救援高手（2013）

我叫Nathan Fielder
My name is Nathan Fielder,
毕业于加拿大最顶尖的商学院之一
and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools
并且成绩优异
with really good grades.
如今 我运用我的学识
Now I'm using my knowledge
来帮助挣扎求生的小企业主
to help struggling small business owners
在这个竞争激烈的世界里获得成功
make it in this competitive world.
这
This...
就是救援高手
is "Nathan for You."
如果您是一位商人
If you're a traveling businessman
到加州波莫纳出差
visiting Pomona, California,
那你很可能会下榻于著名的山顶酒店
chances are you'll stay at the iconic Hilltop Hotel.
但最近 酒店经理Kenny Pang
But recently, hotel manager Kenny Pang
特别渴望吸引新的客户类型
has been eager to attract a new type of clientele:
来度假的家庭
families on vacation.
我们酒店希望能有更多的家庭入住
The hotel would like to, you know, get more families to come in
因为他们 他们入住的话
because when they-- when they come in,
会比其他客人住得久
they will stay a lot longer than the other guests.
但据我所知
But as far as I'm concerned,
如果你想要吸引家庭入住
if you want to attract families,
你必须迎合父母的需求
you have to cater to the needs of the parents.
所以我去拜访Kenny 希望能帮上忙
So I paid Kenny a visit with a way to help.
当情侣们单独住在酒店时
When couples stay alone in a hotel,
如果他们的关系进展得很好
if their relationship's going well,
他们通常会做♥爱♥ 对吧
they'll usually have sex, right?
是的
Yeah.
这是常识
That's common sense.
是的 但当家人一起旅行时
Yeah. But when families travel together,
父母们应该会觉得非常难受
I imagine it's incredibly frustrating for the parents
因为他们无法进行性♥交♥
because they're unable to engage in sexual intercourse
毕竟他们的孩子也在
because their kids are there.
你知道吗
You know what?
我还从来没有注意过这个问题
I never, ever really pay attention to this matter.
但是 问题确实存在
But...it's out there.
目前
Right now,
父母们之所以不想在度假期间做♥爱♥
the reason why parents don't want to have sex while on vacation
是因为他们的孩子会目睹他们的行为
is because their children will see and hear them,
从而造成无法愈合的
leading to permanent developmental damage
永久性发育损害
which can never be repaired.
但如果山顶酒店提供便携式隔音箱
But if the Hilltop Hotel could offer a portable soundproof box
把孩子与父母的肉体行为
that completely isolates the child
完全隔离开来的话
from his parents' carnal acts,
酒店很快会成为有性生活的父母
they'd quickly become the top hotel choice
带着孩子旅行的首选
for sexually active parents traveling with their children.
计划是让父母能在孩子在场时做♥爱♥
The plan: Attract families to the Hilltop
从而吸引家庭游客来山顶酒店住宿
by giving them a way to have sex with their kids in the room.
那还是在房♥间 里面
Then, it would still be inside...the room.
你是这个意思吗 哦 对不起
Is that what you're saying? Oh, sorry.
最棒的是孩子们不会觉得
You know, the best part is kids wouldn't see this
自己是被关进了"监狱"
as some prison they're forced into.
这个隔离箱里会很好玩
It would be a fun isolation box
所有年龄段的孩子都会喜欢的
that kids of all ages would enjoy.
呃
Um...
如果你这么说 理论上也许可以吧
If you put it that way, theoretically, maybe.
Kenny慢慢觉得我的想法有潜力
Kenny was beginning to see the potential of my idea
甚至还提出了一些自己的建议
and even had some suggestions of his own.
孩子们喜欢的那些东西
Every single thing that kids would love
都可以放到箱子里
could go into that box.
就比如 小手电筒啊
I mean, you know, little flashlights, you know,
还有小星星 到晚上就亮起来
little stars too, you know, go off at night.
但是在采用方案之前
But before committing to anything,
他想要先看看可用的雏形
he wanted to see a working prototype.
于是我开始建造第一个隔离室
So I got to work constructing our first isolation chamber
大小能够容纳
that would be large enough
一个16岁以下的孩子
to house a child up to 16 years of age.
但是由于最重要的是隔音效果
But since the most important part was the soundproofing,
所以我们给内墙垫了15厘米的岩棉絮
we layered the inside walls with 6 inches of rock wool batting
还增加了一个软木衬里的内室
and then added a cork-lined inner chamber
其中的加压密封还能消除振动
with a pressurized seal that would eliminate vibrations.
因为箱子必须要密封
Because the box had to be airtight,
所以我还安装了独♥立♥的呼吸系统
I also installed a self-contained breathing system
可以在充入氧气的同时排出二氧化碳
that would pump oxygen in while scrubbing out the CO2
这样孩子就不会窒息了
so the child wouldn't suffocate.
同时作为最后的预防措施
And as a final precaution,
我做了一套雨林的声音
I created a rainforest soundscape
配合定制的动物叫声在箱里播放
to play inside the box with custom animal calls
希望这可以掩盖
that would hopefully camouflage
不小心通过隔音的做♥爱♥的声音
any sex noises that happened to get through.
哦哦嘿嘿啊啊
Ooh-ooh-ee-ee-ah-ahh....
呃呃啊
Ruh-ruh-ah...
哦
Oooooooh...
做好了预防工作
With every precaution taken
箱子现在也装饰得特别有童趣
and the box now decorated to make it exciting for kids,
看来我们的箱子雏形已经做好了
it seemed like our prototype was complete.
但我知道哪怕一丁点做♥爱♥的声音
But I knew that if even one sex noise
不小心传进箱子里
happened to get through to the inside,
山顶酒店都要为伤害小孩纯洁的心灵负责任
the Hilltop could be liable for traumatizing an innocent child.
所以在一间套房♥里安置箱子后
So after setting up the box in one of their suites,
我雇佣了两个色情表演者
I hired two pornographic performers
来帮我测试现实生活中的情景
to help me test it out under real-life circumstances.
你们通常是以接吻开始
Do you normally start, like, kissing a little bit,
然后变得越来越
and then it gets more and more or--
要看是拍什么戏
It kind of depends on the scene.
就是吧 通常 有时候会接吻
I mean, usually, like, sometimes, there's kissing.
有时候就直接口♥交♥
Sometimes, it just goes straight to blowjob.
哦 好的 - 是的
Oh, okay. - Yeah.
当Tony和Holly在浴室里准备的时候
While Tony and Holly got ready in the bathroom,
我带来了我们的测试对象
I brought in our test subject...
嘿 - 嗨
Hey. - Hi.
你好呀 我是Nathan 很高兴见到你
How's it going? I'm Nathan. Nice to meet you.
一位八岁的儿童演员 Bradley
An eight-year-old child actor named Bradley.
什么玩意儿
What the heck?
这堡垒挺酷吧 - 是啊
Pretty cool fort, huh? - Yeah.
Bradley很喜欢这个箱子
Bradley loved the box.
我帮他进入箱子
And after helping him in
教他如果有紧急情况
and showing him how to alert me
要如何提醒我
in case of an emergency...
你看到了吗 那个灯
You see? That light?
我把他关进了密室里
I sealed him inside the chamber...
确保他自己一个人是不可能出来的
making sure there was no way he could get out on his own
免得玷污了他的纯洁
and ruin his innocence.
即使Bradley的父母
Even though Bradley's parents
完全知道将要发生什么
were fully aware of what was about to happen,
他们仍然坚持要在场观摩测试
they still insisted on being present during the test.
我只想跟你们说清楚
So I just want to be clear with you guys.
因为这是一个测试
Because this is a test,
我会让演员们非常投入地做♥爱♥
I'm gonna have the performers go at each other pretty hard.
好吧
Okay.
好吧 - 解释清楚后
Okay. - And with that,
我把Jurgen和Marie带到房♥间
I brought Jurgen and Marie into the room
测试就可以开始了
so we could begin.
你们准备好了吗 - 是的
Are you guys ready? - Yeah.
好的 你们准备好就行 - 哦 准备好了
Okay. Whenever you're ready. - Oh, we're ready.
我好爱你 Marie
I love you so much, Marie.
摸我舒服的地方 Jurgen
Touch me where I like it, Jurgen.
我让他们用你们的名字是为了更真实
I gave them your names to make it more realistic.
好吧
Okay.
学着点 亲爱的
Watch and learn, hon.
哦
Oh...
你喜欢我求你大屌♥的样子
Oh, you like it when I beg for that d*ck,
对吗 Jurgen
don't you, Jurgen?