幸福大家庭（2015）

No!
这是吻痕!
It's a hickey!
你和她亲热了
You made out with her?
就一下下 和你们俩道别时候做的一样嘛
Just a little, like you do when you say good-bye.
什么
What?
这可不在我的计划里
That was not part of my plan.
你现在知道不把事情写下来有什么恶果了吧
You see what happens when you don't write things down?
那也就是说
So that's it?
她只是送你到你的车那里
She just walked you to your car,
你没有和她多亲热一下下 也没有说
you didn't make out a little more and you didn't say,
"你闻起来好香 你闻起来真的真的好香"
"You smell good, you smell really, really good."
如果她很香我就是会情不自禁嘛
I can't help it if she smells good!
好吧 那你在那之后 有没有至少
Okay, but then after that, did you at least, like,
把她的东西还给她 然后挺胸昂头地走开
give her her stuff back and walk away with your head held high?
我想说 我不知道我有没有说...
I mean, I don't know if I would say that...
我就知道我本来应该一有机会就烧掉艾瑞卡的东西的
I knew I should've burned Erica's stuff when I had the chance.
当这种事情发生的时候 利兹一点骨气都没有
Lizzy has no backbone
when it comes to her.
干嘛这么说 我当然有
Come on, yes, I do.
- 你什么时候再见她 - 今晚
- When are you gonna see her again? - Tonight.
她会过来看看 我会给她做晚饭
She's coming over, I'm making her dinner.
喔 这真是能向她表现你的骨气啊!
Oh, that's gonna show her!
哦 不 我觉得我给她指了一条错误的路
Oh, no, I think I may have led her down the wrong path.
从我让凯西一个人在海里游泳之后
I haven't misjudged a situation this badly
我就再也没有像这样严重地误判过形势
since I let Kathy swim in the ocean by herself.
你知道么?
And you know what?
我不需要你的同意或者允许 懂么?
I don't need your approval or your permission, okay?
艾瑞卡已经变了
Erica's changed.
她可爱又会关心人
She was sweet and caring
还非常支持我有个孩子
and so supportive about the baby.
而且她还给了我新的沙冰配方
And she gave me a new smoothie recipe.
你也许不需要我的也同意
You might not need my approval,
但是这是我家 我不想要她在这儿
but this is my house and I don't want her in here.
这是我们的家 还轮不到你来决定我的生活里有谁
This is our house and you don't get to decide who's in my life!
你知道不可理喻的定义么?
Do you know what the definition of insanity is?
我忘了
I forget,
不过我很确定就是你现在这样
but I'm pretty sure it's what you're doing right now.
听着 我很乐意避开橱柜里的东西
Look, I was happy to avoid the closet.
是你们这些人
You guys are the ones that wanted me
让我处理掉艾瑞卡的东西
to deal with Erica's stuff.
你又不是不知道什么叫逃避
And it's not like you don't know anything about avoidance.
你是怎么处理那些牵线木偶的?
How you doing with those marionettes?
不要用谈论我的逃避问题
Do not avoid this conversation about avoidance
来逃避关于你的逃避问题的话题
by talking about my avoidance!
这根本不一样
This is completely different,
而且我会处理掉那些木偶的!
and I'm dealing with the puppets!
用悄悄溜出你的卧室
By sneaking out of your bedroom and
然后用你的婴儿睡姿睡在我的地板上的方式
sleeping on my floor in a fetal position?
"我很好 我很好" 你一点都不好!
"I'm okay, I'm okay." You are not okay!
那至少我没有表演得像木偶一样
Well, at least I'm not getting played like a puppet,
还是很差的那种 因为我看到你的嘴唇在动
and not a good one, 'cause I see your lips movin'.
那是口♥技♥ 你个呆瓜
That's a ventriloquist, you dummy!
我不是呆瓜 你才是那个犯了大错的呆瓜
I'm not the dummy, you're the one making the huge mistake.
不过那是你的生活 所以如果她再伤你的心
But it's your life, and so when she breaks your heart again,
别再哭着奔向我
do not come crying to me.
好啊 我不哭着奔向你 你也别哭着奔向我!
Well, don't come crying to me when I don't come crying to you!
真是好时候
Great.
现在 蕾丝儿界的大魔鬼
Right about now, the Lucifer of lesbians
正坐在我家客厅
is sitting in my living room,
慢慢潜入回利兹那傻头傻脑 傻里傻气的生活
worming her way back into Lizzy's stupid, stupid life.
伙计 你已经把你能做的都做了
Look, man, you did what you could.
让我们往好的一面想
Let's look at the positives.
- 你娶了一个超美的女人 - 嗯
- You married a beautiful lady. - Mm-hmm.
- 你还让另一个人怀了孕 - 对啊
- You got another one pregnant. - Yeah.
而且你还是这个保龄球馆第二帅的人
And you're the second-handsomest man at this bowling alley.
马库斯 呃 我想问你点事情
Marcus, uh, let me ask you something.
你有没有哪种无厘头的恐惧?
Do you have any irrational fears?
不算有吧
Not really.
只怕小丑 鸟类 尼姑 雨声 还有小精灵
Just clowns, birds, nuns, rain, elves.
没什么不好意思的啊 为什么这么问 发生什么了?
Nothin' to be ashamed
of. Why, what's going on?
普鲁登斯有几个牵线木偶啦
Prudence has these marionettes, uh...
它们太吓人啦
and they're freaky.
就像它们在背后面正孕育着什么鬼主意
It's like they got something going on behind the eyes.
你知道么?
You know what?
这实在太荒谬 我还是直接告诉她好了
This is ridiculous, I'm just gonna tell her.
- 说你害怕木偶? - 对呀
- That you're scared of puppets? - Yeah.
是啊 当然行 只要你想再也不和她滚床单了
Yeah, sure, if you never want to have sex again.
但我想和她再滚床单啊
I do want to have sex again.
那你就不能害怕木偶
Then you are not scared of puppets.
你得爷们儿点儿
You need to man up.
- 不要去正视那些木偶的眼睛就行了 - 是吗?
- Just never look those puppets in the eye. - Yeah?
然后让那个女魔头滚出你的房♥子!
And tell that devil woman she's not allowed in your house!
- 说的对! - 然后再给你的员工
- Yeah! - And then give your employee
放半天假 奖赏他给你提了这么宝贵的建议!
the rest of the day off for giving you such good advice!
好!
Yeah!
我看还是不了
I don't think so.
啊 这还真是不错啊
Well, this turned out great.
和我的姐姐以及她的丈夫
A romantic dinner with my sister
共进浪漫的烛光晚餐
and her husband.
很抱歉艾瑞卡放了你鸽子
I'm sorry Erica stood you up.
- 我不能不说我早料到... - 那就别说了
- Can't say I didn't see this... - Then don't.
谢谢你们过来 尽情地吃吧
Thanks for coming over. Please eat everything.
沙拉很好吃... 我自己给核桃上的糖霜呢
The salad's delicious... I candied the walnuts myself.
艾瑞卡最讨厌了
Erica's the worst.
她说"花杯"而不是花瓶
She says "vahz" instead of vase.
妞儿你长点心吧
Get a life.
我也说"花杯"的啊
I say "vahz."
好吧 但我从不听你讲话
Yeah, but I don't listen to you.
总之 我最喜欢吃"西红柿"沙拉了
Anyway, I am loving this "tomahto" salad.
要不是因为普鲁登斯 一切都好好的
None of this would have happened if it wasn't for Prudence.
她来之前我和鲁克都相安无事
Luke and I were perfectly fine before she showed up.
我们从不吵架 从不发生矛盾
We never fought, we never had conflict.
所以你是在因为普鲁登斯让你的生活更有乐趣而讨厌她
So you hate Prudence because she's made your life more interesting.
不 是因为她入侵了我的生活还破坏了之前有的宁静
No, because she's invaded my life and wreaked havoc.
"去处理那个橱柜吧
"Deal with the closet,
见见你的前女友 做个了结"
see your ex-girlfriend, get closure."
要我说 你看看这地方!
I mean, look at this place!
她不能对我的生活指指点点的
Okay, she should stop telling me how to live my life
应该去处理她自己生活里的破包裹了
and deal with her own baggage, okay?
话说 我的消防通道都上哪去了?!
I mean, hello, where is my fire lane?!
这盒子里到底是有多少只鸡(鸡⊙o⊙…)啊?!
How many cocks are in this box?!
这可真够难猜的
That's a messed up guessing game.
14只?
14?
利兹!
Lizzy!
我没事 我摔在泡沫包装上了
I'm fine, I landed on bubble wrap.
艾瑞卡人呢?
Where's Erica?
哥要和她郑重其事地谈谈人生
I have a whole speech ready, and it's in all caps.
艾瑞卡放了我鸽子
Erica stood me up.
你是对的... 我不该见她的
You were right... I shouldn't have seen her.
的确 我受到了伤害
And, of course, I got hurt.
这是个彻头彻尾的错误
It was a huge mistake.
恐怕这里面我也有点小错啦
I'm afraid this might be a tiny bit my fault.
有点小错?
A tiny bit?
我是听了你的计划
Because I followed your plan,
最后落得个心碎不已的结局
I got my heart broken
我还花了太多钱在一件
and I spent way too much money on an outfit
估计原本可以一周之内侃到低价买♥♥下来的衣服上
that I'm probably gonna bust out of in a week anyway.
关于艾瑞卡的事我真应该听你的
And I should've listened to you about Erica.
但不用操心 好吧?
But don't worry, okay?
我才不会哭着奔向你的
I won't come crying to you.
那我奔向你呢?