尴尬时刻

现在是二月中旬的某个凌晨 两点十八分
It's 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February.
我已经在公园长凳上坐了将近四个小时
I've been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours.
我他妈的快要冻死了
I'm fucking freezing.
我♥干♥嘛要坐在这里
Why am I sitting here?
坐在这条长凳上
Why am I still sitting on this bench?
我想我最好还是倒回去
You know, it's probably best if I rewind.
给你解释一下
If I back up and explain.
每段爱情都有一个至关重要的时刻
Every relationship arrives at a critical moment,
那个紧要的关头
a juncture,
决定着你们是继续相处还是彼此错过
between moving forward and moving on.
我把这个时刻叫做"那么"
I call that moment the "so."
那么
So...
现在算是怎么回事
Where is this going, then?
我觉得吧 我觉得你挺好的
I think you're a... Like... I think you're amazing.
你是个挺好的姑娘 我吧
I think you're an amazing girl. I...
-我觉得你这人特别好 -算了
-I think you're an amazing person. -No.
我要跟你分手
I'm breaking up with you.
-必须的 -你要分手
-I have to. -You're breaking up?
我很抱歉 杰森 我需要一个有所准备的对象
I'm sorry, Jason, I need somebody who's ready.
不能像你这样从麦片碗里喝咖啡的人
I need somebody who doesn't drink coffee out of a cereal bowl.
-什么 -你连个床架子都没有
-What? -And has a bed frame.
她跟我分手我并不奇怪
I wasn't confused because she was breaking up with me.
我上班要迟到了
I'm so late for work.
我奇怪的是 我不知道原来我们已经约会了
I was confused because I had no idea we were dating.
我跟你要的对象一点儿也不相符
I'm not even close to the guy you need.
我配不上你
The guy you deserve.
我真是
Like... I'm...
抱歉我不能跟你在一起
And I'm so sorry that I can't be that guy.
她的说法是
In her defense,
我们一起约炮 每周一次 已经一个半月了
we'd been having sex, like, once a week for six weeks.
我真的要迟到了
I'm so late for work.
但是在我看来
But in my defense,
这只是炮♥友♥阶段 连约会的门槛都还没进
that's a hookup approaching the seeing stage.
对不起 杰森
I'm sorry, Jason.
没关系 我理解的
No. I understand.
我理解
I understand.
我真正理解的是 在她跟我说分手的时候
And what I understood was, at that moment,
我们绝对还没开始约会
we were definitely not dating.
片名 尴尬时刻
哥们 你收到我的短♥信♥了没有
Dude, did you get my message?
我十分钟以前就出门了啊
Man, I left, like, 10 minutes ago...
快点 哥们 你迟到了 你大半天都干嘛了
Come on, man. You're late. Look, what have you been doing?
我♥干♥嘛了 克里斯蒂刚刚跟我分手了
What have I been doing? Christyjust broke up with me.
克里斯蒂是哪个
Oh, man. Who's Christy?
维拉 你在家吗
Vera, you home?
我不知道家里有客人
I didn't know we had company.
你回来早了
You're home early.
对 我没去健身
Yeah, I skipped the gym.
这是我的律师
This is my lawyer.
律师啊
Oh, your lawyer.
事实上 他是个很出色的律师
Actually, he's a very good lawyer.
出什么事了吗
Is everything okay?
这么说 你妻子告诉你她跟别人上♥床♥ 上的很爽
So your wife said that she was having intense sex?
对 很爽
Yes, intense.
我都不敢相信她说了"很爽"这个词
I can't believe she said, "intense."
她就是这么说的 跟一个叫哈罗德的人
That's what she said. With a guy named Harold.
她告诉你这些的时候 她的律师就在边上坐着
And while she said this, her lawyer was just sitting there?
他长得像莫里斯·切斯纳特
He looked like Morris Chestnut.
那是谁啊
Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?
就是《街区男孩》里面那个演员
From Boyz n the Hood.
-演瑞奇的那个 -对
-Ricky? -Yeah.
哥们 我超喜欢瑞奇的啊
Dude, I love Ricky.
再也不喜欢他了
Not anymore.
谁长成莫里斯·切斯纳特那副样子啊
Who the fuck looks like Morris Chestnut?
-是啊 根本不算好看 -她的律师就长那样
-Yeah. That's not a strong look. -Her lawyer.
她的律师就像莫里斯·切斯纳特
Her lawyer looks like Morris Chestnut.
然后呢 他就坐在沙发上
Okay, and he was just sitting there on the couch?
对啊 他为什么坐在沙发上不走呢
Yeah, why was he just sitting there on the couch?
因为她想跟我离婚
'Cause she wants a divorce.
-这可是 -妈的
-That's... -Fuck, man.
-不是在搞笑 -真抱歉
-Are you kidding me? -I'm sorry.
讽刺的部分来了 她的律师 坐在那儿的律师
And here's the kicker, her lawyer, the guy sitting there,
长得像莫里斯·切斯纳特的律师 就是跟她上♥床♥的人
the guy that looks like Morris Chestnut, is the guy she's having sex with.
-哈罗德 -哈罗德
-Harold? -Harold!
操♥他♥妈♥的哈罗德
Fuck Harold.
天啊
Oh, man.
他 跟你说什么了没有
Did... Did he say anything?
他说他喜欢我的鞋
He said he liked my shoes.
-啥 -他说什么
-What? -He said what?
他说他喜欢我的鞋
He said he liked my shoes.
这
Well...
说的没错 你的鞋挺酷的
He's not wrong. They're cool shoes.
搞什么 我这是造了什么孽
What the fuck, man? I don't deserve this.
我不知道 咱们该怎么办啊
I don't know what we're going to do, man.
我们得帮他找个鸡
We need to get him a hooker.
我们又找不起
We can't afford a hooker.
有优♥惠♥券的 我们给他找个便宜的 米奇能理解的
Yeah, we can use a coupon. Get him a cheap hooker. It's Mikey.
-不行 不能这样 -看这个"东村姑娘求雇"
-No, we're not. -Look. "East Village girls for hire."
-不行 -就在这儿写着呢
-No. -Right there.
-不行 -就这样吧
-No. -Yeah.
这文章里说
According to this article,
东区的大部分酒吧里全都是鸡
most of the bars on the East Side are filled with hookers.
你知道吗 我爱你的一点就是
You know what I love about you
你读到什么就相信什么
is that you literally believe every single thing that you read.
-我才没有 -你有
-No, I don't. -Yes, you do.
-我才没有 -你有
-No, I don't. -Yes, you do.
好像你是个九岁的小屁孩
It's like you're nine years old.
没有 她们都是很年轻很酷的鸡
No, no. They're like young, cool hookers.
穿得很潮那类的
They dress like hipsters and shit.
我跟你说 我可不知道这是不是真的
And I'm telling you that I highly doubt that that is the case.
那杂♥志♥上为什么说的头头是道
Then why would it be in a magazine?
我不知道啊
I don't know.
看这段
Read it.
"她穿得就像其他那些漂亮年轻的小东西
"She dresses like any other pretty young thing,
齐膝高的靴子散落在地板上
"knee-high boots strewn about the floor,
旁边的抽屉里 安全套多得都冒了出来
"and a drawer filled to the hilt with condoms
这一切都表现出了她私下里的兼♥职♥"
"seemed the only indication of her sideline occupation."
挺棒的 不是吗
How awesome is that?
你们好 我是弗莱德
Hey guys. It's Fred.
你好 弗莱德
Hey, Fred.
你知道我们现在不是在互讲电♥话♥ 对吧
You know it's not a phone. Right?
你就在我们面前 弗莱德 我们看得见你
You're actually here, Fred. We can see you.
完全看得见
Totally.
你们待会应该去做《西尔弗曼》那本书的展示了
So you're due to present on the Silverman book.
那么
So...
你们都准备好了吧
You guys are prepared? Right?
我们会准时到的
We'll be in there.
这只是一张空白的板子
That's a blank board.
这是一片金矿
That's a gold mine.
我是说 我们已经给了你们很多样板了
I mean, we gave you stacks of examples.
你说的是这些吧
You mean these. Right?
这些东西都烂大街了 走哪儿都能看到
What you're seeing there is exactly what you're gonna see everywhere else.
我们可以就用这些
And we can deliver that.
但是我们现在说到《不可预知的公主》
But when we're talking about The Unexpectable Princess...
-这题目不错 -非常非常棒的题目
-Which is a great title. -It's a wonderful, wonderful title.
但还是有那么点过于淡雅和无聊
But still, it's drowning in a sea of boring pastel.
你可不想要你的书变成那样
That's not what you want.
你不想的
And that's not what you need.
我知道你要什么
I think I know what you need.
他知道哦
I think he does.
书本的封面应该要暗示故事的内容