一起单身（2018）

They have to be really careful,
奥斯卡乌龙事件: 2017年第89届奥斯卡颁奖礼上由于错拿信封
将最佳影片颁给"爱乐之城" 实际上最佳影片得主应为"月光男孩"
尤其是在奥斯卡乌龙事件之后
especially after the Oscars screw-up.
...奥斯卡乌龙
...Oscars screw-up?
天 班吉 我有办法了
My God, Benji. That's it.
我要去把颁奖卡片掉包 在狗狗奖重演"爱乐之城"事件
I am gonna switch the cards and "La La Land" the Dog Awards.
还是叫"月光男孩"事件呢
Or would you call that "Moonlight" -ing it?
随便吧 反正就是在狗狗奖重演"爱乐之城"事件 让奇奇获奖
I don't know. I'm gonna "La La Land" the Dog Awards and make Chi Chi win.
不行啊 艾丝特 你这是侵犯这个奖的神圣...
Esther, you can't. What about the sanctity of the awa...
开玩笑啦 这破地方
I'm kidding. Screw this place.
他说得对
He gets it.
嘉黛 我是艾丝特 这里制片人之一
Gertel. I'm Esther, one of the producers here.
很高兴见到你
Nice to meet you.
有些事我们到最后一刻才决定
So, we're, shuffling some stuff around, last min.
电视行业嘛 你懂的 大家都这样
TV, you know how it is, no big deal.
最后我们决定把"毛毛"获奖卡片撤掉
What we're gonna wanna do is lose the "Fuzz" winner card
换成"奇奇"的获奖卡片
and swap it out for a "Chi Chi" winner card.
你当我嘉黛昨天才出生吗
You think Gertel was born yesterday?
我做这行已经60年了
I've been doing this for 60 years.
196♥4♥ 年的第 36 届奥斯卡奖颁奖典礼
错拿信封颁奖嘉宾把最佳改编歌♥曲奖颁给了本来该拿原创音乐奖的约翰·艾迪生
德西·阿纳兹196♥4♥年时就想跟我玩这套
Desi Arnaz tried to pull this same crap with me in 196♥4♥.
很遗憾德西那样耍你
I'm sorry that Desi played you like that.
我不知道你想整哪出
I don't know what you're trying to pull,
但不会得逞的
but it's not going to fly.
里卡多 托尼
Ricardo, Tony.
把她轰出去
Get her outta here.
我自己出去
I'll see myself out.
还是说你俩愿意把我托起来
Unless you guys wanted to pick me up horizontally
像麦当娜"拜金女"的MV那样
like Madonna in the "Material Girl" video?
最好是把这里再固定一下
And you reinforce this, it'd be a good idea.
等科兹摩坐下 就只看得到扫帚 整个就能飞了
So then Cosmo sits here, and then that's just the broom, and it flies.
好极了
Great.
好棒 不好意思
Great. Excuse me.
那双毛绒拖鞋最好收拾一下
Those fuzzy slippers, we cannot have those around
不然让科兹摩看见 他会勃起的
when Cosmo shows up. He will become aroused.
我想和你们说点事
I wanted to talk to you guys about something.
你们好像还没准备我的热狗梗里的狗狗
I feel like the dogs in my hot dog sketch aren't reading as hot.
抱歉 我们把那个想法毙掉了
We cut that sketch, man. I'm sorry.
-毙掉了 -不太搞笑
- You cut it? - It's not a funny thing,
时间也比较紧张 其实老实说 还是挺搞笑的
it's a time issue. It is also a funny thing, if I'm being honest,
但现在我们准备全新准备毛利·爪特
but look, man, we're gonna extend the Hairy Pawter bit.
我们需要时间让观众一乐 那个提案更容易受到长♥期♥关注[有腿]
We need time to hold for laughs. That sketch has legs.
-真要说的话可有四条腿呢 -四条腿
- Four legs, you might say. - Four legs!
是啊 四条腿 真好
Yeah. Four legs. That's good.
-好 -好
- OK. - All right.
...欢迎回来
...And we're back
在加州美丽的范纽斯
in beautiful Van Nuys, California.
第21届全美狗狗奖颁奖仪式
It's the 21st annual American Dog Awards!
哥们 还记得这个吗
Buddy. Remember this?
-1号♥相机准备 -我当然记得
- Ready camera one. -Yeah. Of course I remember it.
是我被你偷走的活页夹
It's my binder that you stole.
别想编什么谎话
And don't try to feed me some lie
说你是在洗手间捡到的
about how you found it in the bathroom or something,
因为我从来不用这儿的洗手间 恶心死了
'cause I never use the bathrooms here. They're disgusting.
好吧 兄弟 冷静点
All right, dude. Settle down.
我现在相当冷静 但很快
I'm pretty settled right now, but any minute,
科兹摩就会兴奋起来
Cosmo's gonna be really excited.
你在说什么
What are you talkin' about?
我把一只毛绒拖鞋放在科兹摩毛利·爪特盒里了
I put a fuzzy slipper in Cosmo's Hairy Pawter box,
所以他马上就会在电视机前硬邦邦了哦
so he's probably gonna boner pretty hard on TV.
-骗我的吧 -你偷了我的活页夹 让我失去我的笑话
-No, you didn't. -You stole my binder. I was jokeless.
兄弟 我偷走你的活页夹 是因为这就是行业规则
Bro, I stole your binder, 'cause that's how it works.
老编剧抄袭年轻编剧的点子
Older writers steal from younger writers.
我在你身上看到了闪光点
I saw something in you.
本来想带你去人♥民♥选择奖的
I was gonna take you with me to the Guy's Choice Awards.
我不... 我根本没想到
I did... I didn't realize all that!
-怎么会 -一起踏上
- How? - Now let's take
去狗格沃兹的魔法之旅吧
a magical trip to Dogwarts!
场景布置真花了不少心思
We got a lot of production value goin' on here.
有什么来着 3件披风 1顶帽子
What do we got, we got the three capes and a hat.
独一无二的毛利·爪特
And the one and only Hairy Pawter!
铛铛 真是根大肉♥棒♥啊
Dang! That is a big ol' dog lipstick!
这下高兴了吧 我会被炒鱿鱼的
I hope you're happy. You're gonna get me fired.
我肯定不高兴啊
Of course I'm not happy!
各位 来听听 网上的评价
Guys, guys, listen. That was the network.
-汤姆 我很抱歉... -别 不是 听着
- Tom, I am so sorry... - No, no, no. Listen.
他们很喜欢
They're loving this.
他们说狗狗奖正需要重塑这种年轻的形象
They say it's exactly the youthful rebrand that the Dog Awards needs.
我也说不清 他们说很前卫 吉姆 你就是传奇
I don't know. They think it's edgy. Jim, you're a legend.
吉姆棒
Jimbo! Whoo-hoo!
好了好了
All right. All right. OK.
就这样 我们是喜剧二人组啦
Well, there you go! We're a comedy duo now.
不是 优秀编剧借段子 伟大编剧偷段子
No, we're not. Good writers borrow, great writers steal.
只有庸人才毁掉他人的创意
Only hacks try to ruin other writers' sketches.
庸人
Hack.
也许我们还能...
Maybe we could...
一起合作
still collab?
在推特上互动一下
Punch up each others' tweets?
大家好 我是乔纳斯·邓普顿
Hello. I'm Jonas Templeton,
美国犬科学会主席
President of the American Canine Society
我可能被列入黑名单 以后都写不了颁奖典礼了
So I think I might be blacklisted from writing on awards shows,
但至少我的创意很能打
but at least my sketch crushed.
谁愿意写这些东西
Who wants to write for these, anyway?
就是个腐烂堕落的粪坑
It's a corrupt cesspool of lies.
我听到蓓琪说她养了只猫 叛徒
I heard Becky say she has a cat. Traitor.
下面是今年的英雄狗狗奖提名
Here are the nominees for hero dog of the year.
黛西 警犬
Daisy, the police dog.
黄油 癫痫的博美犬
Butter, the epileptic Pomeranian.
奇奇 4岁的截肢金毛猎犬
Chi Chi, the quadruple amputee Golden Retriever.
还有毛毛·瓦尔德拉玛
And Fuzz Valderrama,
Ins上的网红
who seems pretty cool on Instagram.
获得金骨头奖的是...
And the Golden Bone goes to...
停 等一下
Stop! Stop!
我不能让这种事发生
I can't let this happen.
希望观众都了解 这是被♥操♥纵的颁奖典礼
I need the viewers at home to know that this is rigged!
没错 今晚真正的得主应该是奇奇
That's right. And the real winner tonight should be Chi Chi.
她戴着四只义肢和一颗博大的心
She has four prosthetic paws and one giant heart.
是啊 卡片写着"奇奇"
Yeah, the card says, "Chi Chi."
...我的天
...My God!
我意思是...
I mean....
好吧 抱歉 你继续 邓普顿先生
OK. Sorry. As you were, Mr. Templeton.
希望大家都知道
And, just so everyone at home knows,
如果你也养狗 请记住巧克力对狗有毒
if you're a dog owner, chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
还有你好妈妈 我知道你说过不会看 但万一呢
Also, hi, Mom. I know you said you wouldn't be watching, but in case you are.
可以肯定地说 我那么一闹 收视率都高了
Well, safe to say that the drama I created was good for ratings.
我很确定收视率是我让狗狗勃起的功劳
Pretty sure if the ratings are good, it's gonna be because of my dog boner.
不敢相信他们只给我们一张饮料券
I can't believe they only gave us one drink ticket.
我知道是你换了卡
I know you switched the cards.
你表现得很平淡 仿佛根本不在乎 但我知道你在乎
You act so cool, like you don't care, but I know you care,
所以你换了卡 谢谢你
and that you switched them! Thank you!
我不知道你在说什么
I don't know what you're talking about.
听起来不像是我会做的事
That does not sound like something I would do.
你们听说了吗
Did you guys hear about this?
有人给嘉黛下了药
Somebody drugged Gertel.
那听起来才像是我做的事
Now that sounds like something I would do.
借过
'Scuse me!
二位 你们完成了
Well, guys, you did a job.
上个人中途退出了 所以...
The last guy quit halfway through, so...
你们比他强
you did better than him.
听起来... 我们做得很好
That sounds... We did a good job!
嗯 就只是做完了