ASAP.
所以你晚些时候想过来坐坐吗？
So do you want to come over later ?
哈喽
Hello !
这是啥？
What is this ?
这是俄♥罗♥斯♥版的《拖家带口》
It's Married with Children, the Russian version.
你能教我这个吗？
Can you teach me this ?
这是我最喜欢的部分
That's my favorite part.
再来一遍
Do it again.
所以就是一样的东西弹两遍
So it does the same thing twice.
不对
No.
-你快弹成了 -宝贝！
- And you got it almost. - Baby !
我不会，我不知道这个节拍有什么用
I can't. I don't really know what the beat does.
宝贝，你能先停一下吗？这事很重要
Baby, can you stop for a minute ? This is important.
怎么了？
What is it ?
宝贝…停一下
Baby... Stop !
-你不用停。咋了？！ -直流，交流是什么意思
- You don't have to stop. What ?! - What does AC/DC mean ?
绝大部分的猴子都能搞明白怎么用那个吸尘器
Most monkey's could probably figure out how to use that vacuum cleaner.
狒狒，黑猩猩
Baboons. Chimpanzees.
用吉他弹会更难
It's harder to play on the guitar.
对你来说可能是吧
For you maybe.
你能不能…在我弹的时候你能不能…
Can you just... If I play this can you just...
我能不能看看你的脚是怎么踩踏板的
Can I just watch your feet on the pedal...
-当然可以… -我就是好奇…
- Sure... - I'm just curious...
我出来没注意过怎么踩踏板
I've never really paid attention.
它每一段都重复
It's like repeating every phrase.
对…但它很微妙，我没有完全抬起来
Yeah... but see it's subtle. I'm not taking it up all the way.
就像踩油门一样
It's like a gas pedal.
我是说…其实不是我失去了她，而是她失去了我
I mean... I didn't really lose her. She lost me... you know...
如果你从这个角度看的话
If you want to look at it that way.
-她失去了你？ -是啊，我们都失去了
- She lost you ? - Yeah. Well we both lost.
一段关系里没人能是赢家。但在这种情况下…
No one wins in love. But in this case...
我也不知道。我昨天晚上抽了大♥麻♥
I don't know. I got stoned last night.
一般我就是抽大♥麻♥，看电视，吃麦片什么的
Usually I just smoke pot, watch TV, and eat cereal.
但昨天晚上我抽了大♥麻♥
But last night I smoked pot
然后我说我要想想到底是怎么一回事
and said I was going to think about what was going on.
然后我就发现了一个残酷的事实
And the cold truth hit me...
就是，基本上来说，她就是单纯不喜欢我了
which is that basically she's just not interested in me...
她现在喜欢上了什么律师
She's interested in some lawyer.
就是…如果…
You know... and it's like... If she had...
如果有人问她我做错了什么
If someone would have asked her what did he do wrong.
她说不出来的
She would say 'nothing'.
如果有人问她我♥干♥了什么不好的事
If someone were to ask her what could he had done differently.
她会说：他没做错什么，他挺好的。我只是现在喜欢上另一个人了
Nothing, he's great. I just like this guy now.
丹有蟹肉饼，但我已经吃腻了蟹肉饼了
Dan has crab cakes. I've already eaten crab cakes.
我现在想换换口味吃焦糖布丁
I'm ready for creme brulee.
而焦糖布丁就是那个年薪五十万的家伙
and creme brulee is the guy who makes 500000 dollars a year, you know
而我能给她的就只有蟹肉饼了
All I've got is crab cakes.
无论如何我也就这样了
Whatever that was me.
最终的修饰，最终的点缀
The finishing touches. The finishing touches.
最终的修饰
The finishing touches.
我喜欢这个…
I like that...
最终的修饰，最终的点缀
The finishing touches. The finishing touches.
-你前挡风玻璃怎么了？ -什么意思？
- What's the deal with the windshield ? - What do you mean ?
-这个玻璃啊 -这是我妈的车
- The windshield. - It's my mom's car.
-你都三十了吧 -我四十了
- You're like thirty. - I'm forty.
你都已经四十了还在开你♥妈♥的♥车
You're forty and drive your mom's minivan.
你不会感到自尊心严重受损吗？
Is that like an on going adrenal rush of low self-esteem ?
闭嘴
Shut up.
你是喜欢把这种低自尊当自助餐一样狂吃吗？
Is that like an all you can eat low self-esteem buffet ?
闭嘴。我爸…在他去世之前…
Shut up. My father... just before he died...
他告诉我要寻求谦逊，去寻找它...寻觅它...
He told me to look for humility, search it out... seek it out...
这车简直就是个谦逊的圣杯
This van is the holy grail of humility.
-牛奶巧克力香蕉片 -过敏
- Milk chocolate covered banana chips. - Allergic.
-黑巧克力生姜片 -过敏
- Dark chocolate covered gingers. - Allergic.
-黑巧克力胡桃仁 -过敏
- Dark chocolate pecans. - Allergic.
-杏仁酒心巧克力？ -过——敏——
- Amaretto Cordials ? - A-l-l-e-r-g-i-c.
你记得…
Do you remember what happened to me...
你记得我吃巧克力会怎么样吗？
Do you remember what happens to me when I eat chocolate ?
就是逗你玩呢
It's worth it !
我没法相信…
I can't believe that...
我没法相信新郎是我哥哥
I can't believe that person is my brother.
我哥哥啊
My brother ? My brother.
我都不知道该说什么
I don't even know what to say.
你说他们的性生活是在结婚前还是结婚后更好？
Would you say their best sex is ahead of them... or behind them ?
别问我
Don't look at me.
我们有一位嘉宾登场…
We got a guest...
女士们先生们，哈莫尼
Harmony, ladies and gentlemen.
好日子啊今天…
So big day...
所以你是…呃…
So are you... Is... are you...
你是…有喜了吗？
Are you... are you expecting ?
你是觉得我体重有问题是吗？
Did you think I had a weight problem or something ?
-可能？ -是啊，怀孕六个月了
- Maybe ? - No, I'm six months pregnant.
好嘞，看起来挺好的
Got it. Looking good. It's a good look.
有种原始的魅力
There's something kind of primal about it.
女士们先生们，让我们为哈莫尼献上热烈的掌声
Alright ! Give it up for Harmony, ladies and gentlemen ! There you go !
我给他说了不要这么干
I told him I did not want to do that.
我专门给他说了，别让我显眼
I specifically said, please don't put me on the spot.
我喜欢
I loved it.
-嗨 -嘿，你好吗？
- Hi. - Hey, how's it going ?
我保证我不影响你
I promise I'll just be a fly on the wall.
你想玩四手联奏吗？
You want to do four hands ?
-你能告诉我怎么弹吗？ -当然了
- Can you show me how it goes ? - Sure.
-你会弹吗？ -我最近学了一点点
- I mean, do you play ? - I've been taking... A little bit.
然后我想着…我最近在试着学一些曲子
And I think... I've actually been trying to learn some songs.
然后这首是这么弹的…
And this one comes like...
真好听，我说真的
I like it a lot. I really do.
我愿意…你能…教我怎么弹吗？
And I'd like... Can you... Will you show me how to play ?
-你能不能… -说出和♥弦♥的名字
- I mean, if you... If you just... - Call out the chords...
我觉得我可以
I think I can do it...
好
Alright.
-C… -对，C
- C... - Yeah... C...
G 然后是F
G and then the F.
有什么好笑的，没有人在笑
What's so funny... is nobody's laughing...
G…
G...
在你改变心意的时候
At this change of heart you're having...