一起单身（2018）

-是啊 -我很擅长把握角色
- I am. - I'm just good with characters.
还参加过国际夏令营
I went to international summer camp,
所以口音自然就出来了
so dialects just flow out of me.
大家都在议论你呢
That's all they're talkin' about, is you.
离她远点
Get away from her!
-你在干什么 -救你啊
- What are you doing? - Saving you.
我们刚在重现命案过程
We're in the middle of a reenactment,
现在又得重新开始了
and now we have to start over.
詹姆斯 再来一次
James, back to one.
这谋杀屋太赞了
Wow. This is a good murder house!
扔鞋子有点过头了 不过这一点可以改进
Shoe thing was a little over the top, but we can workshop that.
这是我的毕生事业 我是艾丝特
This is my life's work. I'm Esther.
等等 所以你是个记者
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, you're a journalist?
是啊 不好意思骗了你们
Yeah, sorry I had to string you along,
不过我得进来验证我的猜想
but I needed to get in the house to test out my theories.
不过这书八成是出版不了了
But I'm never gonna publish this book anyway,
因为根本说不通
because it doesn't add up.
我连凶器都没找到
I can't even find the murder weapon.
木槌或者青铜雪纳瑞雕像
Well, the mallet or the bronze schnauzer statue,
我是这么觉得的
that's my theory.
不对 角度都错了
No, the angle's all wrong.
房♥子里没一个能吻合她的伤口
See, there's nothing in this house that matches her injuries.
而且坦白说 用计算器杀人
And frankly, killing somebody with a calculator
是你们表演里最逊的一部分
felt like the weakest part of your show.
也是推销计划里最逊的一部分
And it's the weakest part of your merchandising plan.
哎哟 我是个新人嘛
Guys, I'm a new business, OK?
打扰一下 我来拍几张照
Knock knock. I'm just here to take some pictures.
我叔叔是人身伤害索偿律师 他让我拍的
My uncle, he's a personal injury lawyer, and he told me to.
你们很快就会收到传票
You'll be served with papers soon.
杰夫里 我叔叔是个酒鬼
Jeffrey! My uncle is an alcoholic,
我两年都没见过他了
and I haven't seen him in two years.
你怎么敢说"叔叔"这个词来刺♥激♥我
How dare you say the word "uncle"?
很抱歉让你受伤 杰夫 不过我可没钱
Look, I'm sorry you're hurt, Jeff, but I don't have any money.
而且我给了你舞台信贷啊
And I gave you stage credit!
是啊 可要是我没参加在你们疯狂的表演
Yeah, but if I hadn't been in your little crazy show,
这老太的蜂蜜罐就不会掉在我头上
then a jar of old lady honey wouldn't have fallen and hit me on the head.
什么蜂蜜罐
W-what jar of honey?
有个蜂蜜罐 里面装着一颗心脏
There's this jar of honey with a human heart in it.
-什么 -开玩笑的
- What? - I'm just kidding.
我知道你喜欢诡异的东西
I know you're into weird stuff.
里面只有一个蜂巢
It's just got a honeycomb in it.
我不记得警方报告里提过什么蜂蜜罐
I don't remember reading about a jar of honey in the police reports.
他们可能没注意
They probably missed it.
就放在食品柜很高的架子上
It was on a really high shelf in the pantry.
食品柜很高的架子上 等等
High shelf in the pantry. Wait a minute!
好吧 艾丝特 你是埃尔玛
OK, Esther, you're Elma,
夜里正准备泡杯茶
fixing a late night cup of tea.
"只有洋甘菊能缓解我的渴求"
"I have an itch only chamomile can scratch."
你朝食品柜走去 上着放着一大罐蜂蜜
You head to the pantry, where you keep a large jar of honey.
说真的 蜂群就是因为这样才会灭亡
Seriously, this is why bee colonies are failing.
蜂蜜太多了
That's a lotta honey.
可你对甜食的渴望就是祸根
But your lust for the sweet things in life was your undoing.
当你笨手笨脚地找蜂蜜的时候 它落下来 砸到了你的头
As you fumble for the honey, it falls, hitting you on the head.
埃尔玛又惊又迷 把罐子放回架子上
Stunned and confused, Elma puts the jar back on the shelf.
所以警方没注意到 也没人发现
The police don't notice it. It's never seen again,
直到它又砸到了你的朋友
until it hits your friend on the head.!
埃尔玛还不知道 不过她已经快死了
Elma doesn't know it yet, but she's already dead.
然后就是雪纳瑞雕像
And then, the schnauzer.
不是
No.
到处都是血 埃尔玛到处徘徊
Bleeding everywhere, Elma wanders,
迷失方向 进了客厅
disoriented, into the living room.
她朝着电视走去 正在播"真探"第二季
She heads towards the TV to stream season two of "True Detective."
可遗憾的是 她死掉了
But mercifully, she dies.
所以你觉得凶手是深夜对甜食的渴求
So you're saying the killer was a late-night sweet craving?
我是说 这只是个意外
I'm saying, this was a random accident.
我的书就这么写 还可以写篇博客来介绍一下
There goes my book. I'll be lucky to get a blog post outta this.
等等 所以这不是谋杀啊
Whoa, whoa, hold up. There was no murder?
那我退出 真可惜
I'm out. That's a damn shame.
胖子阿巴克尔: 喜剧演员 后被人诽谤与一场谋杀案有关 虽然后来被宣判无罪 但还是因此被迫退出演艺圈 多年后悄然离世
本来死亡之旅打算用这一站代替胖子阿巴克尔家的
This was gonna bump Fatty Arbuckle from my tour.
他家那一站贼没意思 算了
Parking by his place is a bitch! Peace.
这不是谋杀案的凶宅 就是个普通的死了人的房♥子
This isn't a murder house. This is just a regular death house.
明天就能卖♥♥出去
I can sell that tomorrow!
迪恩会高兴死的
Dean is going to fist-bump me repeatedly.
那... 我能给你的博客起个题目吗
Well... can I name your blog post?
-当然了 你想取什么 -"谋杀 其实不是"
- Sure, what do you got? - "Murder, She Wasn't."
不了 不太好
No. It's not very good.
好吧
OK.
艾丝特 他说你是"业余谋杀热爱家"
Esther, you're credited as an "amateur murder enthusiast."
-什么 业余 -那可总结得真好
- What? Amateur? - I'd say that pretty much sums it up.
我可不是业余的 我赚了500块呢
I am certainly not an amateur. I was paid $500 for my work.
如果算上派对店对用过的造雾机不讲道理的退货政策
Well, I made $200 if you factor in the party store's fascist return policy
那就只有200块
for used fog machines.
朋友们 说真的 我有点头晕
Guys, I can't lie. I'm feelin' a little woozy.
班吉 能扶我去你房♥间躺一会儿吗
Benj, could you help me to your room, so I could lay down for a second?
当然了
Yeah, sure, bud.
这么撑着很好 因为我们差不多一样高
We make good crutches, 'cause we're more or less the same height.
-你喜欢吗 -是啊
- You like that? - Yeah, yeah.
我觉得我撑着更好
I mean, I'm a better crutch,
因为我肩膀更软 里面水份更多
'cause my shoulder's a little softer. I retain water there.
很精致的
They're very delicate.
-谢谢 -傲慢可是你的缺点
- Thank you. - Pride's a tricky thing for you.
你老是自吹自夸 别...
The things you brag about and don't...
我说过很吓人吧
I told you it was scary!
-不吓人 -干得好
- No, it wasn't. - Nice work.
感觉我应该去演恐怖片
I feel like I should pursue horror.
-对 -我对自己的表演很满意
- Yeah! - I felt really good about my performance.
这工作很好
It's a good niche.
我要回家了
I'm gonna go home.
你们把她吓尿了
That means she pissed herself.
这下开心了吗 我可没被吓到
Are you guys happy? I wasn't scared.
我没关系 不过你们知道她很怕
I can handle it, but you know she can't.
我真失望啊
Really disappointed.