一起单身（2018）

大家好 我今天直播是要向你们控诉
Everybody. I'm live-streaming today to inform you of an injustice
斯库特塔可店的一起不公事件
that is occurring at Scooter Taco.
因为要是我这样的好女人不作为 邪恶便会胜利
Because evil will triumph if good women like myself do nothing.
我就是来不作为的
I'm here to do nothing.
如你所见
So as you can see here,
我有一张买♥♥斯库特套餐
I have a coupon that is good for one Scooterito
送斯库特圆饼的优♥惠♥券
with the purchase of a Scooter Meal.
等下 我头发怎么这样
Wait, why is my hair doing that?
朋友 我以为我们是来吃饭的
Dude, I thought we were gonna eat.
你怎么拍起了三分钟异视异色纪录片
Why are you trying to make a three-minute Vice documentary?
现在他们告诉我 有优♥惠♥券
Now I am being told that, despite this coupon being present,
也没用 因为圆饼"卖♥♥完了"
it's invalid because they're "all out"!
能给您换成斯库特肉块或沙拉吗
Ma'am can I offer you Scooter nuggets or a Scooter salad?
快餐沙拉 你是想杀了我吗
A fast food salad? Are you trying to kill me?
我发现我们可能要吵起来了 先生
I realize we're in a contentious situation here, sir,
但吵完了 能不能多给我一包斯库特酱
but when it comes time for it, can I get an extra Scooter Sauce
要中辣不要特辣
and the medium, not the scorcho?
你后面还有人
There's people behind you.
能靠边停车吗
Can you pull up to the side?
不 我不可能让开
No! I won't pull to the side!
因为这车就是我的谈判武器
Because this car is my leverage.
我现在就熄火...
I will be powering off my vehicle...
...钥匙就拿在手上
...and holding the keys in my hand.
-开啊 -你不走的话
- Move it! - If you don't pull forward,
我们就得叫警♥察♥了
we're gonna have to call the authorities.
你还得叫辆救护车
Well, you'll have to call an ambulance, too,
因为我要把这钥匙吞下去
because I'm about to swallow this key.
班吉 吞下去
Benji, swallow the key.
我不要
I'm not swallowing the key!
即使我吞了 车也还能开
Even if I swallow it, the car can still start.
它是无线操控的
It's a wireless key system.
女士 您到底想要什么
Ma'am, what do you even want?
这就对了 20块礼品券
That's right, a $20 gift certificate
只需要小小地耍个脾气 录个直播
for one small, tiny temper tantrum that also got live-streamed.
他们给了我特辣酱 而不是中辣的
They gave me scorcho instead of medium.
待会儿菊花肯定疼死了
My sphincter's gonna be on fuego!
这可不能忍♥
This will not stand!
得了吧
Just come on, man.
以为你是社会卫士吗
This isn't a social progress situation.
班吉 这关乎不止我俩
Benji, this is bigger than the two of us.
艾丝特
Esther!
我昨天绝对被一个哥特妹勾搭了
I'm pretty sure I got hit on by a goth chick yesterday.
她递给我张传♥单♥
She handed me a flyer,
眼神和我一样空洞 却很性感
and she had dead eyes like me, but it was sort of hot.
我觉得我可能也该走哥特路线
It made me think maybe I should go goth.
-班吉 -我内心挺哥特的
- Benji. - I'm goth on the inside.
喜欢悲伤的音乐 痴迷死亡
I like sad music, I'm obsessed with death.
我只是融入不了他们
I just don't fit in with them
因为我用锻炼和严苛自律治愈我的抑郁
because I treat my depression with exercise, prison-style,
而他们选择化烟熏妆
and they treat it with black make-up.
所以我真心需要你和我一起去这个音乐会
Which is why I need you to please go to this concert with me.
-绝对不要 -你扮成星期三·亚当斯呗
- That's a hard no. - Why don't you dress like Wednesday Addams?
星期三·亚当斯: "亚当斯一家"中的角色 面色苍白 个性阴郁 作者为此角色取这个名字是来自一句儿歌♥歌♥词 "星期三的出生的孩子充满忧愁"
会很有意思的
It'll be fun.
拜托
Come on!
男的都想让我扮成星期三·亚当斯
Every guys wants me to dress as Wednesday Addams!
你们是怎么回事
What is with you people?
我只是想让你在哥特音乐会应景些
I just want you to fit in at the goth concert!
我才不想哥特
I don't want to be goth.
我们初二一次晨会
We had a pep assembly in eighth grade
讲了玛丽莲·曼森[全球最恐怖的歌♥手之一]的荼毒
about the dangers of Marilyn Manson,
我听得超认真 深信不疑
and I really listened hard and I believed!
你好呀 艾丝特
Hi, Esther!
妈妈
Mommy!
小宝贝
Hi, sweetie!
天哪 不敢相信
My God! This is amazing!
你怎么来了
What are you doing here?
妈妈就不能来看女儿 给她个惊喜吗
Can't a mother surprise her daughter with a visit?
你好
Hi!!
你一定是班杰明
You must be Benjamin.
见到你本人太好了
It's so nice to meet you in person.
我之前在脸书上看到你喜欢克罗格
I saw on Facebook the other day that you liked Kroger.
那超♥市♥贼棒
That's a solid supermarket.
有地方给我开行李吗
So is there a place for me to unpack,
还是随便把箱子放哪个角落
or do I just pick a corner and dump out my suitcase?
我浴缸除了周三早上都是空的
Well, my bathtub is open, except for on Wednesday mornings.
天哪 太棒了
My God, this is gonna be great.
你妈妈飞了这么远就想给你个惊喜
Your mom flew across the country just to surprise you.
太好了吧
That's so sweet.
对 好日子来了
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
她会为我做饭洗衣
She's just gonna feed me and do my laundry
给我买♥♥东西 看着
and buy me stuff. Watch.
妈咪 我好饿饿 还有脏衣服没洗
Mommy, I'm hungie, and, also, all my laundry is dirty.
我的小姑娘饿了吗
Is my little girl hungry?
听我一句 记着
Here's something to chew on.
学学自己做饭吧
Learn to cook!
停下 妈妈 那是我办公的地方
Stop! Mom, that's my home office!
我不管
I don't care!
我看了Ins上你在卷饼店发疯的视频
I saw that meltdown you had on Instagram at the taco restaurant!
我的空手道教练也看到了
My karate sensei saw you!
你的空手道教练居然关注了她
Wow, your karate sensei follows her on Instagram?
麦克道格教练非常忠心
Sensei MacDougal is very devoted.
妈 那视频就是告诉全世界 现在还有人主持正义
Mom, that video was showing the world that justice can be served,
还有152人点赞了呢
and it got 152 likes.
你还很骄傲吗
And you're proud of this?
你知道你让我想起谁了吗
Do you know who you remind me of?
吹嘘自己在家打母亲 偷车 当场骂观众婊
菲尔医生[美国心理节目]里那个问题少女
That girl on Dr. Phil that says,
"有种我们出去干架"
"Cash me ou'side. How 'bou that?"
好好好 第一 她叫坏芭比
Okay, firstly, her name is Bad Babie,
她超赞的 是销量巨高的唱片艺人
and she's awesome. She's a platinum-selling recording artist.
第二 我能给你留下这种印象真的很棒呀 妈妈
And, secondly, that was a really good impression, Mommy.
她是我见过的最自以为是的家伙
I thought she was the snottiest thing l have ever seen.
知道菲尔博士怎么说吗
And do you know what Dr. Phil said?
他说都是妈妈的错
He said it was the mom's fault.
现在这都是我的错
So all of this is my fault!
我惯坏你了 孩子
I have coddled you, girl!
不不 是爸爸的错 爸爸的错
No, no, it's Dad's fault. It's Dad's fault!
别 妈 那是我的税单
No, Mom! That's my tax stuff!
我不管
I don't care!
我永远报不上14年的税了
I'll never file for 2014.
瞌睡呢
Napping?
你睡12小时了
You slept 12 hours.
比猫还懒
You're worse than a cat.
猫至少还吃蜘蛛
At least cats eat spiders.
我以为我不在的时候 你能把地拖一拖
I thought you were going to wash the floors while I was out.
我以为 看在旧交情上
Well, I thought maybe, for old times' sake,
你会希望我睡一会
you'd want me to fall asleep
然后你帮我打扫干净
and then you just do all the cleaning.
我才不管呢
I don't even care.
我给你买♥♥了些漂亮裙子 让你衣柜有点样子
I bought you some nice dresses to extend your wardrobe.
我不想穿裙子
I don't want to wear dresses!
大家会看着觉得我很造作
Then people are gonna look at me and think I'm trying,
那就太惨了
and it'll be sad.
那我不管 你非穿不可
I don't care. I want you to wear it.
今晚准备出去吃晚饭
We're going out for dinner tonight.
我碰到佩奇·凯尼了 而且她的女儿史提菲·凯尼
I ran into Peggy Kinney, and her daughter, Stephie Kinney,
就住在这儿 还是个很成功的公♥关♥
lives here and is very successful in PR.
她还说愿意帮你
And she said that she would help you
来打理你的品牌
to manage your brand.
史提菲·凯尼