IT狂人特别篇（2013）

He is... - Newton Sinclair.
这位是... -罗杰·布斯
This guy is... - Roger Booth.
我还是莫里斯·莫斯
And I guess I'm still Maurice Moss.
你现在还穿着那裤子吗
Are you wearing your trousers now?
我不能总穿女裤 珍
I couldn't wear them all the time, Jen.
我会心脏病发作的
I'd have a heart attack.
超人扮演者克里斯托弗·里夫04年因心脏病病逝
它现在被安全地锁在了我的孤独堡垒里
No, they're safely locked away in my Fortress of Solitude.
超人的住处
有趣的是 我一穿上它就精力充沛
It's funny. When I wear them, I'm a dynamo.
年轻的蓝尼·克罗维兹
A young Leonard Kravitz,
人们全神贯注地听我讲话
people hanging off my every word.
实力派歌♥手
可当我脱掉了裤子
And then as soon as I take them off,
我就变回原本的我...
I'm just back to being the same...
她走了 是吧 她走了
She's gone, hasn't she? She's gone.
她走了好一阵了 -是啊
She went quite a while ago. - Yeah.
有请麦可·布雷 -不 我是去参加葬礼
Oh, Michael Buble's here. - No, no, it's a funeral, Moss.
加拿大歌♥手 被称为"婚礼主唱"
我必须得参加爱丽丝祖父的葬礼
I have to go to this funeral for Alice's grandfather
我可不想出席
and I'm not looking forward to it.
参加葬礼比便秘还痛苦
Funerals are pain in the crack.
再盛大的葬礼也高兴不起来啊
Even in the best of circumstances, there're no picnic,
但爱丽丝现在盯上我了 她就像情感警♥察♥
but now I've got Alice on my arse, like the emotion police.
所以我今天的大部分时间
I'm going to have to look convincingly sad
都必须让人相信我真的非常难过
for the majority of the day.
她不会让我哭吧
She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?
不会的 -万一会怎么办
No. - What if she does?
我可没法说哭就哭 到时候该怎么办
I can't cry on cue. What do I do then?
跟哥学
Do what I do when I need to cry.
用点温和的辣椒喷雾剂
Use a mild pepper-spray solution.
有道理 -就说嘛
Now that makes sense. - See?
这可比酝酿情绪靠谱多了
That makes more sense than having to feel something.
你这儿有那玩意吗
Do you have any of that stuff here?
你说呢 我们有个小冰箱呢
Why do you think? We have a mini-fridge.
瞧
Good evening.
你的存货可真不少
You've got quite a lot of it.
我想我确实做了不少
I suppose I have made quite a lot of it.
有什么成分 -朝天椒 芥末 还有一点催泪瓦斯
And what's in here? - Just Tabasco, wasabi and a bit of tear gas.
喷到眼睛里应该会很痛
Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.
这东西极其温和
It's extremely mild.
主要成分是水 -好的 我拿走了
It's mainly water. - OK, I'll take it
当做最后的稻草 -最后的稻草
as a last resort. - As a last resort?
免得我憋不出悲伤情绪 -没错
In case I find myself out of my emotional death. - There you go.
好了 多谢 莫斯
All right. Thanks, Moss.
再见 -拜拜
Bye. - Bye.
对了 千万别忘记先兑水
Oh, don't forget to add the water.
可怜的皮颇
Oh, poor Pip Pop.
你说什么
Sorry, what?
皮颇
Pip Pop...
我们总叫他皮颇 因为他很矮
We always called him Pip Pop because he was so short.
他那边的亲戚都非常矮
All of my family on that side are really short.
是吗
Is that right?
爱丽丝
Oh, Alice.
罗伊 你还好吗 -天呐
Roy, are you all right? - Holy...!
太疼了[难过]
Yeah, it just really hurts.
亲爱的
Oh, darling.
比他说的疼[难过]多了 -我知道
Oh, it hurts way worse than what I was told. - I know. I know.
我的天 怎么会这样
Oh, Christ, why is this happening?
"我们能否找出这个人"
'Will we ever find out just who this person was?'
"不幸的是 在现有科技下"
'Unfortunately, with current technology
"我们无法提高画面的清晰度"
we can't depixelate the picture,
"所以我们很可能没法揪出"
so it's very unlikely we'll ever find out
"这个可憎的臭婊♥子♥"
the identity of this dreadful ginger cow.'
你还哭着呢 -好像停不下来了
Oh, are you still crying? - I don't seem to be able to stop.
怎么了
What's happening now?
有个抬棺人今天来不了了
One of the pallbearers wasn't able to make it.
我知道这听起来有些奇怪
Look, I know this is a bit weird.
不过你介意帮忙吗
Do you mind stepping in?
我很乐意 绝对乐意 -谢谢
I'm happy to. I mean, I'm certainly happy to, yeah. - Thanks.
他答应了
That's fine.
非常感谢你的慷慨帮助 -没关系
Hi, thanks so much for helping us out. - No problem.
你好 这边还有一个
Hello. Oh, there's another one.
你好 你见过这些抬棺人吗 -是的
Hi. Have you seen the pallbearers? - Yeah.
所以你们和我
So you guys and me,
要一起抬棺材吗 -没错
we are going to carry the coffin together? - Yes.
我们要把棺材放到我们的肩膀上
We are going to put the casket on our collective shoulders
然后扛着它走直线?
and walk in a straight line with it?
顺利个屁 一点都不顺利
No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all.
多谢关心 不过简直是失败透顶
I mean, thanks for asking, but no, it wasn't a success.
要我说可算不上成功入土
It wasn't a successful funeral for me.
是不够庄严吗
It didn't have the required gravitas.
庄严? 完全没有
Gravitas? No, no.
不够严肃? -严肃个屁
It wasn't very dignified. - It wasn't dignified at all, Jen.
如果要用一个词来形容皮颇
If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey
迈向坟墓的最后一程 那必须是"滑稽"
to the grave, it would be "Funny".
简直太滑稽了 我努力憋住不笑
It was so funny, Jen. And of course, I tried not to laugh
我试着分散注意力
and I tried to put other things in my head,
但我们迈出的每一步都提醒我
but every step that we took was a fresh reminder
这事到底滑稽到何种地步
of just how funny the whole thing was!
你没笑吧
You didn't laugh, did you?
我笑得菊花都绽放了
I laughed my hole off.
她不跟你分手真是奇迹
I can't believe she's still with you.
我跟她的感情可谓摇摇欲坠呐 珍
I suppose, but, I mean, I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen.
只要不出别的岔子
I think I'll just get through it
我想这段感情还有的救
as long as nothing else bad happens.
没想到会这么快
There's the phone now.
"一段新录像帮我们认出了这对男女"
'The new footage has led to the pair being identified,
"珍·芭柏与罗伊·崔纳曼"
Jen Barber and Roy Trenneman,
"他们都是瑞农企业的员工"
both employees at Reynholm Industries.'
你俩在想什么呢
What the hell were you thinking?
我让你们低调点
I told you to keep a low profile
你们竟然重来了一次
and you do it again!
不 只是新录像而已 瑞农先生
No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr. Reynholm.
找你妹的借口
Bum your excuses!
瑞农企业需要维持声誉
Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold.
看在上帝的份上 我们可不是新闻国际
We're not News International, for Christ's sake!
其身陷电♥话♥窃听指控
为了消除你们的负面影响
I'm going to have to do Secret "Pissing" Millionaire now
我现在必须参加《神秘"傻♥逼♥"百万富翁》
just to undo your damage!
神秘的百万富翁走入贫民区捐助贫民英雄的真人秀节目
连大奶派对都去不了了
And I'm missing out on a massive tit party!
你不再是我的助理了
You're no longer my assistant.
我很生气
I'm furious.
我再告诉你们一件事
And I'll tell you something else,
等我回来以后 这...
when I return from the estate, it's...
就是你的下场
..for you.
喂 宝贝
Hello, hey, baby.
好的 当然
Oh, yeah, of course.
不 当然
No, absolutely.
好嘞 拜拜
All right, OK. Bye-bye.
她把你甩了 -没错
She left you? - She did. Yeah.
随着"泼咖啡婊"
As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch
和矮个种族歧视者的身份曝光
and Small Person Racist are finally revealed,
我们4频道新闻不禁要问
we at Channel 4 News ask,
"人们到底怎么了"
"What the hell is wrong with people?"
婊♥子♥珍盯着你呢
你♥他♥妈♥太高了 混♥蛋♥
我在"啾啾"上的粉丝又多了不少
I've got a lot of new followers on Chitter.
成批的粉丝 没错
Loads more followers, yeah.
他们的嘴可贱了
They're all very abusive.
他们希望我们去死
They wish we were dead.
等等
Wait.
咋了 -"啾啾"
What? - Chitter.
我们可以用"啾啾"来澄清自己