幸福大家庭（2015）

Hey, sorry we're late,
利兹 我知道我失踪了一段时间..你做的麦片闻起来好香
Lizzy, I know I've been M.I.A., smells like
但是我们真的需要谈谈
your couscous came out great, but we need to talk,
我和普鲁登斯共度了梦幻般的一夜
'cause Prudence and I had a legendary night.
我们确实得谈谈 但是咱俩得单独说
We do need to talk, and it needs to be in private.
普鲁登斯 你手上戴的是戒指吗?
Prudence, is that a ring on your finger?
你们不是去订婚了吧
You did not get engaged.
我们没订婚
We did not get engaged.
- 我们结婚了! - 你们结婚了?!
- We got married! - You got married?!
- 我们结婚了! - 在拉斯维加斯!
- We got married! - In Vegas!
世界之大无奇不有啊
Great things can happen when you get out of the car.
恭喜 兄弟 干杯吧
Congrats, man, let's have a toast.
利兹 你需要喝点酒
Lizzy, you need wine.
不 不用
No, I don't.
鲁克 你疯了吗?
Luke, are you insane?
说真的 你是不是疯了?
Seriously, have you lost your mind?
你不知道 你对她一无所知
You don't know the first thing about her.
她绝对是个大骗子
She's definitely a liar.
美女才不会喜欢看科幻小说
Hot chicks don't like sci-fi.
嘿 我知道这件事很突然
Look, I know it's kind of sudden,
但是我真的爱普鲁登斯 当我得知
but I love Prudence, and when she told me
她要被驱逐出境时 我知道我必须抓紧她
she was being deported, I knew I had to lock it down.
利兹 喝点酒吧
Lizzy, have some wine.
姐说了不喝
I'm not having wine.
看 你又开始变得紧张不安了
See, there's that uptight thing again.
姐才没有紧张不安
I'm not uptight.
姐怀孕了!
I'm pregnant!
那还是我把酒喝了吧
Then I'm having her wine.
你怀孕了?
You're pregnant?
我怀孕了
I'm pregnant.
恭喜你 利兹!
Congrats, Lizzy!
我就崇拜你这样单身女子
I so admire women who can't find partners
拥有自己的宝宝
having babies all on their own!
她又不是圣母玛利亚
It's not immaculate conception.
她又不是要生出下一个耶稣来
She's not having the next Jesus.
但是 听起来难道不酷吗?
How cool would that be, though?
耶稣啊 那这个孩子就是耶稣的表弟咯
I mean, Jesus? Now that's a nephew.
普鲁登斯 鲁克是孩子父亲
Prudence, Luke is the father.
不 利兹
No, Lizzy.
绝地武士是他的父亲
Darth Vader's the father.
她说的是我
She's talking about me,
但还是很开心你知道这个人物
but I love that you know that.
这是你的宝宝?
It's your baby?
嗯 我们...我们之前有过约定
Yeah, we... we had a plan.
如果30岁之前我们没有孩子
If we didn't have kids by 30,
我们就会一起孕育一个孩子
we were gonna have 'em together.
上帝啊
Oh, my God.
我要当爸爸了
I'm gonna be a dad.
啊!
Aah!
我还是一个丈夫
And I'm a husband.
啊!
Aah!
看看我真是人生赢家啊
Look at me making my life complete.
恭喜你了 老兄
Mazel tov, man.
亲爱的
Honey.
在这之前你并没有打算
You didn't maybe wanna mention
告诉我有关这个宝宝的约定对吗?
this baby plan to me before right this minute?
我是你的妻子啊
I'm your wife.
我打算说的啊 但是怀孕这事
I was gonna tell you, but the subject
也才刚刚发生啊
hadn't come up yet.
嘿 你俩认识不到一个星期
Hey, you've know her less than a week.
周二都还没到呢
A Tuesday hasn't even come up yet.
她就是想要一张绿卡 鲁克
She wants a green card, Luke.
你之前看过电影吗?
Have you seen any movie ever?
杰拉尔·德帕迪约 基♥督♥山伯爵主演 曾更改国籍
你以为我跟这演基♥督♥山伯爵耍阴谋呢?
You think I'm Gerard Depardieu-ing him?
我认为你已经这么做了
I think you already did.
鲁克 我们要有孩子了
Luke, we're having a baby.
你做出过承诺了
You made a commitment.
我也是两分钟前
I didn't know you were pregnant
才知道你怀孕了啊
until two seconds ago.
如果你早知道她怀孕了呢?
And if you'd known she was pregnant?
我们还会结婚吗?
What then?
我...
I...
我不知道
I don't know.
事情不妙啊
That's not great.
是啊 反正你都当了把搅屎棍了
Yeah, you make something up, at least.
我们会处理好的 我们会是一个幸福大家庭
We'll figure it out. We'll be one big happy.
不 我们不会
No, we won't.
鲁克 我们要有一个家了
We're having a family, Luke.
那我们就必须要保护它 我们不能随随便便就让
And we have to protect it, we can't just let
什么陌生人进门
any stranger in the door,
即使是一个对你打开身体大门的性感陌生人
even a sexy stranger who let you in her door.
听着 莉兹 你并不了解我
Look, Lizzy, you don't really know me.
我有很多你不知道的事情
And I am many things.
我是一个天然水域游泳员
An open water swimmer,
体面的外科医生
decent surgeon,
还是一个兼♥职♥的电子舞曲DJ
and a part-time techno DJ.
我不是骗子 我也不是想要绿卡的贱♥人♥
I am no liar, and I am no green card slut.
不过你是对的
But you're right,
一个孩子能胜过一切
a baby does trump everything.
包括我 所以我还是
Including me, so I'm just
给你们两个一点时间
gonna give you both some time
把这件事理清楚
to sort things out.
普鲁登斯 别这样 等一下
Prudence, no, just wait...
瞧你干的好事 利兹
Nice, Lizzy! Very nice.
你能相信他这样么?
Can you believe him?
实话实话吧
Let's be honest.
你的宝贝计划从一开始
Your baby plan had some holes in it
就有一些漏洞
from the beginning.
她为了说这个等好久了
She's been waiting to say that.
已经在来的路上说了两次了
Said it twice on the car ride over.
嘿 你还好么?
Hey, are you okay?
你去哪了? 普鲁登斯呢?
Where were you? Where's Prudence?
你有什么可在乎的?
What do you care?
你喝多了么?
Are you drunk?
是啊
Yeah.
我们分手了
We broke up.
我们永远不能一起迎接星期二了
We're never gonna see a Tuesday.
她已经在去机场的路上了
She's on the way to the airport.
你们分手了?
You broke up?
可是你们结婚了啊
But you're married.
那仅仅是法律层面上的啊 而且我认为她屌♥炸天
Only legally and because I think she's awesome.
但是你怀孕了
But you're pregnant,
而且我先对你做了承诺
and I made a commitment to you first.
你是做过 可是...
You did, but...
我必须要学着去和别人共享你
I have to learn to share you.
这对我来说很难
Okay, and it's hard for me.
因为只有我们两个这种的日子已经过很久了
'Cause it's just been the two of us for so long.
我猜我有一点嫉妒
And I guess I got a little jealous.
- 什么? - 啊?
- What? - Huh?
听着 我不能希望你单身一辈子
Look, I can't expect you to stay single forever.
我希望我不要单身一辈子
I hope I don't stay single forever.
你应该过得开心
You deserve to be happy.
即使让你开心的那个人
Even if the person that makes you happy
能把我逼疯
makes me crazy.
即使让你开心的那个人
Even if the person that makes you happy
能把我逼疯
makes me crazy.
我告诉她我觉得很不舒服
I told her I felt really bad.
你知道她说什么吗?
You know what she said?
说你需要灌肠?
That you need a colonic?
不是 她说她觉得
No. She said she thought