滑稽人物（2009）

他会这么做 他会的 我见过他这么做过
He'll do it, too. he'll do it. I've seen him do this before.
我先出去和她聊聊 你马上出来
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there.
卡内 卡内
Kanye. Kanye!
不 t.i. t.i
No. t.i. t.i.
利尔·维兹 这都是常识
Lil weezy. It's all about common.
埃米纳姆 你们知道
Eminem. But do you guys know
谁是最出名的说唱乐歌♥手吗
Who the greatest rapper of all time is?
威廉·莎士比亚
William shakespeare!
我知道这很傻 可是很有趣 观众喜欢
I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it.
是的 你知道吗
Yeah. You know?
你在电视上很帅 我指
It's just cool that you're on tv. I mean...
我不相信你以前没看过这节目
I can't believe you haven't seen this before.
是的 我不相信我居然喜欢
Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.
这是儿童频道 WB频道 还是青年频道
Is it on a kids channel? WB? a teen channel or something?
不 是在NBC
No. it's on NBC.
真的吗
Really?
艾拉 这位是戴西
Ira, this is Daisy. oh!
戴西 这是艾拉
Daisy, Ira.
-你好 你好吗 -很好
- How are you? How's it going? - Good.
事实上 我感冒了 我不该
Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't...
来个空中握手吧
Air shake.
事实上 我看过几次
I've actually seen you do comedy
你的即兴喜剧表演
At the improv a couple times.
你演得真的很好 很滑稽
Yeah, you're really... you're really, really funny.
噢 谢谢
Oh, thanks.
你猜怎么着 艾拉刚减了20磅
You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds.
恭喜你减肥成功
Oh, congratulations.
是啊 都是从我小鸡鸡上减下来的
Yes, I did. All from my cock.
你演得真的很好 很滑稽
Yeah, you're really... you're really, really funny.
噢 谢谢
Oh, thanks.
你猜怎么着 艾拉刚减了20磅
You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds.
恭喜你减肥成功
Oh, congratulations.
是啊 都是从我小鸡鸡上减下来的
Yes, I did. All from my cock.
呃 那什么
Um... so...
那什么 这集是分了上下两部分的
So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter.
所以我们现在得把
Great. So does that mean we're gonna watch
两部都看了吗
Both parts right now?
噢糟糕
Oh, shoot. oh, god.
要帮忙吗 艾拉
You need some help with that, Ira?
不用不用
No! No, it's...
没事儿的 我能搞定
It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
开玩笑呢我 我拿块抹布去
I'm joking. I'll get a rag.
艾拉 九天后再见啦
See you in nine days, Ira!
最近我去了一地方
I went to a place recently
那是我去过的
I'm convinced is the most
最诡异最疯狂的地方了
fucked up, crazy place I've ever been to.
那地方叫做"蛋蛋冰工厂"
It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery.
在蛋蛋冰工厂呢...
Now, the thing at Cold Stone is...
观众居然会喜欢听这个
I can't believe this is what people like.
有"不错嘛""真不错""就是它了"几种码型
The sizes are "like it," "love it" and "gotta have it!"
什么鬼说法啊这是
What kind of crackhead terminology is that?
"哥们 要什么型号♥的"
"What size you want, man?"
"我不知道啊 就是它了
"i don't know, man, I just gotta have it!
给我装杯冰激淋 再撒点碎巧克力
"Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles!
把你的棍棍放进去自♥慰♥给我看"
Put your dick in a butterfinger and fuck it for me, please!
"快放进去
"Put it in the cup!
我等不及了 等不及了
I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
等不及了 等不及了 等不及了
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
等不及 等不及 等不及"
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
你小子快看看 我就是这么干
That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son!
简直嗨翻天 观众都快乐死了
Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy.
周三的场子总是这么狂野吗
Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?
没有 不过这次他们倒是真挺高兴
No, they were... they seem pretty good out there.
我简直已经登堂入室
I'm really stepping up my game.
那帮家伙得付我钱了
These bitches gotta start paying me for this.
不能让他们白乐呵
Can't get no more free randy.
都给他们伺候成这样了
I just fucked that crowd in the ass.
是啊
Yeah.
真♥他♥妈♥太爽了
Just awesome. Just fucking bam!
万人拥戴啊 我就靠鸡♥巴♥打天下了
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick.
你知道吗 我也准备这么干
You know? I'm gonna do the same thing.
狗屁 给爷来点巧克力豆和薯片
Bullshit! Let's get some m&m's and chips going.
-黄色的耶 -艾拉
- Yellow! - Ira!
凯文·鲁尼还没来
Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,
你就在里昂之后表演10分钟吧
So you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo.
真的吗 行啊 谢谢
Really? Okay. thanks. Yeah.
行啊 谢谢
"Yeah, thanks, yeah. "
他让你下一个上台吗
Hey. Did he just tell you you're going on next?
-对 下一个就是我 -行 你后面是我
- Yeah, I'm on next. - Okay. well, I'm on after you,
你要是说太久 这东西就得死在我口袋里了
And if you go long, this is going to die in my pocket.
没跟你开玩笑 我不是来搞笑的
That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic.
亮灯就表示你还剩一分钟 知道了吧
Okay, when you get the light that means one minute.
知道了
Okay.
有天晚上 我听到我的蛋蛋和小♥弟♥弟♥在聊天
The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking.
蛋蛋这么说
And my balls were like,
"你还撑得住吗
"are you okay?
他弄疼你了吗"
"Is he hurting you?"
小鸡鸡就回答 "我比你了解他
And my dick's like, "you don't know him like I do.
他才不会弄疼我呢 他爱死我了"
"He's a great guy. He loves me. "
乔治·西蒙斯突然来了
Hey. George Simmons just showed up.
他想上台 所以你再等会
He wants to go on, so you are bumped.
好的 他要说多久
Okay, how long does he do?
妈的 我怎么知道
How the fuck should I know?
他都五年没来表演了 不过你随时候场
He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready.
-好的 -好
- Okay. - Okay.
谢谢大伙 我很荣幸来表演
Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here!
-看见没 全场欢呼啊 -没错 效果真好
- See that? I fucking killed out there. - Yeah, that was good.
-让开 让开 -新段子都打响了
- Watch out, Leo, watch out. - All my new shit worked.
没错 没错
Yeah. Yeah.
下一个该我上场 可乔治·西蒙斯来了
I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up.
我就等他说完再上
Now I'm gonna go on after him.
-乔治·西蒙斯要上场了 -是啊
- George Simmons is going up right now? - Yeah.
那我刚才是给他开的场
I just opened for George Simmons?
是
Yeah.
这他妈的太棒了 哥们
That's fucking awesome, man!
哦耶
Yeah!
好啦
All right!
行了行了 我都有点害怕了
Yeah, all right, I'm scared.
害怕你们这帮人
I'm scared for all of you guys.
你们需要我啊 可我总有一天会退休
You need me! you need me. I'm not gonna be here forever.
等我走了谁逗你们乐啊 其实挺简单的
Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple.
你们就互相看着 然后说点这个
You just look at each other and say...
大家就都乐了
Everyone's laughing.
你们真是太无趣了
You people are so unamusing
无趣到还得雇人来逗你们乐
you have to pay another person to come and amuse you.
你们在家都怎么过的啊
What do you do at home?
就整天跟那儿坐着嘀咕吗
Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long,
"哎呀 怎么就没点乐子呢
"when are we gonna get to that amusement place?
你逗逗我吧" 你们真该感谢我拍了那些电影
"amuse me. " you should be thanking me for those movies.
"哎呀 终于出电影了 咱们看去吧"
"Oh! Finally, a movie. Let's watch it together. "
这不就是电影的迷人之处吗
That's the beauty of movies, by the way.
进去坐着 你不用和旁边的人聊天
You go in there and you don't have to talk to each other.
自己就能乐起来了 你们盯着屏幕就想啊
And it's fun. You could stare at the screen.
"可能我们俩过得还行吧
And, "maybe we don't hate each other
我们都喜欢这片子
'cause we both like this movie.
这是我们的共同点哎"
"We are connecting on that.
"我们还过得下去
"Hey, we're still together.
这么多年 我们还是相爱的吧"
"All these years later, we still love each other, right?
"看电影的时候是相爱的
"During the movie, yes.
等电影散场了 你♥他♥妈♥就是一婊♥子♥
When the movie's over, 'you fucking bitch.