单亲贵族（2020）

以为你知道爸爸的船已经全副武装了
'cause you know Daddy's got his boat heavily armed.
用第三人称说就是真是个蠢货
And speaks in the third person, and is a twat.
妈妈记错时间了
Mummy got the time wrong.
可能是妈妈喝酒了 今天是什么日子
Well, Mummy drinks. Time of what?
- 你忘记了吗 - 不是的 奥丽芙 爸爸在开玩笑
- Have you forgotten? - No, Olive, Daddy's only kidding.
他知道今天是你生日
He knows it's your birthday.
- 骗到你了吧 - 看到没
- Gotcha! - See?
我当然知道今天是你生日
Course I knew it was your birthday.
你都长这么大了 我觉得时候...
Hey, you are getting so big that I think it's time...
每年都这样 她提醒过我吗
Every fucking year. Does she remind me?
不 她从不提醒
No, she doesn't.
专门给你准备的...
...for your very own...
生日炸♥药♥
-...birthday dynamite!
- 不 - 太棒了
- No! - Awesome!
说实话 我对炸♥药♥没那么期待
I can honestly say I was only half expecting explosives.
老爸 我们能用它来炸鳟鱼吗
Daddy, can we use it now to blow up some trout?
当然 我们这周末就去钓鱼
Aw. We'll go fishing this weekend, baby.
有一窝老鼠死在
I think a family of mice
厕所下面了 可以用来当鱼饵
died under the toilet. We can use them as bait.
太棒了 我们唱完生日歌♥就走
Great. So let's just sing the song and then we can go.
不用了爸妈 今年我不想这么隆重
Um, no. Please, Mum and Dad, I'm not making a fuss this year.
奥丽芙 这是生日传统
But, Olive, it's tradition. It's your birthday.
你永远是我们的宝贝
You'll always be our baby.
- 宝贝能拥有自己的炸♥药♥吗 - 当然了
- Would a baby have her own dynamite? - Uh, yeah!
我是世上最酷的老爸 不用谢
Coolest dad ever. You're welcome!
好吧 我们很急 现在就要走
All right. Well, we're really in a hurry, so let's go.
生日快乐 我的乖女儿
Aw, happy birthday, my sweet little angel girl.
明天见好吗
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
- 爱你 - 我也爱你♥爸♥爸 再见
- I love you. - Love you, Dad. Bye!
谢谢
Thank you.
你现在几岁了
Right. How old are you now?
- 三十三 - 九岁
- Thirty-three. - I'm nine.
我已不再年少
And I'm not getting any younger,
所以请您让她给我生个娃吧
so could you please make her have my baby?
我们一般不建议孩子们参与这类预约
We do usually advise that children aren't present at these appointments.
是我想要来的
It was my idea to come.
你怎么能当着我女儿的面这么说
How dare you speak about my daughter like she isn't here?
这是她的生日礼物
This is her birthday present.
对不起 奥丽芙
My apologies, Olive.
谢谢
Thanks.
最主要的生日礼物就是来取一个男人的血样
Coming to get the blood of a man is my main present.
- 血样 - 是啊
- Blood? - Yeah.
我懂了
I see.
您为什么想用这种方式要孩子
What's your reason for wanting a child in this way?
对于我来说 我的家人都死了
Well, my entire family are dead.
所以奥丽芙出生时 我只有一个人
To me. So when Olive was born, I was all alone,
但现在我们两个人相互支持
but now we have each other for support
我们都准备要一个孩子
and we both agree that we're ready for this next step.
而且我爸是个流行明星
And my dad is a pop star,
如果你有名人的血 我们也可以
so we'll take famous blood if you've got it.
她爸曾是一个男子组合的成员
Her dad was in a boy band.
最不想一起生孩子的人
Last one to get up off the stool.
好的 那么...
Okay. So...
你的检测结果显示
your test results show that
如果您确实是想要一个孩子
if you're serious about growing your family,
奥丽芙着急是没错的
Olive is wise to be in a hurry.
谢谢您
Thank you.
当女人差不多35岁时
Egg production slows down
排卵速度会大大下降
dramatically for women approaching their mid-30s.
您的受孕的最好时机就是现在
Your best chance of conceiving is to do it now.
医生 我才33岁
Doctor, I'm only 33
小妹妹看着约莫16岁 相信我 时间多着呢
and "It" Looks about 16, so trust me, I have plenty of time.
你信我 时间不多了
Trust me, you don't.
我们有十八♥九♥岁和二十出头的捐献者
We have donors in their late teens and early 20s.
- 恶心 - 他们对于...
- Ew. - They're match fit...
老年妊娠是没问题的
for a geriatric pregnancy.
你刚刚叫我什么
What did you just call me?
我们走 奥丽芙
Olive, we're leaving.
好极了 现在我们到哪去取血呢
Great. Where are we going to get the blood from now?
她是个很棒的孩子
She's a remarkable child.
当然 因为是我生的
I know! I did that!
我用她爹的劣种 造出了此等优品
I took her father's garbage cum and I turned it into a princess.
你应该求我来这 你要求我
You should be begging me for my business. Begging me!
天啊...
Oh, God!
你们才多大就有"种"来这里
How do any of you even have balls yet?
她很漂亮
She's pretty.
我觉得我应该把其中一边胸往下移点
I think I should have taken one of the boobs down slightly.
不 我觉得你是对的
Nah, I think you're bang on with those.
也许是她丁丁的角度有问题
Maybe it's the angle of her dick.
- 不 我很享受这个 - 我不能呆太晚了
- Oh, no, I enjoy that. - Listen, I can't stay late.
今晚我和汤姆有个约会
I've got a date night with Tom.
我要帮他哄孩子上♥床♥睡觉
I'm helping him put the kids to bed.
哄孩子需要两个人做吗
Reading stories is a two-man job?
我这有四个小孩呢
Well, with my four, it is.
吃晚饭前我能离开一会吗 妈
May I be excused until dinner, Mum?
这不用问 孩子 当然可以
You don't have to ask, gal, but yes, you may.
我知道 我在电视上学的 有点仪式感更好
I know. But I saw it on TV and I prefer the formality.
有她真是你的福气
You are so lucky to have her.
那天我在艾迪的房♥间发现了满满一桶尿
I found a full bucket of piss in Eddie's room the other day.
他好几周都尿在桶里
He'd been pissing up there for weeks,
- 然后放在橱柜里 - 我的天...
- keeping it in a cupboard. - Men!
你在那本书里有找到同性恋捐献者吗
Ugh. Does it say in your jizz bible if any of the donors are gay?
- 我想要个同性恋儿子 - 上面应该有
- I'd love a nice gay son. - It should.
不过没关系了 我不打算回去那了
But it doesn't matter, I can't go back there.
那些人都太年轻了 你看
They're too young. Look.
这就像在看一本高中年鉴
It's like a high school yearbook.
这个卡梅隆感觉不错
Well, Cameron sounds good.
"脸上永远挂着动人的微笑"
"Always got a friendly smile."
他笑是因为他是一个19岁的小屁孩
He's happy because he's a 19-year-old
刚退学 靠打飞机赚钱
who just quit his paper route to jerk off for cash.
你确定不和埃文生孩子吗
You sure you can't just do this with Evan?
是的 这孩子她爹就是前车之鉴
Yes. I've reached my maximum estranged baby's fathers.
谢普确实是挺糟心的
Look. Shep's challenging, all right,
但是 埃文很帅 还有工作
but, come on, Evan's hot. Evan's got a job.
没错 我们分手的时候
Exactly. He could pay for
他可以请个好律师然后毁了我
better lawyers and destroy me when we split.
为什么你总是要想到最坏的情况呢
Why does your mind automatically go to the worst-case scenario?
要是你和埃文就这样成了呢
What if you and Evan just worked out?
你这话太疯狂了
Now you sound insane.
我俩一定会出现问题 一旦发现
There will be a problem with Evan. When I find out what it is,
没孩子反倒省得纠缠了
I won't be tethered to him with a baby.
那就干脆别要孩子 你头一个娃够好了
Don't have two then. You nailed it the first time.
如果下一个更好呢
What if I could nail it again?
要是这能让你不再养这种袖珍狗就好了
You know what? If it'll stop you getting another mouse dog...
你瞅瞅 菊花还没眼睛大
Look at 'em! They just shiver and piss from their eyes.
嗨 对于今天我很抱歉
Oh, hey! Sorry about today.
没关系 我想给你看点东西
Hey, it's okay. I just wanted to show you something.
是家叫"泰坦尼克号♥"的泰国餐厅
It's a Thai restaurant called Thai Tanic.
这是最好笑的一个笑话了
Oh, that's the best one so far.
我很确定 他们能把
Uh, pretty sure it blows
你从水里拿出来的任何东西都折断
everything you've ever had out of the water.
比"鳕鱼爸爸"还有"阿布拉肯芭芭拉"都好
It beats The Codfather and it beats Abrakebabra, baby.
这两家都是知名的美食餐厅
我肯定能找到比你的更好的
Mmm, you're kicking my ass.
你肯定找不到比"泰坦尼克号♥"更好的
Oh, you will never beat Thai Tanic.
总有一天我会找到的
Oh, I will. One day, I will.
- 我要睡了 爱你 - 我爱...
- I'm going to bed. Love you. - I love...
米莉的妈妈告诉她 你极不成熟
Millie's mummy told her you're terribly immature.
她妈妈就是个垃圾
Ha! Millie's mummy is a mess.
她还说这就是爸爸离开你的原因
And she also said that's why Daddy left you.
是真的吗