生活残骸（2015）

Nothing, man.
听着 我告诉你
Listen, I'll tell you one thing.
你可不想摊上一个私生子的妈妈
You don't wanna have a baby mama.
你还没反应过来 就要开始买♥♥法拉利
The next thing you know, you're paying for a Ferrari.
给她买♥♥大房♥子 买♥♥豪♥宅♥
You're getting her a big house, a big mansion.
她会想创立自己的连体裤品牌
She's gonna want to start a jumpsuit line,
你要资助她
and you're gonna have to pay for it.
你想经历这些吗
You wanna go through that?
你要说服你的一个朋友
You gotta convince one of your friends
让他出面承认自己是父亲 然后养这个孩子
to say he's the dad and raise the child. Like.
谁想经历这些
Who wants to go through that?
孩子最后长到两米
Kid end up being 6'7",
你的朋友才一米六
your best friend only 5'2".
十♥八♥年♥之后 那孩子长大了
Eighteen years later, the kid comes
然后他会写一本关于你的书
and he writes a book about you
控诉你是多么混♥蛋♥
saying how much of a jackass you are.
十♥八♥年♥啊 十♥八♥年♥
Eighteen years, man. Eighteen years.
那个女人的车和房♥都比他的大
Your baby mama's car and crib is bigger than his.
你在任意一个星期天打开电视
You could turn on the TV any given Sunday.
赢了超级碗 却开着现代汽车离开
Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.
她把你给孩子买♥♥玩具的钱
She was supposed to get the shorty Tyco with your money.
拿去给医生做整容手术
Then she went to the doctor, got lipo with your money.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
你♥他♥妈♥到底在说什么
What the fuck are you talking about?
这是侃爷的歌♥词
It's Kanye.
你在引用坎耶·维斯特的歌♥词吗
You're quoting Kanye West to me?
我告诉你 艾米不是这种人
You know what? Amy's not like that.
艾米根本不是这种人 她很棒
Amy's not like that at all. She's awesome.
我们之间会很顺利的
And this is gonna be great.
我觉得她很酷 我没什么好担心的
I think she's cool, and I don't think I have to worry about that. You know?
那行吧
All right.
你刚刚有没有让我
Did you let me do that?
我刚在你面前得分了吗
Did I just score on you?
太棒了 你是我的小弟了 勒布朗·詹姆斯
Yes! You are my bitch, LeBron James!
随便说说 不是真的
But not really. Not really.
但你得承认 那个球投得很好
You gotta admit, that was a good shot. Come on, man.
我刚刚在勒布朗·詹姆斯面前得分了
I scored on LeBron James.
我再也不打篮球了
I'm never playing basketball again.
午餐你请 朋友
Lunch is on you, buddy!
你要去哪 艾伦
Where are you going, Aaron?
艾伦
Aaron?
勒布朗
LeBron.
失策啊
God damn it!
工作还顺利吗
How's work?
工作其实还挺顺利的
Work's great, actually.
我觉得我应该会当上主编
I think I'm gonna get that editor job.
艾伦一直让我树立更远大的目标
Aaron's been kind of pushing me to think bigger.
我来帮你弄吧
Can I just do this, please?
艾伦跟我提过一个针灸师
Aaron was telling me about this acupuncturist.
她技术应该挺不错的
She's supposedly amazing.
她帮她的很多病人止住了疼痛
She helps a lot of his patients with pain management.
我挺想让她帮你看看的
I really want her to take a look at you.
你愿意吗
Will you do that?
我不想让一个东方女人碰我腰部以上的部位
I have no desire for an Oriental woman to touch me above the waist.
别那么说 那样太让人反感了...
Don't say that. That's disgust...
亚洲人 你称呼他们亚洲人就好
It's Asian. Just say Asian.
艾伦怎么突然之间就无所不知了
Why does Aaron all of a sudden know everything about everything?
他是个医生 他应该也懂点这些
He's a doctor. He knows something.
他是个运动医生 他不算真正的医生 面对现实吧
He's a sports doctor. He's not a real doctor, let's face it.
真正的医生治病救人
A real doctor tries to cure diseases.
而他只想弄到季后赛场边的座位
He's trying to get courtside seats for the playoffs.
你是说运动医生不算真正的医生吗
You're saying sports doctors aren't real doctors?
是啊 如果别人问"你想主攻哪方面"
Yeah. When they say, "What do you wanna focus on?"
"我想主攻多发性硬化症"
"I wanna focus on MS."
"你想主攻哪方面" "我想主攻癌症"
"What do you wanna focus on?" "I wanna focus on cancer."
"那你呢"
"What about you?"
"我不知道..."
"I don't know if I..."
"能让我离男更衣室最近就行"
"Whatever gets me closest to men's locker rooms."
好吧
Okay.
-那可真是... -"我想假借检查膝盖的名义"
- That's really... - "I want giant, athletic penises close to my face,"
"让运动员的大鸡♥巴♥靠近我的脸"
"while I'm pretending to look at their knees."
他是个好医生
He's a good doctor,
他也和无国界医生组织一起做了很多事
and he does a lot with Doctors Without Borders.
他是个很好的人
He's a great guy.
我不是说他人不好
I'm not saying he's not a good guy,
但基本再过一个月 你就会把他踹了 对吧
but he's got about a month left before you give him the boot, right?
你这话什么意思
What does that mean?
你跟上一任那个头脑简单四肢发达的白♥痴♥合不来
He's a reaction from the muscle-bound Knucklehead,
所以这次你就去找了个书呆子
so now you go for the nerdy brainiac.
我知道你找对象是什么模式 艾米
I know the way your pattern works, Amy.
因为我也这样
It's my pattern.
不 爸 我真的很喜欢他
No, Dad, I really like him.
我只想让你对他态度好点
And I just, I want you to be nice to him,
我想让你认真对待这件事情 可以吗
and I want you to take it seriously. Will you do that?
我觉得我们真有机会能成
I think we have a real shot.
那就太好了
That's great.
你这话听着就像那种一辈子电影
You sound like a Lifetime movie.
相亲相爱一辈子 不是被人谋杀直接死
One of the happy ones, not the murder ones.
你难道不希望我幸福快乐吗 我是说...
Don't you want me to be happy? I mean...
希望越大 失望越大
You're building him up, and you're gonna let yourself in for a big fall.
他会伤透你的心
He's gonna break your heart.
我要走了
I'm leaving.
咱们以后再聊
I'll talk to you later.
我会让特门布来接你的
I'll tell Temembe to come get you.
艾米 别这样 别这么一走了之
Amy, don't walk, don't leave like this.
我不喜欢你跟我冷战
I don't like it when you don't talk to me for a while.
谢谢你和我一起来
Thank you so much for doing this with me.
没事 我想和你一起来
Oh, no, I wanna be doing this with you.
我们就裱了这一幅我画的画
It's the only one I've ever done that we've framed.
挺不错的
It looks great.
你画的是某个地区的风景吧
It seems like a regional thing.
姑娘
Girl!
你好 我是艾伦
Hey, I'm Aaron.
-我是金 很高兴见到你 -金
- I'm Kim. So nice to meet you. - Kim.
很高兴认识你
It's really nice to meet you.
-你就是汤姆吧 -很高兴认识你
- You're Tom? Tom. - Pleasure to meet you.
艾米 你最近还好吗
Hey, Amy. How are you?
恭喜你用你的种子套牢了我妹妹
Congrats on trapping my sister with your seed.
毕竟不是每次性♥爱♥的结果都是冲一把和两行泪
You know, well, not all sex ends with a flush and a cry.
有时候会有一点小后果
Sometimes you get this.
真好笑
That's killer.
这是温迪和凯尔
This is Wendy and Kyle.
-你好 -你好
- Hello. - Hi.
很高兴见到你
It's great to see you.
-不错啊 -真棒
- Nice. - Very good.
那句话是什么意思
And what does that mean?
欢迎来到我们的派对
Welcome to our party.
这是葡萄牙语 雷尔姆教我的
It's Portuguese. Realm's teaching me.
这是我们的儿子 雷尔姆 我们大概半年前收养了他
That's our son, Realm. We adopted him about six months ago.
是啊 我们在教他 但其实是他在教我们
Yeah, we've been teaching him. But really he's been teaching us.
是啊 比如怎么保护自己 怎么为自己抗争
Yeah. How to protect ourselves, how to stand up for ourselves.
他有夜惊症
He has night terrors.
他在短时间内教会了我们很多
Lot of lessons, really quick.
他在我们家的存在感非常强烈
He's a very strong presence in our house.
我们爱你哦
We love you.
没错 他真的教会了我们很多
Yeah, a lot of lessons.
比如怎样与一个拒绝学英语的陌生人相处
How to get along with essentially a stranger who refuses to learn English.
他不知道自己的生日是哪天
He doesn't know his birthday.
他说自己大概八岁 但是牙医说他至少有12岁
He says around eight, but the dentist said he was 12 at least.
-他们知道的 -是啊 他正在经历青春期
- They know. - Yeah, he's through puberty.
肯定的