一起单身（2018）

You know that clump of hair looked exactly like you.
不爽吧
Bitter, much?
抱歉 威斯康辛芝士哥拍屁♥股♥走人时我不在你身边
Sorry I wasn't there for you when Mr. Wisconsin Cheese Boy abandoned your ass,
不过我忙着海边云雨呢
but I was busy humping to the rhythm of the ocean.
来吧 杰夫 我给我们留了个位子
Cone on, Jeff. I saved us a table!
惊喜
Surprise!
-惊喜 -惊喜
- Surprise! - Surprise!
天哪 我完全没想到
My God! I totally didn't see this coming!
生日快乐 帅哥
Happy birthday, sexy.
谢谢
Thank you.
这他妈咋回事
What the hell is happening?
他们打招呼怎么像欧洲人似的
They're saying hello like Europeans.
这是生日宴的新风气吗
Is this a new birthday tradition?
行吧 杰夫 我们也来
All right, Jeff, let's do it.
不不 艾丝特
No, Esther.
看 我就说他们不知道我们在一起了
See, I told you. I told you they had no idea we were going out.
-啥 -男女朋友那种吗
- What? - Like boyfriend/girlfriend?
你们是我认识的最以自我为中心的人
You guys are the most self-centered peoplel have ever met.
这辈子就别人比得上
In my entire life.
但还是谢谢来我的生日派对
But thanks for coming to my birthday party.
以自我为中心 这话有良心没
Self-centered? Is that fair?
你女友办的派对连酒水吧台都没有
Your girlfriend threw you a party without an open bar.
你咋了 艾丝特打青了你眼眶吗
What happened to you? Did Esther give youa black eye?
是啊 间接说来就是她
In a roundabout way, yeah, she did.
我是艾丝特 大胆留言吧
It's Esther. Rock the vote.
你可能还在生我的气之类的
You're probably still mad at me, or whatever,
但我想告诉你...
but I wanted to call you and tell you that...
爱情女神敲打我窗
a love goddess tried to go upstreamin' my Mississippi,
我却... 不敢开
and... I couldn't do it.
我在性上放不开 开窗会别扭
I'm not a sexual rock star. I'm just not comfortable letting someone in.
发送消息请按"1"
To send this message no, press "one."
删除请按"2"
To erase, press "two." -
为什么不开
Why won't you let her in?
我听到了你最后几句
I heard the end of your conversation.
有个很棒的女生
There's this woman, and she's great,
但她想要的关系 我觉得有些别扭
but she wants our relationship to go somewhere I'm just not comfortable with.
恋爱关系难以把控 我建议坦然接受
Relationships are tricky. My advice? Open up.
我就没做到 现在只剩悔恨 愁思
I never did, and now all I have are my regrets, my thoughts,
和全美最贵的可售无人机陪伴
and the most expensive consumer-legal drone in America.
好 但我还怕生理上受伤
Right, but I'm also concerned it might physically hurt.
从没有哪个妹子用修剪整齐的指甲摸过我菊花
I've never had a girl ruin her manicure in my blowhole before.
才我发现我们说的不是一件事
I now realize we're talking about two totally different things.
我知道怎么做了 谢谢你的建议
I know what I'm gonna do. Thanks for the advice, man.
带我去爱的魔境吧
Take me to the magic of the moment.
我一直在等你 我不希望我们以争吵结束
I was waiting for you. I just really didn't want this to end on a bad note.
还有 我修好了你马桶的扳手
Also, I fixed your toilet handle.
现在你冲水就不用拉纱线了
So now you don't have to pull on a piece of yarn to make it flush.
天哪 你太好了
God, that's so hot.
-谢谢 -我一直在考虑
- Thanks. - I've been thinking,
现在我发现我想和你一起走
and I realized that I want to come with you.
别这样 艾丝特 你要为我跨越整个国家吗
Come on, Esther, you're gonna go across the country for me?
我想念湖泊 想念树荫
I miss lakes, and I miss shade.
也想念把天气不好
And I miss using bad weather as an excuse to stay inside
当作宅在家里半年的借口
for six months out of the year.
我也是
Yeah? Me, too.
还有 到时候开车就能去看我家狗狗
Plus, we'll be driving distance from my parents' dogs,
那对我意义重大
and that is huge for me.
我知道 你说过好多次
Yeah, I know. You've mentioned that a lot.
-怎么样 -我很喜欢
- So? - I really liked it,
但感觉该是特殊日子的情趣
but I think it's a special occasion kinda thing.
每天都是特别的日子
Every day is a special occasion.
我在考虑 我愿意去澳大利亚
I was thinking, I'd go to Australia.
我和梅尔·吉布森[演员 代表作"勇敢的心" 在澳大利亚定居]的孩子是高中同学
I went to high school with Mel Gibson's kids,
有个对我挺好的 要是你想去 我们就去吧
and one of them was nice to me, so if you wanna go, let's go!
-真的吗 -真的
- Yeah? - Yeah.
我有个好消息
So, I have some pretty good news.
你说
Okay.
那个网上兽医技术课 我报名成功了
I got into that online vet tech course.
你知道吗 最棒的是
And the best part is, did you know
你可以大大方方进店买♥♥手术器械
you can just walk into a store and buy scrubs?
不用提供学历 证书之类的东西
You don't even need, like, a degree or a license or anything.
-我也有重要的事告诉你 -天啊 什么事
- So, I have big news, too. - My God. What?
"你被耍了"制片人刚联♥系♥我
The producers from "You Got Gacked" just called me,
小小罗伯特·唐尼退出 我拿到角色了
and Robert Downey Junior Junior dropped out. I got the part!
很好啊 很好
That's great. Great.
但你不会接受 因为我们要搬家
But you're not gonna take it, 'cause we're gonna move.
-显然 -是啊
- Obviously. - Yeah.
我想什么呢
What am I thinking?
不可能的... 我不会接受那份工作
No way. I... I'm not taking that job.
那就好 刚刚吓死我了
Okay. That was scary for a second.
但我还要告诉你一件事
I do have to tell you something else, though.
好 什么事
Okay, what?
你被耍了
You just got gacked.
-什么 -你刚被耍了
- What? - You just got gacked.
-我不... -你被耍了 我耍了你
- I don't... - Y-you got gacked. I gacked you.
我... 我必须接受这份工作 你明白吧
I... I have to take the job. I mean, you see that?
你... 什么
Are... what?
我现在没有闲情跟你谈恋爱
I'm not gonna be in the right headspace to be dating.
对不起 但我们还可以做朋友
I'm sorry. I still want to be friends.
不 你伤了我的心 而且耍了我
No. You just broke my heart. And you gacked me.
是啊 我别无选择
Yeah. I should've just done one or the other.
滚
Get out!
无人机大叔 你好啊
Drone guy! What's up, dude?
你的建议太棒了 我现在又是一条好汉
You gave me great advice. I'm a new man!
我打着光脚 留起了小胡子
I'm barefoot, I got a soul patch cookin',
还给我和爱人买♥♥了两张去澳大利亚的机票
and I got two tickets to Australia for me and my lover.
对你的小胡子不发表意见
Agree to disagree on the soul patch,
但其他的要恭喜你
but other than that, glad to hear it.
谢谢
Cool.
好奇怪 她的拖车不见了
That's weird. Her trailer's gone.
蒂雅 她昨天半夜就离开了
Tia? She cut out in the middle of the night.
什么 她怎么不辞而别
What? She left without saying goodbye?
她就是你那天说的人吗
Is that who you were talking about the other day?
是啊
Yeah.
早知道我就该告诉你 别痴迷于她了
If I'd a-known, I woulda told you not to get too attached.
朋友
Dude!
给你玩一下两万美元的无人机 会不会好受一点
Would it make you feel better to fly a $20,000 drone?
会啊
Yeah, it would.
你玩无人机撞到自己 是我的错吗
So you flew a drone into your own face, and it's my fault?
你要是接电♥话♥了
Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't have been talking
我就不会跟沙滩上的怪叔叔说话
to weirdos on the beach if you would just pick up your phone.
照你这么说
Well, then, you know what?
我被一个社会底层的人伤透心
It's your fault that I got my heart broken
就是你的错
by the lowest of the low in our society.
他是个儿童恶搞秀的主持人
A kids' prank show host.
你现在是兽医了
Since you're a vet now, or whatever,
能帮我看看眼睛 确认我没事吗
can you look at my eye and make sure I'm okay?
兽医技术员
A vet technician.
而且... 我第一天就放弃了
And... I quit on my first day.
他们要你像对狗狗一样对蛇
They expect you to treat snakes the same way you treat puppies.
本宝宝才不干呢
And that's a "heck, no."
-谢谢你们过来 -我和艾丝特
- Thanks for coming. - I wanted to wish you a happy birthday
祝你生日快乐
from me and Esther.
我就知道你们会重归于好
I knew you guys would find your way back to each other.
星巴克礼物卡很棒啦
And as nice as these Starbucks gift cards are,
但你们已经给了我最好的礼物
don't worry about it. You already got me the best gift of all.
我 他说的是我
Me. He's talking about me.
-对 -你介绍我们认识
- Yeah. - You introduced us?
其实他不太喜欢咖啡
You know, he actually doesn't even really like coffee.
没关系的 我喜欢那儿的帕尼尼三明治
You know what, it's all right, 'cause I like the paninis.
不好意思 我不该提这个