东邻西舍

Associate needed in the incontinence aisle.
给孩子用的!
It's for a baby, sir.
是孩子
A baby.
放 放陪产假居然要放八周
A-And eight weeks for paternity leave?
为什么?
For what?
就是为了建立联♥系♥
Well, to bond.
爸爸们不用这么早建立联♥系♥
Dads don't bond that early.
我们不喂奶!
We don't nurse. That's a fact.
事实上 我喂过格洛弗
Well, actually, I nursed Grover.
我戴了个模拟乳♥房♥♥的装置
Yeah, I wore an apparatus that simulated a breast.
好吧 戴夫你
Okay, okay. Dave, you...
我不想听到你说再多的建立联♥系♥的故事了
I don't need to hear any more of your bonding stories.
我和我的孩子们更亲密
You were no more bond-ier than I was with my boys.
你知道吗
Okay, you know what?
我家阁楼上还有
I bet I still have that old daddy nurser
哺乳父亲的装置 我要把它拿出来
at home in the attic. I'm gonna go get it.
别 别乱来
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
我不需要 我不需要
I don't want it! I don't want it!
我不需要 我不在说你!
I don't-- No, not you, sir.
快回来 快点
No, come back. Come back.
我需要钥匙
I need that little key!
我只希望加尔文能理解
Just wish I could make Calvin understand
陪产假的重要性
why paternity leave is so important.
建立联♥系♥是男人可以做的
You know, bonding is the manliest thing
最男人的事
a man can do.
天啊
Good God!
你记得这个吗
You remember this?
当然了 我试着用了14年忘掉它
I do. I spent 14 years trying to forget it.
好吧 你知道吗
Ah, okay. You know what?
我付出额外努力和儿子建立亲密关系确实得到了回报
Me going the extra mile to bond with my son really paid off.
如果马蒂和达芙妮没有像
And Marty is gonna regret it if he and Daphne
我和格洛弗一样有珍贵的记忆 马蒂一定会后悔的
don't have the same great memories that Grover and I have.
我天
Good God!
你怎么又把这个东西拿出来了
Hey, uh, why do you have all that baby stuff out?
是给马蒂的
Ah, it's for Marty.
但它让我想起了你小时候
But you know it reminded me of all the great times
我们的那段美好时光
that you and I had when you were tiny.
还记得我给你读过愤怒的小推土机
Remember how I used to read you that book
你还会模仿它的声音
about the angry little bulldozer and you would imitate him, like:
呜呜 呜呜
"Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom."
没有
Nope.
那是你太小了
What? Ah, you were pretty young back then.
你还记得我带你去听过赛琳娜冰上探险吗
You remember when I took you to Safari Selina on Ice?
不记得
I do not.
真的吗
Really?
那 密歇根州立博览会呢
Wh-What about the Michigan State Fair?
牛 猪 棉花糖
Cows, pigs, cotton candy?
也不记得了
Mm, no.
雪崩湾水上乐园? -不记得
Avalanche Bay Waterpark? -No.
跳跃小镇? -不记得 -宠物动物园? -不记得
Jumpy Town? -No. -The petting zoo? No.
金宝贝 儿童早教中心
金宝贝? -不记得
Gymboree? -No.
熊熊工作室 毛绒玩具销♥售♥公♥司♥
熊熊工作室? -不记得
Build-A-Bear? -No.
摇摆家族 澳洲广播公♥司♥旗下儿童组合 曾在多地巡回演出
摇摆家族? -这都是什么
The Wiggles? -Nada.
你确定我去过这些地方吗
Are you sure I was there?
我非常肯定
Yes, I'm sure you were there!
我还是从黄牛手里买♥♥的票子
I bought those Wiggles tickets off a scalper
在一个简陋的停车场里
in a very sketchy parking lot.
花了我五倍的价格 你一点也不记得了?
For five times face value. And you don't remember it?
哦 哦
Oh, oh! Oh, yeah.
摇摆家族啊
Yeah, The Wiggles.
我记得 他们 唱歌♥
I remem-- They-they-they sang.
然后 摇摆
And wiggled.
好了 尿裤来了
All right, I got the diapers.
老天 -老天
Oh, damn. -Oh, damn.
这孩子没停过啊
Does that baby ever stop eating?
跟我说说吧
Tell me about it.
顺带一提
Oh, speaking of which,
你下次去超♥市♥
the next time you're at the store,
帮我带点乳♥头♥霜
can you get me some nipple cream?
真的有这个东西吗
Is that a real thing?
当然了
Oh, yeah.
这些坏家伙很经得起折腾
These bad boys take a beating.
你知道吗
Okay, you know what?
12块尿裤就花了75刀
I just spent $75 on 12 diapers.
让他爸买♥♥吧
I'm-a let the baby's daddy get the nipple cream.
拜托
Oh, come on.
你们都是和妈妈一起做的
You all did this with your moms.
太恶心了
Oh, that's nasty.
哦 宝贝 饿吗 -一点也不!
Hi, baby. You hungry? -No!
你兄弟呢
Hey, uh, where's your brother?
他在家里 看YouTube视频
He at home, watching a YouTube video
学习怎么搞尿裤精灵
on how to assemble a Diaper Genie.
让我来问你一些事
L-Let me ask you something.
我们关系很好 对吧
We're close, right?
虽然我在你小时候一直很忙
Even though I worked a lot when you were little?
老爹 你这是有什么事吗
Is, uh, something bothering you, Pop?
是这样的 戴夫说 亲子关系
Well, Dave says that bonding starts
从孩子出生时就要维持
when the baby is born.
我根本没有过陪产假
Well, I didn't take a paternity leave.
我一直在工作
I went right back to work.
他的话让我非常担心
And the truth is, he's got me worrying
我和你没有任何的亲密关系
that I didn't bond with you boys.
好了 我们什么事没做过
No, no, w-we did all types of stuff together, man.
我还记得 当我们小的时候
I-I remember, when we were little,
你会带我们去看汽车电影
you would take us to the drive-in movies.
那确实非常有趣 -当然
That was fun. -Yeah, yeah.
你让我们躺在后排
You used to make us lay down in the backseat
这样你就不用给我们付钱了
so you didn't have to pay for us.
不过 那还是让人兴奋的
But-but, hey, that-that made it exciting.
当然了 不然我为什么要这么做
Yep, that's why I did it.
还记得 你常在周六早上
And remember you used to get us up
喊我们起来
at the crack of dawn
on Saturdays
在每户的窗门上贴维修站的优♥惠♥券
and put Pit Stop coupons on everybody's windshields?
当然记得了
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
所以这就是你们的青年
So those were your teenage years.
这时候 你形成了职业道德
That's when you start to form a work ethic, you know?
我在上二年级
I was in the second grade.
马蒂在上四年级
Marty was four.
哦
Oh.
好吧 那确实有点太小了
Okay, yeah, well, that was a little young.
但 实际上
Okay, yeah, but-but it did,
确实建立了我们的个性
you know, it did build some character.
就像你一直说的
I mean, you always said,
踢球不关灯
"Kickball don't keep the lights on."
听起来确实像我说的
Yeah, that sound like me.
哎呀
Aw.
看看我快乐的小女孩
Look at my happy girl.
打了个好嗝
Ooh. That was a good burp.
现在好了
Okay, all right now.
让奶奶抱抱
Okay. Come on to Grandma.
终于
There we go.
诶呀
Oh.
拜托
Come on.
你为什么讨厌我
Why do you hate me?
我可喜欢你了
I love you.
我不知道这是什么意思
I don't know what it is, Mrs. B.
也许你正在给她"选择我"的能量
Maybe you're giving
"pick me" energy.
我现在在给她什么能量
What kind of energy am I giving, now?