生活残骸（2015）

因为我得去上班
because I gotta get to work,
而你也会继续保持美丽动人
and you gotta go be foine as hell.
好吧 再见 我还有热瑜伽课
Okay, bye. I got Bikram yoga, so...
你想怎么说都行 宝贝
Hey, you can say whatever you want, baby,
但你的臀部不会说谎
but hips don't lie.
记得看推特 我说不定会给你发私信
Hey, check your Twitter, I might direct message you.
可能会发私信哦
Might DM.
是的 长官
Yes, sir!
是的 长官
Yes, sir!
生活残骸
你好吗 哥们 帮帮忙吧 拜托了
What's up, buddy? Help me out, dude. Come on.
诺姆 小心 早上好
Noam, watch out. Good morning.
艾米
Amy!
我的公主来了
There she is, my princess.
怎么了 今天教堂提早放了吗
What happened? Did church let out early?
艾米 你要去哪
Amy, where are you going?
这里不是计划生育协会
This isn't Planned Parenthood.
天哪 闭嘴
Oh, my God. Shut up!
昨晚的事你一定要清清楚楚地告诉我
You have to tell me everything about last night.
我看了你的社交账号♥ 那家伙超帅的
I went on your Instagram. That guy is like, so hot.
-他看起来就像白人版德雷克 -不
- He looks kind of like a white Drake. - No.
他像波多黎各版的咕噜
He was like a Puerto Rican Gollum.
我不打算聊这个
I'm not talking about it.
-你想去上厕所吗 -当然
- Do you have to pee? - Yeah, totally.
你听说了吗 约翰尼·德普今天要来办公室
Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming into the office today?
是啊 我超想见他的
Oh, yeah. I'm all over that.
你最想和哪个版本的约翰尼·德普上♥床♥
Which version of Johnny Depp would you most wanna have sex with?
他演的哪个角色最能挑起你的欲望
Like, which one does it for you the most?
-我一直忍♥不住想这个问题 -对我来说
- Because I can't stop thinking about it. - For me,
是《加勒比海盗》里的杰克船长
it's Pirates of the Caribbean.
-我喜欢那个化着浓妆 留着长发 -真的吗
- I love a fully made up, long hair, - Really?
看起来几乎很阴柔的约翰尼·德普
like, almost feminine-looking Johnny Depp.
不是几乎 他在那部电影里看起来就像个漂亮女人
Not almost. He looks like a beautiful woman in that movie.
是啊 那你呢
Yeah. Who would be yours?
我觉得是《剪刀手爱德华》里的约翰尼·德普
I'm thinking, like, an Edward Scissorhands Johnny Depp.
你会被剪得稀巴烂的
You would get totally cut up.
没错 但他肯定会对此感到无比内疚
Yeah, but he'd feel so bad about it
然后他会说"我永远也不会离开你"
that he'd be like, "I'll never leave you."
而且我还可以让他帮我剪一个很棒的发型
And I would get, like, a sick haircut.
是啊 没错
Yeah. Yeah.
不过 还有威利·旺卡 我也可以
But also, guess what? Willy Wonka, bring it on.
-天哪 绝对的 -对吧
- Oh, my God, totally. - Right?
没错 我绝对会日死威利·旺卡版的约翰尼·德普
Yeah. I would fuck the shit out of Willy Wonka Johnny Depp.
好了 各位 都集中精神
Okay, my babes, I want your undivided.
我看了你们的提案
I've been looking at your pitches
我的想法如下
and these are my thoughts.
妮基
Nikki.
你笑什么
Why are you smiling?
我没有在笑 我只是很紧张
I'm not smiling, I'm just very nervous.
别笑了 别笑了
Stop smiling. Stop smiling.
你笑得更欢了 妮基
That's even more. Nikki.
我越紧张笑得就越欢 所以...
The more nervous I get, the more I smile, so...
别笑了
Stop smiling.
不许笑
Stop it. Stop it.
妮基 把嘴合上 快点 把嘴合上
Nikki, shut it down. Come on. Bring it down, bring it down.
这就对了
That's it.
我受够了你说的一堆废话
I'm sick of your ginger nonsense.
我不想再看到你龇牙咧嘴的
I don't wanna see those gnashers. No.
不许笑 这是谁
Stop it. What's this?
他是我们的新实习生 唐纳德
That's our new intern, Donald.
我们以为会是个女实习生 不过来的人是他
I thought we were getting a chick, but he's here.
好的 欢迎你 唐纳德
Okay. Welcome, Donald.
欢迎来到《无需多言》杂♥志♥社
Welcome to S'nuff
在这里 我们将教会意志坚强的男人
where we are teaching the strong-willed man
如何穿衣 思考 进食和做♥爱♥
how to dress, think, eat, fuck.
你喜欢我们杂♥志♥吗 唐纳德
Do you like the magazine, Donald?
-非常喜欢 我基本只读你们杂♥志♥ -非常好的回答
- Oh, yeah, it's pretty much all I read. - Good answer.
看看 这人是我们的了 这就是我们的人
Look, this is ours. This is ours.
对吧 是我们杂♥志♥塑造了他
Right? We made this.
我们的读者群体是什么
What's our demographic?
他妈的每一个人
Every-fucking-one.
谢谢 你可以走了
Thank you. You can go now.
非常谢谢您 这是个千载难逢的机会
Yeah, thank you. It's a big opportunity.
好了 给我些点子 尽管说 舒尔茨
Right, pitch me. Pitch me hard. Schultz?
我在想一档叫做"上班撸管指南"的专栏
So I was thinking of something called the "S'nuff Guide to Beating Off at Work."
在哪里撸 怎么撸
Where to do it, how to do it,
怎么撸而不被发现
how not to get caught.
怎样被发现
How to get caught.
这样更有意思 嗯
Makes it more fun. Yeah.
我已经开始研究了
I already started the research, you guys.
-布莱森呢 -好的 我有一个点子
- Bryson? - Okay, I got one.
"不是你基 是她太无趣"
"You're not gay. She's boring."
很好
Good.
-非常好 我都能脑补出来了 -谢谢
- Fantastic! I can see it. - Thank you.
好的 我还有一个点子
Okay. I have another to pitch.
或许可以做封面话题 我也不知道
Maybe a cover, I don't know.
"你就管这叫咪♥咪♥吗"
"You call those tits?"
这个很不错 嗯
That's good. Yeah.
然后还有一个"他们现在怎么样了"栏目
And then maybe like a "Where are they now?" piece
就关于那些迈克尔·杰克逊花钱安置的小孩
about the kids Michael Jackson gave settlements to.
很好
Good.
我也想知道呢
I want to know.
很好
That's good, yeah.
我跟他们其中一个人一起打冰球 我能要到邮箱地址
I play ice hockey with one of them. I'll get an email.
很好
Yeah, that's good.
好了 现在分配任务
Right. So, assignments.
舒尔茨 你负责瑞恩·菲利普那篇文章
Schultz, you're on the Ryan Phillippe piece.
-什么 -太好了
- Oh! What? - Yes!
《撞车》太经典了
Crash was epic.
或许我可以试试那篇关于菲利普的文章
I was thinking I would take a stab at the Phillippe piece.
不行 瑞恩 我告诉你 他现在可是在低谷期
No. Ryan, I tell you, he's in a major funk right now,
他对不好看又没有男子气概的男人
and he will respond much better to a male
反应会更好一点
who is neither attractive nor masculine.
没错 指的就是我
Blam! That's me right here.
布莱森 你名字旁边有个红色记号♥
Bryson, I've got a red mark by your name.
-这是为什么 -是这样的
- Why would that be? - Yes, okay.
我准备写一篇关于艾伦·康纳斯医生的报道
I am pitching Dr. Aaron Conners.
他负责治疗尼克斯队的一些球员
He works with some of the Knicks.
他是个年轻 医术又高超的运动医学界新星
He's this incredible, young sports physician on the rise,
而且他最近研发了一种创新性的膝盖植入手术
and he just created this revolutionary knee insert
可以让康复时间减半
that cuts recovery time in half.
他要在阿玛雷·斯塔德迈尔身上试一下
He's about to perform it on Amar'e Stoudemire.
这将是这种手术第一次被用在职业运动员身上
It will be the first time it's ever been done on a pro athlete.
如果我们能搞定 我们将能采访到一些体育界大腕
If we get this, we'll have access to the biggest names in sports.
勒布朗 杜兰特 布莱克·格里芬
LeBron, Durant, Blake Griffin.
我听说过这个人
I've heard of this guy.
他治好了德布利卡肖·弗格森的膝盖 对吧
He did D'Brickashaw Ferguson's knee, right?
没错
Yes.
他也治过慈世平
Yeah, and Metta World Peace's too.
萨博·塞弗罗萨的整个职业生涯就是被这人拯救的
Yeah. Thabo Sefolosha owes his whole career to this guy.
这些真的是人名吗
Are these real names?
你说什么 艾米 你有什么想法吗
What's that, Amy? Your thoughts?
不好意思 我只是
I'm sorry, I just...
我不懂为什么我们要把这些运动员当成英雄
I don't know why we treat these athletes like heroes
他们不过就是溜冰溜得快 或是能踢进球而已
just because they can skate fast or kick a ball in a net.
我只是觉得这太奇怪了
I just think it's weird.
无意冒犯 我就是觉得竞技体育太蠢了
No offense. I just think that sports are stupid,
任何喜欢竞技体育的人都是 怎么说 低人一等
and anyone who likes them is just, like, a lesser person.
他们应该都挺蠢的
And has a small intellect.
太棒了 我要你来写这篇文章
Killer. I want you to write the piece.
-什么 -什么