幸福大家庭（2015）

嗨 我来拿我的产前处方药
Hi, I'm here to pick up my prescription prenatals.
现在我还是产前的产前
Right now, I'm pre-prenatal,
不过我希望很快就能生北鼻了
but I hope to be natal very soon.
好吧 我拿了一堆
All right, picked up a bunch
孕检的东西 还有这个
of pregnancy tests and these.
因为 帅瞎了吧!
Because, come on!
这个怎样?
How 'bout this one?
不行 这个写着"99%准确率"
No, that one says "99% accurate."
更像是98... 居然还把"准确率"拼错了
More like 98... and they spelled "Accurate" Wrong,
一点也不准确我才不买♥♥
so I'm out.
你跟你老公尝试怀孕多久了?
How long have you and your husband been trying?
噢 他才不是我老公
Oh, he's not my husband.
姐是蕾丝儿
Lesbian.
重大时刻
Big time.
他是我好基友
He's my best friend.
我们一起努力
We're doing it together.
我是说 我可没跟他"努那种力"
I mean, I'm not "Doing it" With him,
因为那样我就不会是一个纯的拉拉了
'cause then I wouldn't be a very good lesbian.
我是用塑料杯弄的
I'm doing it with a plastic cup.
而且不是能放到洗碗机里洗的那种
And what we do is not dishwasher safe.
我造 我们可能不是大家所谓的
And I know we may not be everyone's idea
传统家庭
of a traditional family.
一个拉拉跟战斗机飞行员
What's untraditional about a lesbian
生北鼻怎么就不传统了?
and a fighter pilot having a baby?
他才不是战斗机飞行员
He is not a fighter pilot.
但我的重点是 我们也是
But my point is, we're still good people
很正直的好人啊
with solid values.
谢谢了
Thank you.
呃 你还没付钱呢
Um, you didn't pay for that.
快溜啊!
Run!
搞定 我尿好了!
Okay, I peed on it!
尿了整整五秒钟在验孕棒上
A full five seconds on the stick
有三秒钟还尿在了自己手上
and three on my hand, which reaffirmed
再次证明我不是那种女孩儿
I am not that type of girl.
那是因为你屁♥股♥悬空啊
That's because you hover.
你见过谁在家尿尿还屁屁悬空的啊?
Who hovers when they pee at home?
姐啊!因为姐跟你住一块儿啊
I do! Because I live with you.
大侠尿尿线路呈呼啦圈式啊
You pee like you're hula hooping.
好啦 所以如果试纸是笑脸的话
Okay, so if the test shows a smiley face,
- 就怀孕啦 - 嗯哼
- we're pregnant. - Mm-hmm.
鲁克 你准备好了对不对?
Luke, you're ready for this, right?
因为我真的真的觉得这次是有了
'Cause I really think it worked this time,
生个北鼻可是个很大的承诺
and having a baby is a huge commitment.
呃 我可以向你保证
Uh, I can make a commitment.
我跟那个杯具是很正经的关系
I'm in a pretty serious relationship with that cup.
伙计 你都没留女孩儿过过夜
Buddy, you never even let a girl stay the night.
我那珍贵的第二天早晨是留给特别的人的
I'm saving my mornings for someone special.
比如小北鼻? 因为 你知道的
Like a baby? 'Cause, you know,
每三小时就得喂孩子一次奶
they have to be fed every three hours,
如果你不按时的话 他们就会大惊小怪的
and if you don't keep 'em on a schedule, they get fussy...
所以你就是个北鼻咯?
So you're a baby?
我认真的
I'm serious.
我保证 我们一起来面对这些
I'm committed. We've gone over this.
有你 有我 还有这个小不点儿
It's going to be you, me, and the teeny-tiny.
我保证 还有 你看...
I promise. And, look...
我给你买♥♥了什么...
I got you something...
是不是傻透了?
How stupid is this?
超傻的! 噢哟!
So stupid! Ooh!
是不是很蠢萌?
How dumb are these?
哎唷蠢萌死啦
Ohh, so dumb.
我也不造这绿不拉叽的和这蓝乎乎的能不能配套啦
I mean, I don't know if this green works with this blue.
但他们好傻呆呆的啊!
But they're so dumb!
噢 我想有个蠢蠢的北鼻
Oh, I want a stupid baby.
我是说 不是那种蠢的蠢
I mean, not stupid stupid.
这也是为啥我一直吃叶酸
That's why I'm taking folic acid.
那为啥我要跟你生这个北鼻呢
And why I'm having the baby with you.
因为你比你看起来聪明多了
'Cause you're smarter than you look.
我是说 你比我都早知道自己是弯的吧
I mean, you knew I was gay before I did.
你在毕业舞会上戴了个高帽子
You wore a top hat to prom.
跟姐的燕尾服太配了
It matched my tux.
当然了 在我给我的猫起名字叫艾伦时
And, sure, I should have known I was gay
本片编剧制片 著名女同主持人
我就该知道我不直了
when I named my cat Ellen.
不过你引起了我的注意
But you brought it to my attention.
你是个好人 我希望我们的北鼻
You're a good person, and I hope our baby
能遗传你
takes after you.
好吧 我倒是希望北鼻像你
Well, I hope our baby takes after you,
因为这样感觉真的不错
because I have a really good feeling about this.
我也是... 这次一定能中
Me, too... this one is the one.
这可不是笑脸
It's not a smiley face,
除非这是个德国佬在笑
unless it's a German person smiling.
没怀上
It's negative.
骚瑞啦
I'm sorry.
你要是想哭
Do you wanna cry
或者做点儿别的转移注意力
or bury yourself in a project?
我可以开车带你去零售连锁店哦
I can drive you to The Container Store.
不用了...
No...
不过我们可以把那面墙
But maybe we could paint that wall
漆个有趣的强调色出来
a fun accent color.
这才对嘛 这才是你
There she is. That's my girl.
该死!
Damn it!
嘿...
Hey...
不是不怀 时候没来
It'll happen when it's meant to.
不 我只是沾了一点儿你的尿
No, I just got a little of your pee on me.
骚瑞了 姐们
I'm sorry, Sissy.
我知道没怀上你肯定很难过
I know how it must have felt not to get pregnant.
就像我当年怀上了那么难过
That's how I felt when I got pregnant.
就你这样怎么会是做社工的?
How are you a social worker?
听着 孩子是上帝的祝福
Look, children are a blessing.
但他们会毁了你的生活
But they ruin your life.
我爱我闺女
And I love our daughter.
她就是我的小天使
She's my angel.
为了救她我都能举起一辆烧着的汽车
I'd lift a burning car to save her.
但是我很讨厌她
But I hate her.
她不是个好人
She's just not a cool person.
所以今晚好好放松一下吧 好吗?
So just try to have a good time tonight, okay?
躁起来
Live it up.
或许狂欢一下是对的
Maybe they're right about livin' it up.
我是说 我当然希望我能怀孕 但我没有
I mean, of course I wish I was pregnant, but I'm not.
那我们就来度过一个传奇之夜吧
Let's have one of our legendary nights.
还记得我们当年偷了你老爹的小卡车
Remember when we stole your dad's pickup
要开去拉斯维加斯 但最后只是在车里干坐着
and we drove to Vegas, but we just stayed in the car
因为我们太小啥都不能做吗?
'cause we were too young to do anything?
不过 我们还是透过窗户大饱眼福了哟
We saw stuff out the window, though.
那可不
Yeah, we did.
现在 给我拿杯白葡萄酒去
Now, go get me a glass of white wine,
然后让咱们疯狂起来吧
and then let's get crazy.
你好 给我朋友点一杯...夏敦埃酒
Hey, can I have a... chardonnay for my friend,
额 再来杯像我这样的爷们儿会喝的随便啥玩意吧
and, uh, something a guy would drink for me.
抱歉 我不是这儿的工作人员
Oh, sorry, I don't work here.
我只是等酒保等得烦了
I just got tired of waiting for the bartender.
所以我自己跑到后面去给自己调了杯酒
So I hopped back here to mix myself a drink.
我给自己省了30美元呢
So far, I've earned $30.
然后我发现他们把限酒年龄的牌子给放后边了
And then I found out there was a drinking age here.
我一直想尝试跳到吧台后面一次
I always wanted to jump behind a bar.
那就跳过来吧
Well, get back here then.
可以吗?
Yeah?
看来我把你给迷住了呢
Guess I swept you off your feet.
我想说我为了你重重摔了一跤
I was gonna say I fell pretty hard for you.
但其实我正在自问有没有摔成脑震荡
But instead, I'm asking myself if I have a concussion.
你没事吧?